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Addiction Tightening the Screws

Captain.Heroin said:
Why would you do that? You’ll end up not having anything or dying of a heart attack or stroke.
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The blunt of my addiction has passed but I'm slowly coming to terms with the fact that I'm mentally sixteen. A big part of me still wants to use even though I'm nearly six months sober.

While it's not nearly as bad as it was a week a month half a year agoish, the depression and inability to express myself is still very annoying.
 
Dealing with an issue today. I might plunge back into the game by trading an expensive piece of equipment I own for a fuck bunch of addies and xannies :)

Also getting a job, a good job. I'm starting to more often dream about amphetamines.
 
I think a huge catalyst for using is moderate obsessive compulsive disorder and an inability to find therapy. On a bad day I can spend upwards of 6 hours trying to get that fleeting sense of calm again. I have to calmly work with this or I'll be in a constant state of mild panic until I get it right.

If I see myself looking off in the mirror it's game fucking over. I feel like unless I look 100% I look 0% and I can't breathe mentally until I correct myself and provide adequate reassurance I look good again. If theres an inkling of doubt in my mind about anything else it works in the same troubling way. My mind needs to be comforted and stroked the right way - direction - and pressure or all my thoughts will stick up on end.

I'm very self conscious and reclusive because of this but I guess posting it here makes meaccept it a little more. The cure all was meth as that is like a blowdryer of calm all over for those who have ocd, but Isuppose trying to comfront my insanity would be healthier than using meth to escape it.
 
Hey cyberius. I empathize with what you're going through. I don't know what it's like to have OCD, but I can relate to the obsessive thoughts about feeling calm or looking perfect. Have you ever tried to take a step back and observe your thought process for what it is, rather than succumbing to your thoughts and feelings? From your last post, it sounds like there's some belief or set of beliefs that's driving a lot of your thoughts and behaviors (including drug use). It could be that you have some mistaken beliefs or ideas and giving in to your thoughts is just piling more on top of that. I've found that once I become aware of the original/old/mistaken belief or idea, everything kind of slows down and I'm able to make better decisions, or at least recognize when I'm giving in to it. Maybe I'm way off base here, just some food for thought.
 
Calm is a state of mind, something you can definitely achieve without drugs. You have to find activities you love and focus on them.
 
I made it 5 months meth free, but it just got old. Life stopped improving and I just decided to use again because there wasn't anything befter to do. Parents are fuckin pissed. I noid tf out and act in a way thatl make god cry so I pussy out and beg my parents to call off the swat team.
 
When I'm not using I hate being alive, when I am everybody hates me. I'm chronically incapable of behaving like a normal person and it fucking sucks. Theres literally no reason I want to stay sober
 
Why do you hate yourself? Have you thought about it?

If it's just a pervading feeling/emotion it's likely a facet of depression.
 
Captain.Heroin said:
Why do you hate yourself? Have you thought about it?

If it's just a pervading feeling/emotion it's likely a facet of depression.
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Endless social failure and weakness, I can't feel safe around other people because I'm too pathetic and slow thinkinf to handle it
 
you can work through that, or at least try to

you don't have to give up just because it seems impossible
 
I feel that I'm delusional (let this clarity last jfc). I make 16 dollars an hour working an intellectually inclined fulltime job. I have a girlfriend and a couple friends and everybody thinks that I'm completely fine when I'm not fuckin around with meth. I fucking hate this shit, everything is a lie when I'm coming down and everybodys out to get me. I feel that im not even functional in the slightest because of these delusions
 
Cy man, you have to decide when enough is enough. Trust me it's only going to get worse if you keep using, but you are the only one that can decide.
 
Cyberius, hang in there man. I’ve faced my crazy a few times, it’s scary but it’s not hopeless. I get that the bordem is hard, maybe explore things you like to do? You don’t have to be good at anything, just find something you enjoy doing that isn’t self destructive.
Have you talked to your therapist or psychiatrist about delusional thinking?
 
Meth is the only thing I want to have in life. I literally have no motivation to get sober because meth will take care of everything in my life.

Can somebody help me? Drugs and alcohol are the only fruits life can offer me. I wasn't born a full human being and I can't have what others have
 
achemicalreaction said:
Cyberius, hang in there man. I’ve faced my crazy a few times, it’s scary but it’s not hopeless. I get that the bordem is hard, maybe explore things you like to do? You don’t have to be good at anything, just find something you enjoy doing that isn’t self destructive.
Have you talked to your therapist or psychiatrist about delusional thinking?
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I know my thinking is wrong and I know what I should be thinking. I just have no personal connection to this heavy sack of suffering I occupy and I really want to see myself fail. Deep inside theres no spark, no desire to ever heal or change. My behavior isn't my problem it's everybody elses. I take no responsibility in this life for how I act because I never stopped wishing the cord was just wrapped around my neck a minute longer as an infant
 
Have you thought about why people don’t use meth, even if they really like it?

I never had paranoia or psychosis from using meth but I’m better off not using meth every day.

If I kept up with the pace I was on, I would have had chronic high BP. Wears out your body prematurely.

You only want it so badly because it has overstimulated your reward pathways. It’s important not to let your brain physiology/neurochemistry play you like a fool.
 
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