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Mental Health Unrelenting suicidal ideation

CJ please don't kill yourself or hurt yourself. If it takes checking into a hospital or telling your parents how you feel, please do this.

How you are feeling is temporary, and you will not always feel this way.

Your posts here on bluelight have helped me and a lot of other people and we need you to keep living.

If it gets really bad call your therapist, this number 1-800-273-8255, or post to this thread.
 
PriestTheyCalledHim said:
CJ please don't kill yourself or hurt yourself. If it takes checking into a hospital or telling your parents how you feel, please do this.

How you are feeling is temporary, and you will not always feel this way.

Your posts here on bluelight have helped me and a lot of other people and we need you to keep living.

If it gets really bad call your therapist, this number 1-800-273-8255, or post to this thread.
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Thanks man. I think I'll be ok for now and I would never hurt anyone else that's not my style.
 
As a survivor of suicide (against my will cuz they cpr'd me back to life) please don't do it. Personally for me I was in a world of pain for like 2 months. There will always be ups and downs in life and we typically only remember the bad times :(. But my friend please, just don't do it if you need someone to talk to, i'm here. I'm in a bad state of mind myself. Just got out of jail and stuff.

If it gets really bad and you need a safe place to stay, just go to a good hospital and say that "i am a danger to others and myself at the moment I need help" and they will help you.
 
Ugh I chickened out of telling my therapist the whole truth again. I kept like hinting I'd been thinking of suicide and he told me he was worried about me but I just couldn't come out with the truth. I'm fucking drowning in depression right now. He gave me a referral to get meds but that may take a month just to get seen. I feel like I'm fighting a battle with myself. One side wants help while the other is plotting my destruction. I'm mainly worried about the stress a hospitalization will put on my mom. Her mom died in August and she's not doing well. I can't add to the stress on the other hand that makes zero sense because killing myself would certainly add to her stress..... Fucking confused

I'm so fucking depressed all I do is stay home and sleep. That's my whole life. I don't even know why I'm writing this
 
Cj, do you enjoy doing anything? Is there anything that switches your focus for a while?
 
CFC said:
Cj, do you enjoy doing anything? Is there anything that switches your focus for a while?
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Sleeping. I just took some Benadryl. Hoping I can pass out till later.

My appointment today put into perspective how bad my situation has become. I only leave the house to dose at the clinic and go to therapy. Litterally that's it. When I am home I just lay in bed surfing the net and sleeping. I'm getting scared. This isn't fun anymore. Like when I was less depressed and using heroin I liked the sad part of my personality to some extent. Now not so much. It hit me last night while I was researching suicide methods that this is serious and that I am serious. I don't know why that didn't occur to me before. I may be over reacting but I am actually scared and that's disconcerting.
 
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Tell yourself this - if you're really willing to go, then you may as well take a shit and eat it first. Sounds disgusting right? You'd say no fucking way I would do that, but then consider, you're apparently so miserable you're going to kill yourself, so eating a shit should be easy in comparison. I bet you'll suddenly find reasons to live if eating your own shit has to come first...
 
sadasaulna said:
Tell yourself this - if you're really willing to go, then you may as well take a shit and eat it first. Sounds disgusting right? You'd say no fucking way I would do that, but then consider, you're apparently so miserable you're going to kill yourself, so eating a shit should be easy in comparison. I bet you'll suddenly find reasons to live if eating your own shit has to come first...
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Lol. Interesting. I will say that being an opiate addict has brought me very into tune with that particular bodily function in ways I never thought possible. I'll keep that in mind
 
Fresco said:
Dont do it CJ, its not a solution to your problems.

I'm not sure if you believe in any of this stuff, but here it is anyways:

http://channelingerik.com/

https://www.youtube.com/user/drmedhus/videos
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That's one of the thing that keeps me from going to the ER. My plan is for a future date and will take some amount of planning. It's still 2 months away at the earliest most likely. So I don't feel like it's urgent enough to panic about but it's urgent enough to make me fucked miserable. I don't even know how I will really feel when I get to the final stage of the plan. I'm just as likely to do it as I am to back out you know. If I just had my health, finances, and life to consider I would of been at the ER last week but it's more complicated then that.

I'm sorry if this thread comes off as drama seeking. Maybe it is on some level but I just can't suffer quietly right now for some reason and this is the place I get to be the most honest. So yeah thanks for the kindness everyone.
 
cj said:
That's one of the thing that keeps me from going to the ER. My plan is for a future date and will take some amount of planning. It's still 2 months away at the earliest most likely. So I don't feel like it's urgent enough to panic about but it's urgent enough to make me fucked miserable. I don't even know how I will really feel when I get to the final stage of the plan. I'm just as likely to do it as I am to back out you know. If I just had my health, finances, and life to consider I would of been at the ER last week but it's more complicated then that.

I'm sorry if this thread comes off as drama seeking
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Its not drama at all. You're obviously in a rough place right now or you wouldnt be starting this thread.
That makes you perfectly human, no better or worse than any of us here.

I'm here to tell you that I had a near-death experience when I was in the hospital dying from a ruptured appendix.
All I can tell you (and you can choose to believe this or not) is that suicide doesnt change any of your problems, it just changes the channel.

Life is meant to be a series of challenges, you can choose to meet those head-on or you can choose to leave
 
cj, it's not drama seeking to talk about these feelings. They are as real as anything else you may also be talking about but I think you are very wise not to hold them in and try to navigate them alone. On one level, you are alone--you are the only one rowing the little boat of you. When the enormity of that concept hits you and you realize that in fact you could keep rowing, drop the oars in the water or even capsize and get the whole thing over with, it can be both terrifying and strangely reassuring ime. I get something out of recognizing that I am choosing to stay alive. It allows me to say, OK , what else should I choose for myself?
 
I know what your saying herby I really do. I wish I wasn't so scared of both choices. I'm scared I can't make a life for myself in this world. I'm scared about death. I'm paralyzed with fear and I am suffering. I am legit suffering right now.

I am in the parking lot of my therapist office waiting for my appointment. I want to ask for help so bad. I want to tell him about the plans I'm making to kill myself. How I'm only staying sober to aquire enough take home methodone to overdose. But I probably won't I'm ashamed. Of what my parents will think or do if I get hospitalized again. Of what my therapist will think about me. Of having my plan derailed. That I probably won't kill myself anyway and it'll be much to do about nothing.

I sliced up my arm pretty good yesterday. Maybe he will notice. I'm such a fucking drama whore. WTF is wrong with me? Whatever I don't even know what could really even be done anyway. A couple days in the hospital sont going to change shit anyway.

A have a bunch of Zoloft at home. I'm going to start taking that today and see if it helps. One way or the other feeling like this just isn't sustainable. This is hell.

I don't know I even posted this. How emberassing
 
Hey man, everyone is going to tell you to don't do it. I went down that road a few years ago and there was no light at the end of the tunnel. Just darkness. You're gonna need to address the issues that got you using dope in the first place. I know this may sound like shit but its gotta be done.


Maybe check yourself into a mental hospital or any hospital and say that you feel that you are a threat to yourself and others. They have to help you.
 
chompy said:
Hey man, everyone is going to tell you to don't do it. I went down that road a few years ago and there was no light at the end of the tunnel. Just darkness. You're gonna need to address the issues that got you using dope in the first place. I know this may sound like shit but its gotta be done.


Maybe check yourself into a mental hospital or any hospital and say that you feel that you are a threat to yourself and others. They have to help you.
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Yeah I'm trying to address the underlying cause. I know what it is we are working on it in therapy it's just overwhelming me. I'm starting Zoloft today hopefully that helps some. I wish I could be in the hospital I really do but it's not practical right now. I just have to suffer.

I'm sorry for the drama truthfully suicide is still a ways off. I'm like working towards it a long ways off to give myself some hope while I hope treatment starts working or something. I'm discouraged but I'm not beaten yet.
 
hows your exercise and diet?

I find that if I work out, eat well, and try to get out to get some light and air... my mood shifts from "lets eat shotguns" to "meh", which is a pretty big improvement.
 
assclass said:
hows your exercise and diet?

I find that if I work out, eat well, and try to get out to get some light and air... my mood shifts from "lets eat shotguns" to "meh", which is a pretty big improvement.
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My diet is okay. Lots of home cooked family meals. Excercise on the other hand is pretty bmuch non-existent. I lay in bed all day night. I know that's a problem but motivation is non existent.

I decided to restart myself on sertraline. I have a few months worth saved up from a previous script so I'm going to go ahead and start while I wait for my phch doc appointment. If I don't I fear I may not make the appointment
 
cj said:
My diet is okay. Lots of home cooked family meals. Excercise on the other hand is pretty bmuch non-existent. I lay in bed all day night. I know that's a problem but motivation is non existent.

I decided to restart myself on sertraline. I have a few months worth saved up from a previous script so I'm going to go ahead and start while I wait for my phch doc appointment. If I don't I fear I may not make the appointment
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ok. Well, see if there is anything in your diet you can improve. Cut out sugar and alcohol.

And then you need to start moving. Simple walks, bodyweight exercise, and easy activity. You need to move. You need to work hard as well, so do some sprints or whatever to get your heart rate up.

My advise is to get a calendar and mark off each day you exercise. Try to get a good chain going.
 
Well just took my first 50mg dose of sertraline ie zoloft. I know I'm supposed to titrate up but does anyone know the exact titration method?
 
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