I really should be tapering

[cj]

My life is in a bit of a downward spiral lately. I just got put on probation and I'm having a hard time complying with the drug tests. I get so nervous about pissing that a shake, sweat, and feel like I'm going to pass out it's miserable. To make it worse the tests are stupid frequent like I've had 3 since I started 10 days ago! I have real doubt of whether I'll make it too September.

I'm at 150mg of methodone. Being on that high a dose with the threat of jail time feels like living with a gun to my head. I would feel better if I got too a reasonable 80mg or so. I think that would be survivable if I had to unexpectedly kick. Of course being drug tested means I can't fuck with comfort meds to help the taper and my clinic will only drop in increments of 10mg so I'll need meds going down. I just don't feel motivated to drop because I'm so comfortable at this dose. I have no cravings and minimum side effects. But I know I need to or I may regret it later.

Overall I've been in a bad head space lately. I want to run away and start over so badly. I've been having suicidal thoughts and ive been self harming again to the point where I can't where short sleeves anymore. I tried to hit the artery in my wrist 2 nights ago but the blade dulled before I got to the tendons. I feel like such a freak and it seems no one knows how to help me or even what to do with me.

I'm tired.

 

[Captain.Heroin]

That's why I wouldn't do a UA even for a job. It's dehumanizing. I'm sorry you're feeling dehumanized because that is what the system is doing to you.

Try to hang in there.

 

[Tubbs]

Sorry to hear that cj. Hang in there man

 

[cj]

That's why I wouldn't do a UA even for a job. It's dehumanizing. I'm sorry you're feeling dehumanized because that is what the system is doing to you.

Try to hang in there.

Yeah your right its fucked up. Not to even mention the money aspect. It's 25 dollars a drug test on top of the 60 dollar a month monitoring fee on top of 500 dollars in fines that they want in 100 dollar a month increments on top of another 100 dollar drug assessment next week which will likely follow 50 dollar a week IOP classes for 17 weeks at a place which isn't even stare certified for drug counseling but contracts with the court. It's a fucking extortion racket is what it is. It's sickening they frame it as somehow "help".

 

[Captain.Heroin]

What happens if you can't pay? Do you end up in jail?

 

[cj]

What happens if you can't pay? Do you end up in jail?

Yep. I got a letter today with a court date for "contempt of court" for being late with the fine payment this month.

And this is for a misdeminor paraphernalia charge not even a felony. I can only imagine how much more bullshit they put people through when they have serious leverage.

 

[Captain.Heroin]

Yep. I got a letter today with a court date for "contempt of court" for being late with the fine payment this month.

And this is for a misdeminor paraphernalia charge not even a felony. I can only imagine how much more bullshit they put people through when they have serious leverage.

If you ended up in jail, how long would you have to serve for?

 

[cj]

Yeah your right its fucked up. Not to even mention the money aspect. It's 25 dollars a drug test on top of the 60 dollar a month monitoring fee on top of 500 dollars in fines that they want in 100 dollar a month increments on top of another 100 dollar drug assessment next week which will likely follow 50 dollar a week IOP classes for 17 weeks at a place which isn't even stare certified for drug counseling but contracts with the court. It's a fucking extortion racket is what it is. It's sickening they frame it as somehow "help".

If you ended up in jail, how long would you have to serve for?

I'm not sure. My suspended sentence is 1 week for the paraphernalia charge but someone I met at the po office told me they will make me do the 7 days then restart my probation if I violate. That sounds like bullshit but I'm figuring out these people do whatever they want. For contempt of court I think that's a whole other charge so I don't really know what I would be looking at with that. But I think my parents are going to step up and pay it for me. I'm not proud of that but they understand it may very well be life and death with the methodone withdrawal issue.

I need to set up an appointment with a real lawyer. I paid a bargain bin guy and got bargain bin representation and explanations. I wanted to do the 7 days and avoid probation all together but he said that wasn't possible because of reasons.

This would be a laughable situation if methodone wasn't involved. Sigh

 

[Jabberwocky]

JFC cj, I don't know what I'd do in your shoes. Sounds beyond difficult. UAs like that are so incredibly dehumanizing as CH pointed out and I'm very sure you already know.

Do you still have a private psych/doc? A good doctor would understand you're really going through a hard time and prescribe you whatever meds are necessary (and if you sign a release of information so he/she can advocate for you your clinic and the court should fall in line - assuming you find yourself a good lawyer I mean...).

Fuck dude. I haaaaaaaaate that shit. Please excuse me while I go out and yell at a wall for a few minutes

 

[cj]

Yeah I got a good private therapist. He helped me find an IOP program that will let me stay on methodone if the other one the court reffered me too won't accept me on methodone. So that part looks like it's going to work out. But it's a high stress situation. I'm getting a job first thing next week and I'm going to start banking money up too 3 grand then I'm leaving. This is the last straw in Alabama. I'm out of here before I end up in prison for real

Far as the UAs it's beyond dehumanizing. It's traumatizing because of the sex abuse I went through. Having a guy standing behind me while I try to piss triggers the fuck out of me. I get crazy sweaty my heart races I feel sick it's like being molested all over again. Of course no one really cares. I would kill myself but that would mean they won and they aren't going to win.

 

[Captain.Heroin]

Probably feels kind of like this, huh?

Try to hang in there man, and definitely do plan on moving out of the state. Things are way better in other places of the country. Stay strong.

 

[cj]

Haha exactly captain exactly. But it could be worse. I got rid of a significant amount of schedule 4 drug before the cop pulled me out of the car so i could of had a felony if it hadn't worked out how it did

 

[Captain.Heroin]

Have you worked on acceptance?

 

[cj]

Have you worked on acceptance?

Not really but I don't have much choice but acceptance. It's not staying sober that is hard its the other bullshit. But at the end of the day I'll either go to jail or I won't. Worrying about it won't do any good. I'll be ok.

 

[Captain.Heroin]

Working on acceptance is something I've tasked myself with and I've made progress on. I try to accept things are just going to be the way they are and I'm already doing my best to make things better, etc. and I don't give up when things get difficult.

I'm not done working on it though. I still have rough days.

 

[cj]

Yeah the difference between acceptance and being content to suffer is a fine line I think. I'm trying to just convince myself that no matter what happens it will be an adventure that I will be stronger for having gone through. At least that is what I'm trying to convince myself.

 

[Captain.Heroin]

You’ll be older and wiser at the very least.

I often wonder what would have happened if I discovered heroin at age 50. Would have ruined my life and smaller chances of recovery

Now I have a chance at a decent life.

 

[wolf359loki]

You’ll be older and wiser at the very least.

I often wonder what would have happened if I discovered heroin at age 50. Would have ruined my life and smaller chances of recovery

Now I have a chance at a decent life.

I can tell you what it's like to develop a habit late in life. I was about 38 when I tried some percs at a friends party. The only real reason I did it was I don't drink or smoke weed (but have always been a supporter of the cause) so I was told it was like having a couple of beers. At first it was but fuck did it get out of control fast. Not I will spend 100 bucks a day on Rx from others and I loved nothing better than grabbing 20 Percy's and doing them all in a day.

I am just heading into my detoxing stage now. Tomorrow at about noon will ne the 24 hour mark for me. I have gotten off a few times from a week to about 6 or 8 weeks. Not counting the detox of 4 or 5 days. It ducks because I can afford the habit from a dollar standpoint. I can't even go get help as it would risk my federal security clearance that is vital to my business.

I have my connection looking for some suboxone to help me get off this stuff.

I have tapered down to 3 x 4mg of dillys and that was tough. I felt like crap all over the Christmas holidays. Having to put on that fake smile while the only thing you want to do is leave and be miserably alone.

 

[cj]

I can tell you what it's like to develop a habit late in life. I was about 38 when I tried some percs at a friends party. The only real reason I did it was I don't drink or smoke weed (but have always been a supporter of the cause) so I was told it was like having a couple of beers. At first it was but fuck did it get out of control fast. Not I will spend 100 bucks a day on Rx from others and I loved nothing better than grabbing 20 Percy's and doing them all in a day.

I am just heading into my detoxing stage now. Tomorrow at about noon will ne the 24 hour mark for me. I have gotten off a few times from a week to about 6 or 8 weeks. Not counting the detox of 4 or 5 days. It ducks because I can afford the habit from a dollar standpoint. I can't even go get help as it would risk my federal security clearance that is vital to my business.

I have my connection looking for some suboxone to help me get off this stuff.

I have tapered down to 3 x 4mg of dillys and that was tough. I felt like crap all over the Christmas holidays. Having to put on that fake smile while the only thing you want to do is leave and be miserably alone.

That sucks. But at least you have the resources to support a habit. Being young an addicted turns desperate really quick due to no financial cushion.

Anyway I decided not to taper. It wouldn't make much difference anyway. What's the real difference between kicking 100mg and 150mg? I don't know but at some point full blown withdrawal is full blown withdrawal

 

[LopLover]

cj, that totally sucks. I read an article the other day that explained the system you're stuck in right now. They called it "debtor's prison," and explained to your average joe how they screw over working poor and even middle class people by turning over fine collection to private companies that then have the power to put you in jail for not making your fine payments on time. They can actually charge you with contempt of court, an entirely separate charge, based on a report from the private, for-profit collection company that you are behind on your fines. Which then means that, if you have a job, you lose it, and in your case, you could actually die, because frankly, cold turkey from any dose of methadone over about 60-75 mg is dangerous. And I know how jails treat methadone clients--been there, done that, bought the T-shirt. If your parents will help you pay for a real attorney, that's my recommendation. The difference in the way the court treats you if you come with a private attorney is 180 degrees different than if you have a public defender. That PD is being paid by the same people who want to put you in jail, and they will sell you up the river so fast it'll make your head spin. Been there as well... ~namaste & best wishes~