Please help guys! I feel like i'm ruined for good (5 months clean)

[MD96]

Dear Bluelight,
I'm 21 years old, male

I'm here to share my experience with you guys and hope I can get some answers or other peeps experiences.
It all started about 3.5 years ago.
I just dropped out of college, and was left with a guy who became my best friend from my class.
We did alot of stuff together.
I quitted smoking weed for school but since I dropped out i started smoking weed once in a while again.
This continued on for like half a year until i started smoking more.


I also became really interested in psychedelic drugs like mushrooms and someone talked me into doing it.
This friend wasnt into drugs at all but as I started doing more and more drugs he saw me going into a downwards spiral.
I started experimenting with MDMA too and got myself some new friends who also experimented with drugs.
What we mainly did was smoking weed and drop some X occasionally.


My mom couldnt have me @ home anymore so I went to this home for people who got kicked out.
And guess what, almost everybody there smoked weed or did something.
The experimenting went on for like 1 year.


In this time I already had really bad drug experiences and bad trips but I continued using.
Until I was told to go to a rehab center.
After 4 weeks I was kicked out for some small things.


The 2nd day I was out I started using again with some guy I met in rehab , but not marijuana but other things since I thought it's not my main drug so I can just use other drugs.
His parents went away for 2 months so I stayed at his house for 2 months and it was using/drinking like almost every day.
I didn't know at the time but my mental state was getting worse and worse.

Eventually I started smoking weed too again and went to rehab for a second time.


Longest I quitted was like 6 months but this doesn't really count since I used occasionally in these 6 months. I was one big mess and I saw like no improvement to my mental symptoms wich caused me to start using again.


This went on for a couple of months and about 5 months ago I was so extremely miserable and anxious, socially anxious and just mentally confused that I couldn't continue anymore.
Btw, I forgot to say that i've also been gaming addicted since i was like 11.


So.. 5 months ago i made the choice to quit all drugs, but i couldn't quit gaming/mobile phone addiction by myself, so i made the choice to go to a rehab center again, where iam right now.
Symptoms I have :
Dizziness
Extreme social anxiety
General anxiety
Negative thoughts
Mentally confused (Sometimes i can barely speak)
Disrupted sleep pattern and really weird dreams.
I have like no energy at all
Guys, my life right now is living hell.

At this rehab center i'm at right now I feel like i'm the only person who has these kind of symptoms so I feel like I have no recognition with anyone.
Im really scared I triggered something by using drugs and I wont get better anymore.
I also talk to a psychologist and a psychiatrist.
My psychiatrist says I need to recover and it can take a long time. But Im really starting to give my hopes up because im already clean for 5 months and I see little to no difference.
Im also on antipsychotics to reduce the anxiety a bit, but I barely see a difference.
I'm having alot of suicidal thoughts and I have my doubts if my life will ever be normal again.
As of right now I have like no friends/contacts since i'm too messed to have any right now

I should say that like 2 weeks ago I had a really good week where I thought it was finally gonna be over but nope, it came back hard.


I just want to live my life again, drugs free.

 

[Cotcha Yankinov]

Do you believe the X use played a significant role in causing the symptoms? I see there was quite a lot going on aside from the X and your post may be better fitted for another section of Bluelight.

This may sound like short advice, but it can be incredibly potent - mindfulness. Try YouTube for guided mindfulness meditations. Practice in concentrated sessions and then begin to learn to apply it throughout the day, and night if you have sleeping troubles.

Believe me when I say that chronic sleep deprivation can wreak serious havoc.

CY

 

[dxnm]

Those symptoms sound a lot like depression, you may have damaged your serotonin receptors or may just have low serotonin. You can have a brain scan to see but it can be costly.

 

[MD96]

Do you believe the X use played a significant role in causing the symptoms? I see there was quite a lot going on aside from the X and your post may be better fitted for another section of Bluelight.

This may sound like short advice, but it can be incredibly potent - mindfulness. Try YouTube for guided mindfulness meditations. Practice in concentrated sessions and then begin to learn to apply it throughout the day, and night if you have sleeping troubles.

Believe me when I say that chronic sleep deprivation can wreak serious havoc.

CY

Thanks alot for your time to read my story. I hope its indeed sleep deprivation.
I do sleep but I have the feeling that im lacking quality of sleep and my anxiety continues in my sleep, if possible.

 

[epic11]

Beware of meds they give you, they arent going to help long term. Eat as healthy as you possibly can givin the rehab circumstances (They dont give good food there....aim for veggies!!) Weed isnt a contributing factor in your story here. Id say ecstasy is the most damaging drug to ones mental health more than anything else. Did you respect the drug? Or take it more often than you should have? If its the latter, you must wait.........and wait........and wait........ and keep waiting!! YOU CAN MAKE IT! Get as much sunlight as possible, avoid mind drugs, eat as healthy as possible. I understand how hard and hopeless it feels, but time really does heal when it comes to mdma abuse. YOU CAN DO IT!

 

[Cotcha Yankinov]

Thanks alot for your time to read my story. I hope its indeed sleep deprivation.
I do sleep but I have the feeling that im lacking quality of sleep and my anxiety continues in my sleep, if possible.

If lightheadedness is a problem, especially with standing, then my other piece of advice is cardio, cardio cardio. Eat a well rounded diet and exercise lots.

 

[MD96]

Beware of meds they give you, they arent going to help long term. Eat as healthy as you possibly can givin the rehab circumstances (They dont give good food there....aim for veggies!!) Weed isnt a contributing factor in your story here. Id say ecstasy is the most damaging drug to ones mental health more than anything else. Did you respect the drug? Or take it more often than you should have? If its the latter, you must wait.........and wait........and wait........ and keep waiting!! YOU CAN MAKE IT! Get as much sunlight as possible, avoid mind drugs, eat as healthy as possible. I understand how hard and hopeless it feels, but time really does heal when it comes to mdma abuse. YOU CAN DO IT!

Thanks alot my friend for taking time to read my story.
I did take MDMA way more than I should've done and in very high dosages.

 

[nightElf]

Those symptoms sound a lot like depression, you may have damaged your serotonin receptors or may just have low serotonin. You can have a brain scan to see but it can be costly.

A brain scan does not provide you that information

 

[The Caretaker]

HI. I have been telling everyone about this but it is called BRAIN PLASTICITY. Your brain will rewire itself and you WILL feel better, but try not to get caught in a negative feedback loop. It will be difficult at first but you have to remain positive bud. Also I believe what worked for me a lot was taking Tryptophan, Fish Oil, Folic Acid, and hypothalamus pmg. It may have been a placebo but after taking MDMA 4 days in a row almost a year ago, I am completely back to normal.

 

[MD96]

HI. I have been telling everyone about this but it is called BRAIN PLASTICITY. Your brain will rewire itself and you WILL feel better, but try not to get caught in a negative feedback loop. It will be difficult at first but you have to remain positive bud. Also I believe what worked for me a lot was taking Tryptophan, Fish Oil, Folic Acid, and hypothalamus pmg. It may have been a placebo but after taking MDMA 4 days in a row almost a year ago, I am completely back to normal.

Thanks alot for your reply my friend.
Im gonna try CBD oil I think.

Im so scared I wont return to normal.
Most people wouldve stopped using after these symptoms.
I continued using for a long time even with these symptoms because i was addicted.So I hope this didnt destroy my brains ability to heal.
I just want my life back.

 

[MD96]

I really feel like if my life is never gonna come back i feel like im just gonna end it.

I think I still remember the MDMA experience that caused this all.
I shouldve just quitted but I continued using for a long time.