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Qutting. Help.

ladyhlove

Bluelighter
Joined
Nov 9, 2017
Messages
509
Here's my story: Like many others, I began with pain pills about a decade ago. I always liked them and was the queen of searching through medicine cabinets for years for whatever I could find...percocets, loritabs, whatever. I never really had a steady connection so it was always occasional use...the occasional find in mom's bathroom, the occasional friend who had a couple left over after a surgery. I used to be a rather heavy drinker (socially only, but still) and I found when I took pills I drank a lot less in social situations and didn't have the dreaded hangover the next day. They also made me incredibly motivated...I can be a bit lazy at times but found that when I was high I would get my whole house clean, do all my homework, and run all the errands I had put off for weeks. It made me more social with friends and a better lover with boyfriends. However, this was only occasional use as I had no steady connection. I used to always (half) joke that if I ever knew a pill dealer, I would have a serious problem.

And then I met a dealer...and I was right. First, I met a connection with roxis, this was about four years ago...they were pretty expensive so I still kept my use to about once or twice a week, usually on my days off, and would get all sorts of things accomplished. They seemed to improve my life, so I didn't see them as a problem at all. About a year later, I met a new connection..this time iy was morphine ER. Now I know a lot of people don't like morphine, but I did. This connection (an old lady with a lot of disabilities who needed the money from selling to live) offered me the pills at a pretty low price (and often threw in freebies here and there) and had a pretty large supply prescribed to her monthly so I could binge on the pills for days/weeks. I also had a good paying job at the time so it didn't break the bank too much. However, as I started realizing how much I was spending per week I tried to quit. I didn't have classic physical wds but the depression (which I've always suffered from) got so bad I always ended up going back to the pills. Now, no one knew I was doing this (or so I thought), I was a closet addict who looked like I had everything together. This addiction cost me a three year relationship eventually once he realized what was going on. At that point I tried to quit for good. I took a couple of vacations (flew, so I couldnt bring pills with me), and seemed to make it past the worst of the wds (which were pretty mild, physically). This didn't last however...

I ended up picking my habit right back up a month or two later and met several other pill dealers in the meantime (so my supply never runs out, essentially). I also ended up getting into a new relationship. Now this guy (who is still my boyfriend) is incredible and the best thing that's ever happened to me. He's pretty laid back as far as weed, alcohol, and the occasional drug use goes but has no tolerance for addiction. I've kept my pill use secret from him and it seemed to be going fine..until recently. See, one of my pill dealers gave me a sample of some heroin. I resisted trying it for awhile (stashed it away) but ended up snorting a small line of it when out of pills one day. What a bad move that was...that little bit of heroin got me as high as over $100 worth of pain pills would...what a great way to save money, I thought. Bad idea. This was a little over three months ago and I've been exclusively buying and using heroin ever since. I'm currently only snorting, but my tolerance has gone up already in this short amount of time. A gram initially lasted me 4-5 days and now I'm lucky if I can make it last 2. I tried to go back to pills but it took 7 30mg roxis to get me even close to feeling the way I wanted to...something I can definitely not afford. Also, the boyfriend has started figuring out whats going on..its not easy to hide. He's found cut straws, noticed sketchy behavior (like having to duck away to the bathroom all the time), and even found my stash once (it was white powder, so he didnt know exactly what it was). I told him I was snorting xanex (I have anxiety) because I thought if he knew it was h he would freak. I've told him I'm done with it, but its a lie. I've just gotten better at hiding it. But I know its only a matter of time before he finds something again and this time I know he will leave me.

I want so badly to quit. I tried to quit on a three day trip we took a month or so ago, but ended up sicker than I've ever been during a wd. Heroin really is no joke. Every time I plan on quitting (this is my last bag, I swear..a common thought I have), I cave when the wds just begin to creep up. I have a good job, a nice house and car, a wonderful relationship, and a great set of friends (none of which use, btw) and I know I'm going to lose it all if I keep this up.

I've looked into getting a suboxone dr. but I have no health insurance. Its really expensive, though not as much as I'm spending on h at the end of the day I suppose. There's a clinic down the street from me that offers suboxone treatment for a low price but you have to go daily and I can't do that with my job (and I don't want the bf knowing I'm going either). I can't do cold turkey, I'm a pussy. I'm thinking maybe I can go back to using pills (still have my cheap morphine hookup) and maybe ween down. I don't know what to do honestly. I just need help. Since I'm a closet addict, this is my only outlet and I guess I just want some folks to talk to during the process. What would you guys suggest I do? Does a pill taper sound reasonable?
 
Just to tell y'all a little about me, by the way:

I am a 31 year old female living in the southeast U.S. I'm a paralegal. I have no kids (except my wonderful Rottweiler, Herschel). I'm a seemingly normal gal. By appearance, I've got everything going for me...however, secretly, I'm a heroin addict.
 
hi there...you're in the right place!

First off, I just want to mention how familiar your story sounds. I was a married, professionally employed guy in my early 40s when suddenly heroin came into my life (I never did much in the way of drugs previously). The pull that it had (and continues to have) on me was incredible. Quitting has been the hardest thing I've ever done. It took me quite a few tries (many tries, actually) before I got any traction on the issue. But eventually things clicked, and I've now stabilized my life quite a bit. The most crucial advice I can give is simply, don't give up. No matter how frustrating it gets, how many times you may stumble, just keep getting up and trying again.

If suboxone or similar isn't for you, then yes, a pill taper is possible. However, tapering with full-agonist opioids such as morphine can be very hard to pull off. Depending where you live, another taper possibility is to use kratom.

We can figure this out (in terms of treatment options). The main thing is simply to know that you're not alone...many of us on this forum have been in (or are now in) situations much like what you describe. I encourage you to write as much as feels good here on BL...it really helped me, at least ;)

I'll be thinking good thoughts for you. Keep us in the loop.
Sim
 
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