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48 hours and three years

Lol Cyberius, sounds like a good deal. Thanks Tired, feeling good I handed over most of it.

So journaling. Yeah ok. I’ve never done that in any significant way ever in my life so. I tried to edit the title here, maybe I have to do it from a computer. Meeting tonight was a marked improvement in many ways, especially since I was able to actually find it and it was not shut down (previous two attempts). Met a nice girl who told me where I can find more women in my area as I want to try a female sponsor. Woke up in so much shame I couldn’t leave bed until 3. Feeling a little better about the mess up.
 
If you relapse you wanted to relapse. You consciously decided to use the drug because well let's face it

Drugs are fucking awesome

and you've made quite the bed for yourself to sleep in huh?

I don't see any reason to be ashamed of this. Hell, I relapsed once and it was fun as hell and I loved it immensely. If you even so much as try to get away from this drugs you're making a conscious choice that the majority of people in your shoes can not. Be proud that you made it this far, I believe in you <3
 
Cy, you are hilarious and yeah, I definitely wanted to. I guess the shame part is not being able to not want to. Lol. Ugh such a mixup of emotions that comes out. When I tried to share last night I spoke in total gibberish. Cry when it feels absurd to and feel nothing in between. Drugs are awesome indeed. Wish they would hurry up and invent one that had no consequences. ;) I know pot is helpful for some, but since I started the oxy habit 4 or 5 years ago it started triggering insane panic attacks. Sucks because I used to really enjoy it.
thanks for the
 
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achemicalreaction said:
At about the 48hr mark. It started with percs from my boss three years ago and turned into a daily oxy addiction. Did an outpatient rehab fifteen months ago and got completely clean and relapsed couple months later, daily again for at least the past year. not sure when the last time I?€™ve been without for more than 48hrs. Been tapering in my head for months but it never really happened, always pick it right back up. The habit never got huge, maybe 60mg oxy a day. Excelled at work but barely socialize. Methodical dosing ever 4 hours and wake rise repeat. Sorry for the ramble, been lurking here for a couple years. I want to stay clean. I want to change my life. But I feel so paralyzed. I see both a therapist and a psychiatrist and lie to them both. I am ashamed.
Hoping I can stick with the cold turkey. Did a very fast taper over four days. Clonidine, Xanax (prescribed), ambien seroquel vitamin b. Xanax is a whole different story and been prescribed for the past 21 years, at age 15.
Alright wish me luck I guess.

edit: doesn?€™t look like I get to sleep tonight again. Anyone able to recommended a good book? I?€™ve been reading The Dual Disorders Recovery book, but wouldn?€™t mind a few more recommendations.
guess it?€™s worth mentioning I?€™ve had major depression/gad/panic disorder/ptsd since I was in my teens and anything in that vein would interest me.
Click to expand...

Legacy by Robert Maxim on Google Play Books is a very entertaining read if you are a Sci-Fi-Fantasy Fan :)
Love,
Tez
 
achemicalreaction said:
At about the 48hr mark. It started with percs from my boss three years ago and turned into a daily oxy addiction. Did an outpatient rehab fifteen months ago and got completely clean and relapsed couple months later, daily again for at least the past year. not sure when the last time I’ve been without for more than 48hrs. Been tapering in my head for months but it never really happened, always pick it right back up. The habit never got huge, maybe 60mg oxy a day. Excelled at work but barely socialize. Methodical dosing ever 4 hours and wake rise repeat. Sorry for the ramble, been lurking here for a couple years. I want to stay clean. I want to change my life. But I feel so paralyzed. I see both a therapist and a psychiatrist and lie to them both. I am ashamed.
Hoping I can stick with the cold turkey. Did a very fast taper over four days. Clonidine, Xanax (prescribed), ambien seroquel vitamin b. Xanax is a whole different story and been prescribed for the past 21 years, at age 15.
Alright wish me luck I guess.

edit: doesn’t look like I get to sleep tonight again. Anyone able to recommended a good book? I’ve been reading The Dual Disorders Recovery book, but wouldn’t mind a few more recommendations.
guess it’s worth mentioning I’ve had major depression/gad/panic disorder/ptsd since I was in my teens and anything in that vein would interest me.
Click to expand...


I have a similar story to yours.. Not a high dose of oxycodone.. percs.. but a prolonged period of use.. about 4 years.. along with an alcohol.. I have had anxiety and depression all my life.. And I have used every drug.. except heiron.. extreme fear of needles and H in general. I got sober when I was 26.. for 2.5 years.. this was mainly from alcohol..(very heavy drinking) xanax which I was prescribed because of my horrible anxiety and coke.. I got to a point where I would get drunk and decided I wanted to snort coke.. to get a sober again.. to drink more ugh such a vicious cycle.. LIke I said i was sober 2.5 years and then I went back to drinking.. occassionally doing coke.. and I went back on xanax.. Someone introduced me to oxy.. And I was doing 80mg a day. After about 5 months of this.. I couldnt take it anymore.. It controlled my life.. SO i went to subs.. but was not knowledgeable in these things.. and just replaced the oxy with the subs.. I took the subs for about 4 months and then went cold turkey.. I felt like shit off an on for literally 2 years of my life.. not lying.. All i still did was drink.. and then in 2013.. I had severe pain from a knee injury.. and went to percs.. and I have been doing them eversince.. I never went over 40mg in a day.. for the last 4 years.. for the fear of going back to that 80 oxy problem.. and being fearful of H.. and just going through even worse withdrawals.. I dont know how I did the other.. How I went through the 80 oxy and sub withdrawal.. its like a blur to me.. I have also gone through benzo withdrawal and kicked that.. but I cant seem to kick this dumbass perc and alcohol habit.. ugh Wtf! I wish you the best.. keep us updated.. we could def help eachother
 
Thanks for the thread Grsh. Kinda intense reading, not that much on here isn’t. Cece, I hope you can get through it as well.
I said my goodbyes to the rest. Had a very nice dinner at a place I’ve been meaning to try with a friend I never get to see. Wanted to just have a normal feeling night where I wasn’t thinking about recovery too hard. It was real nice. So goodbye again oxy! Your high sucks. Day 1.
 
I'm pretty sure 98% of people relapse. I did. I went into a 5 day detox facility in September for my very first detox, but they didn't tell me that after i left i still wasn't going to feel good. I had just taken a week off from work to go there, and couldn't take anymore time off at that time, so i got more sub(what they gave me in detox), and once that ran out, i hit the streets. 3 months later i detoxed at home, with a short term sub taper (4 days), then used vitamins, tyrosine, green superfood drink mix, protein shakes, hot tub, hot showers, and many trips to the bathroom for some private time. I knew what to expect the econd time, knew what i needed, and just did it!! 42 days clean today, and if i can do it, anyone can. You got this, stay strong.
 
Thank you.
whats getting me is the depression today. In fact it’s always what gets me. Keep trying to sleep because I can’t stand to be in my thoughts when I’m awake, and when I’m sleeping I have dreams where I am lying or getting in trouble, hurting emotionally with people close to me, or getting hurt in return. I know where a lot stems from, #metoo. No peace there. Took an 1/8th of a 30mg IR because I have to make it to my therapist and the tears won’t stop rolling. So many black holes in my memory across my whole life. Read thru a lot of the mindfulness recovery thread which helped a little earlier. If you’re curious I have about a half a pill left. Fully intended to save it for the depression emergencies. I know I have to succumb to all the pain at some point. With the long weekend I’ll have a couple days under my belt, start working again on Tuesday (albeit from home which is good). I fucked up the two weeks I had planned for detox but I think I can still do the worst of it with 4. Really angry about running into the stash, cruel joke universe.
Meeting last night was okay but my mind frame was negative. I think constantly admitting I’m an addict is disheartening. But I want to take into account I’m obviously a mess from the drugs and keep giving it a chance. Still no women I can find, the meetings are very male heavy.
I looked up and purchased Kratom last night. I am fully aware people become addicted. I have never wanted to try it as I’m sensitive to drugs and was always scared, esp since pot stopped working for me. I have a short use and taper plan with it and am planning on trying to use it short term to stay off the oxy and get thru w/d.
On another rambling note I haven’t let myself be in a real relationship going on 10 years now. It’s hard to be mostly single in your late 20s thru midn30s. You see everyone getting married and having kids. Most of my oldest friends are healthy people. Last “relationship” was with someone who was also an addict and emotionally abusive. Went on too long. There were some sex only guys in there but nothing healthy. It’s been something I have been craving as well, to picture having someone here to love me while I go through this, but I know Im not healthy and it wouldn’t be fair to them. Trying to reframe to positive thoughts. Visitors coming Monday. Still have workers in my kitchen but will be done today. Hired a cleaner for my apartment tomorrow. Still alive. Didn’t buy more DOC. Bought a pass to a spa for whenever I finally feel that day where I can go outside. Paid bills. Finally
plugged in the Xbox I though a couple weeks ago, just need the energy to play.
 
achemicalreaction said:
that is definitely whats happening. mental anguish and feeling selfish, guilty, etc.
agreed to turn over another half of stash to friend. deleting bad contacts etc. i feel guilty now that i've been posting on here so much. thanks again to all, will try and shutup for a few while i get back to it. sorry if any of this is annoying or newbie etc. i am feeling extremely lucky to have 2 friends left and compared to many here, not as huge a habit to kick or at least some reasonable circumstances to get clean and stay that way.
<3
Click to expand...

Definitely do not feel bad either about posting so much or posting journal style--both are helpful and that's the whole purpose of this forum. The added benefit to you journaling your experience is that others see that their experience is not so different and can feel less alone. And as far as relapses go....what other habit in life have you ever been able to simply quit the minute you recognize it is not a good habit for you? Changing habits of the mind or habits of the body is one of the most difficult challenges of being human! And in addiction the habit is both mind and body so it's a double whammy.

You are taking practical steps and that's the best thing for you to do to support yourself. Check and see if there are any Smart Recovery meetings anywhere near you.
 
herbavore said:
Definitely do not feel bad either about posting so much or posting journal style--both are helpful and that's the whole purpose of this forum. The added benefit to you journaling your experience is that others see that their experience is not so different and can feel less alone. And as far as relapses go....what other habit in life have you ever been able to simply quit the minute you recognize it is not a good habit for you? Changing habits of the mind or habits of the body is one of the most difficult challenges of being human! And in addiction the habit is both mind and body so it's a double whammy.

You are taking practical steps and that's the best thing for you to do to support yourself. Check and see if there are any Smart Recovery meetings anywhere near you.
Click to expand...


thanks herbavore - I bit the bullet and told my therapist and she didn’t dump or abandon me or any of the things I was scared of happening. Actually recommended I might like AA more so going to give that a shot tonight. May take another week off of work. Don’t want to but may just need to. I will indeed be posting as I can’t seem to stop reading everything here so thank you for the encouragement and apologies in advance for what may end up being a ton of digital dumping. Feeling a tiny bit better I told her. Thanks again. Looking into smart now as well.

i honestly can’t think of anything I was addicted to that I quit due to it being unhealthy. I’ve had my fair share of cocaine, or other habit forming drugs but none of them were addictive for me. I used to do a lot of coke and somas in my early 20s but I always attributed it to being young in a big city and depressed and in a scene where those things were always around. The weird coke and somas habit was short lived maybe a year, and no idea why or when I stopped... still occasionally (did coke as recently as two years ago, would just do a bit of if it was around cuz I used to bartend and needed to stay awake until 5am, but never really liked the feeling. Alcohol had my fun in 20s too but rarely drink now, maybe once a week but have gone months without. Everything seems to pale to Opiates, but god it’s such a horrible controlling mind f.
hope everyone has a nice weekend.

edit: not sure if this matters, but definitely dependent on Xanax and ambien, both prescribed. I’m sure some have opinions on it. Xanax 21 years and ambien 10. I don’t abuse my dosage.
 
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Welp. I took one gram of Kratom, Maeng Da, yesterday and it didn’t make me feel any which way, so went ahead and took another this morning. No w/d symptoms aside from a little lethargic but way better than it’s been. Not sure if it’s because I had six days clean before I took 90mg of oxy and then quit again or what. Don’t wanna jinx it tho. Also went to an AA meeting which was at least six times the size of any of the NA meetings I went to. Kinda too much.
 
kratom still keeping the edge off. still got chills. cravings are bad. depression is at a 6/7. have some work today which im worried i won't be able to finish. there is a small daydream in the back of my mind that i should take a couple weeks and travel down the west coast. hit all the friends up I've been meaning to see and look at the pacific and maybe sleep on a beach. portland to socal. will see how i do money wise this month. if i get 45 days, im booking a ticket. need something to look forward to, and winters are long here.
 
I find myself really bouncing around in my head as far as what I want to do in the mid term. Obviously I don’t want to keep using, or at least be rid of the compulsion and feel good enough to not use. However.
I was just offered a really good short term (thru may) contract of work that would allow me a lot of freedom thru the rest of the year financially. It has me thinking that I might need to postpone sobriety or consider a maintenance medication or frustratingly, continue to use in the same manner as I was. I don’t really know. It would be a change of work environment that I think would be good, but not necessarily better. Obviously I am aware that using in the manner I was before is not ideal, but seems it would be the cheapest option, netting me more more time and resources later this year.
 
it’s mentally strenuous/high pressure and a new environment - 10hr days at minimum and I don’t believe I can succeed or do the job effectively without something. but still debating.
 
Hey, ACR!

Just a bit of unsolicited advice - you might want to avoid all opiates (including the Kratom) until you feel stable off of them. I did a version of what you are doing and it prolonged the wds in a pretty big way. Letting your body shake this off and heal is the best way to go, in my opinion and experience. Sometimes fighting off that last little bit of wds can cause diminishing returns.

By the way - I know exactly how you feel about the work situation - that’s what I was the most worried about. But let’s face it, you probably know your goddamn good at it...or at least I did. But it’s scarier than shit. You do know that it’s going to be hard to not have a crutch at work, it was hard for me, too. My work is so central to who I am. Anyway, you can do it, with or without the opiates.

You’ll make the right choice for you. Best of luck.

- VE
 
No it’s appreciated. I actually noticed my anxiety was higher (felt unnatural) today after trying a new strain.
thanks for the <3
 
We’re back to day 3. Started on the 4th this month (not including fast taper started on the 27th). Had a couple clean bursts, last one woulda been ok except I took what I will call an emergency nub Tuesday night. Wow didn’t think 7.5mg would throw me back down so hard. Maybe because I used Kratom as well? Did without the Kratom yesterday, and it was chills and sweats and anxiety all over again. Clonidine almost gone. Will be seeing my counselor later on so hopefully she can help me make a plan. Have work today and an interview but with all this pent up anxiety it actually feels like energy.
 
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