Tubbs
Bluelight Crew
- Joined
- Sep 29, 2017
- Messages
- 9,406
I'm 3 months clean saturday and i feel nothing. this isnt really anything new emotions and feelings hell even physical sensations have always been pretty far gone for me. I don't really know how to explain it. My emotions have always been very blunted and i have a family history of cns degradation i feel very little emotionally and physically. to the point that when something does hurt i kind of get off on it.
Ive had plenty of relationships in my life but only one has ever really meant anything to me. i met her 2 years ago, we immediately clicked, it was like wed know each other for our whole lives. We became extremely good friends. i was in my own personal hell at the time and she wasnt single. it was strange id never had that kind of connection with anyone. hell her and i talked more often than her and her guy at the time. She made me laugh, really laugh for the first time in a long time. Just being near her made me happier than ive ever been. a couple months passed of us being friends, i had actually become friends with her guy too, and i realized i was in love with her. but now she was engaged she was so happy, so i never said anything about how i felt, more than anything i wanted her to be happy.
But as time went on they began drifting apart, she was sure he was cheating on her (in the end he was). she came to me to vent she asked for my advice, i never once told her to leave him or that he was worthless i told her to follow her heart, to do what was best for her. we kept hanging out. then one night about 1am she called me crying. theyd broken up and she wanted someone to talk to so i let her vent. the next few days we hung out i never said anything about how i felt we were both junkies so we got high together. one night while we were smoking and talking she looked me in the eyes and told me she thought she was in love with me, my heart skipped a beat and it took me a minute to collect myself enough to tell her i loved her too and that i had for a long time.
things went pretty well after that we were always together, we took care of each other and were good for each other. She helped quiet all the demons in my head and i truly loved her, still do actually. But in the end i ended up hurting her. ill never be able to forgive myself for that and i lost her. the worst part of my sobriety now is knowing that i could convince her to take me back, to hold the love of my life in my arms again, but i dont deserve her and ill end up hurting her again. so i stay away, and im waiting on my insurance to kick in to get help with my mental health issues. i just hope that one day ill be the man she deserves
Ive had plenty of relationships in my life but only one has ever really meant anything to me. i met her 2 years ago, we immediately clicked, it was like wed know each other for our whole lives. We became extremely good friends. i was in my own personal hell at the time and she wasnt single. it was strange id never had that kind of connection with anyone. hell her and i talked more often than her and her guy at the time. She made me laugh, really laugh for the first time in a long time. Just being near her made me happier than ive ever been. a couple months passed of us being friends, i had actually become friends with her guy too, and i realized i was in love with her. but now she was engaged she was so happy, so i never said anything about how i felt, more than anything i wanted her to be happy.
But as time went on they began drifting apart, she was sure he was cheating on her (in the end he was). she came to me to vent she asked for my advice, i never once told her to leave him or that he was worthless i told her to follow her heart, to do what was best for her. we kept hanging out. then one night about 1am she called me crying. theyd broken up and she wanted someone to talk to so i let her vent. the next few days we hung out i never said anything about how i felt we were both junkies so we got high together. one night while we were smoking and talking she looked me in the eyes and told me she thought she was in love with me, my heart skipped a beat and it took me a minute to collect myself enough to tell her i loved her too and that i had for a long time.
things went pretty well after that we were always together, we took care of each other and were good for each other. She helped quiet all the demons in my head and i truly loved her, still do actually. But in the end i ended up hurting her. ill never be able to forgive myself for that and i lost her. the worst part of my sobriety now is knowing that i could convince her to take me back, to hold the love of my life in my arms again, but i dont deserve her and ill end up hurting her again. so i stay away, and im waiting on my insurance to kick in to get help with my mental health issues. i just hope that one day ill be the man she deserves
