Will i ever be able to control my opiate use again

[Ganja Gremlin]

For 5 years I used prescription painkillers recreactionally and never got as bad with my use as I am now , or experienced withdrawal. Ever since June of this year my use escalated at first was just 3-4 times a week, rarely ever two days in a row, I kept this up for a while till it turned to 4-5 days a week. Then I was always going on week or 2 week long binges and struggling not to use everyday inbetween . I am currently sick as fuck after a 9 day binge .... still somewhere in the back of my mind try to convince myself that I don't have a problem with oxycodone. Even though most days it's the first thing I think about when I wake up . I'm on day 4 of withdrawal and I don't want to go back to how much i was using before . I'm in college and spend a ridiculous amount of money on opiates. I don't want to give it up completely, I just want to go back to using 2-3 times a week like I use to... i get a regular prescription for lorazapam now so I'm hoping that I can use that to help me get through the last days of these withdrawals and then continue to use them to distract myself from opiates and just for their perscribed reason as well
I don't know how I let myself get into this mess.. I've spent thousands of dollars that I don't have.
I'm sick of feeling like my life is ruled by some stupid pill. yes I'm somewhat dependant on my anxiety meds but I honestly need them for anxiety and the opiates is literally just to get high and numb my emotional pain
I'd like to take my lorazapam 4 days out of the week and use opiates 2- 3 days . Is there any chance I really would be able to cut down my use again realistically ... is it actually true that once you start getting sick it really is never the same

 

[chief ten beers]

For 5 years I used prescription painkillers recreactionally and never got as bad with my use as I am now , or experienced withdrawal. Ever since June of this year my use escalated at first was just 3-4 times a week, rarely ever two days in a row, I kept this up for a while till it turned to 4-5 days a week. Then I was always going on week or 2 week long binges and struggling not to use everyday inbetween . I am currently sick as fuck after a 9 day binge .... still somewhere in the back of my mind try to convince myself that I don't have a problem with oxycodone. Even though most days it's the first thing I think about when I wake up . I'm on day 4 of withdrawal and I don't want to go back to how much i was using before . I'm in college and spend a ridiculous amount of money on opiates. I don't want to give it up completely, I just want to go back to using 2-3 times a week like I use to... i get a regular prescription for lorazapam now so I'm hoping that I can use that to help me get through the last days of these withdrawals and then continue to use them to distract myself from opiates and just for their perscribed reason as well
I don't know how I let myself get into this mess.. I've spent thousands of dollars that I don't have.
I'm sick of feeling like my life is ruled by some stupid pill. yes I'm somewhat dependant on my anxiety meds but I honestly need them for anxiety and the opiates is literally just to get high and numb my emotional pain
I'd like to take my lorazapam 4 days out of the week and use opiates 2- 3 days . Is there any chance I really would be able to cut down my use again realistically ... is it actually true that once you start getting sick it really is never the same

I hear ya, I've been off oxycodone for a little over a month now and have been depressed as hell ever since. My mental energy has been terrible, just filled with regret and pain, no motivation. I really need to get motivated as I'm relocating and have a lot to do, yet I just stare and my list of things to do and boxes and do nothing. So even though I said I was done with the blue devil for good, I'm almost thinking of using again for a short spurt just to get done what I need to do. I realize that on the other side of that is probably more withdrawal and perhaps even worse depression. But I don't know what else to do, I've found nothing else that helps me get get stuff done and get motivated then oxycodone. It's unfortunate that after a very good year of using it and getting so much accomplished I met it's dark side, and how dark that side is! So I'm faced with a dilemma, a short period of using again and face the consequences later, or try to push through without availing myself to it's seducing pull. I almost forgot how devastated I was during withdrawal and it's now whispering to me to just use it for a short spurt and everything will be alright. The other side of this too is the oxy helped me stay off the booze, and since I've been so depressed I started drinking again. Which is almost worst imo, because it's not only an expensive vise but also hard to get anything done...except more drinking. As much as I don't think it would be a good idea to use it again, I may use again for a short time and deal with the consequences later, i haven't decided yet though. But I know exactly what you are struggling with GG. Once your brain is rewired from the oxy it is so hard not to go back to it, there is no drug I've ever tried that made me feel so good, and yet able to be so remain so functional. Opiates put a life long stamp on your life, and your brain. I now can hardly function well without them, that really sucks. I've also got a script for hydrocodone which I've been using just to ward off some of the back pain and depression, but it isn't even close to oxy. Yep opiates are a life long struggle once you introduce them into your life, there's no easy way out of that club, you are not alone.

 

[Xorkoth]

In my own experience, once I developed a problem with opiates, I always had the same problem. I was addicted for 10 years, during that time I quit completely once for almost 8 months, I felt good without them too. Then I gave in and did some on my birthday and 2 days later I was doing it again, then it quickly progressed to daily and before long I was worse off than I was before I quit, the addiction picked back up where it left off. I also got physically dependent again after only a few times because I'd been dependent so many times before.

I eventually, about 4 years ago, got to the point where I stopped wanting opiates (I did ibogaine), and I realized my only solution is to never touch another opiate. But I've come to peace with that and it's not a struggle anymore. It would be cool to feel that feeling again but in no way is it even remotely worth the cost, so I don't consider it an option.

I have a friend who used to be a heroin addict really bad, and got past it, and for years he would very occasionally shoot oxys. One time he got a gram of that U-44770 research chemical opiate and used it compulsively til it was gone. His wife died from an opiate OD a little while ago and since then he decided he'll never do another opiate. He said during the times he'd have them it would be a few days in a row and then nothing for 6 months. He said he still felt like he was playing with fire because every time he'd do it and run out, he'd have intense cravings for a few weeks. But he wouldn't give himself access and he'd be fine, but he said it was dangerous and he felt like he shouldn't be doing it.

 

[Ganja Gremlin]

You are not alone either my friend, that is one of the main reasons I love oxy because of how well I am able to function on it and how outgoing and motivated it makes me me feel. But I really am realizing I'm at the point with my use where if i keep going on binges like I am that my life is really gonna go in the wrong direction, I had an extra 3-4 thousand dollars this summer so money hasn't been an issue really untill now and I feel so stupid because I'm only 18 and for a little bit I had a decent little amount of money saved up for someone my age and now I'm back to living paycheck to paycheck ... It was fun while it lasted but now i need to get my life back into control , maybe it's a long shot that I'll be able to go back to using in moderation but for so long i was able to do that so a girl can dream I guess :/

So glad you've been able to get off the oxys but be careful with the Vicodin because it's still an opiate and you can become dependent

 

[Lost_Vet]

For 5 years I used prescription painkillers recreactionally and never got as bad with my use as I am now , or experienced withdrawal. Ever since June of this year my use escalated at first was just 3-4 times a week, rarely ever two days in a row, I kept this up for a while till it turned to 4-5 days a week. Then I was always going on week or 2 week long binges and struggling not to use everyday inbetween . I am currently sick as fuck after a 9 day binge .... still somewhere in the back of my mind try to convince myself that I don't have a problem with oxycodone. Even though most days it's the first thing I think about when I wake up . I'm on day 4 of withdrawal and I don't want to go back to how much i was using before . I'm in college and spend a ridiculous amount of money on opiates. I don't want to give it up completely, I just want to go back to using 2-3 times a week like I use to... i get a regular prescription for lorazapam now so I'm hoping that I can use that to help me get through the last days of these withdrawals and then continue to use them to distract myself from opiates and just for their perscribed reason as well
I don't know how I let myself get into this mess.. I've spent thousands of dollars that I don't have.
I'm sick of feeling like my life is ruled by some stupid pill. yes I'm somewhat dependant on my anxiety meds but I honestly need them for anxiety and the opiates is literally just to get high and numb my emotional pain
I'd like to take my lorazapam 4 days out of the week and use opiates 2- 3 days . Is there any chance I really would be able to cut down my use again realistically ... is it actually true that once you start getting sick it really is never the same

You should check out the tapering thread as there is all sorts of advice and help for cutting back and quitting. Good luck to you.

LV

 

[Mafioso]

My question would be what is going to keep you from losing control and going back to addictive use that is spiraling out of control?

It sounds like you understand the consequences related to your use... it also sounds like despite experiencing negative consequences related to your use and understanding the relation that you weren't able to maintain control, so what is going to be different this time?

I'm not sure what mechanism causes someone to lose control.. I would think it is many factors that are physiological, psychological and social. Physiologically, drugs rewire the brain causing the user to crave a drug like they would food or sex, sometimes even more so. Psychologically, drugs become not only a reward but also a coping mechanism. I know I used not only when I wanted to feel good but also when I didn't want to feel bad. At some point I also started to disregard the negative consequences and charge recklessly into my addiction. I think once you develop that sort of mentality it is very easy to fall back into the mindset and pattern. Socially we are ostracized by many and congregate with others who share similar struggles and problems. It's very easy to fall back into old relationship patterns that support or encourage addictive use, or relationship patterns that leave use feeling hurt.

I came really close to relapsing today. My family life is very frustrating and a lot of shit is going on. Found out a lot of my stuff has been sold by someone who I thought was a friend and it was allowed by a family member. Fucked up shit... and in my attempts to deal with it I really wanted to get high and knew someone who had the drugs. I was telling myself only once, but at the same time I noticed that just giving into the urge to use once brought back a lot of old feelings and ideals that I held when using recklessly. It was sort of a reckless abandon feeling. Using once may not be the end of my recovery, but then again, it all began with one use and spiraled from there.

 

[Ganja Gremlin]

My question would be what is going to keep you from losing control and going back to addictive use that is spiraling out of control?

It sounds like you understand the consequences related to your use... it also sounds like despite experiencing negative consequences related to your use and understanding the relation that you weren't able to maintain control, so what is going to be different this time?

I'm not sure what mechanism causes someone to lose control.. I would think it is many factors that are physiological, psychological and social. Physiologically, drugs rewire the brain causing the user to crave a drug like they would food or sex, sometimes even more so. Psychologically, drugs become not only a reward but also a coping mechanism. I know I used not only when I wanted to feel good but also when I didn't want to feel bad. At some point I also started to disregard the negative consequences and charge recklessly into my addiction. I think once you develop that sort of mentality it is very easy to fall back into the mindset and pattern. Socially we are ostracized by many and congregate with others who share similar struggles and problems. It's very easy to fall back into old relationship patterns that support or encourage addictive use, or relationship patterns that leave use feeling hurt.

I came really close to relapsing today. My family life is very frustrating and a lot of shit is going on. Found out a lot of my stuff has been sold by someone who I thought was a friend and it was allowed by a family member. Fucked up shit... and in my attempts to deal with it I really wanted to get high and knew someone who had the drugs. I was telling myself only once, but at the same time I noticed that just giving into the urge to use once brought back a lot of old feelings and ideals that I held when using recklessly. It was sort of a reckless abandon feeling. Using once may not be the end of my recovery, but then again, it all began with one use and spiraled from there.

Well I mean one factor i guess would be I that I went through my savings account so I really don't have the money to go on long binges like this again , a huge part of the reason why I was doing it so much is cause I could afford it

I'm currently on day 6 free from opiates and am actually really proud of myself , I think I've made it through the worst of the withdrawl but now the only issue is I get paid tomorrow and I keep telling myself I should buy more and try not to binge again. Money is a huge motivating factor for me cutting down though... I know it's not much but I'm only 18 and I had saved up almost 4000 dollars before this summer and for a college student that's pretty decent. I'm so mad at myself for spending so much on opiates , my bank account balence makes me want to cry now .I am back to square one .
Idk I'm just scared I will never be able to find happiness without some sort of substance. The opiate high is just so satisfying for me for some reason ... no other drug hits the spot the same.

 

[herbavore]

I am back to square one .
Idk I'm just scared I will never be able to find happiness without some sort of substance.

Square one is not a bad place to be. New start. Different direction. The fear that you will not find happiness without a drug is understandable. Most people get taught how to be unhappy in this world (unhealthy family systems, unhealthy use of religious doctrine, unhealthy culture, healthy capitalsim/consumerism); most of us never learn how to even perceive happiness, let alone create it on our own. So, back at the square one of yourself, you have the opportunity to explore that. How have your perceptions been misled by the larger world outside of you? Did you need a drug when you were 5? Probably not. What got lost? What got piled on that you never knowingly signed up for?

 

[Xorkoth]

Well I mean one factor i guess would be I that I went through my savings account so I really don't have the money to go on long binges like this again , a huge part of the reason why I was doing it so much is cause I could afford it

I'm currently on day 6 free from opiates and am actually really proud of myself , I think I've made it through the worst of the withdrawl but now the only issue is I get paid tomorrow and I keep telling myself I should buy more and try not to binge again. Money is a huge motivating factor for me cutting down though... I know it's not much but I'm only 18 and I had saved up almost 4000 dollars before this summer and for a college student that's pretty decent. I'm so mad at myself for spending so much on opiates , my bank account balence makes me want to cry now .I am back to square one .
Idk I'm just scared I will never be able to find happiness without some sort of substance. The opiate high is just so satisfying for me for some reason ... no other drug hits the spot the same.

I feel you man. Listen, you're only 18, you can turn back from this now relatively unscathed. Money is just money, no need to fret about the past, but at the same time, you mentioned you were only doing it because "you could afford it". But please do realize that if you blew through $4000 in savings, you actually could not afford it at all. And you still can't. Trust me man, I was addicted to opiates for 10 years, my usual opiates were kratom at first and then poppy seed tea, though I had stints with oxys and heroin too. I was able to put those on credit since they're legal. Over the course of 10 years, I managed to rack up ~$40,000 in debt. The daily rationalizations add up. Make no mistake, maintaing an opiate habit will ruin you financially, unless you're making a shit ton of money. And even then an opiate habit has a habit of its own, and that habit is scaling to the available resources.

Man I didn't get into opiates until I was 21... but I wish I could have had the clear sight about it then that I do now. I had one really clear moment that is the same one you're in right now, and I decided to go back in, a decision which I spent a lot of time ruing later. Even after I realized it was a problem, the layers upon layers of denial and rationalization took a long, long time to unwind. You're 6 days free man, and not experiencing withdrawal. You're FREE man! At least physically. When you get older, if you keep going this route, withdrawal will get harder and harder and harder, and happen faster and faster. And you will have more and more years of accumulated lack of developing non-opiate ways of dealing with anything. As a result it gets harder and harder to quit and stay quit. You're in a unique position right now, in that you are relatively unscathed. Please, please get out while you can. The future you will thank the now-you.

Either that, or the future you will hate the now-you and all that self-loathing will wrap around you and slowly pull you under.

You gotta find other things to fill the role that opiates have started to fill for you. For me, it was pursuing things I am passionate about (music in my case, mostly). Or if you're using opiates to hide from something, opiates are among the very worst ways to hide from something. They work VERY well, at first. Eventually though all they do is stop you from feeling the world-shattering impact of what they have wrought of your life.

You're at a crossroads right now. Trust me, I know how hard it is to resist those cravings. But it will be so much easier now than it will be later. Please believe that.

 

[Ganja Gremlin]

I feel you man. Listen, you're only 18, you can turn back from this now relatively unscathed. Money is just money, no need to fret about the past, but at the same time, you mentioned you were only doing it because "you could afford it". But please do realize that if you blew through $4000 in savings, you actually could not afford it at all. And you still can't. Trust me man, I was addicted to opiates for 10 years, my usual opiates were kratom at first and then poppy seed tea, though I had stints with oxys and heroin too. I was able to put those on credit since they're legal. Over the course of 10 years, I managed to rack up ~$40,000 in debt. The daily rationalizations add up. Make no mistake, maintaing an opiate habit will ruin you financially, unless you're making a shit ton of money. And even then an opiate habit has a habit of its own, and that habit is scaling to the available resources.

Man I didn't get into opiates until I was 21... but I wish I could have had the clear sight about it then that I do now. I had one really clear moment that is the same one you're in right now, and I decided to go back in, a decision which I spent a lot of time ruing later. Even after I realized it was a problem, the layers upon layers of denial and rationalization took a long, long time to unwind. You're 6 days free man, and not experiencing withdrawal. You're FREE man! At least physically. When you get older, if you keep going this route, withdrawal will get harder and harder and harder, and happen faster and faster. And you will have more and more years of accumulated lack of developing non-opiate ways of dealing with anything. As a result it gets harder and harder to quit and stay quit. You're in a unique position right now, in that you are relatively unscathed. Please, please get out while you can. The future you will thank the now-you.

Either that, or the future you will hate the now-you and all that self-loathing will wrap around you and slowly pull you under.

You gotta find other things to fill the role that opiates have started to fill for you. For me, it was pursuing things I am passionate about (music in my case, mostly). Or if you're using opiates to hide from something, opiates are among the very worst ways to hide from something. They work VERY well, at first. Eventually though all they do is stop you from feeling the world-shattering impact of what they have wrought of your life.

You're at a crossroads right now. Trust me, I know how hard it is to resist those cravings. But it will be so much easier now than it will be later. Please believe that.

Thank you I needed to read that right now . Honestly the mental cravings for me is worse than the physical withdrawl . I can handle being sick , I mean at least with my benzos . What is hard for me to handle is the inevitable reality of how empty I feel inside without opiates . The first time I took them I was 13 and it's just like ever since then nothing compares for taking away my pain

 

[Mafioso]

Often times when we are wrapped up in our addiction we replace things that would normally make us happy with drug use. I became very isolated and instead of socializing daily I would nurse my loneliness with benzos, opiates, and a list of other drugs. I stopped playing music because it became so difficult due to being heavily sedated all day long that I no longer got the same enjoyment. I stopped exercising and instead watched a lot of movies and played video games. I stopped eating healthy and started eating a lot of fast food because it was easier.

The process of recovery isn't just abstaining from drug use but more importantly it's about developing a healthy lifestyle. Develop new friendships or even rekindle ones that have faded away because of your drug use. Find new hobbies or pick up old ones that you let go. Like herb said, square one isn't a bad thing: new start, different direction. It's a good chance to really evaluate your life and reinvent yourself in a positive light. I know it's hard to envision, but happiness is achievable without drugs. In the long run, it's actually a lot easier to be happier without drugs, at least I think so now.

What activities do you enjoy doing? Go after them, now is your chance to pursue your dreams.

 

[Ganja Gremlin]

Often times when we are wrapped up in our addiction we replace things that would normally make us happy with drug use. I became very isolated and instead of socializing daily I would nurse my loneliness with benzos, opiates, and a list of other drugs. I stopped playing music because it became so difficult due to being heavily sedated all day long that I no longer got the same enjoyment. I stopped exercising and instead watched a lot of movies and played video games. I stopped eating healthy and started eating a lot of fast food because it was easier.

The process of recovery isn't just abstaining from drug use but more importantly it's about developing a healthy lifestyle. Develop new friendships or even rekindle ones that have faded away because of your drug use. Find new hobbies or pick up old ones that you let go. Like herb said, square one isn't a bad thing: new start, different direction. It's a good chance to really evaluate your life and reinvent yourself in a positive light. I know it's hard to envision, but happiness is achievable without drugs. In the long run, it's actually a lot easier to be happier without drugs, at least I think so now.

What activities do you enjoy doing?

I've been very isolated the past few years and don't have many close friends due to moving, my only close friend is also stuck across the country for at least a few months. I do have a kitten who I love very much and he helps me a lot when I'm sad.
I honestly don't know what I like doing anymore , I want to make more friends but it's so hard for me to make genuine connections with people . I do have two therapy appointments a week but It sucks because I have to hide my drug use because I don't wanna get taken off my lorazapam .

You guys have been an amazing help... In my life I feel so alone with this and ashamed to have gotten into this mess but the support on here has helped me so much to get through these days .

 

[Mafioso]

Have you ever thought about going to NA meetings? They can be a good place to interact with others who have face the same struggle as you. You mentioned school.. there aren't many places like a college campus, most everyone there is within the same age group and have similar goals(at least in terms of a degree). Take advantage of study groups and other activities. Socializing has never been easy for me, I'm naturally a introvert and tend to be very quite. Music really changed my world. I found it much easier to open up with other musicians who played the same style of music and it turned out that many of them also shared similar struggles and insecurities. I would really stress finding something you are passionate about in life and branch out from there.

Seeing a counselor or therapist who specializes in working with people who suffer from a substance use disorder could really help, if possible I would recommend it. Talking with one really helped me put my substance use disorder into perspective and not beat myself up about the mistakes I have made.

Truth be told, most people who experience addiction have also experienced some sort of trauma in their life as well. Addiction is often a means of coping when we don't know how else to. You are far from alone in your struggle and it is nothing to be ashamed about, especially if you are dealing with it and making positive steps forward.

Don't be afraid to try new things and get out of your comfort zone. Go on hikes, go skydiving, go snorkeling, learn an instrument, go to a comedy show, go see a concert... explore the world. You will find your passion and learn to enjoy things again if you keep at it. Some of it just takes time for you body and mind to level out again, but it does also require daily effort. It gets easier with time, but struggles still come and go. Life is never perfect, but things can improve.

 

[Ganja Gremlin]

Have you ever thought about going to NA meetings? They can be a good place to interact with others who have face the same struggle as you. You mentioned school.. there aren't many places like a college campus, most everyone there is within the same age group and have similar goals(at least in terms of a degree). Take advantage of study groups and other activities. Socializing has never been easy for me, I'm naturally a introvert and tend to be very quite. Music really changed my world. I found it much easier to open up with other musicians who played the same style of music and it turned out that many of them also shared similar struggles and insecurities. I would really stress finding something you are passionate about in life and branch out from there.

Seeing a counselor or therapist who specializes in working with people who suffer from a substance use disorder could really help, if possible I would recommend it. Talking with one really helped me put my substance use disorder into perspective and not beat myself up about the mistakes I have made.

Truth be told, most people who experience addiction have also experienced some sort of trauma in their life as well. Addiction is often a means of coping when we don't know how else to. You are far from alone in your struggle and it is nothing to be ashamed about, especially if you are dealing with it and making positive steps forward.

Don't be afraid to try new things and get out of your comfort zone. Go on hikes, go skydiving, go snorkeling, learn an instrument, go to a comedy show, go see a concert... explore the world. You will find your passion and learn to enjoy things again if you keep at it. Some of it just takes time for you body and mind to level out again, but it does also require daily effort. It gets easier with time, but struggles still come and go. Life is never perfect, but things can improve.

I have thought about going to na but I kinda feel like I wouldn't really fit in. Especially if they talk about god a bunch and stuff. I remember when I was 15 a family friend dragged me to an AA meeting cuz I got an MIP and it was super Jesus related but I don't know if NA is the same . I did just look up meetings in my city and there is a lot of them I could go to one today even if really want to but I don't know if they will really accept me as clean, today is only my 8th day off the opiates now and im still contemplating if I really wanna give them up completely . I'm worried I will be the youngest person there, I'll be 19 in like 2 months but some people think I look like 16-17 Cuz how small I am so it's hella embaressing

At the same time though I am hella proud of myself to making it to day 8 without the pills , this is the longest I have gone since June. Although I never went on binges over 2 weeks in the past 6 months before this week I had only been able to make it 5 days before relapsing hard back into another binge

 

[herbavore]

I do have a kitten who I love very much and he helps me a lot when I'm sad.

Animals are such great healers. Calling them pets doesn't even come close to describing the relationship between humans and animals when a bond really exists.

I'm really happy for you and the 8 days. I'm sure those days were sometimes minute by minute so be proud of yourself for sure!

As far as the god talk in AA/NA I just told myself going in (Al-anon) that we all have our ways of understanding and my way doesn't have to be bullied or bully anyone else. It gave me a tolerant place to stand and I'm not usually known for my religious tolerance. I also reminded myself that people are in the fight for their lives, for their sanity and freedom and sometimes their actual existence and that each person has the right to use whatever the hell they need to stay in that fight. That umbrella includes everything from atheism to born again christian to belief in intervening aliens!

 

[szuko000]

Most people get taught how to be unhappy in this world (unhealthy family systems, unhealthy use of religious doctrine, unhealthy culture, healthy capitalsim/consumerism); most of us never learn how to even perceive happiness, let alone create it on our own.

This a million times over. Most people never learn to celebrate all victories over looking the flowers on the path and the gemstones on the ground if your only looking to the top of the mountain. A lot of people get taught "learned helplessness" and take the easy route of making excuses. Happiness is a fight it is never easy but at the same time it is worth all it takes to get there.

This is one of the worst parts of our society. The only way to be happy is to create your own without the need for others assistance. Not to derail the thread but this is a good quote and I feel we all need to ponder how our normal thought patterns affect our emotions and desires, we control our destiny we control our thoughts we can influence our happiness. Its hard work but its the only work that is worth anything.

 

[Mafioso]

I have thought about going to na but I kinda feel like I wouldn't really fit in. Especially if they talk about god a bunch and stuff. I remember when I was 15 a family friend dragged me to an AA meeting cuz I got an MIP and it was super Jesus related but I don't know if NA is the same . I did just look up meetings in my city and there is a lot of them I could go to one today even if really want to but I don't know if they will really accept me as clean, today is only my 8th day off the opiates now and im still contemplating if I really wanna give them up completely . I'm worried I will be the youngest person there, I'll be 19 in like 2 months but some people think I look like 16-17 Cuz how small I am so it's hella embaressing

At the same time though I am hella proud of myself to making it to day 8 without the pills , this is the longest I have gone since June. Although I never went on binges over 2 weeks in the past 6 months before this week I had only been able to make it 5 days before relapsing hard back into another binge

I have many of the same hang ups about going to meetings myself. Personally, I think something like 4 out of the 12 steps are a little worthless to someone who doesn't believe in any form of god. Even still, I try to take the positive out of the message. When people say "give it up to god" or "surrender to a higher power", I interpret it as meaning that human understanding is limited, there will always be forces in the world that are beyond comprehension. As an individual, you do not need to understand everything or everyone. I think that people reach out to god or a higher power in response to understanding things are out of their control and in response to this understanding, attempt to control or influence the situation with prayer. Training your mind to think in a positive light is a good thing, whether prayer is involved or not. Acceptance and understanding that we cannot control many aspects of our life can be very humbling.

When I was active in my addiction the fear of not being accepted is what kept me from attending meetings. In reality, they are the people who can understand me and relate to me the most. They have groups for young people as well. Even if you are the youngest, what's the harm in that? I would think it shows a lot of maturity on your part. A lot of people let addiction run their lives for years before they attempt to manage it. I would think it'd be more embarrassing for someone later in life than early on, but neither should be embarrassed that they are seeking support and trying to manage their problems.

Everyone in recovery started at day 1 and many will experience multiple relapses before achieving long term success. There is no need for shame. 5 months is the longest I've been sober in 10 years, and before that it was maybe 12 hours.

 

[swilow]

I feel you man. Listen, you're only 18, you can turn back from this now relatively unscathed. Money is just money, no need to fret about the past, but at the same time, you mentioned you were only doing it because "you could afford it". But please do realize that if you blew through $4000 in savings, you actually could not afford it at all. And you still can't. Trust me man, I was addicted to opiates for 10 years, my usual opiates were kratom at first and then poppy seed tea, though I had stints with oxys and heroin too. I was able to put those on credit since they're legal. Over the course of 10 years, I managed to rack up ~$40,000 in debt. The daily rationalizations add up. Make no mistake, maintaing an opiate habit will ruin you financially, unless you're making a shit ton of money. And even then an opiate habit has a habit of its own, and that habit is scaling to the available resources.

Man I didn't get into opiates until I was 21... but I wish I could have had the clear sight about it then that I do now. I had one really clear moment that is the same one you're in right now, and I decided to go back in, a decision which I spent a lot of time ruing later. Even after I realized it was a problem, the layers upon layers of denial and rationalization took a long, long time to unwind. You're 6 days free man, and not experiencing withdrawal. You're FREE man! At least physically. When you get older, if you keep going this route, withdrawal will get harder and harder and harder, and happen faster and faster. And you will have more and more years of accumulated lack of developing non-opiate ways of dealing with anything. As a result it gets harder and harder to quit and stay quit. You're in a unique position right now, in that you are relatively unscathed. Please, please get out while you can. The future you will thank the now-you.

Either that, or the future you will hate the now-you and all that self-loathing will wrap around you and slowly pull you under.

You gotta find other things to fill the role that opiates have started to fill for you. For me, it was pursuing things I am passionate about (music in my case, mostly). Or if you're using opiates to hide from something, opiates are among the very worst ways to hide from something. They work VERY well, at first. Eventually though all they do is stop you from feeling the world-shattering impact of what they have wrought of your life.

You're at a crossroads right now. Trust me, I know how hard it is to resist those cravings. But it will be so much easier now than it will be later. Please believe that.

Such a good post mate

 

[Ganja Gremlin]

I have many of the same hang ups about going to meetings myself. Personally, I think something like 4 out of the 12 steps are a little worthless to someone who doesn't believe in any form of god. Even still, I try to take the positive out of the message. When people say "give it up to god" or "surrender to a higher power", I interpret it as meaning that human understanding is limited, there will always be forces in the world that are beyond comprehension. As an individual, you do not need to understand everything or everyone. I think that people reach out to god or a higher power in response to understanding things are out of their control and in response to this understanding, attempt to control or influence the situation with prayer. Training your mind to think in a positive light is a good thing, whether prayer is involved or not. Acceptance and understanding that we cannot control many aspects of our life can be very humbling.

When I was active in my addiction the fear of not being accepted is what kept me from attending meetings. In reality, they are the people who can understand me and relate to me the most. They have groups for young people as well. Even if you are the youngest, what's the harm in that? I would think it shows a lot of maturity on your part. A lot of people let addiction run their lives for years before they attempt to manage it. I would think it'd be more embarrassing for someone later in life than early on, but neither should be embarrassed that they are seeking support and trying to manage their problems.

Everyone in recovery started at day 1 and many will experience multiple relapses before achieving long term success. There is no need for shame. 5 months is the longest I've been sober in 10 years, and before that it was maybe 12 hours.

Thank you for this, I do live in a pretty liberal city if i do some googling I might even be able to find na groups for atheists or just non god related . Unfortunately since I have made this post i relapsed but not back into a binge , I only took 20 mg of oxycodone and I actually got high as fuck surprisingly, that was 2 days ago and I have remained sober since, and I want to continue to not use them. But I am now facing a new dilemma. .. as my opiate use gets better my benzo use is getting worse. I have an anxiety disorder and PTSD so there are times I take it for those symptoms but other times it's too escape, I get perscribed enough lorazapam to take it everyday and be dependent legally at 18 but I try not to take it everyday because I'm so scared of how bad my anxiety will be during benzo withdrawl . Since I've gotten off the oxy , I ran through almost my entire script because it was so helpful during withdrawl and I had to buy Xanax off the streets till my next refill . Really struggling now to not take ativan or Xanax everyday

One thing I am wondering though is do they consider perscribed meds as being clean at na ?

 

[Ganja Gremlin]

Animals are such great healers. Calling them pets doesn't even come close to describing the relationship between humans and animals when a bond really exists.

I'm really happy for you and the 8 days. I'm sure those days were sometimes minute by minute so be proud of yourself for sure!

As far as the god talk in AA/NA I just told myself going in (Al-anon) that we all have our ways of understanding and my way doesn't have to be bullied or bully anyone else. It gave me a tolerant place to stand and I'm not usually known for my religious tolerance. I also reminded myself that people are in the fight for their lives, for their sanity and freedom and sometimes their actual existence and that each person has the right to use whatever the hell they need to stay in that fight. That umbrella includes everything from atheism to born again christian to belief in intervening aliens!

I made it to i think day 10 of being off oxy and then relapsed but it didn't restart my sickness and now I'm on day 3 off again so I still have some hope for self control