Saw new psych today. I was honest but we didn’t get too heavy into details yet. He believes I should see an addiction specialist eventually (surprise) and by choice does not work with people in active addiction anymore (he used to head a very large hospital addiction center). But said he’s willing to work with me to treat my other disorders / ptsd / anxiety etc as long as I stay sober. I’ll have to do saliva tests, which I’m fine with. I can’t for the life of me find a sub doctor that takes my in network insurance and will let me stay on Xanax, which is just really frustrating and sad that I can’t do both, especially being in a huge city. I think I found one that I can’t afford, but waiting on confirmation of cost for that. I don’t have any financial support other than what I bring in and family is not an option even if they knew, it’s beyond their means. So I’m going to just tough it out and keep trying because I still don’t feel like I have any options that are affordable unless I detox Xanax, which was utter hell last time I did it in 2016. I’ve been on it for 22 years. I feel ashamed constantly that I’m on it, which I had never felt before getting addicted to opiates, but I just don’t think I can handle getting off the Xanax yet. I get angry that I feel ashamed because I was put on Xanax at such an early age and I’ve never abused it. So maybe I just don’t need the Suboxone, the cost feels too high for me. I know this post is pretty repetitive, (people keep pushing me to see a specialist whenever I’m honest about my addiction, I can’t find an affordable one, don’t want to get off my low dose Xanax dependency) but it really is just all around scary constantly feeling like I could lose the little stability I have left. Work is still hectic, bouncing between jobs constantly and I’m exhausted of the hustle. Been thinking about moving for a couple years now, but the past couple months have really pushed it to the forefront of my mind. I need a slower pace.
Everything is confusing because I still want to use opiates but I also don’t want to at all! It’s such a twisted disease.
Something new, I’ve been having bad nightmares, waking up sobbing or moaning, which I had no idea about (other than a rare wake up feeling scared) until my boyfriend experienced them. I have been exhausted the past several months and I wonder if I’ve been having them and not knowing. I’ve been highly emotional lately, likely due to not numbing myself daily.
There is a part of me that believes I can just put all this behind me and move on, but I don’t want to be naive or cocky about it.
Suffer for a month or two and be done right?
Something positive ~ Renewed my gym membership and feeling quite sore but in a good way. Short (and free!) lake house stay coming up with close friends, a place we rent every year and I’ll get a lot of kayaking in and peaceful mornings. Happy with other aspects of life right now and feeling lucky to have a very supportive and understanding person in my life.
tl;dr ~ still don’t want to get off Xanax which is basically forcing me to quit Suboxone because I can’t find a sub doc I can afford and will also deal with co~disorder. I’ve been using less overall this year, (not daily or even weekly) but I’m not 100% sober and having a hard time not chipping with something. If I’m honest I just want to lose the dependency and grip it has on me, but I know I won’t be able to control it down the line as much as I wish I could since it brings me so much temporary relief from pain.
