Weed induced anxiety but kept it up for 11 yrs - What chance have I got?

[weedheid]

I started smoking at 14. Before that I was shy and got nervous but was able to cope with it and control my thoughts and reactions rationally. I was flourishing socially and began binge drinking then moved onto weed. It made my anxiety and depression become physically and mentally uncontrollable. Not like where you hear people smoke for years and then suddenly can't because it's starting to make them paranoid and panicky. That was my reaction from the first time and every time after but I didn't take it seriously. Why didn't I stop? Wanting to be cool, thinking weed couldn't have that much of an effect long-term. Enjoying feeling fucked up and playing with my brain. Most people who try weed and it makes them paranoid realise it's not for them.

At 15 I started struggling to read aloud when it was my turn in English class. Voice tremors and unable to breathe properly.

At 16 I had a panic attack when fooling around with a girl.

Went to uni and developed physical tremors and social anxiety.

Panic attacks when smoking or sober, when getting a haircut, ordering a drink, unable to make new friends or get a girlfriend.

Kept smoking though, plus MDMA and mushies. Too stupid and addicted to stop.

Had a full on breakdown at 23 when I convinced myself I had a fatal illness. Got to the point I went on ADs. Came off them. Yep, started smoking again. 25 now and just getting out of another 6 month depression/panic episode triggered by a skunk freak out and ending in more ADs, which just made me worse in the end.

Not a single toke in 5 months and all my anxiety and depression symptoms are still here. Mental and physical. I started a new job hoping I could have a fresh start but I'm already clearly the weirdo there and I can tell my manager is wondering why he hired someone so socially inept.

What have I done to myself? That's the worse part. I'm furious with myself. What chance have I got to be normal? How could I have turned out if I never touched such an insidious drug? I'd have been better off getting hooked on something heavier so that I bottomed out quicker and could have begun recovering instead of taking 11 years of cumulative damage.

I understand my issues were probably already there, or were latent, or I was more predisposed to them but I wish I'd heeded the signs when they first started appearing.

What do I do? I've tried medicine, therapy, exercise... if this is my life for the long run then I may as well go back to drink and drugs.

 

[ShroomySatori]

I don't know what to say. I had very similar problems and in my early 20's had a severe injury and I have had chronic pain in my spine now for 7 years that is unbearable. That was the nail on the coffin for me. I would smoke ungodly amounts of pot, I'm sure it didn't help as I had the same stupid reaction that you have. No idea why I even smoked that shit but I need it now or I freak. I quit for 3 years and everything got much worse for me. I thought the anxiety would go away in time but years later it was much worse.
I have been addicted to heroin, cocaine, and diazepam or clonazepam for several years now as I could not handle all the shit in my life. I think you have a chance so long as you are not drawn into opiates, benzos, or cocaine. All that quitting weed did was fuck me up worse, and I still smoke an ounce a week. It's nothing to me now compared to those other addictions. I picked up opiates and literally did not miss a day for several years non-stop until I ran out of money. Same with cocaine, I will do it until my bank account is dry. If I don't take benzos I will drop dead within a couple of days. I am suicidal as well. I guarantee if you got into any of those drugs you'd get hooked and ruin your life.
Maybe try to make wiser choice and try some natural stuff like valerian and kava. I'm so furious at myself that I plan on jumping off a cliff on my 30th birthday, if I don't OD before then. It can get A LOT worse man.

 

[thujone]

I'm so furious at myself that I plan on jumping off a cliff on my 30th birthday, if I don't OD before then. It can get A LOT worse man.

aw don't do that as long as you're alive things can always turn around, even the possibility of someday living without pain. ime with cocaine it definitely made anxiety worse, i hope you aren't deliberately trashing yourself to justify suicide.

OP, i have a friend in a similar situation and he channels his energy into productive hobbies that give him more self-confidence, but he also claims the psych drugs have really helped so maybe there's something to that too. i've heard from others with anxiety issues that they ended up having to try a number of different psych drug regimens before finding one that made them feel normal. exercise should help for sure but it may also be worth trying to engage with your doctor and/or a psychologist again and see if they have other ideas to try.

 

[~QuirKyNai~]

I would suggest trying cbd..Hemp CBD is legal in all 50 states..
But of u live in a recreational mj state or have a card,or "know somebody"..the best CBC is extracted from actual Cannabis plants,not Hemp plants..the are very low THC,high cbd mj strains that can be used smoked,but best for extracting the highCBD/lowTHC profile u may benefit greatly from.
I believe its best to get a full spectrum CBC.Because Mother Nature meant for all the cannabinoids to be used in harmony....now if the world can take an example from THAT!..and HARMONIZE,instead of divide..we'd all be good,chill,righteous ppl!

 

[Londonscouser]

If it helps, which it probably won't, but I'm in pretty much the same position. I was also maybe a little shy before i started smoking at 16, however I was also really social...

I guess this is the result of us not heeding the warning signs as body/brain was giving us...

I think 95% of people would of stopped early on after seeing negative effects, but people like me and you just decided to live with it

 

[Londonscouser]

Social anxiety + physical tremors yes..

I also got emotional numbness, lack of pleasure from previously-enjoyable activities etc

 

[Mafioso]

In the long run, most drugs are only going to make your problems worse and exacerbate your symptoms. Clearly they haven't helped you..

What sort of things do you find triggering your anxiety?

What type of therapy did you receive and for how long? Was it before or after you stopped smoking and using drugs?

Based on your post, it sounds like you are underdeveloped socially and have a lot of anxiety and fear relating to it. Thinking of yourself as a freak or a broken person will only serve to make things worse. It is a long, endless path to self-acceptance, but sounds like one you need to begin the journey on. You really can't truly love and appreciate others if you do not love yourself.

Drugs can and will affect the way a brain develops, and using drugs at an age from a young age probably kept you from developing a lot of social skills. Adolescent is a time of not only major physical development and changes but also major behavioral development and changes. The brain continues to develop into the mid to late 20's for most people.

I think that everyone is normal in their own sense because everyone is different. Everyone grows and develops differently. We all have our own struggles and shortcommings along with our strengths. You can overcome struggles with practice and daily effort, often they take years to overcome rather than months or days. You can strengthen your weaknesses in the same way.

Things like diet and exercises are not cures or quick fixes. They may improve your situation and health overtime, but likely are not a cure. Proper nutrition can ensure that your body has what it needs to make the needed neurotransmitters and exercise can help stimulate activity of neurotransmitters. They won't cure loneliness or sadness but they may make you more capable of processing it and managing it. It is easier to be confident when you feel good about the way you look as well, but confidence shouldn't be solely based in physical appearance.

Good therapy or counseling should not only help you better understand why you think and feel the way you do, but also help you to find solutions and actions that can be taken. Just understanding that you have anxiety related to social events due to fear of rejection doesn't really help you if you don't know what to do about it. A counselor or therapist should be able to help guide you to action, whether it is simple as facing your fear or more complex, like understanding automatic thoughts and learning to correct them. It is not a quick fix or all inclusive solution either, it is something to help you along the path of self improvement. It may take many months or years, and it will require a lot of effort and action on your behalf.

5 months is a short time compared to 11 years.. try to stay positive and hopeful, a positive mindset can really go a long ways..

 

[HJ420]

I'm so furious at myself that I plan on jumping off a cliff on my 30th birthday, if I don't OD before then. It can get A LOT worse man

Please, I really hope you didn't mean this. Life can still be lived completely sober. thujone is correct that it can also one day be without any pain or illness. Cannabis can help those who are addicted to many substances (polydrug). The key is learning your own level of consumption over time. Please understand that moderation is always key. Take a deep breath and everything will be ok man. You are alive now and you have the power to make a positive impact on the world so use it