Need Help Figuring out a Confusing Situation

[Caine]

Hi All,
I am in a predicament. I need to figure out if I am wasting my time or this is salvageable. 3-4 months ago, a former coworker in my lab had me text her sister in Las Vegas (I am in North Carolina). She wanted us to start dating. So I texted, and we hit it off great. I did not meet her face to face for almost 2 months. She is FA for an airline. She added me to her flight benefits so I could come visit her in LV when her airline started flying of NC to LV mid-November.
Before that, I drove to Kentucky to see her the night she was there for an overnight, we had sex twice, and I drove back to NC the NEXT day to meet up with her as the charter was in Raleigh for the next day.

Not long after that, we had indicated to each other we were in love, & she wanted me to move to LV. And talked a lot about it.

this past week I went to LV to visit her & her roommate. I gave her a new MacBook for her kid & herself I had laying around, as I got an even better one, and she needed a new laptop. We got a long fine, until Thursday night. We were both drinking and I felt I was barely getting attention. Thats when the shit hit the fan. We got in a huge argument and she said she needed space. The next morning she texted me from work and said it was best I went home. I texted her back I loved her very much and hope we could fix this problem. And also even if not I still wanted to be friends with her, as she is a pretty cool girl.So of course I leave and get a hotel. While at the airport 2 days later I get a text from her saying what crazy went down the other night.

Then she said the part thats confusing me. "we can be friends but thats it for now". What does FOR NOW mean? I didn't want to push her further away by making her define her sentence. But does FOR NOW sound hopeful? And she told me her 13yo daughter was pretty mad at her the other night because I wasn't there.

Here are some things about her that may help: she's NEVER had a good relationship with a man. She has 3 children, she 38 and about to become a grandmother. She had to file for bankruptcy because her ex-husband left her with a tonne of debt. None of this bothered me, as I truly do love her. This baggage means nothing to me in the grand scheme.

I feel like maybe she is not used to being treated nicely. But I am backing off now, and only texting her when she texts me (she texted me happy birthday today and some light banter).

In you're opinion, how is the best way to approach this? Like I said, I am thrown off by the phrase "we can be friends, but thats it for now".
I appreciate you taking the time to read this colossal shitstorm and any ideas, opinions, or insights are greatly appreciated.


UPDATE: So she texted me last night & said she felt horrible about what she did. She wants to date me again but slower this time. I just need to make sure I don't get too anxious and do anything to make it move faster than she's ready for....

 

[Vastness]

This doesn't sound like (necessarily) that big a deal to me. Sounds like you have had a somewhat whirlwind and relatively short romance, you were both drinking, and things got out of hand, either one of both of you might have been in the wrong but it's hard to say and alcohol obviously can make even the best of friends behave irrationally and argue. She probably found that argument difficult to process emotionally, and is therefore maybe not too sure what she means by that phrase either and just needs a little time to think about it. After a week or so I would probably casually try to arrange meeting again and see what happens.

Obviously ideally you would ask her to define exactly what she means by what she said, or if she is not sure, or what, but I'm well aware that some, even many people are totally OK speaking in vague cliches and leaving people guessing when it comes to their interpersonal relationships. It can't hurt to ask though I think, when the time is right, although better to do it in person and perhaps a little less clinically than I've phrased it here.

All that said... The pessimist in me wants to say that even though there is no real reason to be concerned yet, this kind of abrupt severance of contact following a single drunken argument, in contrast to your own understandable desire to get it resolved as quickly as possible, is a warning sign of underdeveloped conflict resolution skills, likely stemming from past emotional trauma. If this is the case, then it probably means that this kind of incident and the subsequent frustrating confusion that you are feeling is likely to not be a one off.

Again, if you think it's worth it then this isn't an unresolvable issue, if you can somewhat pin down and understand the reasons for it (as you say, it may well be related to her experiences in past relationships), BUT just in my view, if this one week turns into 2 weeks or more, and if this kind of thing happens a second time... well, it might be best for your own mental well-being to write off the relationship at that point. Either way, if/when you are on better terms again I would try to get her to understand that this isn't a healthy way to deal with conflict. She may or may not take that well, but, it has to be said. Just in my humble opinion, of course.

 

[Caine]

alcohol obviously can make even the best of friends behave irrationally and argue. She probably found that argument difficult to process emotionally, and is therefore maybe not too sure what she means by that phrase either and just needs a little time to think about it. After a week or so I would probably casually try to arrange meeting again and see what happens.

.

To clarify, the comment came 2 days later. She was sober.

All that said... The pessimist in me wants to say that even though there is no real reason to be concerned yet, this kind of abrupt severance of contact following a single drunken argument, in contrast to your own understandable desire to get it resolved as quickly as possible, is a warning sign of underdeveloped conflict resolution skills, likely stemming from past emotional trauma. If this is the case, then it probably means that this kind of incident and the subsequent frustrating confusion that you are feeling is likely to not be a one off.

I thought about this. This was also our FIRST argument. We got along so great until that Thursday night.

I appreciate your insight. Like you said, I am not thinking its a huge deal now, but I guess I'll give it time. This may take longer than 2 weeks but I am going to let her initiate 99% if not 100% of the conversations for a while.

 

[lemmon]

Seems like rocket science to me...

 

[Jabberwocky]

Woman are impossible. If you really love her keep trying and trying as she might just be doing this as you said she's scared of a guy being overly nice or whatever.

My current girlfriend pushed me away when things started getting serious because of guys shes dated in the past have had commitment issues and when it got to that point for them they just left her. So she didn't want to get hurt again but I just persisted and proved who I am and how I felt for her now we're fine.

You need to think about how much you care/love her and how much you're willing to try. If you give it all you've got and it still doesn't work then at least you tried.

 

[Caine]

Woman are impossible. If you really love her keep trying and trying as she might just be doing this as you said she's scared of a guy being overly nice or whatever.

My current girlfriend pushed me away when things started getting serious because of guys shes dated in the past have had commitment issues and when it got to that point for them they just left her. So she didn't want to get hurt again but I just persisted and proved who I am and how I felt for her now we're fine.

You need to think about how much you care/love her and how much you're willing to try. If you give it all you've got and it still doesn't work then at least you tried.

Thats how I feel. I give it my best, then I can say I tired.

 

[Jabberwocky]

Its all you can do man. At least then you wont have any regrets.

 

[JahSEEuS]

that seems a bit worrisome that the first fight would lead to this.

especially after telling you she wants you to move to LV.

Can you recall what the fight was about? Just you not getting enough attention?

 

[zephyr]

Shes got a kid so she wont be able to give you attention all the time and you will have to look after yourself .

She probably doesnt want fights and drama with a kid.

So its safer snd best she cuts you off to protect her kid.

Sorry man.

It was probably nothing but Id say thats what happened.

 

[Pretty_Diamonds]

If she's never been in a real relationship... or a good one.. then that will be a problem..

I don't know how you would suggest this.. but therapy might be good for her, especially to help her process her previous relationships and any current stress.

 

[pofacedhoe]

attention = doesn't want yet another child to look after

she wants support not drama

buy stuff and then being all hey pay me attention i just bought you stuff is a bit childish. and she is swamped with children and about to get another one she didn't even make but will have to look after then you presented yourself as a nother one and she was all AAAAHHHHHHHHHHHHHHHHHH abort abort.

give it time and let the dust settle and dont be demanding of attention its way more attractive to support your partners needs and to be able to entertain yourself if needs be at a given time though you dont want that 24/7

support and nurture VS attention and demands

her job involves having to humour demanding people a lot of the time also, dont allow her to be reminded of those behaviours within you. its a trigger point for sure

 

[Caine]

attention = doesn't want yet another child to look after

she wants support not drama

buy stuff and then being all hey pay me attention i just bought you stuff is a bit childish. and she is swamped with children and about to get another one she didn't even make but will have to look after then you presented yourself as a nother one and she was all AAAAHHHHHHHHHHHHHHHHHH abort abort.

give it time and let the dust settle and dont be demanding of attention its way more attractive to support your partners needs and to be able to entertain yourself if needs be at a given time though you dont want that 24/7

support and nurture VS attention and demands

her job involves having to humour demanding people a lot of the time also, dont allow her to be reminded of those behaviours within you. its a trigger point for sure

I see what you're saying. But I never expected me giving her anything meant she owed me attention. I admit I was being a sensitive bitch. She texted me 5 Dec & said she missed talking to me all the time & wanted ti date me again but take it slower. I think she realizes we were moving at warp speed.

 

[Caine]

that seems a bit worrisome that the first fight would lead to this.

especially after telling you she wants you to move to LV.

Can you recall what the fight was about? Just you not getting enough attention?

Not necessarily about attention per se, but I was feeling ignored. I should have kept my big mouth shut.

 

[Caine]

Shes got a kid so she wont be able to give you attention all the time and you will have to look after yourself .

She probably doesnt want fights and drama with a kid.

So its safer snd best she cuts you off to protect her kid.

Sorry man.

It was probably nothing but Id say thats what happened.

Her daughter & I really got along. It wasn't a yelling fight, but I see what you're saying. But like I said, her daughter was mad at her for me not being there the next day. So thats a positive sign. Also, she texted me 5 Dec and said she wanted to date me again, but take it slower. I've learned for the most part to keep my big mouth shut.

 

[Caine]

If she's never been in a real relationship... or a good one.. then that will be a problem..

I don't know how you would suggest this.. but therapy might be good for her, especially to help her process her previous relationships and any current stress.

I was hoping to be a great relationship for her. Her mother & sister both know me and were excited we hit it off because she has only had shitty relationships. I think suggesting therapy would be a HUGE risk. we are seeing each other again, and going slower, so I am not trying to overstep any bounds.

 

[pofacedhoe]

I see what you're saying. But I never expected me giving her anything meant she owed me attention. I admit I was being a sensitive bitch. She texted me 5 Dec & said she missed talking to me all the time & wanted ti date me again but take it slower. I think she realizes we were moving at warp speed.

sounds like the wayyy too fast was a big issue.

you do need to take time to get to know someone because its better to be past a honeymoon phase before you change where you live and your whole life.

initial buzz's wear off. that being said with the right person it can feel magical and if you want to move do it. there is no point having regrets when you are old but at the same time just dont rush this