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December Getting/Staying Clean/Sober Thread, v More Holidaze Ahead

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Hopefully it will be, I'm counting on it.
It's going to be my 3rd 'sobered' Christmas, so to speak.
 
Nice!

I’m really looking forward to some time off from school so I can go on a retreat and really soak into my practice. Going in retreat last year for New Years was so much fun and super super awesome compared to how I normally feel around the holidays. I might gi down to Deer Park and meditate with the Thich Nhat Hanh crowd. We’ll see.

In other news, why the hell did I buy a pack of “snus” this morning instead of vape juice? Seriously...
 
Erikmen said:
It used to be fun to get together for holidays, but some families simply can't stay together for too long. It's crazy how conflicting that is sometimes.
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Yeah it really is, my family is like a bunch of wolves. Always trying to use things against each other, like their children.
 
It’s very conflicting and confusing to be mad to those you love most. In my family there’s that cousin who wants to convince you his life style or else is best for you. I know a couple of uncle who competes hardly between themselves and at times the kids are involuntary involved.

There’s obviously those who divorced and want to make their ex partner’s life worse, and that list goes on and on.

There are beautiful moments too. Like when we sing together or hug each other. I feel proud that a part of my family is generous and warm, they are altruistic and don’t usually judge, but of course that if you have been through drugs and happen to be “clean” for a while I don’t find it hard to grasp why they won’t ever be sure if you are going to be the ‘bad guy’ again. Some say it’s all a matter of time but fortunately there are those who simply accept the way we are and have their arms opened in case something happens.
 
I truly wish my family was like that. They are all hateful and judging. I've never been good enough, until they're pissed off at someone else then I'm a pawn.
 
I think one of the reasons for some good moments is because we live far away from each other.
 
Erikmen said:
It’s very conflicting and confusing to be mad to those you love most. In my family there’s that cousin who wants to convince you his life style or else is best for you. I know a couple of uncle who competes hardly between themselves and at times the kids are involuntary involved.

There’s obviously those who divorced and want to make their ex partner’s life worse, and that list goes on and on.

There are beautiful moments too. Like when we sing together or hug each other. I feel proud that a part of my family is generous and warm, they are altruistic and don’t usually judge, but of course that if you have been through drugs and happen to be “clean” for a while I don’t find it hard to grasp why they won’t ever be sure if you are going to be the ‘bad guy’ again. Some say it’s all a matter of time but fortunately there are those who simply accept the way we are and have their arms opened in case something happens.
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Sometimes I feel kinda frustrated when family congratulates me on getting healthier and getting away from the heroin lifestyle. It just feels so disingenuous. Like, seriously? The drug use was nothing compared to coming to terms with the society and culture I live in. Iono I’m not expressing that quite right, but I was only able to come to terms with addiction thanks to learning to love myself. The recovery stuff feels more like it was just the result of starting to more consistently make healthier, more responsible and mature choices.
 
My favorite part is when they act like they know what you've been through. "Oh you mean you lived alone on the streets at 16." That's always bugged me. Don't act like you know how I'm feeling or why I did things
 
Right, that is more along the lines of what I posted. I mean, it is wonderful that they want to support and encourage my growth and all that, but when they focus just on me and are still very clearly involve with their own personal challenges it just makes me feel frustrated. Iono...

I guess now I just take that as them trying to communicate they’re impressed with who I am now, I just look forward to people not just focusing on the drug use stuff (that was the LEAST of my issues, although it might have become the most dramatic given our cutlure’s puritanical stance on drug use).
 
So I took a look around my room today waking up from the usual same ol' same ol' screaming fever dreams to this eternal pit of suffering I put myself in. Without even realizing it at first, I felt like I was home again. I'm about 60 days sober with one relapse. Meth really took me for a ride and made everything gray for such a long time. Nowhere felt safe, warm, comforting, or normal. It's like a clinical depression that only stems from your awful decision, which makes it hurt even worse.

I would take meth continually because everything in life lost it's meaning. I wasn't alive anymore, and nothing felt real. I was a zombie for such a long time even after I was forced to quit; I wanted to die every day. The funny thing is the self pity, the mood swings, the awful nails against the chalkboard dreams just finally got to be a routine. This morning I woke up, and I was used to it. I'm near 60 days sober now (One relapse, one trip, shh, relapse often plays a part in ones recovery), and colors are bright again, and I feel like I'm coming back to life.

It does come back guys, I do want to use again, and I probably will, but being sober isn't that bad when you got a good grip on it (we all know that in recovery it feels like you're holding on to a bucking bull). I don't want to die today, life just isn't that hard anymore.

Stay safe guys <3 happy holidays
 
^^ looks like the vid isint working (at least where I’m at :(

I actually really enjoy the holidays, I’m pretty close with my family. We usually get together for a couple days and play music/sing songs around the fire. We usually drink quite heavily though. I jumped off suboxone recently and am struggling at times day to day and I’ve been avoiding alcohol so far, worried that it might set me back. So the holidays should be bittersweet in the sense that I can be with my family and relax but gotta stay away from the booze, probably a good idea, yes? It’s going to be my first sober Christmas in over 10 years!
 
It was a pretty good album but that was the instrumental track. Sounded decent.

Likely it will be a good idea to avoid alcohol.
 
Today: Day 1 Kratom detox.

FINALLY! I have been looking forward to this for some time.

Gonna start my own recovery journal sometime later today I think. Want to document the process.

Now if only some fuck hadn't stollen my sleeping pills the other day... I'm not even sure I want to deal with getting it refilled early. I'm just going to try to go without I think, as I still have some trazadone after all.
 
Baron27 said:
^^ l
It’s going to be my first sober Christmas in over 10 years!
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You might be surprised at how it feels. I've frequently been the non-altered body in the room at family gatherings just because I don't like alcohol (the taste!). I've always enjoyed the observer aspect of it and it has taught me a lot about people I'm close to. Like, what do they act like when they feel they can let their guard down a little? Then you can encourage and give them permission to be like that in subtle ways when you are with them and they haven't been drinking (or stoned, or whatever); well, provided it isn't becoming an angry jerk! Your family sounds very fun. In my next life--if there is one--I hope I come back a musician!:)
 
toothpastedog said:
Today: Day 1 Kratom detox.

FINALLY! I have been looking forward to this for some time.

Gonna start my own recovery journal sometime later today I think. Want to document the process.

Now if only some fuck hadn't stollen my sleeping pills the other day... I'm not even sure I want to deal with getting it refilled early. I'm just going to try to go without I think, as I still have some trazadone after all.
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Good luck TPT! It's always uncomfortable to start over, no matter what you are stopping.

I quit smoking for years and now I'm trying to get away from the Nicotine again - I thought I was done with that.

Sorry to hear about your sleeping pills. I usually use Seroquel. It works and I sleep quite well despite of the drowsiness of the following day, that can be so annoying.
 
9months clean :) life feels worth living and I feel alive. awesome. so much creativity and slowly growing acceptance of my circumstances and me as a person.
still loads of cravings, but getting less intense. still a lot to learn and experience.
and I finally made some changes in my life like I wanted to, selling some stuff and getting a little more active
 
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