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Recovery Trying to quit, could use some advice and support

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FresnoSun

Bluelighter
Joined
Nov 16, 2017
Messages
35
I’ve been a lurker for a long time and decided to finally register

I’ve been using opiates for a while now, the past 4 years it’s been pretty much everyday. I’ve tapered a few times and gone 7 days without anything but always end up going back.

Up until about 4 yers ago I could take them for my migraines and other medical problems without abusing them but alot of bad stuff has been happening in my life and I started using them to cope.

One of my problems is I always have access to them so it’s hard to stay strong especially with everything I’ve been going through and nobody knows I have this problem.

I’ve told myself I want to quit before but it hasn’t worked so I hope this can be another step to help me because before if I went back nobody even knew I tried quitting so I was just letting myself down.

I take care of my elderly mother who has been using opiates most of my life, the last few years she has been having a lot of health issues physically and emotionally and I’m the only one to care for her because the rest of my family doesn’t get along with her because of her opiate abuse and what’s it’s done to me growing up. The last few years I’ve had to dedicate just about all my time to her so I don’t really have a social life anymore and I think that’s one of my reasons for using.
She gets pain meds too and I have to be in charge of hers so it’s always on my mind and she always tells me I should take some of mine.
I don’t think it would be as hard if it was just me because I could get rid of mine or put them somewhere and try not to think about them but everyday all day I’m reminded about them when I have to give her pills.

I can’t really let anybody know because I think it would destroy what’s left of our family relationship and I can’t go on like this.

Sorry about the long post, I could probably go on and on about how my life got to this point.

*edit
Forgot to mention but today is my 3rd day not using anything, I think the physical symptoms aren’t too bad because I did manage to taper before I jumped but the cravings are terrible it’s all I can think about.
I’ve been having a lot of depression even before I started trying to quit and it’s been a lot worse since, I’ve also some anxiety since stopping especially in the mornings when I usually take my first dose.
 
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Fresno, you say you don't have much of a social life, which makes sense considering your situation. Have you considered getting involved in some kind of support group to get support for yourself and make some friends? (Like AA or NA or one of the secular alternatives. They're free, at least!) The life you're living isn't healthy, whether you keep using or not. Have you considered trying to get some respite care for your mother? A lot of cities have organizations to spell people who are full-time caregivers so they can get away for a while and do something different for a few hours at least. You can check online through AARP, or look in your phone book under 'senior services.' You wouldn't have to even mention the opiate issue--this is something almost all full-time caregivers need, just to keep their sanity. Maybe if you could get someone to come in even a few hours a week, you could join a gym or take a yoga class--anything to give yourself some positive energy.

It's very difficult to try to do something positive for yourself when you have nobody to share the journey with. If you can't get away in the F2F world, there are plenty of online places to get support, like this forum. Have you considered going on methadone or Suboxone maintenance, rather than whatever drug you're using? It doesn't sound like that would make much difference, but it really does. I had a constant supply of Oxy's and Tramadols when I just got tired of the rat race and found a doctor who prescribed Suboxone. It was so much better not to have to worry about the chase, and I found out after trying it a couple of times that the Sub really did keep the other drugs from getting me high. And I didn't have to worry about tolerance or running out of pills. Plus I could have pills around without them talking to me. I'm just throwing out ideas here--if anything sounds helpful, feel free to give it a try, and if not, leave it behind. Hope to hear more about how you're doing...
 
Thank you for your post loplover

I do have a nephew who is my best friend and when I have enough energy maybe I can try to get away for a short time and do something together.
Im very disappointed that I’ve done this to myself, when I was younger I never imagined that I would ever abuse meds especially after growing up with a mother who did. I remember all the anger I had about it when I was younger. I can’t bring myself to tell anybody because I’ve seen all the anger the rest of my family has had about my mothers use and can’t bear to think of them thinking of me like that, they don’t have anything to do with her now that’s why it’s all been on me.

I think I forgot to mention but mostly I was using hydros, oxys, and meperidine all just taken orally.

My mind keeps trying to make excuses to use, I keep thinking just one for my back or something won’t set me back but once it hits me I just want more but at the same time hate myself for doing it. I keep thinking about the couple times I’ve managed to taper off and stay off for a week and how if I just stuck with it I would feel better now

I hope that maybe posting here will help me stick with it this time because before nobody knew I was trying to stop so nobody knew I relapsed.
 
It sounds like both the pain of the past and the pain of the present are colliding in your life right now. That is a lot to deal with. Taking care of an elderly parent is so stressful, even when the relationship was great when you were a child. Being the child of an addict has its own heavy baggage and now you are filling more bags with guilt of your own. You've got to put those bags down and give yourself a break. <3 I hope it does not offend you when I say that maybe there is a silver lining in this: maybe seeing how hard the struggle is to get out from under a habit will allow you to forgive your mom for some of your childhood pain. This does not mean you have to deny the damage that was inflicted on you when you had no choice; it just means that now you understand that what you and your extended family saw as a choice for your mom did not feel like a choice for her.

Is there any possibility that you could not live with your mom but still take care of here or does she need 24 hour care?

Try not to be disappointed in yourself or think thoughts that contribute to guilt and shame. We all stumble through life, just in different ways. It sounds to me like you have many strengths, not the least of which is compassion. Use some of that on yourself! You really do need to find a way to get out at least once a day for something that will make you feel good about yourself and your life. This will go a long way towards building up your strength.
 
Thank you herbavore

I do feel bad about some of the anger I used to have over her use because now I understand how hard it is, it easy looking at it from the outside and thinking it just a choice and that you can just stop whenever you want.
Living somewhere else would probably really help but it’s not really an option because she can’t it make it on her own, she takes a lot of meds and even with times written on the bottles she forgets to take them if I don’t give them to her and with her health the way it is I need to be here.

I’ve noticed that the mornings are the hardest for me, I have no energy and have trouble getting out of bed and I’m used to taking my first dose early in the morning to start my day.
It’s kind of crazy how it becomes a ritual, take it in the morning to deal with the day ahead it’s almost automatic.
Its always been in the morning when I’ve relapsed, usually if I can make it the evenings aren’t as bad.

Ive made it 3 days but haven’t had anything too bad happen since then but I’m afraid of what will happen when I have to deal with something very stressful
 
Sorry for all the posts but I’m trying to keep my mind busy and this is the first time I’ve told anybody what I’ve been going through.

I always used to think I had a lot of willpower and at the beginning wasn’t worried because I always told myself I could stop before it became a problem.
My mother has started having some mental problems, I’m not sure if her use has made it worse than it would have been but it makes everything harder and kind of made me afraid of what will happen to me if I don’t stop before it’s too late.

I have tried small amounts of marijuana at night to help sleep and it has helped while tapering and the past few days until last night, I was up tossing and turning all night and felt worse than usual this morning.

It feels like I could deal with things better if I didn’t have the urge to use all the time, but it’s always on my mind. It’s like no matter what I’m doing or thinking about I’m always thinking about the pills. That’s another one of the reasons I decided I wanted to stop, I need to be a better person for the few people I have left, they deserve my full attention not what’s left of me after the pills.
 
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Fresno, it sounds like you are dealing with a LOT. Especially if your mother has begun having mental problems. It may or may not have anything to do with her using; it seems that when we hit a certain age, either our bodies or our minds begin to slip. I'm in my 60's, and have been sober mostly for the last 20 years or so--not continuously, as I've had many relapses and some longer periods where my struggle was a lot like you describe. Wanting to stay away from pills but knowing that when I went home at night I was probably going to take something, to get to sleep, if nothing else. I don't know if getting any benzoes or Ambien is an option for you. I know that when I'm trying to stay or get clean from opiates if I can sleep some it makes all the difference in the world. You might come up with a new part of your ritual to do when you would ordinarily take your first dose--take a walk or do a short yoga or meditation practice. I keep saying that I'm going to take a walk first thing and I hardly ever do. But it remains a goal for me, and one of these days I'll get out the door before the computer grabs me! =D
 
I'm so sorry. It seems as though you have had this devil at your door for a very long time.

This weekend, my husband is flying across country to attend the funeral of his best friend. Rich was raised by junkies and really fought to have a good life. He had two children. He had his own business. He lost it all to drugs. But not all at once. He went through jail and rehab a few times. He became a leader in AA. He was someone who would give the last of what he had to a person in need. When he came to our home last year, his phone kept ringing from all the friends he had in AA. So how did his lose everything? Why didn't he wake up?

Drugs destroyed his heart. He leaves behind his kids and his elderly parents, whom he was caring for. See, his parents used to deal drugs and his childhood was a nightmare. It's only been recently that they reconciled and now they are separated. His mom has cancer. Your story reminds me of him.

My husband said that he wanted to grow old with Rich and that 50 isn't it. Now we are grieving and aching and crying and have lost someone beautiful.

This shit that you are trying to leave behind doesn't love you. But this world has a place for you once you get healthy. Please, don't wait.
 
I do have access to clonzapam and ambien, I’m a little worried about taking an ambien while taking care of my mom because I’ve heard stories about sleepwalking and doing strange things but maybe I’ll try a tiny bit of a clonzapam if it gets too bad.
I have some health problems and take a lot of meds and am probably lucky that I already take blood pressure meds because I heard it can go up and make anxiety worse.

I think a new morning ritual is a good idea I have asthma and a bad back so I can’t exercis much but I’m sure there is something I can do to take my mind of taking a pill and get me past the hardest part in the morning.

i know what you mean about wanting to stay away but knowing you’re probably going to cave and then just accepting it even before you take it.
I caught myself having some of those thoughts today that I’m not going to make it and might as well take one now but I’m trying to remind myself how good I feel about making it to bed without one and how bad I’d feel if I would have taken one.


I should have mentioned that this time it feels a little different, I wanted Friday to be my last day but over the weekend I took meperidine once a day in the morning and wanted to stop then but I ended up taking one hydro Monday morning and as soon as I did I almost tried to force myself to throw it up and even though it was such a low dose and I didn’t feel much from it I did hate myself the whole time.

I wish my life was in a better place to stop but I realized I could tell myself that forever and I just need to do it, it is easier said than done though.
I keep having thoughts that I won’t make it this time but I try to push those out of my head because if I continue to think like that I will go back to using.
 
Today is day 4 without anything

Spent the whole night awake tossing and turning but managed a few hours sleep around 8:00 am
Cravings are worse this morning and I have a lot of back pain but I’m going to take an ibuprofen.

I’d like to thank everyone for being so nice and helpful
I don’t want to have to come back and post that I took anything so it gives me something to think about when I’m feeling weak and having thoughts of taking any.
 
I explained in my opening intro about an amphetamine relapse after roughly 5 yrs clean, well I'm determined to quit....after this last bag :\
I screwed up a potentially dream holiday to Mallorca cos i was coming down from a long binge on the 6am flight out..a hotel in it's own shallow, sandy bay..could see it and hear the med from my room as I endured the empty drained husk period, trying to hide my symptoms from my parents, "god, what a time to start with a bad cold" i bluffed lamely. wandering round the hotel paranoid i look worse in the brightness. was kinda coming round after roughly ten days. Then looking forward to gettin home cos I ordered more before I left home and knew more speed was waiting on the door matt.
I bought myself a Ticket for Queens of the Stone Age this Sunday 20th Nov and staying in a city centre hotel, going on my own to this one in Manchester cos people who usually go to concerts with find em to heavy!! but already been awake 2 nights, been to 2 concerts alone before, I can be so confident when i want, but it's another case of sabotage. Bought my last deal thinking i'd keep it for the Sunday (not that i need it really) of course i cut a few lines straight off and snorted it. As if i didn't know myself!
Got some xanax delivered today so i can maybe get a kip tonight and get straighter for the gig. Not gonna begin a new habit I am certain of that, just i need to straighten out for this brilliant gig, then i'll face the inevitable crash and burn.
Sure i'm not alone. thought a bit of contact during my inevitable crash would help, thanks for any help. ;)
 
Well OP, I might point out a certain BL member who might maybe live in the very same town as you, who doesn't have any opiate issues past or present or access anyway, who is currently totally sober--but he's so boring it'd drive anyone to start using just to deal with him. So, I'll keep his identity secret.
 
Today wasn’t too bad once I got past the morning, once early evening comes I don’t usually have too much trouble until it’s time to sleep.
My back pain has been worse but I’ve been managing with ibuprofen, I heard that pain might increase during withdrawals but at the end should go back to normal.
It also seems like the past few days I have more anxiety getting a little worse everyday but I’m sure not sleeping good probably has something to do with it too, I been able to just deal with it but I feel it always there in the background.

When I started this I was more afraid of the physical symptoms but it’s the mental part that has been the hardest.
I’ve been reading here as much as I can and know that once the physical withdrawal is over I will still be dealing with the mental part for a long time and am glad I know that now, I think it helps knowing what to expect.
 
Day 5

This morning was the toughest so far and I had to do a lot for my mother today and had a lot of stress but made it through ok.

I’m trying to separate taking pills and feeling good in my mind telling myself I want to feel better not I want to take a pill to feel better, I don’t know why but it seems to help.
I still have that nervous feeling in my chest all the time but try to ignore it. Sleeping is still a problem too, I’m trying to find the best way to deal with that.

I can’t wait to be done with this, I hate these thoughts of pills occupying my mind all the time.
 
Today is day 6 for me and I didn’t get any sleep last night and the restless leg thing is killing me.
I was doubting myself and I’m trying to get back the mindset I’ve had the past few days but it’s hard when I’m exhausted all the time.
It’s hard having to be in charge of my mothers pain meds while doing this but there is nobody’s else who can or will.
I’m worried about the coming week especially after the way I’ve been feeling.
 
I'm so sorry, you aren't getting a break. Post until you drop. Let it all out. Then you can see how far you have come
 
Today is day 7 and it seems like everything else in my life has been getting worse since I stopped taking pills and I’m really doubting that I can do this.
Having trouble taking care of my mother (I don’t want to get into that too much) and somebody crashed into my car while it was parked in front of the store.
 
Today is day 8, the longest I’ve gone before is 7 days hopefully I can do it this time.
 
FresnoSun said:
Today wasn’t too bad once I got past the morning, once early evening comes I don’t usually have too much trouble until it’s time to sleep.
My back pain has been worse but I’ve been managing with ibuprofen, I heard that pain might increase during withdrawals but at the end should go back to normal.
It also seems like the past few days I have more anxiety getting a little worse everyday but I’m sure not sleeping good probably has something to do with it too, I been able to just deal with it but I feel it always there in the background.

When I started this I was more afraid of the physical symptoms but it’s the mental part that has been the hardest.
I’ve been reading here as much as I can and know that once the physical withdrawal is over I will still be dealing with the mental part for a long time and am glad I know that now, I think it helps knowing what to expect.
Click to expand...

Yup, we always think the physical pain in the worst thing, but eventually it gets better while the mental, existential pain and anxiety get worse. That's why I ALWAYS went back to using, no matter how long I'd been clean. I just could NOT stand that crawly feeling in my limbs--yuck! If that's super hard, there are some tricks that help me. First is potassium and magnesium--zinc is important too. If you can get your doctor to prescribe them, the med I take is called Requip (brand name) or Ropinerol (generic.) The problem I have with it is that when you start, one works great, but by the second week, to get any effect you have to take about 5. I also drink the mixer that has quinine in it; that helps. Good luck--sounds like you're doing all the right things--see if you can keep up the good work!
 
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