I feel like I ruined myself for good! (5 months clean) please help.

[MD96]

Dear Bluelight,
I'm 21 years old, male

I'm here to share my experience with you guys and hope I can get some answers or other peeps experiences.
First of all I want to say that i've been extremely addicted to gaming and screens in general for the past 10 years wich probably causes extreme lack of sleep without me even noticing. Im really scared this is not recoverable and this probably had negative impact on drug abuse as well.
Im now 5 months clean of everything.
It all started about 3.5 years ago.
I just dropped out of college, and was left with a guy who became my best friend from my class.
We did alot of stuff together.
I quitted smoking weed for school but since I dropped out i started smoking weed once in a while again.
This continued on for like half a year until i started smoking more.


I also became really interested in psychedelic drugs like mushrooms and someone talked me into doing it.
This friend wasnt into drugs at all but as I started doing more and more drugs he saw me going into a downwards spiral.
I started experimenting with MDMA too and got myself some new friends who also experimented with drugs.
What we mainly did was smoking weed and drop some X occasionally.


My mom couldnt have me @ home anymore so I went to this home for people who got kicked out.
And guess what, almost everybody there smoked weed or did something.
The experimenting went on for like 1 year.


In this time I already had really bad drug experiences and bad trips but I continued using.
Until I was told to go to a rehab center.
After 4 weeks I was kicked out for some small things.


The 2nd day I was out I started using again with some guy I met in rehab , but not marijuana but other things since I thought it's not my main drug so I can just use other drugs.
His parents went away for 2 months so I stayed at his house for 2 months and it was using/drinking like almost every day.
I didn't know at the time but my mental state was getting worse and worse.

Eventually I started smoking weed too again and went to rehab for a second time.


Longest I quitted was like 6 months but this doesn't really count since I used occasionally in these 6 months. I was one big mess and I saw like no improvement to my mental symptoms wich caused me to start using again.


This went on for a couple of months and about 5 months ago I was so extremely miserable and anxious, socially anxious and just mentally confused that I couldn't continue anymore.
Btw, I forgot to say that i've also been gaming addicted since i was like 11.


So.. 5 months ago i made the choice to quit all drugs, but i couldn't quit gaming/mobile phone addiction by myself, so i made the choice to go to a rehab center again, where iam right now.
Symptoms I have :
Dizziness
Extreme social anxiety
General anxiety
Negative thoughts
Mentally confused (Sometimes i can barely speak)
Disrupted sleep pattern and really weird dreams.
I have like no energy at all
Guys, my life right now is living hell.

At this rehab center i'm at right now I feel like i'm the only person who has these kind of symptoms so I feel like I have no recognition with anyone.
Im really scared I triggered something by using drugs and I wont get better anymore.
I also talk to a psychologist and a psychiatrist.
My psychiatrist says I need to recover and it can take a long time. But Im really starting to give my hopes up because im already clean for 5 months and I see little to no difference.
Im also on antipsychotics to reduce the anxiety a bit, but I barely see a difference.
I'm having alot of suicidal thoughts and I have my doubts if my life will ever be normal again.
As of right now I have like no friends/contacts since i'm too messed to have any right now

I should say that like 2 weeks ago I had a really good week where I thought it was finally gonna be over but nope, it came back hard.


I just want to live my life again, drugs free.

 

[kleinerkiffer]

What antipsychotic are you taking, at what dosage and when did you start taking it? Imo antipsychotics shouldn't be used to treat anxiety, but I'm not a doctor..
Imo/ime it'll take time, but you'll feel better eventually. The human brain is really resilient and you didn't abuse drugs for that long, so you should be alright. Maybe try and look into meditation and yoga, it might help a bit. And try to relax (I know, easy to say but hard to actually do), if you keep observing your body/mind all day everyday you'll get stuck, because if you look for negative symptoms you'll most likely find some and then you'll get stuck in a loop thinking 'I'll never feel better etc.'.It'll take time, it won't be easy and it won't happen overnight, but eventually you'll feel better! Try not to worry too much.
And maybe look into CBT or talking therapy as ime drug abuse often is a sign of an underlying mental illness (been there, done that, I suffer from anxiety/depression and abused drugs between 15-18 to feel better, but drugs only mask problems and make em worse in the long run).
Welcome to Bluelight and all the best

 

[Wiserthanearlier]

Mate, i feel somewhat similiar, albeit, im impn my mid 30s and have a good job and family.
point is drugs do, do damage.

I would love to know what its like to do things with a normal mind, but i have to cope with what i have.
However one thing is importsnt, you can control it. Abstinence.

Btw, im also pretty bad with screen time. Im on my tablet for hours every night. But i try to be balanced.
Good diet and exercise go a long way.....

 

[Wiserthanearlier]

Btw, agree with mod comments.
Drugs are for escaping, thats why they mask so well.

Cbt is good if ghere is anything in the past to work through.

 

[MD96]

Hey man, first of all thanks for taking time to read my story.
The antipsychotics im taking is called Olanzapine, aka zyprexa.
Did you also read the sleep deprivation part I edited?

Ive been gaming addicted for 10 years and when you watch screens before bed your brain stays active.
Ive done this for like 10 years and im rly scared it wont recover.
I do feel better already than 5 months ago but its rly slow, i hope i can fully recover.

 

[Jabberwocky]

From what I understand there are treatment centers out there specifically for people with gaming related "use disorders" (aka addiction). I'd really focus on getting your mental health issues treated though, and focus on a treatment center that specializes in mental illness. The vast, vast majority of treatment centers are not capable of treating mental illness, and even those that advertise that they do pale in comparison to facilities that specialize in it more so.

Zyprexa... I was prescribed that for severe insomnia. Totally inappropriate use of the medicine IMO. It's a very powerful drug with serious side effects (diabetes anyone?), and they are far more appropriate drugs to treat insomnia out there than antipsychotics. I find it disturbing how commonly antipsychotic drugs are used to treat insomnia or anxiety. It's using a cannon to shoot a rabbit instead of a bow and arrow...

Has anyone mentioned CBD?

What part of the world do you live in OP?

The good news is that with proper care and giving yourself a break from serious drug use (MDMA, super high potency cannabis products, etc) the brain can heal from almost anything. It is an incredibly resilient organ.

Hopefully you can find ways to focus on just taking care of your basic needs, like having some place safe to live (safe as defined by you) and something meaningful you feel good about to do with your time (school, volunteering or work).

Meeting such basic needs is a prerequisite for long term recovery in my humble opinion, but most detox/treatment centers don't do anything of substance to help someone figure that kind of stuff out (and when they do they do a piss poor job at it) - which is to say try to rely on yourself as much as possible and don't just do whatever the treatment centers tells you (try it out to see if it works for you, but if it doesn't feel right keep trying other things until something feels right).

 

[MD96]

From what I understand there are treatment centers out there specifically for people with gaming related "use disorders" (aka addiction). I'd really focus on getting your mental health issues treated though, and focus on a treatment center that specializes in mental illness. The vast, vast majority of treatment centers are not capable of treating mental illness, and even those that advertise that they do pale in comparison to facilities that specialize in it more so.

Zyprexa... I was prescribed that for severe insomnia. Totally inappropriate use of the medicine IMO. It's a very powerful drug with serious side effects (diabetes anyone?), and they are far more appropriate drugs to treat insomnia out there than antipsychotics. I find it disturbing how commonly antipsychotic drugs are used to treat insomnia or anxiety. It's using a cannon to shoot a rabbit instead of a bow and arrow...

Has anyone mentioned CBD?

What part of the world do you live in OP?

The good news is that with proper care and giving yourself a break from serious drug use (MDMA, super high potency cannabis products, etc) the brain can heal from almost anything. It is an incredibly resilient organ.

Hopefully you can find ways to focus on just taking care of your basic needs, like having some place safe to live (safe as defined by you) and something meaningful you feel good about to do with your time (school, volunteering or work).

Meeting such basic needs is a prerequisite for long term recovery in my humble opinion, but most detox/treatment centers don't do anything of substance to help someone figure that kind of stuff out (and when they do they do a piss poor job at it) - which is to say try to rely on yourself as much as possible and don't just do whatever the treatment centers tells you (try it out to see if it works for you, but if it doesn't feel right keep trying other things until something feels right).

Hey man, thanks alot for the reply.
I personally think that the "brain fog" and all the other weird symptoms come from long term sleep deprivation.
It feels like my brain is dead, specially in the mornings.

Also what do you mean with the mental ilnesses?
I personally dont think I have any.

 

[Jabberwocky]

Generally speaking people who experience a use disorder, whether it involves gaming or substance use or another problematic habit behaviors, there are also a degree or associated mental illness issues.

That is to say, compulsive gaming that ends up taking over some one's life generally doesn't come from no where. There are reason that kind of behavior is attractive and makes the user feel good.

This is to say there are likely underlying issues with your gaming. Underlying issues may be related to mental illness: issues such as social phobia, anxiety, insomnia, mood disorders, there are a host of sort of low level conditions that would encourage compulsive gaming because it helps make you feel a little more in control than you are.

But the underlying issues are also often related to lots of issues, such as trauma: both trauma with a bit T - i.e. getting assaulted or raped or robbed at gunpoint - and trauma with a little t - meaningful you have experience low level harm from, for instance, neglect, for a sustained period of time, where the "small" identifiable instances of harm have added up to something more significant collectively.

How old are you? Different kinds of mental illness tend to present at different ages. Is there are way you can focus more on your health, like sleeping more, eating right and getting exercise, even though you continue to game? Even small improvements can turn into big successes, so there is no reason you shouldn't start trying to better yourself in whatever ways you can.

Reminds me of this song: https://www.youtube.com/watch?v=rqdrtzCaSHw&list=WL&index=29

 

[Bonch]

In time you will feel better! Try to stay positive even when you don't feel like it. Tell your self everything will be alright. I tell this to myself all day everyday.
You should research the herb called Ashwaganda. I take several teaspoons worth when I get sad and depressed. It can help with energy and mood. Also Bhrami is another herb that could be helpful to you. Bhrami helps your brain as well as many other parts of the body.

You have 5 months clean! That is so awesome!

Remember: try to keep a positive mental attitude! It helps so much !
Not saying any of this is easy. You are a warrior ! Keep it up!

 

[MD96]

Generally speaking people who experience a use disorder, whether it involves gaming or substance use or another problematic habit behaviors, there are also a degree or associated mental illness issues.

That is to say, compulsive gaming that ends up taking over some one's life generally doesn't come from no where. There are reason that kind of behavior is attractive and makes the user feel good.

This is to say there are likely underlying issues with your gaming. Underlying issues may be related to mental illness: issues such as social phobia, anxiety, insomnia, mood disorders, there are a host of sort of low level conditions that would encourage compulsive gaming because it helps make you feel a little more in control than you are.

But the underlying issues are also often related to lots of issues, such as trauma: both trauma with a bit T - i.e. getting assaulted or raped or robbed at gunpoint - and trauma with a little t - meaningful you have experience low level harm from, for instance, neglect, for a sustained period of time, where the "small" identifiable instances of harm have added up to something more significant collectively.

How old are you? Different kinds of mental illness tend to present at different ages. Is there are way you can focus more on your health, like sleeping more, eating right and getting exercise, even though you continue to game? Even small improvements can turn into big successes, so there is no reason you shouldn't start trying to better yourself in whatever ways you can.

Reminds me of this song: https://www.youtube.com/watch?v=rqdrtzCaSHw&list=WL&index=29

Hey man, thanks for the reply.
Im 21 years old.
And about the gaming, I quitted gaming around 3 months ago too.
Also I do have ADHD. And probably multiple anxiety disorders.
Im so scared that I did permanent damage to myself though.

 

[MD96]

In time you will feel better! Try to stay positive even when you don't feel like it. Tell your self everything will be alright. I tell this to myself all day everyday.
You should research the herb called Ashwaganda. I take several teaspoons worth when I get sad and depressed. It can help with energy and mood. Also Bhrami is another herb that could be helpful to you. Bhrami helps your brain as well as many other parts of the body.

You have 5 months clean! That is so awesome!

Remember: try to keep a positive mental attitude! It helps so much !
Not saying any of this is easy. You are a warrior ! Keep it up!

Thanks alot my friend for reading and thanks for the positive thought!

Sometimes im really giving up hope because i see little to no difference.
I feel much slower than I used to and I can barely talk to people. I feel like I cant socialize anymore and I got extreme social anxiety.
Im really scared I triggered something permanent with drugs or something.

Also my focus is really gone, i can barely follow conversations.

Everybody around me says its anxiety and recovery and it will all be alright but when you're the one experiencing this its hard to keep that belief sometimes.

And about the herb, ill definitely do some research on it mate.

 

[Jabberwocky]

Hey man, thanks for the reply.
Im 21 years old.
And about the gaming, I quitted gaming around 3 months ago too.
Also I do have ADHD. And probably multiple anxiety disorders.
Im so scared that I did permanent damage to myself though.

The good (really good) news is that the brain and body and sense of self are incredibly resilient. It's unlikely you did any serious damage to yourself, and even if you did there is literally no reason you mind and body won't be able to heal, if only you give them the chance to. Perhaps try being a little kind toward yourself, and explore what that really means for you as an individual, given the particularities of the causes and conditions of your life.

Do try and keep your head up. You hardly sound like someone who is truly lost or someone who is beyond repair. Far, far from it. If you can manage three months of sobriety or abstinence, you can chance you life pretty much however your heart really desires.

 

[MD96]

The good (really good) news is that the brain and body and sense of self are incredibly resilient. It's unlikely you did any serious damage to yourself, and even if you did there is literally no reason you mind and body won't be able to heal, if only you give them the chance to. Perhaps try being a little kind toward yourself, and explore what that really means for you as an individual, given the particularities of the causes and conditions of your life.

Do try and keep your head up. You hardly sound like someone who is truly lost or someone who is beyond repair. Far, far from it. If you can manage three months of sobriety or abstinence, you can chance you life pretty much however your heart really desires.

Thank you so much for your time.

I do feel like im truly lost and my true self is completely gone.
Im extremely socially anxious and I feel very mentally confused daily.
Im so scared there's something wrong with me and it won't get better.

Life is really hard for me right now and everyone around me says it will all be alright.

Its hard for me to think positive.

 

[Jabberwocky]

What matters most is how you feel about all this, so try not to let what we tell you make you feel worse.

Anxiety and dis-ease so intense it boarders on paranoia can be really insidious though. For many people it ends up exacerbating their difficulties. Have you ever tried to learn how to work with your feelings more skillfully, in perhaps less aversive ways than you're describing?

Just saying, you sound like a good MBSR candidate

 

[rainyday107]

You’re super young! My first thought when I started to read your post.

I was curious if a mood disorder was ruled out? Dual diagnosis?

I’m dual diagnosis bipolar/recovered alcoholic....I can share my two cents on antipsychotics, maybe it will help? I experience anxiety and I’m easily distracted (symptoms of my mood disorder).

If Zyprexa is giving you a voracious appetite and/or is making you very sedated....there are other options. I can only share my personal experience: Geodon (Ziprasidone) is what I take and I’ve adjusted well to it. I take it for bipolar disorder 1 (help curb mania and psychosis). Abilify (Aripripazole) is in the same class of antipsychotics and is typically activating rather than sedating.

Both of those drugs (not at the same time) have helped me. Neither typically cause weight gain. I’m not a doctor nor promoting antipsychotics—they are heavy-duty drugs, but they can be effective for psychosis and mood disorders. I only take mine if I’m symptomatic. Some antipsychotics make a person feel “out of it”/blunted affect....I have no experience with Zyprexa, but I felt that way on Seroquel. You have options with the meds, is my point. Unpleasant side effects are not something you have to accept, IMO. A lot of psych meds have initial side effects that disappear after a week or two .... others do not. Talk to your doctor about your symptoms...it may be your meds. And your brain is healing, too, of course. Things take time.

I hear the distress through your posts....hang in there, ok? Getting clean off of substances and time .... and staying clean will really turn things around for you, I think. It’s just my opinion, but I think you’re being too hard on yourself right now. I bet a lot of people spend as much time watching tv or using the Internet as gaming. Granted, sleep is critical and it sounds like gaming negatively impacted your daily life. I’m not attempting to give advice, just support and sending positivity your way.

I think you will be OK, I do! PM me if you need a listening ear.

 

[MD96]

You’re super young! My first thought when I started to read your post.

I was curious if a mood disorder was ruled out? Dual diagnosis?

I’m dual diagnosis bipolar/recovered alcoholic....I can share my two cents on antipsychotics, maybe it will help? I experience anxiety and I’m easily distracted (symptoms of my mood disorder).

If Zyprexa is giving you a voracious appetite and/or is making you very sedated....there are other options. I can only share my personal experience: Geodon (Ziprasidone) is what I take and I’ve adjusted well to it. I take it for bipolar disorder 1 (help curb mania and psychosis). Abilify (Aripripazole) is in the same class of antipsychotics and is typically activating rather than sedating.

Both of those drugs (not at the same time) have helped me. Neither typically cause weight gain. I’m not a doctor nor promoting antipsychotics—they are heavy-duty drugs, but they can be effective for psychosis and mood disorders. I only take mine if I’m symptomatic. Some antipsychotics make a person feel “out of it”/blunted affect....I have no experience with Zyprexa, but I felt that way on Seroquel. You have options with the meds, is my point. Unpleasant side effects are not something you have to accept, IMO. A lot of psych meds have initial side effects that disappear after a week or two .... others do not. Talk to your doctor about your symptoms...it may be your meds. And your brain is healing, too, of course. Things take time.

I hear the distress through your posts....hang in there, ok? Getting clean off of substances and time .... and staying clean will really turn things around for you, I think. It’s just my opinion, but I think you’re being too hard on yourself right now. I bet a lot of people spend as much time watching tv or using the Internet as gaming. Granted, sleep is critical and it sounds like gaming negatively impacted your daily life. I’m not attempting to give advice, just support and sending positivity your way.

I think you will be OK, I do! PM me if you need a listening ear.

Thanks alot for taking the time to read my story friend.
Im on a train right now and i feel paranoid as fuck.
I hope it will really all go away.

I feel like the healing process is really really slow.
Also I hope its not early dementia or something.
Thats something im really anxious about too.

 

[jalara]

Thanks alot for taking the time to read my story friend.
Im on a train right now and i feel paranoid as fuck.
I hope it will really all go away.

I feel like the healing process is really really slow.
Also I hope its not early dementia or something.
Thats something im really anxious about too.

No not early denentia you’ll be fine! That’s paranoia and anxiety telling you that. Your life is just starting, I wish I was that young too.

 

[MD96]

No not early denentia you’ll be fine! That’s paranoia and anxiety telling you that. Your life is just starting, I wish I was that young too.

Thank you very much man.
I feel extremely sleep deprivated already for 5 months.
Atleast I think its sleep deprivation.
I feel trapped inside my own head and I dont know how long its gonna take.


I started writing down positive things I do each day, my psychologist told me it can help alot.
All the things I worry about I write down too, and at 8 o clock in the morning I open the book and get 10 minutes to worry.
Hope it helps

 

[MD96]

I feel like its never gonna get better.
Each day where I think Im finally getting better it comes back real hard.

I still remember the experience i "think" that caused this mess 1.5 years ago.
I couldnt even speak words for like 2 weeks.


I shouldve quitted immediatly but I just continued using and using and using recklessly.
I did quit some times for a while but I relapsed again each time.
I hate myself for doing this

This is the first time im really clean for 5.5 months
I feel like because I kept using I prevented my brain to heal and now my brain is just done? I feel like its ability to repair itself is just broken.

Each day I live is just hell, confusion and sadness.
Idk if I can take this for much longer.

Im gonna try CBD oil see if it can help me.
And I do mindfulness some times.

 

[jalara]

You’re going to be OK. For real! You’re so young and your brain will heal. It will just take a little time, something you’re fortunate to have. I bet this spring is going to be a huge turnaround for you if you stay clean, something I imagine won’t be difficult for you due to your concerns.

The thing with needing to look at screens all the time or gaming is not unusual at all. I’d say the majority of young adults are in the same situation you are, but simoky don’t care. You do and are at heightened awareness. I’m not sure what part of the world or states you’re from, but see if there’s a park nearby and when the weather is nice yu can spend the there. A place to chill and read a book, comic books, magazines. If you need your phone or tablet while adjusting that’s OK. Give yourself time. That’s super important.