I think I'm a bad person now

[ItWasMagical]

I'm not sure when this started. Maybe as soon as I took my first hit. Maybe it was before then, during the years of abuse. Or after, during the isolation. But I've changed.

I'm self centered. I'd do anything for a hit, hurt anyone, lie, steal. In fact, I have, and I only think about myself now. It used to keep me up at night, but now I've come to accept it I guess. Now the desire to change only comes back during the odd moment of clarity, during the panic attacks. When I see myself in the naked perception that comes with ego death, during the rare bad trip.

The dread comes back sometimes too, but I drown it out with any substance I can get my hands on.

I'm not even sure why I'm typing this. I think I want advice, like a part of me still wants to get better. But every time I get advice that seems decent, I brush it off and keep getting high. And I convince myself it's okay. I want to stop, but I know I have to be ready to stop for it to happen.

I just want to stop falling apart, yo. I'm literally driving myself insane. I'm isolated constantly, and high constantly. I don't know how socialization works anymore. I haven't left the house in weeks. I'm supposed to be getting a job but I stopped trying 2 months ago. I keep trying to stop but I physically can't move my body when it comes to fixing it. I'm second guessing all my perceptions, I'm disoriented, the way my memory is decaying is scaring me more and more every day.

I can't keep convincing myself to use. I can't stop though. What do I do? I need to fix my trauma stuff so I can stop wanting to use, but I need to stop using to have the mental capacity to fix my trauma stuff. It's a cycle. Mistakes paint themselves as solutions, and then I get trapped. I need help, but I don't know where to go to get it. If I check myself into rehab, I could lose my apartment. I have cats to take care of. And a friend I would be abandoning in all this. Wtf could I realistically do?

I'm having suicidal thoughts, and I'm considering it more and more every day. I could intentionally OD. I really could. Every day, I think to myself every 5 minutes, for hours and hours, "please fucking let me die. Just let me die please, I just want the pain to end. Just end the pain, end my suffering, please"

This is every sober moment, until I get my heroin again, or my oxy, or my morphine. Or my hydro, or my weed, alcohol, kratom, ketamine, DXM, or DPH for that matter. At this point I'm doing anything I can get ahold of to escape.

I'm so fucked.

 

[chemctrl]

I've been where you are many, many times my friend. At this point I can only empathize because although I'm clean now I'm regularly suicidal and although I know it's the PAWS amplifying my already existing mental illness, rational thought doesn't mean shit to a sick mind. When I was using I felt like I was stuck, a slave to heroin. My life was, while shitty, at least in constant motion so I wasn't stuck there with myself in my head. Now that the numbness is gone, I have to deal with myself and everything I did. I'm sorry, I'm sure all this talk isn't helping much. I guess I needed an outlet too. Let me tell you what, it took me going to jail for a week to detox, but it's taking me wanting to be better FOR MYSELF that's kept me clean this ling (which is the longest I have voluntarily in 10 years). So I mean, maybe consider checking into a detox if it's possible? The ones around here are only 3-5 days, is that within the realm of possibility for you?

 

[km1234]

Look very few people are past redemption and I'm doubtful you're one of them. You're likely not just a "bad person" now and that that's all there is to it.
As far as I can tell, things don't really get better without some kind of change. Quitting is likely just as or more painful than what's happening now but at least it's productive.
You just have to find a way to start. I'm on the edge of that myself hopefully. I can only put it off for so long and the situations not getting any better. I'm unhappy already so maybe it's time to just say fuck it and try the other thing.
Idk. I haven't done it yet so I don't have much advice other than that old line about how if you put half as much effort in to getting better as you do into getting high that you'd be doing good.
Good luck. And don't chalk it up to simply being a bad person cause you know it's more complicated than that

 

[herbavore]

When I was raising my kids the mantra for good parents was always, "Try to find a way to correct behavior that let's the kid know he or she is not a bad person, rather that the behavior is causing problems for others or the child him or herself." I remember thinking, "Adults should do this for each other, too." We live in a shaming and blaming society and it is hard not to internalize that way of thinking. It's not that you should never feel bad about doing things that hurt others--of course you should! But that is called remorse. That shows that your moral compass is intact. But where it goes dangerously south is when you shame yourself into becoming defined by your bad choices. We all make bad choices.

You can come back from this, stronger and more compassionate than ever. I know what you mean about hearing good advice, even seeking it out and then ignoring it. That is pretty universal, too. Sometimes, it just takes a while for things to truly sink in. I think you are in a strong place. You see how out of control you are of your own body and mind and you did something proactive--you wrote this out. That took courage and it took honest reflection. You have everything you need right inside yourself to heal from what makes you want to run away and hide. Try not to get discouraged. Show yourself love and encouragement instead. You have an entire life to keep working at it.

 

[mrburns86]

I'm in the exact same position. Let me know if you find a solution!