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Ten year twist.

sonicwhite

sonicwhite

Bluelighter
Joined
Aug 8, 2012
Messages
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Okay a little background. I first started smoking weed at 13. I then moved onto bigger things like meth xtc pain pills cocaine when I was 18. I had a psychosis in 05 that was drug induced. I got well after seven months and went back to the drugs. A year after the psychosis I got saved. I stopped all the drugs overnight. For two years I was clean and I was working and going to school.

I had some back ground noise I would call it of little whispers of audible voices. In 08 I went to a shrink and they gave me Risperdal. Then I started getting anxious so they gave me lexapro. And after that I started to obsesse to the point I was unable to take care of myself.

From 08 I was buy Xanax off the streets until 2010 when a doc prescribed me klonopin. I found out by accident you can get high off of gabapentin. As the years have been going my main drug of abuse is gabapentin. It gives me stamina and an edge. I’ve been seeing a sub doctor to get my opiate drug addiction under control.

So from 08 I’ve mainly abused gabapentin. I don’t abuse the klonopin I’m prescribed.

I’m trying to get clean folks. Everyday is a unrelenting push in my mind to do something that will make me escape. Can anyone give me any tips on how they stayed clean. I’m needing this so bad for my future.
 
Are you prescribed the gabapentin?

Sonic, I know how hard you have tried and you have had some really solid successes; and I can hear the pain in your voice when you talk about how badly you want to live without abusing drugs. When you say you got "saved" I'm assuming that you are talking about Christianity and Jesus, right? One of the things I hear people say that have this belief system is that when they are saved they feel unconditionally loved. This is where you have to try to get in your own mind. Could you love yourself, accept your humanity and flaws and believe in your own magnificence the same way that you believe Jesus could? One of the most basic things is asking yourself where the need for an altered consciousness comes from? Most of us have pain stored in us from way back. If you started taking drugs at 13, you probably have some old stuff to reconcile not to mention some of the normal growing up stages you may have missed (like developing strategies for dealing with the harder aspects of life).

Try not to get discouraged. It's tough being human. We all struggle with it. I can honestly say that I stopped needing to be high, then stopped even wanting to be high, when i improved the relationship with myself. Now I like to get high sometimes but I can take it or leave it. I had a lot of crutches (not just drugs) I had to learn to walk without. Some of them, I'm still working on at almost 64! I don't ask myself to be perfect anymore--just as kind as possible. We waste a lot of our lives asking ridiculous levels of perfection from both ourselves and those around us. It's an incredible burden to carry but it is incredibly easy to put it down once you recognize it.<3
 
Gabapentin withdrawal is pretty rough in my experience. Do you think you can taper with it?
 
My first questions is what kind of support you have in this OP. Do your friends and family know you're thinking about this, and are they supportive? Are you part of any social groups that would be supportive of what you're wanting to do with this (anything from 12 step stuff to church groups, people you volunteer with, whatever - any group of people as long as you feel safe with and supported by them in what you're doing)?
 
Yes, I was prescribed gabapentin in 08 when I was in the ward and having panic attacks. I did nothing but make me talk a lot. In 09 I just couldn’t deal with the anxiety so I started buying benzos in the streets. After 2010 my doctor that passed away prescribed me klonopin along side with other psych meds.

.25 twice a day takes care of my anxiety of klonopin. But the gabapentin does something that just makes me want to continue abusing. I go to cocmh. Central Oklahoma community mental health, I have a case worker but I e been tied up lately so I haven’t been seeing them.

I’m trying folks. I just want to be free and be real.
 
My family think I’m a lost cause. Yes I’m a born again Christian that is called to preach. Drugs are my folly. And I just want to do what I’m called to do.

Ugh it aggravates me that it’s always one step forward and two steps back.

Hopefully everything will pan out. I’m not trying to push my faith on ppl. I just live my faith and wished everyone could experience the revelations I’ve had.
 
I wish you luck, having a calling gives you all the more reason to accomplish your goal.
 
sonicwhite said:
My family think I’m a lost cause. Yes I’m a born again Christian that is called to preach. Drugs are my folly. And I just want to do what I’m called to do.

Ugh it aggravates me that it’s always one step forward and two steps back.

Hopefully everything will pan out. I’m not trying to push my faith on ppl. I just live my faith and wished everyone could experience the revelations I’ve had.
Click to expand...

There are a lot of Christian based inpatient/IOP programs. Perhaps trying a faith based IOP would work better for you, if you connect more with their message.

I'm sorry to hear about your family, that is always so sad and fucked up when they excommunicate family members in need like this.

It's really important you find your own support group, people you feel really care about you, who you feel safe with, and who are interested in living a healthy lifestyle (so they don't necessarily have to be into recovery to help you in your own recovery). And thoughts on how you'd go about getting more of a social support group? There are always recovery communities like AA/NA/Refuge Recovery too, if you want to explore them (I find them less help than they're worth, but different stroked for different folks).
 
Wulp I saw my sub doc yesterday. I told them that one 8 mg film wasn’t doing it and they said let’s go to two and if we need to go higher just call me between now and next Wednesday which I see them next week so there really isn’t no reason to call them.


Any ways I noticed that I can come off of gabapentin pretty easy with subs. I just hear they have seriously bad withdrawals but I’ve been thru benzo and gabapentin withdrawal so I know what to expect. Anyways wish me luck guys. I’m really just thinking about ct the gabapentin and go on suboxone.
 
Just keep in mind that coming off buprenorphine is best managed with a slow, well thought out, methodical taper.

Keep in mind that 16mg of buprenorphine, while appropriate for some for sure, tends not to have a huge increase in terms of positive benefits from increasing the dose. But see if it helps, and you can always experiment with adding or removing a mg or two from your present/future dose according to you need.

Any thoughts about a faith based (so in your case born again I imagine) recovery community or kind of IOP? That would help the buprenorphine be more effective. The meds are just part of, if a significant part of, the equation.
 
Well not really thinking about faith based council but I want to go to therapy and visits at my docs.

I haven’t really had the pull to abuse my gabapentin. It’s the same thing every month. I run out early and worry about withdrawals. I’m just tired of worrying so much.
 
Individual therapy and regular visits with a doctor are a good idea. It was really frustrating for me to find a therapist I could really be transparent with who would be willing to work with me (given some of my "deviant" interests). With time it happened, but it was a huge PITA for a while there.

Merry Christmas btw :)
 
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