help

[lost2086]

I think I need advice. I'm a teacher, started my opiate abuse about 10yrs ago when my mom would share her prescription with me. I've suffered from depression and anxiety most of my life and opiates seem to be the only thing that made me feel happy. Since my addiction started my mother has died and I'm incredibly lonely and the only thing that keeps me going is my next high. I know I need to stop but I don't feel like I have the strength to, and I feel like it's the only joy I have in my life anyway. I'm broke and work 2 jobs to afford the pills. Would I be a good canidate for subuxone? I'm worried about having anything on my perm. record. Right now I can't afford a pill for a few days and feel beyond lost and my anxiety is killing me. I've never posted before and no one in my life knows I have this addiction so I can't talk to them. I know I need help, I just don't know what to do. I seem to associate a lot of stuff with going to get high. Like just driving my car makes me think I want to be driving to get some. Has anyone else experienced this? Any tips to fight thru it?

 

[simco]

Hi, Lost. I'm sorry to hear how isolated you're feeling. But I'm so glad you posted!

Without knowing your full medical situation it's not possible to say for sure, but based on what you've described it sounds like you'd be a great candidate for suboxone. Have you looked into the availability of doctors/programs in your area who can prescribe it?

Your story is eerily similar to my own. I also started using when I was working as a teacher and taking care of my very ill mother. My mom also died recently (in January). It's a terrible set of circumstances.

In terms of tips, I'd advise you to think of your recovery very broadly. That is, quitting the pills is a big part of the process. But (as you noted), long-term opioid addiction is a deep problem that affects (and the stems from) many aspects of our lives. Moving on usually requires some pretty fundamental changes in how we think about and handle adversity in our lives and how we value and treat ourselves. For this reason, I encourage you to consider supplementing suboxone (if you go that route) with additional support. I was helped greatly by going into an intensive outpatient addiction recovery program offered by a local hospital. It wasn't the greatest program in the world, but it did help me to get a sense of what directions I needed to go in.

I also understand your hesitation about having addiction added to your medical record. There are a couple relevant points on this subject. (I'm assuming you live in the US...let me know if not)

First, if you were to get a suboxone prescription, that information is protected under HIPAA. Unless you get your subs from a doctor in the same clinic that you use for other medical issues, the fact that you're on subs won't be generally visible to your doctors.

But there is anexception to this which I didn't know about initially. Most US states maintain pharmacy record databases. This means that in theory, a doctor would be able to see that you had filled suboxone prescriptions. However, the doctors would have to look specifically for that.

When I found out about my state's pharmacy database I was really pissed at my suboxone provider because he had told me that the information was secret. Honestly, though, in the end I decided it wasn't a big deal for me...I've never had any doctor bring up my suboxone prescriptions.

These are just preliminary responses... I hope you'll use this forum to write more about how you're feeling, what you're struggling with, etc.

 

[lost2086]

Thank you so much for your response. I think I am going to try suboxone. I feel like my physical withdrawal symptoms aren't that bad, it's the mental crazing of just wanting to feel better for a little while. Then I get addicted to the ritual of getting the pills too. My biggest hurdle is the mental aspect. I also feel like I'm not sure I want to stop bc it's the only joy i have. But deep down I know i'm headed down a dark path, yet i am scared i am not strong enough to fight this. Especially after losing my mom last March, I have been using pills as a crutch. Will suboxone help with the mental cravings?

 

[ObieWan]

Yes they will, to a certain extent. However, the suboxone becomes the new ritual, whether it's a pill or a sublingual film. This habit is probably harder to kick than what you were taking before, as far as physical dependency.

I will give you my experience, the sub controlled 100% of the mental cravings. However, as far as shooting something into my veins, not so much. I began shooting this. You didn't do this so this shouldn't be a problem for you. I wish you all the luck in getting through this; I'm sure you can.

 

[ElleAZ]

Please, if you have insurance, consider going to the ER for a break from the w/d. I did that last week. I said that I had chest pain and it could be from the meds (all true)and they kept me overnight and stabilized me. I left with scripts and then it was easier to get help from my doctor.

 

[lost2086]

I feel like the truth is that I'm only stopping because I can't afford it. So deep down I still want to use. I'm very nervous to try to get suboxone but i feel like it could save mt life if it helped me not feel like i NEED a pill to get through the day. I hate the way I want it all the time.

 

[cj]

I think your a good candidate for suboxone or methodone. The main concern for suboxone is that it doesn't suppress cravings as well as methodone. The main downside of methodone is having to go to the clinic everyday at first to dose. But if you stay sober you can get to where you only go once a week within a year. Methodone saved me but I was an IV h user. I think starting with suboxone and see how it works would be a good idea. Whatever you do seeking help before shit really hits the fan is a good idea

 

[simco]

I agree with cj...suboxone' ability to control cravings is weaker than methadone's, for most people. But everyone's different, so I'd definitely give suboxone a chance; you'll know pretty quickly if it isn't going to cut it for you, and if it does work, it can really be great.

As for being on the fence about whether you want to quit, I think that comes with the territory in early recovery. In fact, I worry much more when I hear people swear up and down they're done for good...truth is, it's a big life change, giving up a long-held opioid habit. That was honestly the hardest part for me. Hell, it still is...I know at this point that heroin isn't worth the damage it does to my life, but I'd be lying if I said I don't struggle with that certainty often.

You don't have to commit to quitting forever. It's a cheesy line, but AA/NA is right with the whole one day at a time thing. Try not to worry about wheather you'll use in the future. All you need to worry about is getting yourself into a better position for today.

 

[Stargazer]

Hey Lost-

Im sharing your pain. Im looking to get on subs. My shenanigans w using dope is working on my sanity.

We're all different. Neither subs or methadone help my cravings. But subs stop my husband's cravings 100% And he's one of the most severe addicts I have ever seen.

You aren't alone in anything you're feeling or going through. We're here for you. Welcome to BL.

 

[lost2086]

I'm prescribed xanax, is there a different benzo that would be more helpful during withdrawals?

 

[simco]

I'm prescribed xanax, is there a different benzo that would be more helpful during withdrawals?

If it's possible to acquire, a longer-acting medication will probably help more than xanax during WD. Xanax (alprazolam) is one of the fastest/shortest-acting of the benzos, so most any other benzo is a good bet. Diazepam is among the longest-acting benzos, and it would be a good choice. Clonazepam is somewhere in the middle. But it's also the case that if alprazolam is what you've got on hand, it can work fine.

 

[lost2086]

Right now I'm on day 1 without opaites and I'm already struggling. Not so much with the physical, just the mental crazing of wanting to feel better for a little while. This is so tough. I took some xanax but it's not really doing anything.

 

[lost2086]

How do I get passed the "i need a pill to do this"? Like I have things i need to get done after work and my brain tells me that I need a pill to accomplish anything. I also associate driving with driving to get a pill. I know the anwswer is probably you jsut have to fight through it, but it's very difficult

 

[jdfisse]

If you have ever walked in to a 12-step meeting (especially NA) you may have encountered the phrase "Jails, Institutions, and Death". Those are commonly referred to as the bitter ends for people who deal with addiction. There is a 4th bitter end that gets short shrift because most people don't get involved enough in 12-step fellowships to actually read deeper in to the literature. That bitter end is where most addicts end up; DERELICTION. Dereliction is the shameful failure to fulfill one's obligations or duties. Even when I had ceased the chemical altering of my perception of reality I was still a derelict. I had been living a ritualistic life for a very long time and had been shamefully failing to fulfill my obligations or duties. I had a living problem that was masked by an outwardly obvious drug problem. The process of dealing with my living problem is a much slower and requires perseverance (continued action even when the results may be delayed or not meet my expectations).

I lived much of my life a slave to perception. Today I allow myself enough distance from the pain to gain PERSPECTIVE. Perception is how I view a situation when I am stuck in the middle of it or shortly after the situation has transpired. Perspective is how I view the situation with some distance from it. Every painful experience I have endured has tremendous value once I have distance from the pain. I didn't get any freedom until I began dealing with the living problems that the drugs were masking. That takes rigorous work...but who got time for that!?

 

[simco]

How do I get passed the "i need a pill to do this"? Like I have things i need to get done after work and my brain tells me that I need a pill to accomplish anything. I also associate driving with driving to get a pill. I know the anwswer is probably you jsut have to fight through it, but it's very difficult

Yes, it *is* really difficult. But it's also doable.

My main advice is to try to be as patient as you can be with yourself. The kinds of feelings you're describing take a long time to get created, so try not to blame yourself if they take some time to dismantle, too.

More pragmatically, in the early stages of recovery, I think it's best to work at redirecting your thinking to other issues. Whenever I feel like I can't make it through the day without some drug or behavior, I simply try to distract myself and get to thinking about other topics. It sounds like running away from our problems, but I don't see it that way...you're training your mind not to fixate on this learned habit. Basically, in early recovery I simply tried to stay out of my own head as much as possible.

It will get easier/better over time.

 

[Tubbs]

very good advice simco. getting lost up in your own head in my experience is one of the worst things for recovery. opiates are a difficult thing to defeat, but as im sure everyone will agree it is worth the fight to be in control of your own life again, not to have that addiction lording over all of your thoughts.

 

[lost2086]

Well I didn't make it through day 1. I lasted until about 4pm and then made the phone call. Im so disappointed in myself.

 

[lost2086]

i hate that I have no one to talk to. no one knows i'm going through this

 

[tired of crap]

Hey lost, sorry to hear youre feeling so isolated today. I can relate, I find posting here (i use my thread here in Sober Living as a journal these days) really helps as people are quite supportive and understanding. Some difficult days I post multiple times, I encourage you to do the same if you find it helps.

Try not to berate yourself too much for not making it through day 1. Try to view it as a learning experience. We established these habits over years, usually, and it will definitely take some time to re-establish new healthy habits.

Do you have any plans to help deal with cravings as they pop up? I find time spent outdoors, exercise, hobbies and meditation to be crucial to my recovery.

While they all have there place I find meditation very useful for when cravings roll around. I am slowly integrating RAIN (recognition, acceptance, investigation and non-identification) into not only my recovery but my day to day life as well. If youre not familiar with this subject I believe there is a sticky at the top of this forum page... And dont feel like you need to go out somewhere to practice/learn these techniques, well Im sure itll be helpful Im only able to practice at home.. and i still find it an incredibly useful tool.

Anyways.... All the best in your journey.
And know that youre not alone
Much love

 

[oldhippytony]

... Would I be a good candidate for suboxone? ... Has anyone else experienced this [associating "stuff" with using drug]? Any tips to fight thru it?

Yes. Ideal candidate. Make an appointment with buprenorphine (subox) doctor today. After all, you can always cancel it. Don't let stories about problems detoxifying from bupe stop you from just making an appointment. Keep it (your thinking) in today. Make the appointment. In the interim (between your call and your appointment), learn all you can about bupe, including potential for some physicians to prescribe far more than is necessary. Suboxone when used at correct dosage has eliminated my cravings entirely without the opiate high (which I love). There was a time when smells alone (musty smell = abandoned buildings where I used drugs) would trigger cravings. I know today that cravings alone won't kill me nor will they drive me to work 2 jobs. I too am a "professional," and never has my addiction diagnosis been an issue. I'm currently taking .25 mg suboxone daily and my life has never been better. Finally, I'm convinced I can continue to winnow my dose down and be entirely drug free with little if any discomfort. That is my goal: to once again be entirely drug free.

Make the call for an appointment today. Keep us in the loop. Some of us believe it is helpful ... to help you ... believe it or not. Don't deny us the opportunity.