Addiction Tightening the Screws

[cyberius]

I can't imagine sobriety. The only thing keeping me from snapping is the promised escape of the next balls out hardcore meth binge. I didn't end up recieving this package and I'm fucking devestated. The only thing keeping me from just blowing my head off is that theres more on the way.

Do things ever really change? All I want is to subscribe to an addiction and feed my demise; I'm a bitter angry joke of a human being and this is the only thing my depraved mind wants

I think I've finally snapped. Nobody in my life is anything more than barriers to me getting high. Yes this is going to harm everybody around me but I just want to use.

I'll keep this thread open to catalogue where I am in destroying my mind, it's interesting to me

 

[tired of crap]

I can totally relate, in the throws of my addiction I was the same.

Im more sober than not these days and while I cant promise that every day is a good day. Every day is better than when I was like that.
Looking back, my addiction seems so grueling. It was a lot of work to be so consumptious.

Dont fool yourself though, I "wanted" it, yes, sort of. But in truth I was craving something more. What is still yet to be determined.

What Im learning is that its ok to want to use. We have conditioned ourselves to use and itd be weird if we didnt want to use after so long.
However I dont think its ok to constantly be lit, wasted, fried, etc etc.
Im learning that cravings and saying no to these cravings are a part of healing.

Im learning the importance of hobbies, friends, healthy routine and diet - if to merely occupy my mind in place of cravings.
Basically Im learning to find purpose again in the frivolous duties of daily life.

What are (or perhaps were) you passionate about?

 

[jdfisse]

So maybe I will try this from a different angle. You have made a decision. Now you are just awaiting putting it in to action. So during this waiting time, you could consider trying something different. Hit some meetings. Talk about it IRL. Hear the self-loathing and self-destructive words coming out of your own mouth. There will likely be many who identify. You are going to do this any way and you ARE the master of your own universe, so what do you have to lose by being around a few people beforehand? Perhaps make some small, reasonable commitment. I will go to at least a meeting a day for the next 7, or 5, or even 3 days and I will talk about where I am at and if I still want to use I will use. Perhaps this one time you won't have to make a potentially permanent decision based on a temporary feeling (although that feeling may feel permanent by your perception).

 

[cyberius]

I want something permenant. I'm a dead man walking. This is a temporary problem but the permenant problem is I have no desire to get better, I never did

 

[cyberius]

Meetings are especially bad, I've had Very bad experiences with them in the past. I start therapy soon but I'm closed up tighter than a clam

 

[cyberius]

I can totally relate, in the throws of my addiction I was the same.

Im more sober than not these days and while I cant promise that every day is a good day. Every day is better than when I was like that.
Looking back, my addiction seems so grueling. It was a lot of work to be so consumptious.

Dont fool yourself though, I "wanted" it, yes, sort of. But in truth I was craving something more. What is still yet to be determined.

What Im learning is that its ok to want to use. We have conditioned ourselves to use and itd be weird if we didnt want to use after so long.
However I dont think its ok to constantly be lit, wasted, fried, etc etc.
Im learning that cravings and saying no to these cravings are a part of healing.

Im learning the importance of hobbies, friends, healthy routine and diet - if to merely occupy my mind in place of cravings.
Basically Im learning to find purpose again in the frivolous duties of daily life.

What are (or perhaps were) you passionate about?

I've never experienced passion before. I don't believe I can accomplish anything, I only get insurmountable anxiety if I try

 

[Stargazer]

Cy- Reading your posts make me sad. You are awesome. One of my fave BL'rs.

I feel your pain. I'm feeling so trapped and anxious. I don't know where to turn. In short, I've been chipping (w heroin) for awhile. I want to stop and need help and guidance. It's so difficult to find.

I'm thinking of you Cy.

 

[cj]

Ive been there OP. My best advice is too take care of your health the best you can because odds are your going to feel differently once the depression lifts. That's what this is depression. I got on celexa and remeron and I've started feeling better. Maybe something similar will work for you

 

[cyberius]

Ever since the overdose stripped my body of muscle I'm retraining my brain. I can't stop thinking, is aconstant disorganzed internal monologue schitzophrenia? If I relax and try to ignore it I notice a strong pressure in fronf of my eyes

Sorry if I'k a bit imcoherrent I've been drinking a lot

 

[jdfisse]

I apologize for offering help when it was not requested. I went back through and read this post trying to interpret the nature of the problem and the help that was being requested. I am not sure that either is clear. If I don't have a problem or I don't want help then things remain status quo. When the convergence occurred of a recognition of a problem and a desire for help I became willing to take action. I realize after rereading this thread that this is merely a catalog of a decent. My reading comprehension finally kicked in. Carry on...

 

[cj]

Ever since the overdose stripped my body of muscle I'm retraining my brain. I can't stop thinking, is aconstant disorganzed internal monologue schitzophrenia? If I relax and try to ignore it I notice a strong pressure in fronf of my eyes

Sorry if I'k a bit imcoherrent I've been drinking a lot

Sounds more like amphetamine phychosis to me. The best advice your going to get is to stop taking stims get plenty of sleep and eat right. If you do that for a month I bet you will feel much better. If you keep taking stims the situation is only going to get worse

 

[Captain.Heroin]

I think you need to get into therapy, and I'm not trying to be rude but you seem to have a semi-death wish because just using a little meth doesn't seem enough for you in your mind, you really want to take a lot. This is a pretty bad state to be in.

 

[cyberius]

Debating if I should keep my primo stereo monitors

or buy a bag of meth

I'm 90 days sober off the hard stuff, and I'm just starting to reignite my passion for music, but fuck man I think I want to get high.

I've been making music for 7 years as of the spring, and I'm getting guud. Real good... I'm a leap or two away from playing at clubs but I love meth much more then success. If I sell my stereos I won't really be able to make music that well (Mastering dance music requires equipment) .

 

[cyberius]

I think you need to get into therapy, and I'm not trying to be rude but you seem to have a semi-death wish because just using a little meth doesn't seem enough for you in your mind, you really want to take a lot. This is a pretty bad state to be in.

nah dude I didn't want to take 500mg in one go, that'd be really unpleasant...

I wanted to binge on a gram. May at least be honest, anyone who says this time will be different is a fucking retard, I know what's going to happen and I accept it

and I just started therapy as of yesterday, going once or twice a week

 

[LucidSDreamr]

have you considered just going to live abroad in some remote part of asia or africa for a year or two? Just get a different perspective on life and be away from the possibility of drugs.

i mean when you die you die...and you'll get to that anyways just like we all will at some point. why not try something to see if you can learn to want to live. best of luck.

 

[cyberius]

Had a moment of clarity after a heartbteaak

I don't even want ti get high right now, but ive been huet so many times i justbdont really carec about anythikg anymoee

I hace no friends, and ive nwver had a healthy relatiknship witj a womam since mygfirst girlfriend nroke my heart I use and manipulate since ive never been loved

 

[cyberius]

have you considered just going to live abroad in some remote part of asia or africa for a year or two? Just get a different perspective on life and be away from the possibility of drugs.

i mean when you die you die...and you'll get to that anyways just like we all will at some point. why not try something to see if you can learn to want to live. best of luck.

Ecetywhere is awful death is the only way our of this hrell

 

[Astrid.]

I spent 15 years of my life thinking this way. Only difference is my doc is heroin . I drove away anyone that cared for me, I overdosed more then I care to remember. I've been sober (on methadone) for 11 months and even though I have no friends left and no family I still thank fk I didn't die.

I have a good therapist, I'm taking medication for my bi polar disorder a roof over my head and a bag of weed.... life's not great but it's getting better. Now I'm going off methadone and I'm excited to see what being sober is...time do heal wounds, not as fast as we would all like but it will get better. Hang in there

 

[LucidSDreamr]

Ecetywhere is awful death is the only way our of this hrell

i don't understand what happened, you seemed more hopeful when you were in rehab and you got out, now you are suicidal. Could it be the drinking? is it a certain situation that happened since then? Are you unable to accept the damage your overdose did and upset about that? Drinking tends to greatly worsen my happiness and mental stability when i do it and can last for days after a night of heavy drinking

 

[cyberius]

i don't understand what happened, you seemed more hopeful when you were in rehab and you got out, now you are suicidal. Could it be the drinking? is it a certain situation that happened since then? Are you unable to accept the damage your overdose did and upset about that? Drinking tends to greatly worsen my happiness and mental stability when i do it and can last for days after a night of heavy drinking

Yeah I've been on the booze a bit.