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Who do ya think you're foolin'?...Hi, I'm on an Amphetamine relapse.

Edna Hole

Edna Hole

Greenlighter
Joined
Nov 27, 2015
Messages
16
Hello fellow sufferers and survivors here on Bluelight,
before i begin can i say what a helpful platform BL is for me and i guess 1000's of other users who just use the site for reference and don't become members.
As I've given away in my intro I fooled myself into thinking i could just dip my toes back into my old speed addiction-you know-because after pretty much 5 years years clean i new the score and could just try a little gram as a one off.
Well after over the last maybe two months I've been binging again. I found my way onto the dark web, curious about certain markets which the Guardian unwittingly almost gave a users guide too in an article....If I'm honest I can say from that point I was looking too use.
I used cocaine again a few times, but honestly always found speed far more user friendly, and cheaper. So I got some speed but a far more generous measure than ordered, thus began my downward spiral (nine inch nails yeh!) days awake, thinking but not doing, scratching at spots or blemishes on my face and body, within days looking like the panda eyed, spotty chinned 'addict' of years ago :(
Now I'm 45, I fight a winning battle with alcohol which began in my late teens (3bottles of wine nightly) and i can say I drink very little and can handle social drinking like never before..great news on that point.
During my five years away from speed i got myself a benzo addiction..yep..I'm that kinda guy! so imagine how pleased my family where with the new, zoned out version of me?
I did Benzos for a couple of years and was lucky my GP helped me with a looong taper, can't even recall what daily dose i was using but it was near 40mg a day, but now I'm prescribed 6mg daily for anxiety which i mostly stick too, i find i can take or leave em now. So more good work there.
Yet no matter how good a place i get myself into I always manage to sabotage myself...I feel more embarrassed for dumping yet another needless, stupid hurdle in my way and feel my family, who must be rolling their eyes in sheer dismay, almost resigned to my selfish behaviour.
As you can guess I'm not great boyfriend material, was engaged for a while but it was never gonna work whatever, but being put on a psych ward for my drink problem at one point whilst with her would make any girl think. So I'm living with my parents again. Dumped most of my old friends from my past cos they use stuff. Now I live a solitary life...in my bedroom, full cable, a hard drive full of music, internet, playstation and loads of musical equipment which I only touch when I'm on a speed binge strangely...and most importantly my always wonderful parents who have been fantastic...but can that love be pushed too far now? I pray not because I'm going to stop after this bag. It's not serving my needs...haha, i just wonder how many users have finished a post exactly like this?..after this bag/pill I'm quitting!!
But honestly nobody deserves this.....can i get a hell yeh!! from the bluelight crowd??
BTW, I can listen and sympathise as well as talk about myself, so if needed i'll try my best. Thanks. :D
 
Ah, replied to you in another thread, didn't see your intro here :) Well hey, I know just what it feels like to get your head stuck in a hole with drugs ;)

I think you'll find many of us have been in your shoes at some point. For me, speed or meth are also difficult to just have a bit of - it becomes a binge, and it goes on for weeks. Eventually I get fed up of it though and stop. But a lot of people can't get off the train at that point and it spirals. I was determined to never get myself involved in DNM because restricting access is one of my tools to limit use. Once I've destroyed phone numbers and contact details, I'm in an enforced drought for a while - it gives me that extra bit of willpower since it would take more effort to find a new source. But DNM would really make that impossible to do anymore.

On the plus, it does look like you're able to pull yourself back from the brink, since you've done it several times in the past with other drugs. So maybe it won't be so hard to stop. Throwing the shit down the drain often helps though ;)

Anyway, I reckon you should start posting around the forums. We've got Sober Living if you're trying to get away from the stuff, or Drug Culture if you just want to chat about your experiences.

Take care mate,
CFC
 
Welcome to the forum. Stimulants and me have a rocky relationship. I don't rely on them daily like opioids or benzos. I don't use them to explore my inner self like the countless psychs I've tried. Stimulants are for one thing only....once every 3 or 4 month binges for sexual arousal. I can not stop using a stimulant until the binge is over. If I have a gram of a particular substance then a gram gets donw. It is best not to have a lot of them around as they can be destructive to my work life and all other aspects of daily living.
 
Hey third eye, thanks for the welcome,
I know what you mean about sexual arousal!, but on this relapse I just seem to zone out, not on my PS4, or having sex/wanking for hours (depending on my situation!) messing about with my synths/guitar or painting like I did in my previous heavy use. But like you said whatever I have I use. Got some xanax delivered to help me keep my head and eyes from spiking and convincing myself there are slug trails on the rug like i did 2 weeks ago! I am still adamant about this being my last time. I've had three long term jobs, each of which i've lost through drug/booze abuse, losing friends and there respect all along the way. I know these roads well now and they are dark and lonely,
Thanks for the welcome Third eye mate.
 
Hiya CFC, as you say access restriction was a tool I employed, cutting out negative friends for one. but DN markets proved to tempting. Can't quite bring myself to dump my amp tho! I bought some xanax too help level me out, maybe get some sleep.
Thanks for the positive words and the links as well Buddy. can surely only help,
Edna Hole
 
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