Sublimating the need for children

[Asclepius]

Ok.
This is probably been as diffucult for anyone who can identify it, as it has for me.
I am unsure of the demographic on here who can identify with this but nevertheless, there may be a few and I want to share this.

I think there is an assumption that the drive to have/not have children has something to do with overpopulation and the protection of the planet. Personally, it has a more intimate implication, in my circustance. That a child would not have the nurturing support it needs to thrive.

I come from a dysfunctional family ( as many on here can relate to, as similar, or worse). I would not want to raise a child with the lack of support from the peripheral family, that I dealt with (and any deficit on my part and parteners that would have not have been able to support a child or me; emotionally, or socially) and hence I have decided to not have a child as I think they deserve the best start. Having staved off this urge has been a difficult and depressing experience to say the least, however there are otherways to help yourself manage and though it is not a life, or death situation, I dont think it is generally understood how it impacts your well being, hormonally/physiologically/ psychologically.

Although, it is a choice, for me it is one very contra to my nature and is akin to celibacy. I'm sure many on here can understand the will it takes, the fall-out to avoid natural urges that you supress. My question is what has made any Blers choose not to be a parent, despite wanting to be?

 

[mal3volent]

My family is so fucked up man. I’ve spent my whole life doing all I can to survive them. Addiction, mental illness, cancer or some combination of the three is just about everywhere you look. I have at times flirted with the thought of having a kid so I could do better than my parents did. But I think I have to be honest with myself and realize I’m just not equipped for it. I’m not going to bring another person into the world just to fill an emotional void. That would be selfish of me.

I guess I am lucky in a sense that procreation is not necessarily something I have to worry about. Growing up gay in the south and without any support, sex was a huge source of shame for me early on. Not being able to connect with that instinctual side of things leaves you feeling kind of empty.

Im holding out for the possibility that I might have a nephew or niece at some point. My brother has been good to me. The thought of that keeps me in check lots of times.

 

[pofacedhoe]

no family is perfect

if you deny yourself a child because you think everything would not always be perfect then that bullshit is on you

give it 30 years and we'll start dropping like flies cos antibiotics are running out and no-one is making any new ones

so actually the fight for survival might becaome real again just like when people had 10 kids for only one to survive

 

[llama112]

I'm very childfree. Hoping to get tubes tied at some point. A few reasons.
1. overpopulation
2. I would be a terrible mother
3. I don't think my genetics are great
4. THE PAIN

If eventually I decide I would like to be a mother, I could always adopt

 

[SamanthaB]

Hi,

If I read your post correctly, you feel that because you have a dysfunctional extended family and your past partners would not be able to support you financially or emotionally, you have decided not to have children. Is that correct? If so, lots of people have dysfunctional extended families and choose to not interact with them or have their children exposed to them. You can always find really good friends that can serve the extended family purpose for you should you decide to have children. A "good" start depends more on you and less on others.

I am not sure why you think that you need a partner that can support you financially and emotionally to do this. Again, lots of people have children as single people and do it on their own without a partner, and who knows, maybe you will find a partner soon that has your vision and would want children, even though you have not as of yet. I can understand you would perhaps like to have someone to share this experience with you for a number of reasons, it is not necessarily a deal breaker for having kids if you REALLY want to have them. Now, if you, yourself, want your own child and cannot afford to do this without financial help from another person, then that is a different matter. One would need the financial means to support a child and take care of them on their own. However, you have some other choices - 1) you can work to find a partner that shares your vision about children because having the finances to care for a child is a reality, 2) there are also a couple of other alternatives to having children that you might not have thought about. That being find a partner that has a child/children already where you assimilate into that family (and perhaps have an additional child that would add to that family) or think about fostering or adopting a child where you get financial support from the State you live in to do that. There are lots and lots of children that need a parent and a loving home, which I suspect you would be able to provide if you had financial help.

Think about all of the above things before you reject the idea of having a family of your own. I would hate to see you make this extremely important decision not to have children based entirely on your current thinking. I think it may be flawed. I don't know how old you are, but you are never too old to have children, your own or someone else's.

BTW, I am childless by choice, but if someone really wants to have children, then they should. Not an easy thing to deny. Kind of like one's sexual orientation (what sex they are attracted to). You are what you are and feel like you feel.

Good luck with this, get busy and don't give up on your dream of children!

 

[Asclepius]

I'm very childfree. Hoping to get tubes tied at some point. A few reasons.
1. overpopulation
2. I would be a terrible mother
3. I don't think my genetics are great
4. THE PAIN

If eventually I decide I would like to be a mother, I could always adopt

I think that's a no, then.

Adoption and fostering is something I always considered but it is a lottery in terms of not knowing the persons' needs and requirements. Adoption is a lengthly and expensive process, where I am from. The child may have severe attachment issues or medical issues, that may not become apparent until they are older and finding resources that would cover those scenarios and being able to deal with any extraneous pressures in latter years may be impossible. This is even more complex than having a baby, so its not an option I entertain as naievely, as I did before but you're right, these are options.

I’m not going to bring another person into the world just to fill an emotional void. That would be selfish of me.

Exactly what I've always thought. Some people place more responsibility on having pets, than raising humans - its a big responsibility and a complex one.

I guess I am lucky in a sense that procreation is not necessarily something I have to worry about.

Well, maybe not procreation but raising kids or looking after them may be someday, in some shape or form, you never know.

Growing up gay in the south and without any support, sex was a huge source of shame for me early on. Not being able to connect with that instinctual side of things leaves you feeling kind of empty.

I can only imagine.

Im holding out for the possibility that I might have a nephew or niece at some point. My brother has been good to me. The thought of that keeps me in check lots of times.

Im glad to hear he is. You would make a fab uncle, if it happens!

no family is perfect

if you deny yourself a child because you think everything would not always be perfect then that bullshit is on you

give it 30 years and we'll start dropping like flies cos antibiotics are running out and no-one is making any new ones

so actually the fight for survival might becaome real again just like when people had 10 kids for only one to survive

Well, my mission isnt so broad as to save humanity from extinction, just yet.

 

[Asclepius]

Hi,

I am childless by choice, but if someone really wants to have children, then they should. Not an easy thing to deny. Kind of like one's sexual orientation (what sex they are attracted to). You are what you are and feel like you feel.

Good luck with this, get busy and don't give up on your dream of children!

Samantha B, that is such a sweet post. Unfortunately I dont have time to respond in detail, to such a comprehensive reply but am just dealing with instinct and mini existential crises, more than anything else at the moment. ugh. hehe

Ty again. I will try to respond at a later time.

 

[mal3volent]

I know this thread isn’t about me, but thank you Asclepius for the kind words. I was feeling pretty terrible today and you made me feel a lot better.

 

[Asclepius]

^ Well it's not about me, exclusively either - just a situation

Ah, glad you feel better mate - I know these are just boards but given my confidence in most of my perception, I meant it, though

 

[pofacedhoe]

Well, my mission isnt so broad as to save humanity from extinction, just yet.

if you dont all we will have are guests from jeremy kyle and trump offspring.

if you have a brain you have to pass it on cos dumb people fuck a lot more and end up with way more babies cos they question life less

 

[Asclepius]

^hehe, I'll keep 'em in cold storage; not to worry! The Golden egg, is reserved for Sothebeys or, your good self. Us quality breeders need to stick together