Nice thread, TPD!
I had an epiphany when shame came up when I was in rehab. It continues to be one of the crucial ideas under my efforts to get better.
Shame was a driving force when I started using heroin. I had spent my whole life feeling ashamed of both myself and my family. Shame was probably the strongest feeling I had about myself. And of course, once things got sour with the drugs, I was ashamed about using, about being unable to stop.
Honestly, as I'm staring down the barrel of a divorce, I think a lot of what drove my wife away had to do with shame. From what she's told me, it was hard on her to be around someone who was constantly reacting to shame. And when the drugs forced her into a role where I often felt that she was shaming me, I think that's what killed the relationship. She didn't want to be part of that. Pulling my wife into my shame drama put her in a position that she hated, and eventually she had to get away. Of course there's more to it than that. But I do think this is a significant part of what happened to us.
Over the years in recovery, shame has struck me as one of the most pervasive common denominators among people who lose their ability to control their drug use.