Southern California by way of Boston

[mineIadoreU]

(I want to thank you ahead of time for reading the words I chose in telling my "why." I know it's a little lengthy.)
I wish I could say that I have waited 15 years to stand beside all of you in order to gain enough knowledge to aptly assist anyone who seeks answers, without prejudice, to questions that sometimes carry the weight of life or death. But I can't. Fortunately unfortunately, I come for help and support. It's hard to tell my story without giving myself away to someone who already knows me or of me. Quick synopsis: I am 30 years old and currently a USAF servicemember. I became an opiate user at 15, but have always been an addict. I had stints of other DOC along the way but I was always led back into that familiar, loving and warm embrace. I have been drawn to my current fentanyl and speed addiction (IV only user). I was quite functioning, arguably still, until a little over a year ago when my husband, a newfound crystal meth user hanged himself literally hours before I could have talked him out of it the day I came back stateside from being gone for a month. My addictions have gotten worse, and I suffer from debilitating hallucinations, and nightmares, even on meds and psychotherapy. Everyday is a struggle to survive and everyday I lose more traction. Unbelievable financial hardship has fallen on me. I watch everything i have worked hard for and everything i have loved turn to a pile of ash and blown in my face, but i am paralyzed, helpless and hopeless to stop it even though I caused it. Nothing in my life has gone untouched and I have pushed every person away and then blame them for abandoning me while I still grieve and hurt, when I wish I could say while I heal. After years of seeing you guys support each other when all someone wants to know is if there is a difference between rubbing alcohol and isopropyl alcohol, there is no need to insult someone for not knowing, having the courage to ask and potentially save their own or someone else's life is admirable and intelligent, not trivial or unworldly. Kudos. Respect. The quickest way is to go through.

I'm all yours bluelighters.

Very respectfully,

The broken, the beaten, and the___________.

 

[CFC]

Hi there mineIadoreU, welcome to Bluelight

Your story is really sad, and all that you've been through sounds traumatising

Did you ever have any therapy or counselling after your husband's death? I'm sure many can sympathise with how an experience like that could drive you deeper into drugs and cause your world to fall apart.

I'm going to move your post over to The Dark Side as I think you may find that forum (and the other Recovery Support Forums) potentially very helpful at the moment. I'm hoping you find some relief talking to others here.

Take care,
CFC

 

[Mafioso]

Sounds like you have been through a lot. I'm glad you decided to share your story. Things can get better, don't lose hope.

Just for clarification I wanted to ask a couple questions, you say that you are still using fent and speed IV? Does your psychotherapist know about your drug use? Also, just curious about what meds you are currently taking.

It sounds like you could benefit from substance abuse treatment alongside treatment for trauma. The two tend to go hand in hand, one driving the other and amplifying each other. It is really hard to address one without addressing the other.

 

[mineIadoreU]

Yes. I've been subsequently diagnosed with chronic PTSD. And go to groups and counseling 5 times a week. I have like l*****this much*****l care that is divided among too many things and I need 100 percent of that to be on myself. But the service alone takes half. And it I take from one thing to compensate for another, the place I took from suffers dramatically and little to no benefit in the place I put. It's a frustrating cycle because I avoid alot and by avoiding I make myself sicker, and the sicker I get the more I avoid and its a vicious, exhausting cycle.

 

[mineIadoreU]

My therapist knows about the drug use, but it's hard to be completely forthright with it seeing the long term consequences I could suffer from full admittal vice waiting another few months until I'm no longer Uncle Sam's pet. But they have offers me 30 days inpatient rehab I may take. I'm currently in Paxil for anx/deo, and Minepress for the hallucinations and Xanax for panic attacks. The Minepress has helped slightly by reducing my adrenaline but when I'm regulating my alertness states with fent and speed it's a hard balance to achieve. I started the speed to counter the fentanyl catapulting me into nightmares and trance state hallucinations. I feel like I'm in Nightmare on Elm Street and I've become an insomniac. I hate the thought of sleep because I have terrible reoccurring nightmares.

 

[Mafioso]

I would think a 30 day inpatient might do you well. I spent 45 days at one after a month in jail. I had drug induced psychosis, was diagnosed with PTSD, and still have a lot of nightmares. Inpatient isn't a guaranteed fix, but having counselors around 24/7 might help out with the nightmares if you can't sleep. It helped me reach a point where I felt more capable of managing my emotions and habits, I was able to get control of my life finally.

I personally believe that those unresolved issues that are haunting you will never be resolved if you continue to abuse drugs in attempts to cope. You have to face your demons head on and although it may not seem like it, the drug abuse is making your demons bigger and stronger. Getting clean might also make your groups and counseling more productive if you are able to open up more and be more forthright.

My life isn't perfect and I still have a lot of work to do before I will feel content with where I'm at, but getting the drugs out of the way has simplified and uncluttered my life in big ways. I no longer feel like I need to constantly have pills on me in order to keep my emotions under control, and I no longer feel the urge to get loaded when I have uncomfortable emotions. I still feel sad, anxious, excited, nervous, etc. but I don't feel like I need to get high to cope with my emotions.

I hope the best for you, don't be afraid to reach out to others on this forum or in real life. You are not alone in your struggles and there are tons of people just like us.

 

[mineIadoreU]

Thank you Mafioso, your words are very encouraging, insightful, and perhaps what impacts me the most, hopeful. It's tough to find the exit when it's cloaked with the darkness from the depths of despair. I have always been fortunate to have psychological awareness. But it's hard to explain to someone who has never experienced it what it feels like to actually watch yourself destroy yourself and know you're doing it but are unable to do anything about it. What would be a choice for others seems like a predisposition for some and its very hard conveying that without assuming that you just don't care or that you're CHOOSING to do all those things like you have the same amount of will power as they do.

 

[Mafioso]

It really is madness. I've only been sober for about 6 months, but looking at my old behavior and ways of thinking, it feels like it's been a lot longer.

I still remember very clearly the despair and hopelessness that became routine for me. I was actually planning out ways to end my life and I believe I would have if I didn't have family who I knew cared. I really didn't care about myself but I didn't want to do something intentionally that would harm my family. To some degree, I actually enjoyed the self-destructive behavior and would push the limits of my sanity. Part of me didn't care to live past mid 30's, and was actually hoping I wouldn't see my 30th birthday.

I think I know exactly what you mean though. I don't think anyone intends on getting that bad, and looking back I don't know what I could have done differently once things started to get that bad. It's like you hurt so bad and the only way you know how to relieve the pain is by essentially hurting yourself more or causing more damage. When you become dependent on a substance physically and emotionally, it hurts to NOT use. In the moment, using again seems like the solution, even though you might know all too well what it will lead to once the high wears off. Anything to fight off the sickness, dull the emotions, and feel a little bit of pleasure- maybe even momentary happiness. It's a destructive cycle, and it feels like a hole your stuck in that you keep digging deeper.

Really, I hope you have the courage to reach out for help. The first step is often the hardest. Know that it's not just a matter of will-power, and that no one is stronger than addiction. Things can always get worse just like they can always get better.