48 hours and three years

[G.R.S.H.]

Hey Lady,

Reading more about your Kratom attempt reminded me of another thread. I linked it here in case you want to check it out.

Faith-grsh

 

[achemicalreaction]

thanks grsh, and any who have sent links or thoughts or advice, its really helping ticking off the minutes. feeling a bit more informed about where or what i want to do next.
talked to my counselor about finding the right type of rehab, and my goal over the next 5 days is to actually go in and start talking to the places to see if i can't get medicated assistance.



ps. didn't get the job, felt bad, but mostly relieved.

can't remember ever feeling relief from failure before.

 

[G.R.S.H.]

Hey acr- Just wondering how you are doing... check in!

 

[achemicalreaction]

Hey acr- Just wondering how you are doing... check in!

thanks for checking in.

i am okay. had to work today, (how dare them ha), made it thru - day 6.
had a nice moment walking around early in the morning. some bad moments later on.
but they keep passing by.

someone wrote me literally the nicest message that I?ve ever gotten from anyone for any reason (thanks by the way), and I don?t even know how to respond yet.

got another crazy job coming up in three weeks and really want to stick to this even though I?m scared I can?t stay sober. a lot of what I?m dealing with is so fear based.

anyway, hope everyone is having, if not a lovely, then a decent day.

 

[achemicalreaction]

Well, I had a small lapse yesterday. Mostly to get through work. Wasn’t a lot but it was still some.
Trying to be good again. I don’t really have w/d today aside from the blahs and mentally wanting it. It sucks because waking up on day 6 felt good walking around in the morning.
I got a weighted blanket to try and help with rls and anxiety. This is hard.

 

[G.R.S.H.]

I'm sure you are fast heading on your way back to feeling better! Don't kick yourself for it, keep your chin up. Slips are common, as long as you get back up and keep on going, you're still headed in the right direction! Take good care of yourself, you're worth it.

In faith, grsh

 

[achemicalreaction]

So I relapsed for the past few days. Went and got subs.

I want to try a real slow taper (my dosage of oxy isn't high, maybe 30mg at this point a day)

Trying to spread 5 strips over a month-ish.

Is it ok to post my dose/taper plan?

 

[achemicalreaction]

Well I’m starting subs tomorrow. One month plan. Been watching a lot of recovery vlogs lately and finding some inspiration in that.
Been trying to take it easy but work demands are tough. Keep trying to remember what I hate about being addicted and looking into joining some type of class. I’d like to try boxing but I think I need to get back into better shape first, been a couple years since I attended a gym regularly. Next paycheck is going to renew my local membership.
I liked this Ted talk: https://m.youtube.com/watch?v=PY9DcIMGxMs

thats all for now.

 

[achemicalreaction]

Well, after obsessing for a month(!) and going C/T and relapsing, one big yoyo trapped in a circle, I finally bit the bullet and inducted my first subs (after 24hrs of waiting). 1.5mg is holding me okay.

I'm literally laughing at how much better I feel. Like one of those relief laughs. This has been one of the hardest months (later January) I've ever had. Now just gotta stick to the plan and replace the bad habits. 8(

I feel very thankful towards a lot of you who either privately or publicly messaged me with support. I don't think I would have come to the sub conclusion without a lot of advance knowledge and stories, bad and good, and advice (tpd thanks for a lot of good info!) and support (u know who u are!)



argh mobile messed up my edit, but now that it’s been a few hours I can say not completely normal, anxiety skyrocketed but tried to channel it into housework, bubble bath, and 30minute walk. Feeling reminds me of adderal (which I don’t enjoy) but hands down will take it over the dozen cold turkey withdrawals.

 

[MrRoot]

How long have you intended on being on the subs, just for a month or longer as you said something about one month plan?

I think it should be more than just a month as you’ll need time to adjust your life to overcome the needs for drug abuse. I used Suboxone for a year and switched into oxycodone again for six months because back pain and did rapid tapering at detox facility and have been without opiates for two weeks now. Quitting subs gave me worse withdrawals although I was at the same time switching into oxycodone than rapid tapering out of oxycodone.

Stay strong mate, you can do it!

 

[achemicalreaction]

How long have you intended on being on the subs, just for a month or longer as you said something about one month plan?

I think it should be more than just a month as you’ll need time to adjust your life to overcome the needs for drug abuse. I used Suboxone for a year and switched into oxycodone again for six months because back pain and did rapid tapering at detox facility and have been without opiates for two weeks now. Quitting subs gave me worse withdrawals although I was at the same time switching into oxycodone than rapid tapering out of oxycodone.

Stay strong mate, you can do it!

hey thanks mr. Root!
i do have a month taper plan and I am open to being on it longer if need be, playing it by how I feel day to day. I think because relapse is the hardest part for me and work seems to be my biggest trigger (and I can’t not work), I may indeed need to be on it a bit longer, but I do hesitate because I’m not eager to trade one addiction for another.
luckily I feel like I’ve started on a really low dose (1.5mg) - today is Day 4 and seeing how 1mg feels. I did want to use yesterday, the sub effects seem to wear off quite a bit after 12-14 hrs, so I may try to split dose 2/3 in morning and 1/3 in evening. (I didn’t use because I figured I wouldn’t feel anything, and then urge feeling passed)
I originally planned to try and jump off at .25 on the fourth week, alternating days but I may get down to .125 or .06.. I think really playing it by ear. Overall it’s helped a lot mentally, feeling like it’s given me back some of my willpower and not feeling like it’s hopeless to quit, giving me some flexibility to keep up with work and not deal with upending my whole life again.

Congrats on two weeks!

 

[achemicalreaction]

Forcing myself to keep track of everything, despite not really wanting to (avoidance). Day 9. 1.125mg the last three days. The last two I found myself friending in the evening, even tearing up a bit, so even if I’m not getting anything out of that .125 it helps psychologically. I also took a crumb of a low dose pill the other night because I just had to test it. Didn’t feel anything. Felt good that I didn’t. Not letting it reset my time.
My friend got me one of those calendars you get from Chinese restaurants, a hard copy one. I haven’t used one in decades. So I’ve been using a sharpie for my dose. I’ve noticed the past few days I’m insanely sleepy, and I’ve let myself sleep in (usually wake up at 7-8) and have been sleeping until 11 or noon. This wasn’t really an issue last week as I had to work Tues-Thurs. it seems to come on if I left myself lie in bed, I guess I’m just surprised because I’m not much of a heavy sleeper. I don’t think my dose is high at all, so maybe it’s just a side effect or withdrawals. Waiting for the 15th like crazy so I can renew my gym membership (payday). Friend is going to start going with me once a week. I’ve been forcing myself to go for walks every day (about 20 minutes). Overall mood feels stable. Think supplements are helping.
Definetly getting thrown into a new work boiling pot on Wednesday so I’m nervous for that, but I’m confident I won’t be using or need to use this time.

 

[achemicalreaction]

Well it?s been a weird week. Posted a bit in blog but figured this spot here is a little more steady.
started a new position at a place I?ve always dreamed at working at/have done some work with them before, and was super nervous. First two days were ok and the subs were holding me, but I ended up only having 5 hours off (3 with commute) between the second day and third (today) to sleep as it was time sensitive, so yeah I just threw the towel in and skipped my sub dose and used. Not sure I felt it but I regret it now. Guess I have to pick it up again. Feeling dumb. Was so stressed last night I think I only slept 30 minutes despite ambien and 2mg Xanax and a bath and every trick in the book.
Hate the fear.

 

[Jabberwocky]

Well it?s been a weird week. Posted a bit in blog but figured this spot here is a little more steady.
started a new position at a place I?ve always dreamed at working at/have done some work with them before, and was super nervous. First two days were ok and the subs were holding me, but I ended up only having 5 hours off (3 with commute) between the second day and third (today) to sleep as it was time sensitive, so yeah I just threw the towel in and skipped my sub dose and used. Not sure I felt it but I regret it now. Guess I have to pick it up again. Feeling dumb. Was so stressed last night I think I only slept 30 minutes despite ambien and 2mg Xanax and a bath and every trick in the book.
Hate the fear.

What is your taper plan like? It would be helpful if you posted your plan here so we have a better idea what you're trying to accomplish with it.

It sounds like your work is really taking a toll in terms of your energy.

Try not to be too hard on yourself about using. I mean, it is disappointing when I slip up like that, but to put it in perspective it's far from the end of the world. The most damaging part about slipping I find is that it fucks up my mood - either the effects of the drug use directly impacts my mood negatively, or the way I feel disappointed about slipping up tanks my mood.

If you have been slipping up recently, that's a really good sign you might explore (1) putting your taper on hold until you're more stable not using, especially given the toll your work schedule is taking on you, (2) consider increasing your dose, again to help you stabilize and deal with the fatigue of your current work schedule, and (3) think about planning ahead longer term, making a two-three year plan as opposed to a 2-6 month plan.

Unless it's absolutely unavoidable, I never recommend someone go ahead with an ORT taper if they have been struggling with avoiding slipping up with other opioid use. Having at least a month of no slip ups is probably a good idea before trying to continue tapering. Really having three months is much more preferable, but a month is still pretty good (as most people like to rush getting off ORT whenever possible ).

Look ahead to two or three years, you can identify where you feel you will need to be in order to have the best chances of coming off buprenorphine. So that could include having a more manageable work schedule, organizing outpatient treatment support, establishing a good supportive relationship with a one on one therapist, getting yourself physically healthy, and exploring your mental health and self care via more holistic approaches.

Then you can plan out what it will take to accomplish each of those things in terms of concrete steps. Sort of like "hey this is the place I want to be with my recovery down the road" (it's good to be flexible about the time line, I mean 2-3 years is only a first estimate, you'll probably have to make some adjustments as time goes on) and then work backwards to figure out what you can do now to orient around a path that maximizes your chances of success getting where you want to be (in recovery, but also life).

 

[achemicalreaction]

Here was my original plan before I actually had inducted:

Day 1, 2, 3 - 4mg (28mg left)


Day 4, 5, 6, 7, 8 - 2mg (18mg left)


Day 9, 10, 11, 12, 13, 14, 15 - 1 mg (11 mg left)


Day 16, 17, 18, 19, 20, 21, 22, 23 - .5mg (7 mg left)


Day 23, 24, 25, 26, 27, 28, 29, 30 - .25mg (5mg left)

Was thinking when i get to this last week i would try skipping days/every other day

This is what actually occurred:

Day 1, 2, - 1.5
Day 3 - 1.75
Day 4 - 1.25
Day 5 - 1.5
somewhere around day 4 I started getting loads of anxiety so I went down
Day 6 - 1
Day 7 - 1.125
Day 8 - 1.125
Day 9 - 1.125
Day 10 - 1
more anxiety so dropped again
Day 11 - .5
Day 12 - .75
Day 13 - lapse
Day 14 - nothing
Day 15 - today (1mg so far)

I think I will try to stay on the 1mg instead of dropping for the next 30 days like you suggested. I was dropping because of these very bad spells of anxiety that I thought was from the Suboxone and also because of all the warning about getting addicted to Suboxone and how hard it is to come off it - I don’t really know what it’s from as I’ve had anxiety problems forever, thought the Suboxone was excaberating it. Honestly it could all be PAWS but at this point I have no idea what is coming from where. Overall Suboxone has worked the best out of anything from keeping me off and helping control the impulses.
its so hard to visualize that far into the future and I’ve never done that even not on drugs. My desire is to not be dependent on opioids and hopefully feeling better about life. I’m working with an addiction therapist and she’s been pretty good - I can be honest with her which is a step up from providers in the past.
So my plan for the next 29 days is to stay on 1mg.
Unfortunately my schedule is very unpredictable as it is tied into current events/time sensitive, not a lot I can do with that, aside from changing my career or finding a different industry to work in, which I have been considering, but not something I can do overnight and need to keep income coming in. But I guess that’s an excuse at the end of the day.

I think ive been putting a lot of pressure on myself to stick to a taper, in retrospect after reading your response.

Feeling a bit better today (probably because I’m back on the Sub).
So maybe, for a new plan 1mg for a month, .75 for 2 weeks, .5 for two weeks, .25 for a month and then alternate the last month days?

 

[achemicalreaction]

Keeping it up. I guess I’m getting used to the weird energy Suboxone gives me - I don’t really like it but it’s better then the alternative.
I woke up this morning and my pupils were huge, or maybe they were just normal. Does that mean it’s wearing off overnight? I’ve even been tearing during the day. I don’t wanna raise my dose because I feel like I can barely tolerate the anxiety/energy type buzz it gives me.
I’ve been finding it really hard not to take a little crumb of a pill - like 5mg once a day, usually when I’m overwhelmed at work. I don’t even feel it, it’s all mental at this point.
I guess progress is that I haven’t re-upped my stash on purpose since December. And I have half a 15 left.
Thought about buying tic tacs to placebo the mental aspect but seems silly now. This is my first full week back to work this year. I’m also craving sugar and sex like crazy. It’s weird because before I noticed it I was too miserable to really notice notice it, but now it’s like I had my mind on mute for the past couple years and now I’m dialed in at 11. I also find I feel like I’m outside my body sometimes, like if I focus too hard on how I feel, it gets slippery.

 

[achemicalreaction]

Been a while so I’ll gather myself here. After whatever illness or reaction made my tongue swell up, I jumped off 1mg of sub, and cold copped 48 hrs later. Fentanyl test strips deterred me enough from using, and flushed one bag and traded another for some pills I had turned over to a friend in case of emergency. Swelling went down and all is fine. Back on subs, though I’m sniffing them for a bit, to give my sublingual route a break, and at a lower dose, .5mg. It’s not perfect, and I’m having very mild withdrawals symptoms the past few days, but it’s far better than without. Perhaps the worst part of all of it was the fear I’d go back to daily use, and I don’t believe that is going to happen.
Contacted a harm reduction center in the city, as I’d like to volunteer at their needle exchange. My counselor also found a really cool looking recovery group, meditation based, that I’m excited to try out.
Feeling okay overall.

 

[achemicalreaction]

Had my longest relapse since starting, a week as of today. Feeling pretty messy. Mostly sad and frustrated. Can’t srop crying and everything just hurts.
Again, my main trigger, two new jobs, one started last Wednesday and it went great, except the relapse. I’ve been thinking lately I might need to really just change my whole situation and it’s terrifying and I don’t want to. I can hold onto work, but not myself. Almost twenty years in this city but the quality of life and sacrifices to live and work here.. I’m not sure it’s worth it anymore. I’m really sad. I do love what I do, but I don’t do it in a healthy way. If I had never gotten addicted I think my situation most people would be happy with, but I’m just not, or at least I can’t seem to handle it.
The relapse doesn’t get me anything but through the work. I don’t get high and it doesn’t make me happy. And then I feel sucked dry. I think I give too much and not enough to myself. I don’t know how. I see so many unhealthy things about my behavior now that I’ve been paying more attention these past few months. My two friends who know have slowly distanced themselves and I don’t blame them, though a part of me wishes I had kept it to myself.
i really have to get into a regular support group. I’m angry with myself that I don’t want to, but I know I need to.
Going to start again tomorrow.

 

[achemicalreaction]

Well I’m fine, alive and well and all that. Ttrying to do a fast suboxone taper and then just nothing. This is mostly inspired by my addiction counselor pressuring me to go to an addiction psychiatrist or hospital when I can’t afford one. And the threat of losing my script for Xanax which I’ve had for 20+ years. I’m really frustrated right now because it seems like everyone I tell the truth to someone who is supposed to be my support, (example old psychiatrist of 15 years refused to see me after I told him I got addicted to pills in 2016), they do the exact opposite of what is going to help and throw me into a situation where it causes me a ton of stress. Counselor was cool about it for a couple months but now I feel like because she’s uncomfortable with me self treating my addiction, she wants to force me into a program or require I see someone who is a specialist. Obviously if I had the money for that I would do it but I don’t and not to mention I’m deathly scared of losing my mental health care meds which I definitely need and do not abuse.. Just feel trapped all over again. Want to put it all behind me. Wish I could just find a doc who didn’t assume I was a lying sack of shit from the start (newest psych likes to shine a flashlight in my eye) so I could trust them enough to tell them what’s really going on, and who also doesn’t want $800 for a damn consultation. Every semi affordable place requires I get off benzos. Makes no fucking sense. You think I’ve been on Xanax for 20 years for fun? It’s not even a huge dose. Sigh. /rant

Other things are ok. Work has been fluctuating a lot due to a main contact of mine getting laid off, so I’ve been working at a lot of new places the past month. Which is triggering. Have a job offer that I’ll know more about on Monday though, it’s for 13 weeks, Wed-Friday, and good pay which would really take some pressure off the job hustle and give me a little stability.

 

[Lucas23]

Hey,
Just back on board after a few weeks off. Sent you a message.