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Mental Health New HERE! Need some guidance....

J

Jesilyn

Greenlighter
Joined
Dec 11, 2017
Messages
2
I have mild PTSD.. I was molested by my father for around 4 to maybe 8 almost 9 years old... Never told anyone until i attempted suicide for them 2nd time an got put into a mental facility at about 12 or 13. went to a counselor or years..... medicine daily! Got pregnant with my first baby boy at 15 years old! i stooped drinking and smoking pot and really stepped up for a child... stayed in high school and he was always with me other than for my classes. I woke up to give next to me in bed and rubbed his sweet face and he felt cold so i pushed his blank over his. Made his bottle water like every morning...went pee and went to wake him to eat an get bathed for the dayand do our everyday routine. his body way so.ive cold... With spots of blue and called 911 and began CPR. Heard him try... gurging while I breathed it to his mouth than the fire department got there an said they weren't waiting for the ambulance an to him to the hospital so i walked there... they were still working on him when i arrived they put us in a room to wait. The Dr comes in and says we tried everything and im so sorry... we couldn't bring him back.... He would be 14 years old now and still dream about that day.... and my childhood! It affects me and everyone im friends or family with my depression and axitety... im.tired hurting everyone close to me and i could make it look like an accident so my husband and 5 babies could set for a while be caught up and have alittle put back for emergency stufc... They would all be more comfortable and happy... i think i need help.... anybody know how u can find help with my current feelings? Tia
 
I am no expert but you need to talk to someone now. Leaving your 5 babies will cause them to grow up with the same problems that you had. Nothing is that bad. call the suicide help line now. i have been where you are and there is nothing worth it especially if your kids will be the ones you are helping. feel free to pm me. dont do anything crazy. please

i cant pm you because it wont let me, but please let me know you are going to at least try the number https://suicidepreventionlifeline.org/
 
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I did they said im doing every i should be and i could call anytime i need help getting into a hospital with no insurance
 
There are hospitals that will take you without insurance. tell them you are suicidal and they will take you 100%
 
I promise. I am telling the truth. that is a permanent solution to a temporary problem. you will destroy your kids. if nothing else for that reason alone you need to sleep on it
 
you still here? would love for you to tell me you will try. i will pm you my personal email if that shows you anything. Plus if you do anything dumb that will ruin my first day on this thing
 
Ok i am going to bed, I will check as soon as i wake up. i hope you will let me know you are ok
 
Jesilyn, I cannot believe the amount of pain you carry. No wonder you are exhausted and vulnerable to despair. When my son died, I wanted to die, too. But I have another son. What message would he have inevitably taken from that act? Would he have been able to understand that I was simply that broken? No, he would have concluded that only his brother mattered to me. This knowledge got me through at least to a place where I had the motivation to live. They say that parents should never live completely through their children and if everything is hunky-dory and you are all doing relatively OK then that is sage advice. But sometimes life has dealt someone so much misery, for so long (childhood sexual abuse) that a crisis convinces a very good mother (or father) that her living children will be better off without her. This is when living through your children can save your life. I stayed alive for my other son but now (6 years) I am alive for me. Funneling my whole life into his was not sustainable for the long run but it doesn't have to be. It is simply a way to connect back to one of your own greatest strengths: your motherlove.

How old are your other children? Can you make a special day for each one of them? Do something simple but feel their gratitude and love bouy you? Despair is very convincing. It paints the present as the future but it's a false picture. Hearts can and do heal enough to not only make life tolerable but meaningful. You had your childhood robbed from you by your own father. Then you bore the brunt of the punishment by being called crazy and being incarcerated. Then you were given no choice but to shut up and put up. I know that no one that has not suffered this can even come close to understanding the depth of the hurt. But you also have to consider the depth of hurt you would inflict on your kids if you were to end your own life? If you ever read the stories of kids who have a parent suicide it will sound very much like a kid who was physically or sexually abused. Maybe you could use this to get fierce: tell despair he's not winning this one. You are going to break him and his cycle of grief.

Bluelight has many members that are survivors of childhood abuse and some of us have lost children. You can say anything you need to say here and you will find support. I do hope that you are OK and I hope that you will come back and post. Maybe writing will help. It does for me.

So much love going out to you as you try to face this down.:(<3<3<3
 
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