November Getting/Staying Clean/Sober Thread, v Holiday Gatherings & Dazed Blatherings

[Tubbs]

i'm sorry to hear that cj.

 

[Runningfox]

Sorry to hear you folks had a rotten day. Mine was blah-- middle of the road -- but certainly could've been uglier. I have no right to complain.

I have personally been dealing with incredible anxiety. Now this is a condition I was able to wrangle in the past and gain control over. I'm startin to wonder whether I have Forgotten the coping skills? Or if (because admittedly this is a very different brand of anxiety from what I had suffered a few years past; in that-- i was afraid for myself and my Own welfare then. I am afraid at present for the welfare of OTHERS. . Suffice it to say it is a situation over which I do not have and cannot gain any kind of control).

So I'm sittin here scared outta my brain for what Could happen; what can happen; what might happen; what I'm praying allllllll the time shall not happen.

I get short of breath. My heart races. I sit and stare instead of sleeping. I do not feel at peace. It's horrendously difficult to make simple day-to-day decisions. . .

The one half-way reassuring part is that this anxiety (seems ) centered around one particular event coming up soon. Being "situational" in that regard it stands to reason that once that event has come to pass, my heart-speedin breath-catchin sleep-stealin disgustingly puke-inducing fears should finally pass as well.

I cannot tolerate benzodiazepines; the weaker anxiolytics (benadryl or visteral ) render no effects but a dry mouth and an oogey feeling for a day or two. No thanks.

So I guess I'm diggin deep for that skill set I used to possess, in conquering Horrid Anxiety.
I ain't finding it.

 

[Tubbs]

anxiety is a hell of a thing. i've been having nightmares again, remembering some of the shit i've done. and all of the horrible things i've seen. Had a dream of my best friend last night... it felt like he was right there sitting next to me it felt more real than anything has in a long time... and hes been dead since 2012. old memories really getting to me this week

 

[Runningfox]

Maybe you have PTSD
I have no experience with that except seeing my father live with it. Untreated. He did all right until it all rushed at him towards end -of-life. Even then it could have been worse. Perhaps there's decent treatment? Personally I have little faith in mental health treatment these days; at LEAST where I live in upper Midwest USA.

I'm sorry you suffer that way.
I've had some experience with nightmares / flashbacks myself, though I've had it pretty easy as compared to some. Not too many traumas in my life, gratefully.

I cannot WAIT for this event to pass and Hell -pray none of my .... reasonable yet irrational fears manifest into any kind of reality.
The event takes place in eight days. My anxiety seems to ramp up at night (naturally, when the mind and body are accustomed to relaxing and cant. ..)

I intentionally breathe deeply.
Positive self-talk. .
Remove myself from media / devices/ external stimulus for a good hour prior to lights-out.
(Personally ) I pray to a well-known n popular Lord.
What else can I do?


I don't verbally talk about all this nervousness n fear too much;
Those closest to me in whom I might normally confide such things are either Dealing with their own stressors n concerns right now ORRRRRR they're even more vulnerable to anxiety than myself and/ or are Directly involved in the Event that is comimg up, and I do not wish to trigger their insecurities or ruin what might be a perfectly safe, great day.

I know I'm being vague but that's for the sake of anonymity. You never know who among your own people, May be BL regulars as well.

I hope the others in my life are not suffering this horrific feeling of anxiety as I am.

 

[Tubbs]

im also in the midwest. closer to st louis though. so like you said no faith in the mental health field here, not close enough to st louis to justify going into the city. and yes i do believe its ptsd ive been dealing with it for years so its nothing new, just hitting me hard lately. i wish you good luck in dealing with your anxiety.

 

[Captain.Heroin]

Yeah today was fucking awful

What's wrong?

 

[Captain.Heroin]

Sorry to hear you folks had a rotten day. Mine was blah-- middle of the road -- but certainly could've been uglier. I have no right to complain.

I have personally been dealing with incredible anxiety. Now this is a condition I was able to wrangle in the past and gain control over. I'm startin to wonder whether I have Forgotten the coping skills? Or if (because admittedly this is a very different brand of anxiety from what I had suffered a few years past; in that-- i was afraid for myself and my Own welfare then. I am afraid at present for the welfare of OTHERS. . Suffice it to say it is a situation over which I do not have and cannot gain any kind of control).

So I'm sittin here scared outta my brain for what Could happen; what can happen; what might happen; what I'm praying allllllll the time shall not happen.

I get short of breath. My heart races. I sit and stare instead of sleeping. I do not feel at peace. It's horrendously difficult to make simple day-to-day decisions. . .

The one half-way reassuring part is that this anxiety (seems ) centered around one particular event coming up soon. Being "situational" in that regard it stands to reason that once that event has come to pass, my heart-speedin breath-catchin sleep-stealin disgustingly puke-inducing fears should finally pass as well.

I cannot tolerate benzodiazepines; the weaker anxiolytics (benadryl or visteral ) render no effects but a dry mouth and an oogey feeling for a day or two. No thanks.

So I guess I'm diggin deep for that skill set I used to possess, in conquering Horrid Anxiety.
I ain't finding it.

Reading a good book can help. Sometimes I go and do something, knowing it's going to stress me out, just to feel better after/accomplished for having done it.

Can you go for a short walk?

 

[fabriclondon]

^^^Thanks for that post, Captain. I had an important phone call to return that I had put off for too long. I read your post and decided to man up and make the call and now I feel so much better.

There's a term in pychology called "chronic avoidance". Not dealing with life issues, past issues etc. I like that term better than 'procrastination', it has more urgency to it. That's a big issue for me that I'm working on.

Day 6 here. Wooohoooo!

 

[Captain.Heroin]

^^^Thanks for that post, Captain. I had an important phone call to return that I had put off for too long. I read your post and decided to man up and make the call and now I feel so much better.

There's a term in pychology called "chronic avoidance". Not dealing with life issues, past issues etc. I like that term better than 'procrastination', it has more urgency to it. That's a big issue for me that I'm working on.

Day 6 here. Wooohoooo!

You're welcome, but which post are you referring to?

I tend not to procrastinate about things.

 

[fabriclondon]

^^^^The post where you wrote..
"..Sometimes I go and do something, knowing it's going to stress me out, just to feel better after/accomplished for having done it."

It just gave me a push to do something I was putting off because I knew I would feel better having accomplished the task.

 

[Runningfox]

Captain -- actually about an hour ago my spouse offered (as he's got a few free hours today) if I wanna go get the haircut I've been missing every chance at lately. But I declined. I've already got a project for this afternoon . It will take several hours but keep me busy.

I think perhaps tomorrow I can do the hair shop gig as well as hit the *good* library in a nearby town. (I have one here but it's pretty skimpy). Definitely need a new book to get into while I'm waiting for Dec 5 th release of the new sigma force novel by Rollins.

Anything that keeps me busy/ distracted of course helps the Creepies stay at bay. Evenings are the low point: when there's nothing going on and I'm sitting here in a puddle of my thoughts. Yuck!

 

[cj]

What's wrong?

Just a bunch of things piled up too make yesterday suck. Had a doctor's visit where I felt ignored. My family was being unreasonable about some things. The main thing was I got hot with a random ua at the clinic the day after I took a .5 kpin so I'm probably going to lose my takehomes which will cause drama because the clinic applied for me to have special week long take out privileges for a family vacation. So I'll have to guest dose instead which is going to cause a bunch of questions that I'll have to answer and decide how truthful I want to be which is anxiety inducing as is. I'm trying to be zen about the whole deal but I just feel the deck is stacked up against me. Like it's hard to be perfect all the time. And it seems like people care more about failure then they do success

 

[Runningfox]

^^ CJ
I've never been involved in a dosing clinic but I have garnered an understanding of how it works, by all the dif BL users who are involved with such clinics.

Dang I was afraid that might happen with the tiny useless kpin dose you regretted immediately after using. It's almost like it was some stupid cosmic Test, I dunno if I even believe in such things but you know what I mean. My heart jumped into my throat when I read you were offered one n popped it without too much prep.

Damn. Ain't that the way shit always falls? And I understand fully your hesitation in being 100% truthful ; either on clinic questionaires or family interrogations. I never wanna advise folks to be dishonest. I will say that being truthful has bitten me in the ass far too often....
These days my policy, instead of "deny, deny, deny" is more a SYSTEM. it goes like this:

1) i say as Near To the truth as I'm able, without hurting my own chances to advance.

2) I harm no others with what I say. If a partial truth or lie is gonna hurt someone else I either be honest regardless what it costs me or I shut the fuck up and say nothing.

3) I try n gauge "what's the other party gonna Do With my truth if I spill it? " this portion counts most because let's say it's a chat with a one on one counsellor. I could tell ALL; however I need to remind myself (if this person is connected with my meds provider or a law enforcement person) that they are indeed allowed to disclose some of my babble.

Another side of the above coin. Let's say it's a judgmental family member. Demanding (you know how they all dooooooo) to know this or that. I have to think FIRST : how might they use this against me? Or what might they Twist my response into, to suit their own purposes? It blows that these things must be considered yet in reality they DO .

Honesty to yourself IS truly the only 100% honesty I think a person needs to have.

 

[Grinders Kiefers]

Hi guys, haven't been around for a couple months. I was hit by a car while crossing the street on September 11th, where I fractured both knees as well as my nose and sacrum. I spent two months in the hospital and a rehab facility, returning home on November 10th. It was an extremely harrowing experience, one that taught me a lot about myself and that I'm grateful as hell to have gotten through. I'm still healing physically, but at least I'm back at home and able to live some semblance of a normal life. It really struck me how much support I have during this time of crisis - I had probably three dozen visitors throughout my stay, most of who I know from the recovery scene. I can't say I would have had more than 5 visitors had this happened at any other time in my life. I know quantity isn't necessarily the best indicator of support - perhaps those 5 people that I would have had are more quality friends/support than the rest - but it really meant a lot that so many people would go out of their way to come visit me in my time of need. I even had about 7-8 people come to bring me an NA meeting at some point, seeing as I couldn't even stand much less get up and attend one in town.

I was given dilaudid, fentanyl and Oxycodone in the hospital, and the latter in the rehab facility for the duration. Being clean and wanting to remain so, this posed a conflict and threat to my recovery. I talked it over with a dozen or so people while it was happening, including my NA sponsor and other trusted NA members who I call upon for support. They assured me that this didn't count as a relapse, that I legitimately need this medicine for pain relief and shouldn't feel ashamed or guilty for needing to take a substance for its actual intended purpose, despite the known risks and consequences. I was sent home with about 40 x 5mg Oxycodone on November 10th, and have been taking them as prescribed (3x a day, every 6 hours) since then. I've had friends come over pretty much every day to help me count how many pills I have left, and this method has worked well for me thus far. I'm down to about 10 pills, and I'll be relieved when they're all gone, simply so I don't have to go through the mental and emotional anguish that comes from taking opioids. Even though the pain is real and my need to be medicated is valid, it's true what they say that the brain doesn't know the difference between taking a drug for medicinal or recreational purposes. As soon as I feel the effects of the drug I want more, yet I know that I can't. All the justifications in the world won't change my desire to be clean today.

I celebrated one year clean on October 30th, and I know in my heart that taking pain medication doesn't change or lessen all the work I've put in before, during and after this experience; I won't let anyone tell me otherwise.

That being said, I have felt extremely depressed this weekend. Before the accident, I had been spending time with a guy, also in recovery, and things had started to heat up. We began hanging out platonically, and I told him that I had set a boundary against hooking up with/forming a romantic relationship with men/women in recovery. Despite this boundary, there was a strong mental/emotional connection from the first time we met, and very obvious physical/sexual chemistry. It took maybe 4-5 times hanging out in public and around town before things turned physical/sexual. This was maybe a week or two before the accident, and I had begun to have strong feelings for him, which I believe were reciprocal. He visited me in the hospital, and I felt like it was the beginning of something beautiful. It's not very often that I feel such a strong connection towards anyone, and the fact that he thought enough to visit and spend time with me while I was hurt really meant a lot.

We were speaking on the phone one day, and afterwards he sent me a long text explaining that he was becoming too attached and had to disengage from our relationship. I thanked him and said I hoped we could talk more later. I called a few days later and my number had been blocked, and he had removed me as a friend on Facebook. I didn't feel much at the time, considering the circumstances, and how heavily medicated I was. I figured he was taking time for himself, and felt glad that he was willing to take care of his own needs. I talked about it a little to a few friends during the end of my stay at the hospital, and into the first week or so of my stay at the rehab facility, but mostly kept it out of mind after that. Since being home, I've felt this overwhelming urge to reach out to him, to get some kind of closure on "us". I think because of where I was, physically and mentally, I wasn't able to feel my emotions very deeply, and they had been way below the surface until I was able to spend some time alone and in my own space. It all sort of came to a head on Friday, when I reached out to a friend and explained what was going on. I ended the phone call, put on some sad music and cried for about 20 minutes straight. Since then, I've felt these lingering emotions, a longing and desire to be close to him, and inability to accept what has happened, emotionally. Logically, I am glad that he's taking care of himself, and want him to do whatever he thinks is best, yet it still hurts that he chose to end communication the way he did, without me getting a chance to say anything about how I felt or how the decision would affect me. I really want to talk to or see him, but I know in my current state that my desires are selfish, only seeking to relieve my anxiety around this uncertain and insecure time.

I'm hopeful that somehow our paths will cross again, and that I can be in a healthier state of mind and better equipped to see things from a more objective and rational place, instead of all the grief and sorrow I'm currently wading in. I'm not sure if this is something worth holding on to, or if I should just let go altogether. The thought of never seeing him again really hurts. It's hard to believe that I could feel such a strong connection towards someone who I don't know that well - it's really striking me how much I had invested emotionally in this person, or maybe just the idea of him, and how it's affecting me now. I've felt totally down in the dumps the past two days, even after having a big emotional release on Friday. I was able to get out and see friends all day yesterday, but today I could barely get out of bed or talk to anyone. I'm hoping that by writing this out I'll have a better understanding of where I'm at, and what it's going to take to move on. It really hurts right now, but I know it won't feel that way forever. I have to keep reminding myself that I'm not fixing the problem by staying in my head, and that suffering is a result of wanting things to be different than they are. It sucks right now, it really fucking sucks. Still really sad.

 

[LucidSDreamr]

That's a rough story. You are a very strong person to not relapse after that. It also shows the utility of having a group of supporters in recovery to help stay on track. It's kind of an inspiration for me to finally go get involved in a meeting (the one I've been eyeing is tomorrow) because I know I would've decended into full on abuse and played the injury to get stronger drugs.

I wouldn't worry about the romantic interest you lost...he sounds like a bad person to block you during your traumatic injury, even if he didn't want to get involved with you that doesn't mean he had to abandon you as a friend, as you two weren't that involved yet anyways.

Best wishes for a full recovery

 

[cj]

Hi guys, haven't been around for a couple months. I was hit by a car while crossing the street on September 11th, where I fractured both knees as well as my nose and sacrum. I spent two months in the hospital and a rehab facility, returning home on November 10th. It was an extremely harrowing experience, one that taught me a lot about myself and that I'm grateful as hell to have gotten through. I'm still healing physically, but at least I'm back at home and able to live some semblance of a normal life. It really struck me how much support I have during this time of crisis - I had probably three dozen visitors throughout my stay, most of who I know from the recovery scene. I can't say I would have had more than 5 visitors had this happened at any other time in my life. I know quantity isn't necessarily the best indicator of support - perhaps those 5 people that I would have had are more quality friends/support than the rest - but it really meant a lot that so many people would go out of their way to come visit me in my time of need. I even had about 7-8 people come to bring me an NA meeting at some point, seeing as I couldn't even stand much less get up and attend one in town.

I was given dilaudid, fentanyl and Oxycodone in the hospital, and the latter in the rehab facility for the duration. Being clean and wanting to remain so, this posed a conflict and threat to my recovery. I talked it over with a dozen or so people while it was happening, including my NA sponsor and other trusted NA members who I call upon for support. They assured me that this didn't count as a relapse, that I legitimately need this medicine for pain relief and shouldn't feel ashamed or guilty for needing to take a substance for its actual intended purpose, despite the known risks and consequences. I was sent home with about 40 x 5mg Oxycodone on November 10th, and have been taking them as prescribed (3x a day, every 6 hours) since then. I've had friends come over pretty much every day to help me count how many pills I have left, and this method has worked well for me thus far. I'm down to about 10 pills, and I'll be relieved when they're all gone, simply so I don't have to go through the mental and emotional anguish that comes from taking opioids. Even though the pain is real and my need to be medicated is valid, it's true what they say that the brain doesn't know the difference between taking a drug for medicinal or recreational purposes. As soon as I feel the effects of the drug I want more, yet I know that I can't. All the justifications in the world won't change my desire to be clean today.

I celebrated one year clean on October 30th, and I know in my heart that taking pain medication doesn't change or lessen all the work I've put in before, during and after this experience; I won't let anyone tell me otherwise.

That being said, I have felt extremely depressed this weekend. Before the accident, I had been spending time with a guy, also in recovery, and things had started to heat up. We began hanging out platonically, and I told him that I had set a boundary against hooking up with/forming a romantic relationship with men/women in recovery. Despite this boundary, there was a strong mental/emotional connection from the first time we met, and very obvious physical/sexual chemistry. It took maybe 4-5 times hanging out in public and around town before things turned physical/sexual. This was maybe a week or two before the accident, and I had begun to have strong feelings for him, which I believe were reciprocal. He visited me in the hospital, and I felt like it was the beginning of something beautiful. It's not very often that I feel such a strong connection towards anyone, and the fact that he thought enough to visit and spend time with me while I was hurt really meant a lot.

We were speaking on the phone one day, and afterwards he sent me a long text explaining that he was becoming too attached and had to disengage from our relationship. I thanked him and said I hoped we could talk more later. I called a few days later and my number had been blocked, and he had removed me as a friend on Facebook. I didn't feel much at the time, considering the circumstances, and how heavily medicated I was. I figured he was taking time for himself, and felt glad that he was willing to take care of his own needs. I talked about it a little to a few friends during the end of my stay at the hospital, and into the first week or so of my stay at the rehab facility, but mostly kept it out of mind after that. Since being home, I've felt this overwhelming urge to reach out to him, to get some kind of closure on "us". I think because of where I was, physically and mentally, I wasn't able to feel my emotions very deeply, and they had been way below the surface until I was able to spend some time alone and in my own space. It all sort of came to a head on Friday, when I reached out to a friend and explained what was going on. I ended the phone call, put on some sad music and cried for about 20 minutes straight. Since then, I've felt these lingering emotions, a longing and desire to be close to him, and inability to accept what has happened, emotionally. Logically, I am glad that he's taking care of himself, and want him to do whatever he thinks is best, yet it still hurts that he chose to end communication the way he did, without me getting a chance to say anything about how I felt or how the decision would affect me. I really want to talk to or see him, but I know in my current state that my desires are selfish, only seeking to relieve my anxiety around this uncertain and insecure time.

I'm hopeful that somehow our paths will cross again, and that I can be in a healthier state of mind and better equipped to see things from a more objective and rational place, instead of all the grief and sorrow I'm currently wading in. I'm not sure if this is something worth holding on to, or if I should just let go altogether. The thought of never seeing him again really hurts. It's hard to believe that I could feel such a strong connection towards someone who I don't know that well - it's really striking me how much I had invested emotionally in this person, or maybe just the idea of him, and how it's affecting me now. I've felt totally down in the dumps the past two days, even after having a big emotional release on Friday. I was able to get out and see friends all day yesterday, but today I could barely get out of bed or talk to anyone. I'm hoping that by writing this out I'll have a better understanding of where I'm at, and what it's going to take to move on. It really hurts right now, but I know it won't feel that way forever. I have to keep reminding myself that I'm not fixing the problem by staying in my head, and that suffering is a result of wanting things to be different than they are. It sucks right now, it really fucking sucks. Still really sad.

That guy sounds like a dick. Blocking someone after a traumatic injury is a shitty thing to do even if he didn't want a sexual relationship with you. I think it's better you found his true colors now before things progressed

 

[tired of crap]

I stumbled across this article on self care today and figured Id share it.

https://thoughtcatalog.com/brianna-...se-its-not-all-salt-baths-and-chocolate-cake/

 

[cyberius]

Life is just a mixed up confusing mess lately . I seriously have no expectations and even try to keep my hopes very small. My goals barely exist and are recognized as Long-term Possibilities.

If I attempt to function any other way, than described above-- i am crushingly disappointed.

You said it. Which drug are you coming off of?

-----------------------------------------------------------------------

48ish days sober

The more times you say no when you really want to the more you come back. I think we naturally lose any ability to hold back our impulses as addiction begins to sweep us off our feet. I can only tell I'm getting better because I really really REALY want to give up and snort shit off my floor.

 

[Mafioso]

going to be the first thanksgiving I'll be sober at in 10 years. I quit going to family functions like thanksgiving dinner a few years ago and resided to getting as fucked up as possible with anyone who was also avoiding family. I'm a little nervous about it, all my family knows and even though they have been kind if not supportive as well, I still feel guilty and fear judgement. Trying to think positively about it though, hoping it will be good to be part of the family again.

 

[tired of crap]

I can relate to wanting to avoid family get togethers but as I have a wee one the family always insisted. It was usually horribly awkward as Id want to be wasted and I typically wouldnt want to set such a poor example in front of my daughter. However, there were a few times where I was simply to self absorbed and proceeded to make a fool of myself (either at home or with my partner to drive home afterwards).

While my family is mostly supportive theyre also.... quite critical and impromptu amateur comedians (not literally) and this can be quite difficult to be around at times - which usually elicits cravings, not to mention theyre all quite lush themselves.

So anticipating this I chose to get proper stoned (my definition of sober is slightly liberal) for Thanksgiving back in october, were canadian eh. And while theyre sitting around downing theyre drinks in the livingroom Im helping my Grandma in the kitchen and I can hear them talking about me being obviously stoned. I looked in the mirror and got an "oh shit he can hear and now hes looking"..... And Im to have them all here for Christmas. Haha my house, my rules

So although its not much, know that youre not alone this holiday season. This can be a difficult time for a lot of us. Stay strong folks