When people say "give it up to god" or "surrender to a higher power", I interpret it as meaning that human understanding is limited, there will always be forces in the world that are beyond comprehension. As an individual, you do not need to understand everything or everyone.
Mafioso, thank you for that quote. I found it quite enlightening and beautiful and will add it to the things that help keep me centered. After many years of addiction, depression, suicidal ideation and attempts, and a thorough 'dark night of the soul,' as some philosophers phrase it, I found a life worth living by combining my own spiritual beliefs into the 12-Step format with long-term Suboxone maintenance. What I've done wouldn't work for many people, as many 12-Steppers are against MAT, many proponents of maintenance-based treatment are opposed to 12-Step, some AA/NA groups are rabidly Christian, blah blah blah. It probably helps that I'm now old enough and with enough decades of experience with addiction and attempts at recovery that I really, truly do not give a shit what anyone thinks of me. I also continue to study comparative religions and belief systems, and my spirituality is a bit of a 'mosaic'--a quote I stole from a friend, as I use whatever works for me and leave on the shelf anything that doesn't.
Ganja Gremlin, I understand your dilemma, as I've faced it my entire life. I can't help but look back over my 64 years, after beginning drug use at 12 and heroin addiction at 18, and want to give you advice so that you don't have to make the mistakes I did. So if I sound like your mother, sorry,
I can't tell you what to do with your current problem, but going forward I have a couple of points for you to ponder. It sounds like you are one of the people with brain chemistry like mine, that opiates do something for that, while we can't really explain it, know it exists. For me much of the effect is physical, because I've always been, at least until about my 40's, pretty sedentary.
The only thing that gives me physical and mental energy, and makes me feel "good" besides opiates, is exercise. That's the ONLY way, besides drugs (and maybe sex--it never worked for me, but other people say it does the "thing" for them, but even if, you can only have so much of that...) that you can force your body and brain to make the natural opiates, endorphins, that are what make people feel good on the natch. (Does that expression date me?
) It's also a great way to meet people and interact with other people who are seeking to live healthy lives. Some will be ex-addicts and most will just be regular people. A lot of them will be shy and have a hard time meeting people and making friends. Having an activity that's positive to bond around really lets the walls down.
Two other quick points: One is that I love that you have a cat. I have pet rabbits, which some people find weird, but they are cool companions as well. You really have to work at getting them to like you, so it can be time-consuming if you want it to be. Cats are better at cuddling, but just as interesting... The other is that if your depression drags on, you might want to get checked out by a psychologist or psychiatrist. It's really not possible to tell if a person has actual depressive illness (the kind that is best treated by medication) until they've been clean and sober at least six months, but in my case the reason I could never stay clean was that I hated myself and the way I felt all the time so much that I had to self-medicate to stay alive. Eventually I was diagnosed and treated, and that paved the way for me to find recovery. The caution is that often people get evaluated too early, when they're still going through PAWS--post-acute withdrawal syndrome, which lasts a year or two--and some pill-pusher puts them on meds they don't need.
So even when I say if you stay depressed, get checked out, if you do, go slow, find a doctor that's an expert in treating recovering addicts, and ask a lot of questions. I almost just deleted this whole part, because it can be a dangerous topic, but it's also an important one. So many people stay on drugs even though it's damaging their health and taking from their quality of life, because it's so painful for them, existentially, to NOT medicate. Good luck with your future.
and I'm trying to taper back down with my benzos , I'm a bit worried I'm dependant , but worst case scenario with those I'll just tell my doctor if i really need to get off and they can help taper me off slowly since they were the ones who started me on them in the first place. 
