So, Day 48. I've been purposefully not counting the days anymore. I looked for the purpose of this post - I thought it was helpful when I was reading others' recovery stories.
Life is getting better everyday. I'm able to curb the remaining anxiety by just keeping busy/getting stuff done or hanging out with loved ones or working out, usually. Except first thing in the morning - I'm still waking up much earlier than I'd like (and usually with some anxiety - 5:30 this morning) but am trying to stop being angry/anxious about it and just roll with it. Been in my office since 7 - catch up time. It means I have to go to bed earlier, though. It doesn't seem to matter what time I go to bed, I'm up by the time the sun is nomatter what, so my schedule is not my favorite, but not too bad, either. It will slowly get back to normal, I'm sure. In the mean time, I've got a lot of work to do, anyway. The anxiety is so much better, I'm down to 0 - .5 Xanax per 24 hours. No sign of wd. Whew.
Still have sinus isssues, a little fog and slight stomach and GI issues, but nothing drastic in any department. I think keeping the sleep regular is the most important thing I can do for myself right now but I'm also trying to eat healthy, exercise and am even kind of enjoying the meditating I've started doing (much to my surprise).
When I was preparing for this ordeal but was still taking Oxymorphone, I did a lot of research. I read at least once and I think twice, that you should wait until summer to kick/not kick in winter. I thought that was the most ridiculous thing - and still sort of do, if you're ready, do it now. However, having gone through this in a particularly cold winter (for my senses/location), I get it. At first, I thought it was because of the sensitivity to cold thing. I still think that's some of it. But really, for me, it is so important to keep busy. And it is much more difficult to do that when you can't enjoy the outdoors. I don't think anybody should wait for good weather to kick - it's not going to be comfortable no matter when you do it and you could end up not making it to that warm weather you're waiting for. I think if you are kicking in the winter, though, you have to make a plan, join a gym and/or just take extra steps to make sure you have stuff to occupy your mind and time.
Finally, Saturday was brutal but not as much in the way I expected. 11am was the first funeral - for the little boy. The parents chose to have bread-breaking gathering instead of a traditional funeral - no coffin, no sermon,,, no sad music - just a small prepared speech, lots of kids in attendance and friends gathering over a meal. It was still incredibly sad but the choices they made, made it truly a celebration of his little life (and all the other little lives there) instead of funeral-like.
The next one, however, was unbearable. Mostly because the entire funeral was about how Jesus died on the cross for *Steve's* sins. Not everyone's. Not that stuff plus what a great guy he was. Nope. Just "thank god jesus died on the cross for this poor morally corrupt sinner." It was fucking infuriating. It turns out, *Steve's* family is highly religious - we didn't know that we hadn't ever met them because they disowned him years ago. He talked a little shit about his parents now and then, but, who doesn't? Anyway, I'm not sure that's anything anybody wants to read, but maybe none of this is...
I hope everybody is feeling strong and having a good day.
