KILLBOOK’S TRIP REPORT:
For those of you who are not aware, a few weeks ago I decided to embark on this scientific/spiritual journey that would result in me participating in a self-experimentation experiment. I was going through some really harsh things in my life and I felt that it was all due to who I was as a person. I felt that in order to prosper, I needed to change who I was. I did a bit of reading and figured out that ego-death's possessed this power to reform a person. So, I wondered if I could use that power the be who I wanted to be. So, I was trying to see if there was some way I could invoke an ego-death with the help and use of psychedelic drugs and become the person who I wanted myself to be. I sat down, did a lot of self-reflection, and came up with who I wanted to be.
I made up this whole plan to first of all, give myself an ego-death, and second of all, have that ego-death change who I am to the way I want me to be. I wanted to do it in such a way where I forget completely who I was, and my sense of identity, and just awoke from the ego-death as this brand new identity. I proposed my plan to this forum's community and got some great advice from many of the members on here that helped shape this plan of mine. I finally got my hand's on some shrooms last Sunday (the one before the one that just passed), and successfully had an ego-death. This is a trip report, reporting all that happened during the trip, before and after the ego-death, and the aftermath of it all. I hope you all enjoy. I wanted to catch some of you up in case you are confused as to what this stems from.
Here is the link to the original thread if you need anymore information or have any questions. This is the thread I originally posted with my proposed plan:
http://bluelight.org/vb/threads/832982-Ego-Death-Can-You-Be-Who-You-Want-To-Be
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This post is kind of all over the place. I'll come back from time to time to polish it up and make it more organized and look better. I did all of this in one sitting and it's too much for me right now to organize this all. During this report, there are instances where I can't continue at the moment. Where these instances are, I will have 'TO BE EDITED'. This means I need a break, and I will have to come back and finish that part later because it's too much for me to think of right now.
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I know this trip report is kind of long. I have put spoilers so it doesn't look so crazy and it looks more organized. I know I say a lot in this trip report, but I encourage you to read everything because the only reason this trip report is so long, is because it worked. And because it worked, it's hard for me to elaborate on what happened and what I meant without saying so much. I apologize for the length.
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Anyways, here is my trip report for October 29th, 2017 where I lemon-teked 4 grams of shrooms and had an ego-death:
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EVERYTHING THAT HAPPENED DURING MY TRIP/POST EGO-DEATH:
WHAT HAPPENED DURING THE EGO-DEATH:
He spoke in tounges, the same tounges I was speaking in later in my trip. I don't know how to repeat what he was saying, and I didn't understand anything really either. He was speaking to someone, like as if he was speaking to the Universe, or maybe the Shroom God's. I don't know. I'm trying not to sound too crazy here. He was making this weird noise and I could feel whoever he was talking to communicating with him but I couldn't hear him or anything, I could just hear him. Anyways, the only thing I could make out that he said was when I fully had my ego-death. Whenever I stopped being concious and was looking at my body, I transferred my perspective into his. It was so weird, it was as if I wasn't even myself anymore. It's as if I was this weird elephant spirit thing. This is going to be hard to explain without addressing the elephant man this part as myself so bare with me. When I say 'I', I am referring to the elephant man. Sorry if this get's confusing.
I climbed out of my body from the back of my body. I don't remember if I climbed or floated. I stood next to my body, but I wasn't looking at my body, more like the spiritual shape of my body. In fact, I saw everything through what I felt in my soul, not with any of my other sense. It was weird because I don't even believe in a soul yet I can't describe this any other way. I felt my leg (his leg) kick my body and him say in his tounge "this things broken" but I guess I understood it because I was in his consciousness. After this, I got ripped out of his consciousness, placed back into my body, and was thrown back into reality. For some reason, that video had restarted, and I heard it in my headphones for the 2 seconds I was conscious. I opened my eyes and literally there was so much shit going on I couldn't see past any of it. It was so much geometry! (I'll have to come back and finish this part, this is too much, *TO BE EDITED). I was being consumed by the Universe into the stuff I was seeing and then I just became one with it all.
Then, after this, I blacked out. I don't remember what happened, I just remember everything from the moment I regained consciousness. Whatever happened in those moments, I felt it in my mind, my brain, my body, my soul, and my heart. I felt whatever it was that that ego-death did. And that feeling it gave me gave the feeling of nothingness and everything-ness at the same time? It's weird to explain. But it felt as if I had a new thing in me. There was no longer the elephant thing. There was this other thing. (I can't describe it right now, it's too much, TOO BE EDITED*)
*TO BE EDITED*
Ok, I know you may want to read the rest but I need a break. During my trip, I felt like I went insane. I felt like I lost my mind, and when I relive my ego-death, I get that feeling all over again. As I am typing this trip-report, I am losing my mind again. When I go into the first person of what I was in first person of (not me; something else), I start to lose my mind. I start to get this weird overwhelming feeling and I just can't handle that right now. I'll come back and edit this part later to finish what I was saying.
POST EGO-DEATH:
WHAT'S HAPPENING NOW:
TL;DR:
THE END RESULT OF THIS EXPERIMENT: CAN YOU USE EGO-DEATH TO BE WHO YOU WANT TO BE?
Yes, you can use an ego-death to be who you want to be. I did this all for me. But I'm posting my results and stuff because I also did this for the experiment. So that's why I have included all the audio files and documentation. It worked, so if anyone maybe someone who needs this can take a few notes from this experiment. According to my hypothesis, I failed. I didn't forget who I was. But according to how I'm living now, how I'm thinking, and feeling, I think it worked. As long as I practice those words, I will be who I want to be. Ego-Death started me on my own self-made path to become who I want to be. But, at my core, I am exactly who I want to be. And he is different than who I was on the surface and at my core.
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Link To Audio Files: https://drive.google.com/open?id=0B_wmg12GRNICMkJiSjB6ellUdk0
Link To Documentation: https://drive.google.com/open?id=0B_wmg12GRNICLTE1dTR1REU5T3M
Link To Live Video Recording of The Trip: (I will edit this to include the link once I have the video up)
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Below is a summary/commentary from Killbook himself:
Hey everyone. I just want to thank the "Bluelight" community for all of their help. This would have never happened without you all. If you're reading this, that means it worked. I know all of you said my plan wouldn't work but as I told you, there is always a possibility. In this case, it worked. I am glad. I needed this so much. I hope that I can achieve what it is I wanted to achieve out of this. If I can, then I'll be happy. With this plan I feel as if I have proven myself to be capable of coming up with plans that work. If I get what I sought after, then I will be able to make more plans like this. But again, I couldn't have done this with your help. And I hope that this research can help some of you all or maybe a bystander stumbling by. Now hopefully, someone who wants to change their life too can do what I did here and share the same beautiful experience. Think of the possibilities!
Much love,
Killbook.
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This trip report was originally designed for my trip-sitter to complete. I was not supposed to remember this trip at all or anything about my life. That's why there is commentary at the end. My trip sitter was supposed to do all of this for me. But, I didn't fully kill my 'self', so here I am. However, I wanted to keep the commentary because they are words from who I used to be. I read them now and like everything else, they just don't feel like they belong to me. I don't know how to explain it, it just is that way.
substancecode_mushrooms
substancecode_tryptamines
explevel_firsttime
roacode_oral
exptype_positive
exptype_lifechanging
exptype_spiritual
For those of you who are not aware, a few weeks ago I decided to embark on this scientific/spiritual journey that would result in me participating in a self-experimentation experiment. I was going through some really harsh things in my life and I felt that it was all due to who I was as a person. I felt that in order to prosper, I needed to change who I was. I did a bit of reading and figured out that ego-death's possessed this power to reform a person. So, I wondered if I could use that power the be who I wanted to be. So, I was trying to see if there was some way I could invoke an ego-death with the help and use of psychedelic drugs and become the person who I wanted myself to be. I sat down, did a lot of self-reflection, and came up with who I wanted to be.
I made up this whole plan to first of all, give myself an ego-death, and second of all, have that ego-death change who I am to the way I want me to be. I wanted to do it in such a way where I forget completely who I was, and my sense of identity, and just awoke from the ego-death as this brand new identity. I proposed my plan to this forum's community and got some great advice from many of the members on here that helped shape this plan of mine. I finally got my hand's on some shrooms last Sunday (the one before the one that just passed), and successfully had an ego-death. This is a trip report, reporting all that happened during the trip, before and after the ego-death, and the aftermath of it all. I hope you all enjoy. I wanted to catch some of you up in case you are confused as to what this stems from.
Here is the link to the original thread if you need anymore information or have any questions. This is the thread I originally posted with my proposed plan:
http://bluelight.org/vb/threads/832982-Ego-Death-Can-You-Be-Who-You-Want-To-Be
______________________________________________________________________________
This post is kind of all over the place. I'll come back from time to time to polish it up and make it more organized and look better. I did all of this in one sitting and it's too much for me right now to organize this all. During this report, there are instances where I can't continue at the moment. Where these instances are, I will have 'TO BE EDITED'. This means I need a break, and I will have to come back and finish that part later because it's too much for me to think of right now.
_____________________________________________________________
I know this trip report is kind of long. I have put spoilers so it doesn't look so crazy and it looks more organized. I know I say a lot in this trip report, but I encourage you to read everything because the only reason this trip report is so long, is because it worked. And because it worked, it's hard for me to elaborate on what happened and what I meant without saying so much. I apologize for the length.
______________________________________________________________________________
Anyways, here is my trip report for October 29th, 2017 where I lemon-teked 4 grams of shrooms and had an ego-death:
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EVERYTHING THAT HAPPENED DURING MY TRIP/POST EGO-DEATH:
I lemon-tekd(?) four grams of shrooms using Orange Juice. It was such a hard come-up and it hit me really fast. It was weird feeling my body like that, but it was almost as if the the come-up was the shrooms removing my body and spirit from the reality I was in, and placing it in it's own. My mind started to feel weird, my thoughts were like almost not my own. Me and my friend played mario kart on the come up because I needed something to occupy myself while I came up so I wouldn't freak out. I was really nervous going into this trip. This was my first time doing shrooms and I was lemon-teking four grams so it was intense on me. After about a hour and a half later (still no visuals at this point might I add), we went up to his room. The whole time I was coming up, literally from the moment the shrooms hit me, I felt 'myself' slowly fading away. It was at the point to where I told my sitter that at anymore given moment, I could have this ego-death.
I made a list of instructions and printed them out for my trip-sitter. These instructions are included in the documents. These instructions included ways to induce this ego-death. If one way failed, we were to move on to the next way until it happened or didn't. When we went up to his room, I had him set everything up for the ego-death because I felt like it was about that time. I sat and enjoyed life for a little bit longer as the person who I was, then I layed on the ground and started my ego-death. I listened to the 'Who are we?' audio recording (included in the audio files link). I knew that if I was faking anything, it wouldn't work. I was told that these questions that were said on the audio file would induce ego-death. So, I laid down and pondered each question. By doing this, I felt as if my mind was taken from reality and placed in the realm where my body and spirit were transferred to earlier. Now I was at the mercy of the shroom gods. I felt 'myself' starting to slip, I was losing consciousness. I then started having the ego-death (key-word; started). I started clearing my mind, literally 'shooing' away any thoughts (it was amazing, I felt so proud in this moment. I was so happy because I knew this was going to work). Eventually, I hit a brick where I couldn't lose consciousness.
When I hit this wall, I skipped the next attempts (listening to the audio clip(s) 'Reflection & Advice' & 'This Is Death') and went straight to the video I had on stand-by just in case I started to freak out or couldn't get the ego-death to work. The video is included in the trip sitter instructions. It's a video by the YouTuber 'PsychedSubstance' where he kind of guides you into your ego-death. Everything was voice-recorded by me, so it was nice hearing another voice guide me and not my own. When I played his video, I watched it, and started to really fade. Then, after a bit of watching it, when he got to the end and there was this psychadelic stuff going on in the video, there was a sound he had playing in the video. That sound was all that I heard and the next thing I knew, I was having an ego-death.
I made a list of instructions and printed them out for my trip-sitter. These instructions are included in the documents. These instructions included ways to induce this ego-death. If one way failed, we were to move on to the next way until it happened or didn't. When we went up to his room, I had him set everything up for the ego-death because I felt like it was about that time. I sat and enjoyed life for a little bit longer as the person who I was, then I layed on the ground and started my ego-death. I listened to the 'Who are we?' audio recording (included in the audio files link). I knew that if I was faking anything, it wouldn't work. I was told that these questions that were said on the audio file would induce ego-death. So, I laid down and pondered each question. By doing this, I felt as if my mind was taken from reality and placed in the realm where my body and spirit were transferred to earlier. Now I was at the mercy of the shroom gods. I felt 'myself' starting to slip, I was losing consciousness. I then started having the ego-death (key-word; started). I started clearing my mind, literally 'shooing' away any thoughts (it was amazing, I felt so proud in this moment. I was so happy because I knew this was going to work). Eventually, I hit a brick where I couldn't lose consciousness.
When I hit this wall, I skipped the next attempts (listening to the audio clip(s) 'Reflection & Advice' & 'This Is Death') and went straight to the video I had on stand-by just in case I started to freak out or couldn't get the ego-death to work. The video is included in the trip sitter instructions. It's a video by the YouTuber 'PsychedSubstance' where he kind of guides you into your ego-death. Everything was voice-recorded by me, so it was nice hearing another voice guide me and not my own. When I played his video, I watched it, and started to really fade. Then, after a bit of watching it, when he got to the end and there was this psychadelic stuff going on in the video, there was a sound he had playing in the video. That sound was all that I heard and the next thing I knew, I was having an ego-death.
WHAT HAPPENED DURING THE EGO-DEATH:
I will try to explain this best from memory. First of all, after all my research on ego-deaths, I just want to say that everyone is right. If you were conscious enough to think, or even really remember the ego-death, (which is kind of contradictory since I do remember it;
but only partially) then you probably didn't have a real ego-death. It's not the act of humbling yourself, it's the act of literally being broken and re-fixed. That's the best way I can describe it. Anyways, during the ego-death, I don't know what happened, but I can describe what led to it. I was shooing away my thoughts; my ego. I kind of chuckled at how pathetic my ego was, trying anything and everything to not have the ego-death. It would come up with excuses like my body being uncomfortable in a certain position and me needing to change it. That's an act of consciousness and ego, something I was trying to avoid. Other examples were when it would try to make me remember things, or even when it would praise me. Like, it would try to make me feel praise for the fact I was doing this, and that would have led me to think.
I realized that my ego isn't just what I think of myself, it's basically the act of thinking. It kept coming up with these excuses just to basically think because it knew if I was thinking, I was conscious. And if I was conscious, my ego couldn't die, because my ego is 'I', and the conscious act of being conscious, and all that is engulfed with the very act of being conscious, is my ego, for when I am conscious, my consciousness is centered around my 'I', aka my ego. It's not impossible (because I think this is what ego-death is) but it's really hard to be conscious with no you involved in that conscious process. So basically, it's hard to look at say a wall, be conscious of the wall, and not have that little voice (your ego) make the wall what it is to you. I realized this all while I was literally in the process of killing my ego (it was hard to kill my ego and think of this all at the same time haha). It helped to kill my ego though, because I became aware of all it's little tricks.
My ego was so childish and manipulative. Finally, the little voice got softer, and started speaking less. During this time, I literally started seizing. My trip sitter was a sleep and didn't notice, but I started having a seizure. I believe what contributed to this was I was shivering heavily (it was cold and I naturally get colder than others, so the combined heightened sense from the shrooms and that had me having bodily compulsions and seizing). I felt the universe and everything just kind of forcing it's way into my body + spirit (notice how I say body + spirit because it wasn't just something physical, but it was something spiritual). The feeling was inteeense. The come-up on my body was intense but that feeling during this ego-death was intensified by like 10, making an already intense feeling really intense. I was having an internal battle. One voice was telling my ego to just 'let go' (I'm not really sure what to make of that yet. I still don't know if both voices were my ego, and if so, how did it do that). Every time my ego spoke, that voice told it to be quiet. Whenever there was silence in my head, I seized harder, opened my eyes and closed them rapidly, and watched the universe transfer into me. Eventually, there was silence in my head, and I was seizing harder than ever.
Now this part is where things get a little funky so bear with me. I am going to try my best to explain what happened during this time my ego was dead. The moment it died, there was nothing but blackness. Then, these intense visuals were going on, they were like geometric symmetry lines, just floating through the blackness. The lines were like red I think. Eventually, I can't explain how, but those lines started to get intense, even though they didn't change how they looked at all. Then, all I know is I have a partial out of body experience. When I say that, I mean I was viewing myself in the same perspective as when I try to picture how I look in my head in third person while also viewing everything else in first (day-dreaming). I felt my body laying there, eyes wide open and mouth too, as if I was literally dead. It was so creepy, like it looked like I was dead, but I knew I was alive. It was just weird looking at a body with no consciousness, no self, no anything in it. It was as if my body was (this is really hard to type, everytime I think back to this, my body and mind gets to feeling really weird) it's as if my body was what a wall is when I look at it without my ego. So lifeless without any properties, meaning, or significance. It was as if my body was just like some random wall that your ego didn't make anything of. I don't know how to explain it, it was just weird. That's what I saw in third person. Then, my perspective shifted. I was back in first person, but not in my own body. I was in the body/consciousness of this weird spiritual like animal? I don't even know how to describe him. I knew it was a him though. I don't know what to make of him either. He was this short little elephant thing. This is the closest picture I could find of just his head on the internet.
I realized that my ego isn't just what I think of myself, it's basically the act of thinking. It kept coming up with these excuses just to basically think because it knew if I was thinking, I was conscious. And if I was conscious, my ego couldn't die, because my ego is 'I', and the conscious act of being conscious, and all that is engulfed with the very act of being conscious, is my ego, for when I am conscious, my consciousness is centered around my 'I', aka my ego. It's not impossible (because I think this is what ego-death is) but it's really hard to be conscious with no you involved in that conscious process. So basically, it's hard to look at say a wall, be conscious of the wall, and not have that little voice (your ego) make the wall what it is to you. I realized this all while I was literally in the process of killing my ego (it was hard to kill my ego and think of this all at the same time haha). It helped to kill my ego though, because I became aware of all it's little tricks.
My ego was so childish and manipulative. Finally, the little voice got softer, and started speaking less. During this time, I literally started seizing. My trip sitter was a sleep and didn't notice, but I started having a seizure. I believe what contributed to this was I was shivering heavily (it was cold and I naturally get colder than others, so the combined heightened sense from the shrooms and that had me having bodily compulsions and seizing). I felt the universe and everything just kind of forcing it's way into my body + spirit (notice how I say body + spirit because it wasn't just something physical, but it was something spiritual). The feeling was inteeense. The come-up on my body was intense but that feeling during this ego-death was intensified by like 10, making an already intense feeling really intense. I was having an internal battle. One voice was telling my ego to just 'let go' (I'm not really sure what to make of that yet. I still don't know if both voices were my ego, and if so, how did it do that). Every time my ego spoke, that voice told it to be quiet. Whenever there was silence in my head, I seized harder, opened my eyes and closed them rapidly, and watched the universe transfer into me. Eventually, there was silence in my head, and I was seizing harder than ever.
Now this part is where things get a little funky so bear with me. I am going to try my best to explain what happened during this time my ego was dead. The moment it died, there was nothing but blackness. Then, these intense visuals were going on, they were like geometric symmetry lines, just floating through the blackness. The lines were like red I think. Eventually, I can't explain how, but those lines started to get intense, even though they didn't change how they looked at all. Then, all I know is I have a partial out of body experience. When I say that, I mean I was viewing myself in the same perspective as when I try to picture how I look in my head in third person while also viewing everything else in first (day-dreaming). I felt my body laying there, eyes wide open and mouth too, as if I was literally dead. It was so creepy, like it looked like I was dead, but I knew I was alive. It was just weird looking at a body with no consciousness, no self, no anything in it. It was as if my body was (this is really hard to type, everytime I think back to this, my body and mind gets to feeling really weird) it's as if my body was what a wall is when I look at it without my ego. So lifeless without any properties, meaning, or significance. It was as if my body was just like some random wall that your ego didn't make anything of. I don't know how to explain it, it was just weird. That's what I saw in third person. Then, my perspective shifted. I was back in first person, but not in my own body. I was in the body/consciousness of this weird spiritual like animal? I don't even know how to describe him. I knew it was a him though. I don't know what to make of him either. He was this short little elephant thing. This is the closest picture I could find of just his head on the internet.
He spoke in tounges, the same tounges I was speaking in later in my trip. I don't know how to repeat what he was saying, and I didn't understand anything really either. He was speaking to someone, like as if he was speaking to the Universe, or maybe the Shroom God's. I don't know. I'm trying not to sound too crazy here. He was making this weird noise and I could feel whoever he was talking to communicating with him but I couldn't hear him or anything, I could just hear him. Anyways, the only thing I could make out that he said was when I fully had my ego-death. Whenever I stopped being concious and was looking at my body, I transferred my perspective into his. It was so weird, it was as if I wasn't even myself anymore. It's as if I was this weird elephant spirit thing. This is going to be hard to explain without addressing the elephant man this part as myself so bare with me. When I say 'I', I am referring to the elephant man. Sorry if this get's confusing.
I climbed out of my body from the back of my body. I don't remember if I climbed or floated. I stood next to my body, but I wasn't looking at my body, more like the spiritual shape of my body. In fact, I saw everything through what I felt in my soul, not with any of my other sense. It was weird because I don't even believe in a soul yet I can't describe this any other way. I felt my leg (his leg) kick my body and him say in his tounge "this things broken" but I guess I understood it because I was in his consciousness. After this, I got ripped out of his consciousness, placed back into my body, and was thrown back into reality. For some reason, that video had restarted, and I heard it in my headphones for the 2 seconds I was conscious. I opened my eyes and literally there was so much shit going on I couldn't see past any of it. It was so much geometry! (I'll have to come back and finish this part, this is too much, *TO BE EDITED). I was being consumed by the Universe into the stuff I was seeing and then I just became one with it all.
Then, after this, I blacked out. I don't remember what happened, I just remember everything from the moment I regained consciousness. Whatever happened in those moments, I felt it in my mind, my brain, my body, my soul, and my heart. I felt whatever it was that that ego-death did. And that feeling it gave me gave the feeling of nothingness and everything-ness at the same time? It's weird to explain. But it felt as if I had a new thing in me. There was no longer the elephant thing. There was this other thing. (I can't describe it right now, it's too much, TOO BE EDITED*)
*TO BE EDITED*
Ok, I know you may want to read the rest but I need a break. During my trip, I felt like I went insane. I felt like I lost my mind, and when I relive my ego-death, I get that feeling all over again. As I am typing this trip-report, I am losing my mind again. When I go into the first person of what I was in first person of (not me; something else), I start to lose my mind. I start to get this weird overwhelming feeling and I just can't handle that right now. I'll come back and edit this part later to finish what I was saying.
POST EGO-DEATH:
When I finally started coming to, a (not my old one, a new one) ego started thinking. It started making sense of reality. I finally sat up, looked around for a bit, and it was as if I was in my own realm. Like a brand new realm I had never been in. It literally felt as if I had been reborn somewhere else. I have never in my life been able to think so clearly in these moments. I was thinking with an ego who knew nothing, and it was a very humbling experience. I finally picked up my phone, and started playing the audio recording where it's me going who 'who I am'. I was literally attaching characteristics and properties to this new ego, letting my ego know this is who I am, not the old me. It was working. I felt it working. I still think it worked. I convinced myself, somehow, someway which I literally can't even begin to sit here and explain how because honestly, I don't even understand what happened, but I convinced myself of everything I said in that audio-recording. I listened to the one called 'CMG', and I believe that's who I am now. I don't know if I believed it before or not, I literally don't even know what to make of it, but I am convinced that's who I am now. Well, deep down but I'll get to that in a second. However, during this time, my ego was not fully back, it was still learning reality. It was as if it hadn't touched the controls yet. I turned my friend's mirror around and stared at myself. I was literally looking at me as if I've never seen me before. It was an awe-amazing experience. Then I started doing these 'stances'.
Let me tell you, I have never seen these stances done before, and I have never practiced them before. But I know where they came from. They come from like stances monk's do, and stances those little spiritual trippy pictures of people are in, and I was doing them. It was the weirdest thing ever because I was like, how do I know how to do this, and why is it coming so naturally. I then realized that these stances are just whatever it is that is controlling my body, doing some type of 'spiritual/body' thing to reconnect (I don't know, like I said I'm just trying to make sense of everything). These stances helped me feel at peace, helped me think, and helped me feel so connected to the universe. I never felt so connected in my life. Then, I finished. I woke up my trip sitter because I wanted to tell him everything before I finished my experiment. I was so profound of the results, I couldn't contain the urge to let someone know of my founding's. This was the most fascinating scientific-type experiment I have ever done, and the experience was amazing. I felt as if I understood everything now because of it. Well, this was a bad idea. I only had so much time left before the shrooms wore off, and I realized that. I realized that in order for this to work, I would have to finish killing what was left of my ego, and kill my memory of it.
Well, I was telling him everything, and I tried to go back to listening to the res t of my audio-recording. That didn't work because I became incredibly conflicted. I started thinking about if I really wanted to go through with this. I saw how childish I was to even want to do this. The reason why I did all of this ceased to even be important to me anymore, and it was as if I could finally move on. I remember having this really intense feeling that the universe was trying to tell me something. It was as if this feeling was telling me I needed to go sit down, and listen to what the universe had to say. But that would mean I would spend what time I had left listening, and I couldn't finish my experiment. It was clear that I was faced with an ultimatum. I was so conflicted. I could have went and listened, or I could have finished my experiment. The shrooms gave me the power to make it possible. I remember I assorted it to the 'left' and 'right' side (the left side is me finishing killing 'myself' and the right is me not, and listening to what the Universe has to say'). Thinking back on it now, I don't think the Universe really wanted me to listen, because it presented such a ultimatum that it made it impossible to choose. Literally, I sat and I pondered the pro's and con's of each side and I shit you not, each side has as many pro's and con's as the other. It drove me insane! I remember the shrooms were being biased as well though. They were not giving me a clear head to think, because the shrooms and their power come from the universe, so it wanted me to listen to what it had to say.
I was trying to look at it from an unbiased view. If I chose the left side, I would be doing what I intended to in the first place. If I chose the right, I would accept who I am, accept what happened, listen to the Universe, and go about my life as this person who is spiritual. Thinking back on it now, I think the right side is the side that won in the end. But I'll get to that in a second. I sat there and I contemplated the sides for a long time. It really had me torn because the reason for this little experiment was very, very, very personal to me. It meant a lot. Anyways, I eventually chose the right side and you know what? I got nothing out of it. I was pissed lol. I sat down, I tried to listen to the universe, letting it's words flow through me. But those words began to not make sense. I started to literally lose my mind at this point. I'm not even kidding, if I didn't stop when I stopped, I would be insane right now. I felt like I had the mind of the elephant thing I was in and it was too much. My words weren't making sense. I wasn't making sense. I was believing every nonsense that was coming out of me. The shrooms were REALLY messing my body up. I had to shit and throw them up so badly.
Eventually, after about 30 minutes of trying to make sense whatever the 'Universe' was trying to tell me, it began to be too much for me. My head was so clogged by insanity. The shrooms were destroying my stomach. I decided to go for a walk and just enjoy the rest of my trip. Me and my sitter started to go but as soon as I stood up, I had to go to the bathroom. I couldn't hold it anymore. I went and let loose in there, and the whole time, I was insane. It's actually crazy to remember this part. I was literally insane. I was speaking in tongues. I was doing really wild stuff. I had weird urges. I couldn't formulate my own thoughts the correct way. I heard voices and had stuff going on in my head. It was just weird. I felt like I became that creature (part of my ego-death, TO BE EDITED*).
Eventually, when I was done, I decided I couldn't handle the shrooms anymore and tried to go to bed before I really lost my mind. So, I went to sleep and I woke up 4 hours later. I think I was still tripping. I still felt insane. I actually couldn't speak. To anyone. I couldn't say a word. I just had this weird feeling in my body, like the after-feeling you get from an LSD trip, yet I wasn't sober. But I wasn't necessarily tripping either. My eyes were still big.
Let me tell you, I have never seen these stances done before, and I have never practiced them before. But I know where they came from. They come from like stances monk's do, and stances those little spiritual trippy pictures of people are in, and I was doing them. It was the weirdest thing ever because I was like, how do I know how to do this, and why is it coming so naturally. I then realized that these stances are just whatever it is that is controlling my body, doing some type of 'spiritual/body' thing to reconnect (I don't know, like I said I'm just trying to make sense of everything). These stances helped me feel at peace, helped me think, and helped me feel so connected to the universe. I never felt so connected in my life. Then, I finished. I woke up my trip sitter because I wanted to tell him everything before I finished my experiment. I was so profound of the results, I couldn't contain the urge to let someone know of my founding's. This was the most fascinating scientific-type experiment I have ever done, and the experience was amazing. I felt as if I understood everything now because of it. Well, this was a bad idea. I only had so much time left before the shrooms wore off, and I realized that. I realized that in order for this to work, I would have to finish killing what was left of my ego, and kill my memory of it.
Well, I was telling him everything, and I tried to go back to listening to the res t of my audio-recording. That didn't work because I became incredibly conflicted. I started thinking about if I really wanted to go through with this. I saw how childish I was to even want to do this. The reason why I did all of this ceased to even be important to me anymore, and it was as if I could finally move on. I remember having this really intense feeling that the universe was trying to tell me something. It was as if this feeling was telling me I needed to go sit down, and listen to what the universe had to say. But that would mean I would spend what time I had left listening, and I couldn't finish my experiment. It was clear that I was faced with an ultimatum. I was so conflicted. I could have went and listened, or I could have finished my experiment. The shrooms gave me the power to make it possible. I remember I assorted it to the 'left' and 'right' side (the left side is me finishing killing 'myself' and the right is me not, and listening to what the Universe has to say'). Thinking back on it now, I don't think the Universe really wanted me to listen, because it presented such a ultimatum that it made it impossible to choose. Literally, I sat and I pondered the pro's and con's of each side and I shit you not, each side has as many pro's and con's as the other. It drove me insane! I remember the shrooms were being biased as well though. They were not giving me a clear head to think, because the shrooms and their power come from the universe, so it wanted me to listen to what it had to say.
I was trying to look at it from an unbiased view. If I chose the left side, I would be doing what I intended to in the first place. If I chose the right, I would accept who I am, accept what happened, listen to the Universe, and go about my life as this person who is spiritual. Thinking back on it now, I think the right side is the side that won in the end. But I'll get to that in a second. I sat there and I contemplated the sides for a long time. It really had me torn because the reason for this little experiment was very, very, very personal to me. It meant a lot. Anyways, I eventually chose the right side and you know what? I got nothing out of it. I was pissed lol. I sat down, I tried to listen to the universe, letting it's words flow through me. But those words began to not make sense. I started to literally lose my mind at this point. I'm not even kidding, if I didn't stop when I stopped, I would be insane right now. I felt like I had the mind of the elephant thing I was in and it was too much. My words weren't making sense. I wasn't making sense. I was believing every nonsense that was coming out of me. The shrooms were REALLY messing my body up. I had to shit and throw them up so badly.
Eventually, after about 30 minutes of trying to make sense whatever the 'Universe' was trying to tell me, it began to be too much for me. My head was so clogged by insanity. The shrooms were destroying my stomach. I decided to go for a walk and just enjoy the rest of my trip. Me and my sitter started to go but as soon as I stood up, I had to go to the bathroom. I couldn't hold it anymore. I went and let loose in there, and the whole time, I was insane. It's actually crazy to remember this part. I was literally insane. I was speaking in tongues. I was doing really wild stuff. I had weird urges. I couldn't formulate my own thoughts the correct way. I heard voices and had stuff going on in my head. It was just weird. I felt like I became that creature (part of my ego-death, TO BE EDITED*).
Eventually, when I was done, I decided I couldn't handle the shrooms anymore and tried to go to bed before I really lost my mind. So, I went to sleep and I woke up 4 hours later. I think I was still tripping. I still felt insane. I actually couldn't speak. To anyone. I couldn't say a word. I just had this weird feeling in my body, like the after-feeling you get from an LSD trip, yet I wasn't sober. But I wasn't necessarily tripping either. My eyes were still big.
WHAT'S HAPPENING NOW:
I listened to the CMG recording on repeat from the time I went to sleep that night till 2 days later. Each time I listened to it, I believed every word. I knew in my mind that the words I was saying were from the 'What Should I Be' document but just re-worded. I knew the words were just my old self trying to convince myself but it's weird, I believe every word. I really don't know how to explain it, but I can tell you it worked. Not in the way I thought it would though. Right now, I believe that those words are who I am deep down at my core. I believe that I just need to practice those words, and I will pull myself out of my core. For some reason, I resonate with these words as if they actually are me. It's like the feeling I get when reading astrology and stuff. I believe that this is really who I am. And for some reason, I can't remember much before the trip but I don't think that I felt this way about these words when making them. I think I made these words to reflect who I want myself to be. But at the time, I knew it wasn't who I was. I have certain things that are totally not me, yet I feel like they are now. It's a weird thing and I still don't know how to explain it. Whenever I hear myself say 'I am someone who' in the voice recording, I believe it. So, I'm going to say this worked. But not in the way I thought. I thought I would have no recollation of anything before the trip. I thought I would just magically become this guy. I honestly feel like I could have had I chosen the left side. I feel this way because I was destroying memories of things that even till now I can't remember what it was. I had the power. I didn't use it. So, now I am this guy who believes that this is who I am now. I can honestly say I am a different person now. I can honestly say that thanks to this ego-death, I am who I want to be. I am very depressed though. I am lost. I walk around now and I think about doing things I used to do and it just doesn't feel right. Like I can still do those things, and I've done a few already, but it feels wrong. It feels so very, very wrong. Like someone else is doing them. It's hard to explain, but this has been quite the experience.
TL;DR:
THE END RESULT OF THIS EXPERIMENT: CAN YOU USE EGO-DEATH TO BE WHO YOU WANT TO BE?
Yes, you can use an ego-death to be who you want to be. I did this all for me. But I'm posting my results and stuff because I also did this for the experiment. So that's why I have included all the audio files and documentation. It worked, so if anyone maybe someone who needs this can take a few notes from this experiment. According to my hypothesis, I failed. I didn't forget who I was. But according to how I'm living now, how I'm thinking, and feeling, I think it worked. As long as I practice those words, I will be who I want to be. Ego-Death started me on my own self-made path to become who I want to be. But, at my core, I am exactly who I want to be. And he is different than who I was on the surface and at my core.
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Link To Audio Files: https://drive.google.com/open?id=0B_wmg12GRNICMkJiSjB6ellUdk0
Link To Documentation: https://drive.google.com/open?id=0B_wmg12GRNICLTE1dTR1REU5T3M
Link To Live Video Recording of The Trip: (I will edit this to include the link once I have the video up)
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Below is a summary/commentary from Killbook himself:
Hey everyone. I just want to thank the "Bluelight" community for all of their help. This would have never happened without you all. If you're reading this, that means it worked. I know all of you said my plan wouldn't work but as I told you, there is always a possibility. In this case, it worked. I am glad. I needed this so much. I hope that I can achieve what it is I wanted to achieve out of this. If I can, then I'll be happy. With this plan I feel as if I have proven myself to be capable of coming up with plans that work. If I get what I sought after, then I will be able to make more plans like this. But again, I couldn't have done this with your help. And I hope that this research can help some of you all or maybe a bystander stumbling by. Now hopefully, someone who wants to change their life too can do what I did here and share the same beautiful experience. Think of the possibilities!
Much love,
Killbook.
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This trip report was originally designed for my trip-sitter to complete. I was not supposed to remember this trip at all or anything about my life. That's why there is commentary at the end. My trip sitter was supposed to do all of this for me. But, I didn't fully kill my 'self', so here I am. However, I wanted to keep the commentary because they are words from who I used to be. I read them now and like everything else, they just don't feel like they belong to me. I don't know how to explain it, it just is that way.
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substancecode_tryptamines
explevel_firsttime
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exptype_lifechanging
exptype_spiritual
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It's not that you're a different person, but that you have allowed aspects of yourself that you wanted to be there to develop, and perhaps aspects you did not want to recede. Your experience in life is still continuous, but psychedelics certainly are powerful tools for self-discovery and inner work.