How quickly does your mind go to the panic and negativity surrounding your previous experiences when thinking about this?
Right away. And then it comes and goes frequently as I try to fight the thoughts (and fail). I am perfectly calm right now when thinking about it and talking about it so I won't feel any anxiety until I start a routine to retrieve a pill or engaged in anything involved in preparation for a roll such as setting up my rave lights.
It's hard to explain but the first overdose in March caused me no trauma despite the horrible crash because I have no emotional memory of it. I remember logically what it was like but that's about it. The bad trip in June I actually did not experience a crash at all. I felt perfectly fine 6 hours after the roll and only slightly depressed the next day. The problem is, my recollection of this experience was emotional as well as logical, so I'm guessing I'm feeling now what they call trauma. During the comeup of that bad trip (it came way faster than usual) I was feeling very negative and the intensity kept increasing. I put on a video of the cutest little kitten ever in an attempt to mitigate the negative thoughts but it wasn't working. Anger turned to paranoia, paranoia turned to panic and I ended up in bed in a fetal position, involuntarily rubbing myself and all the classic symptoms of an mdma roll, doing my best to feel some pleasure to counteract the pain. The next few hours was what I can only describe as a very intense bipolar episode. I would feel extremely happy for about 10 seconds before crashing and feeling extremely dysphoric for the same amount of time before feeling very euphoric again. Rinse and repeat for the next few hours. Very violent ups and downs.
Since then, even when I'm feeling really good, I start to anticipate a crash so of course a crash does happen. This is how it was 3 weeks ago when I took 75mg. I wasn't even high yet I was freaking out for a full hour, going back and forth from forced happy thoughts to extreme anxiety.
MDMA won't reduce that, and if so, not by much. It sounds like there's a bigger mindset issue going on here that is still present, which will manifest itself.
That's the thing, the June bad trip fucked up my mindset. I'm thinking the only way to reverse this is to have a good roll again. That one in April noticeably improved my outlook on life. Since the one in June, I've been having bad mood swings and far worse anxiety than I have before. That failed low-dose roll made me slightly more comfortable but the fact that I couldn't calm the fuck down for a full hour is still very discouraging.
Do you see how people can become depressed even when everything is perfect in their life on paper? Our well-being is not defined by our physical means and behaviors. You've made the first steps, great. Now it's time to go further. If you're unhappy, there are undoubtedly emotional and spiritual issues present that are affecting your well-being.
Here's the thing, for the past 8 years since recovering from an oxycodone addiction, I have been neither happy nor depressed and lived a sedentiary lifestyle. I had social anxiety and paranoia stemming from the long period I spent in isolation but nothing else out of the ordinary. I was content but came to believe I was suffering because I noticed the rich emotional range other people displayed and how happy they seemed while I had trouble being moved by the slightest because I perceived everything in a concrete way. My mood was always at baseline. Wanting to attain some empathy and thus some interpersonal skills and an increased ability to feel some happiness and pleasure that everybody else enjoys, I experimented with some expired oxytocin and achieved positive results. But since that shit spoiled too easily, I turned to ecstasy as it was the closest alternative and wasn't so sensitive to weathering.
But since that bad roll, I've been having mood swings where the peaks keep getting lower and lower and the depressive periods getting longer and more common. So now I'm on a permanent diet of 5-HTP which has restabilized me back to baseline. But this only cured the depression, not the anxiety.
