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Mental Health Think I might be bipolar

I’m not a mental health professional but when it comes to the intrusive thoughts you describe here (& elsewhere, I forgot I had related to similar symptoms on an earlier thread, hi again ;)) I think this is probably anxiety which might also explain why you can go from feeling absolutely horrible to ok in a short amount of time. Of course, like me, you could have multiple things going on. I was suicidal but looking back these thoughts were their own thing. (I couldn’t do anything without imagining harming myself... walk along busy road and I’d imagine walking into traffic, open a can of soup and I’d see myself slitting my wrist with lid, obsessive planning of suicide and so on and on and on).

(Idk why the font is so big [edit: now it’s small, oh, bother] below but I’m on a tablet and everything is wonky right now so, please excuse me!)

Sorry you’re going through this whatever root causes are, it’s uncomfortable and unfair and I hope you get proper relief soon. Gabapentin was really helpful for my anxiety (I think you mentioned it earlier), I never did well on any antidepressant they often made things worse. Rooting for you.

Comedian Maria Bamford has this...

BAMFORD: Oh, yes. Oh, yes of course. Yes, no, those are mine. I - when I was about 9 years old, I stopped being able to sleep at night ‘cause I had fear that I was going to kill my parents, you know, act out violently in some sort of taboo way. And it's even hard for me to say now, act out sexually, towards something, somebody and so wanted to isolate so that I would not be around people at all and would stay up all night making sure that I just wouldn't fall asleep and somehow lose control.


Just to explain, that is a type of obsessive-compulsive disorder. What it is, it's the equivalent of, you know, washing your hands, thinking that you're going to be dirty or that you're somehow dirty, but it's with thoughts. So as soon as you try to not think of the thought, the thought pops up again so – ‘cause most of us have weird thoughts floating through our heads every once in a while.
https://www.npr.org/2016/05/27/479593625/comedian-maria-bamford-finds-humor-in-uncomfortable-topics

 
^ Maria Bamford is great. Check out her Netflix show Lady Dynamite. She has bipolar 2 disorder. I'm glad she's married and finally found someone who loves her for who she is.
 
cj said:
Nah I'm a guy. That sounds rough though.

Update. I couldn't tolerate celexa at 20mg. I stopped it after 2 weeks. I couldn't sleep and had been awake for 72 hours when I stopped. I was having trouble swallowing my stomach was upset constantly. Most of all I felt I was coming unraveled. I was having these thoughts of slitting my own throat that I just couldn't stop thinking about. Every few minutes I would think what if I slit my throat now? What would I do it with? What would the blood look like? Just crazy shit. I don't know. So yeah my last dose was 72 hours ago I'm starting to feel more normal. I'm not depressed right now in fact I feel happy. This experience makes me consider bi polar even further. I'm going to wait it out and see if I cycle back to depressed and see how long it takes. Nothing in my life has changed to cause these shifts.
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That's anxiety and depression, not being bipolar, manic, or hypomanic.

I have met and known people who are bipolar/manic and when they get mania or in a manic state it's as though they are almost on a lot of meth and have not slept for weeks as they make no sense at all, have no concept of reality or how things are, sometimes get paranoid, do not sleep for days and are not on any stimulants or illegal drugs, and often times the person who is manic does not even know this is happening to them and requires medication or needs medicinal help.

I have also met people who are bipolar type II, or who get hypomanic and they go without sleep for a lot longer than 72 hours, do not eat for days, do not live in reality when they are hypomanic, and some even see or experience delusions that are not there or real.

Tell your parents and your doctor about the suicidal thoughts you were having, and how you stopped the medication. I thought you were on 100mg of zoloft? Do you still take that?

DO NOT try to diagnose yourself. Let a therapist or medical doctor do this.
 
Thanks for the kind words everyone. The depression is coming back which is kind of nice. It's much more familiar then whatever the hell else I was feeling. Shifting back so quickly is confusing but I guess makes bipolar less likely. There's so much conflicting info out there about bipolar and symptoms are subjective ime.

My head's a wreck right now. Iike I feel both stressed and bored at the same time. I need to get my head straight. I'm heavily considering getting back on benzos for a week or two to try and stabilize.
 
Benzos do seem to make you more clear-headed, like things make sense again. That's why I've been telling my psychiatrist to keep me on klonopin, even though she wants all patients off of it. I've been good about not purchasing RC benzos anymore. Life is boring without them and the month goes by slowly, but at least I'm not blacking out for days at a time.
 
CoastTwoCoast said:
Benzos do seem to make you more clear-headed, like things make sense again. That's why I've been telling my psychiatrist to keep me on klonopin, even though she wants all patients off of it. I've been good about not purchasing RC benzos anymore. Life is boring without them and the month goes by slowly, but at least I'm not blacking out for days at a time.
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Yeah they do make things seem to make more sense. Methodone was doing that for a little while but it's lost pretty much all effect once I got takehomes and was able to double dose some days.
 
cj said:
Thanks for the kind words everyone. The depression is coming back which is kind of nice. It's much more familiar then whatever the hell else I was feeling. Shifting back so quickly is confusing but I guess makes bipolar less likely. There's so much conflicting info out there about bipolar and symptoms are subjective ime.

My head's a wreck right now. Iike I feel both stressed and bored at the same time. I need to get my head straight. I'm heavily considering getting back on benzos for a week or two to try and stabilize.
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CJ, please talk to your parents, psychologist, psychiatrist/medical doctor about all of this. Be honest about how you are feeling, and what you are going through. Good luck.
 
Yeah and stay away from benzos if you know it'll make you crave more. It's a slippery slope. Gabapentin could be your best bet since it worked before.
 
Also please do not go back on benzos or if you are thinking about it, talk to your medical doctor, psychologist/psychiatrist, and talk to your parents.

Just because you have a craving for a drug, it does not mean that you have to indulge in taking that drug.
 
I got a phychiatrist appointment today. I mean at some point I need some relief. So far these professionals have done little more then talk a good game and take my money. I am not making unreasonable requests either. I told them remeron and gabapentin worked well before yet I can't try either for some unknown reason. Celexa was a disaster. My arm is absolutely mutilated from the razor blades I've been using to try and control my anxiety. I just don't know what to do or tell them and they seem unable or unwilling to acknowledge the severity of my symptoms. They seem to think if your not actively delusional and haven't killed yourself yet that you must be a-ok. I don't know.

My symptoms are becoming physically hard to manage. I feel like someone is ripping my guts out piece by piece. I've tried so hard to stay sober but at some point it just don't make sense to keep torturing myself. I'm giving it one more chance if these people end up being useless I'm going to refocus my resources on treating myself outside the medical establishment. Neither gabapentin nor remeron are abusable nor sought after it shouldnt be so difficult to have them prescribed.

As far as my parents go they are clueless about mental health. They think that all my problems should have disappeared with the drugs. They will be very angry if I end up inpatient again because of the cost which they insist on paying despite there being no legal obligation for them too. It also increases the stress of the situation
 
It worked out ok I guess. I talked her into remeron but she is insisting I stay on celexa even though I hate the way it makes me feel. Half the interview was wasted talking about my past drug use. I showed her how cut up my arm was but apparently that's no big deal as long as I promise I won't kill myself. I mean do seriously suicidal people really tell on themselves so easily? I mean that would kind of defeat the purpose wouldn't it? Whatever I mean I probably need impatient but I damn sure can't afford it financially and my parents would be mad. Hell they are mad that I am even considering antidepressants. Little do they know.

It's depressing how little help there is available in this country if your not rich. I don't know what I will ultimately do but I am not overly hopeful at the moment
 
cj said:
I got a phychiatrist appointment today. I mean at some point I need some relief. So far these professionals have done little more then talk a good game and take my money. I am not making unreasonable requests either. I told them remeron and gabapentin worked well before yet I can't try either for some unknown reason. Celexa was a disaster. My arm is absolutely mutilated from the razor blades I've been using to try and control my anxiety. I just don't know what to do or tell them and they seem unable or unwilling to acknowledge the severity of my symptoms. They seem to think if your not actively delusional and haven't killed yourself yet that you must be a-ok. I don't know.

My symptoms are becoming physically hard to manage. I feel like someone is ripping my guts out piece by piece. I've tried so hard to stay sober but at some point it just don't make sense to keep torturing myself. I'm giving it one more chance if these people end up being useless I'm going to refocus my resources on treating myself outside the medical establishment. Neither gabapentin nor remeron are abusable nor sought after it shouldnt be so difficult to have them prescribed.

As far as my parents go they are clueless about mental health. They think that all my problems should have disappeared with the drugs. They will be very angry if I end up inpatient again because of the cost which they insist on paying despite there being no legal obligation for them too. It also increases the stress of the situation
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cj said:
It worked out ok I guess. I talked her into remeron but she is insisting I stay on celexa even though I hate the way it makes me feel. Half the interview was wasted talking about my past drug use. I showed her how cut up my arm was but apparently that's no big deal as long as I promise I won't kill myself. I mean do seriously suicidal people really tell on themselves so easily? I mean that would kind of defeat the purpose wouldn't it? Whatever I mean I probably need impatient but I damn sure can't afford it financially and my parents would be mad. Hell they are mad that I am even considering antidepressants. Little do they know.

It's depressing how little help there is available in this country if your not rich. I don't know what I will ultimately do but I am not overly hopeful at the moment
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CJ please stop cutting yourself. Give the medications that the doctors who are trained professionals and who know what they are doing when they prescribe the medications, time for them to work. The medications you are taking do not work overnight and then you're fine you have to take them daily for about 2-3 weeks before they start to work.

Do talk to your parents and the therapists/psychiatrists about all of what you wrote here, and how you are worried you are suicidal or how you think about this stuff. If it's really bad check into a hospital or someplace with medical professionals who can watch you.

Therapy is not about curing the things that ail you, they are about managing the things that ail you. Medical doctors cure people or don't. Therapists use a wealth of knowledge to help people find coping mechanisms, alter ingrained behavior, and provide stability, accountability, and comfort.

If a therapist tells you that they will "cure" you of your commitment issues, run. If they tell you they can help you with your commitment issues as long as you are willing to accept that help, then you've found a good therapist.

Therapists can't reach into your limbic system, prefrontal cortex, or any other part of your brain and rearrange the chemicals that cause you to feel the things you feel. Instead, therapists can help you to understand why you feel the things you feel, give you an array of tools to catch those feelings, mitigate those feelings, and make the best choices in spite of them.

Like with all things, you have to play along. You have to be honest, open, do the homework they assign you, actually put in some effort. Nothing worth having is easy, but peace of mind is definitely something worth having.

Therapy does work but you have to be honest with your therapist, don't expect results overnight, you have to want to change and become a better person, and a good therapist will not talk about themselves or their other clients, and you have to work on your own issues with your therapist.

When you have a good therapist and the right attitude, yes, it works. You need to be frank about your problems, though. There's no use in going if you’re withholding relevant info, whitewashing your real problems or just not being honest. You need to do the hard work of examining yourself and opening up to another person. It’s hard and not easy, but you need to face your problems before you can fix them.
 
If anything I think I'm too honest. It scares people. Truthfully I am honest in therapy. I have been taking there pills. I have been staying sober. That's the frustrating part I'm doing what "I'm supposed" to do to get better. But all I get is pushback. I cost my family too much money because I need therapy and doctors appointments. I'm supposed to be fixed now that I'm sober. That's all I heard when I used if you get sober things will be great blah blah. Well I'm sober and things are shit. I tried to explain how bad I feel but let's be honest words are easy to ignore. Bloody cut up arms I thought would be harder to ignore but apparently I'm wrong because I'm still being ignored. Yeah maybe I am a drama queen bitch fucking sue me. I don't know why I am even writing this. I'm so fucked it's not even funny. Whatever take homes tommorow good double dose day.

Well eventually I'm going to run out of real estate to cut on so I will have to stop or at least take a break.
 
Very sorry to hear that cj. Having no support from family makes things very hard
 
I am the same way, in regards to temper. I also have Bipolar 2, diagnosed at 15 and didnt believe it until the age of 27.

To cj, in regards to Bipolar it does mimic a lot of things, and things mimic it. It really should be diagnosed by a professional, but i also still believe that sometimes when you read something it feels like everything just *clicks*.

For me i can cycle through every different mood in a day it seems. I can wake up hypomanic, feeling literally euphoric and high on life, like I can literally do anything. I drive faster and more dangerously, i get cocky, but I do also get paranoid (i feel like shadow people are watching me). I go on a lot of spending sprees when Im manic as well. That can go on for 1hour, 2 hours, even just 20 minutes..and then BAM its like im "crashing after a binge sort of" and Im completely fatigued, like literally sick feeling, tired, I need to lay down, everything i do is wrong, I hate myself, Im a horrible person, etc. Etc.
My doctors and I discovered that the only triggers that we can find are my thoughts. I over analyze and think to much, they tell me that my mood swings go where my thoughts go.

It was hard to pin point though, because "were my moods changing simply because my chemicals were changing?" But no, its definitely a thought process thing.

I can truly say that Bipolar can be different for everyone, in every way. I feel like it is often misdiagnosed because of this, and the fact that it mimics other things. There is no full cookie-cutter guide to this stuff. Its trial and error. The only thing you can do is get the diagnosis.

I know what you mean though...to get the diagnosis and think "now i know what it is, i can work on it, and hopefully grow". Its kind of like feeling relief.

Much love ?
 
This thread is a little old, but I'd like to add to it anyway.

I was diagnosed with bipolar disorder 25 years ago. That diagnosis has maintained. Most of us have a Hollywood interpretation of what hypomania or mania is. Sometimes that Hollywood thing is true; many times, it isn't.

Having mania doesn't always mean not sleeping for days at a time. Sometimes it means that your sleep is screwed up...as in, you can't sleep for more than a few hours at a time (broken-up sleep). Or you've been going to bed at 10 p.m. for 2 years and all of a sudden you're staying up until 2 a.m. and sleeping in late.

Mania isn't always "happy". Sometimes it is, sometimes it's a mixed-state situation, and sometimes it takes the form of a severe, ruminating, relentless anxiety...like, you're going crazy with anxiety. That's a "dysphoric mania." It's hell on earth.

Irritability/anger/rage that doesn't let up until medicated is typical of bipolar disorder.

For me, I feel a very specific kind of ecstasy ( bright colors, music playing in my head that is...well, I can just play a whole album in my head, note for note, word for word, VERY quick to go into a rage, but it feels so justifiable) all of the time except when I slam into a depression. Then it all goes dark. It's a physical thing, the depression, like the "blue flu".

Cutting is...not traditionally an aspect of bipolar. Cutting is usually...there's something else going on when we self-harm.

So. Just want to share some thoughts and experience. -SR
 
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