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Staying clean with your partner...is it possible???

R

Ram2358

Greenlighter
Joined
Oct 16, 2017
Messages
11
Okay im new to this site. I have been battling heroin withdrawl for 5 days now...hooray 5 days no H!!!...while the worst of it is definitely a not so distant memory the going cold turkey is still having an effect on me. It's more I can't stop thinking about using. My girl friend of 5 years...whom I introduced to pills and when I graduated to heroin of coarse she came with me....had an emotional break down. Came clean to everybody in her family about what was going on and that she needed help. They immediately fingered me as the root cause(some truth there) and took her out of state where she laid around and got clean. She put together 23 days clean while I stayed here and kept for the most part using. Snorting lethal amounts of heroin was our life for a would year before that it was lethal amounts of oxy. Anyway,she is back and riding her pink cloud high. She's never going to use again. Never going to touch it again so she says. I'm being more realistic about it and trying to take it one day at a time. She thinks I have more clean time then I really do. I love her I don't want to loose her. I know unless you quit because you want to then your doomed and part of me is convinced I got clean only because she came back to me. Statistically we are doomed I get that. I'm only wondering if anybody else out there is dealing with or has dealt with anything similar or exactly the same? Part of me feels like until I can fully commit to getting clean for me I'm only going to be damaging to her recovery but the selfish addict in me is so happy she is back and back with me I've bit the bullet for the last 5 days. I don't know what to do....
 
every time i got clean was with my ex. she wanted to get clean and wanted me to as well. if you really love someone youll do anything for them. we always relapsed together i stayed clean until she fell off. id try and talk her out of it but id always give in and wed fall of together. yes it is possible but you both have to be commited to being clean for each other and fight the urge to use. im clean now because i ended up losing her because of who i was when i was high. i wish you good luck man i hope it turns out better for you than it did for me
 
Is it possible? Yes. Is it likely? No.

The problem is it it's already bad odds of success with any given attempt to get clean. Add in a relationship and it usually becomes twice as unlikely because generally you wind up with two points of failure. If either of you start using again, most likely the other will too.

I wish you luck, but the odds aren't good. There's a reason conventional wisdom discourages relationships when you're trying to get clean for at least a year.
 
You are right that it has to be for you. Whether you can each focus on that while living together, I do not know. One red flag to me is that you already have a deception built into the relationship (she thinks you have more non-using time than you really do). That does not bode well.

I do not doubt how much you love her. It is always scary in love to try to separate need from love but in the end it is essential. Get strong on your own. That means confronting all the overwhelming needs that your addicted-brain tells you must be medicated. Loneliness is a big one. Fear of being alone is another. We all struggle with these and we all end up as adults making so many poor choices for ourselves because these fears rule us. So not only for addiction but for the health of your life beyond addiction it is important to become a self-sustaining person on your own. The reward is that relationships get easier.
 
Thank you all for your input and advice. Tomorrow is one week clean. I guess I'm trying to "fake it till I make it" call it codependency but I feel so much more fulfilled when I'm with her. The thought of losing her is a strong motivator for me to stay clean. Of coarse I want to be clean for me as well. The amount of money I've thrown away all to basically delay the inevitable. One day the heroin use would have to come to an end. I'm only 33...what am I just going to use everyday until I die? No who could? I feel like I'm on the right track. I'm taking it one day at a time. I know the odds of both of us staying clean are stacked staggeringly high against us. I'm trying my best to keep the woman I love. I know I should be focusing on my recovery right now and jessfr you are completely right about the year off from relationships. I just love this girl and I'm willing to really do it this time to keep her in my life.
 
Despite what I said earlier, I do believe that you sometimes have to trust yourself so if this is what is motivating you right now--go for it!<3
 
I think it can work if the couple has different drugs of choice. I hate alcohol and dated a girl with a drinking problem. Had my opiate shit going on and she never saw anything in those. In that case you can even help each other and make it constructive I'd say.
 
From my experience, if you are using drugs heavily and in a relationship, in all likelihood your partner is suffering from some sort of addiction as well or at the very least serving to enable you. People who do not suffer from addiction generally do not tolerate those that do. Usually it takes some first hand experience to understand and have compassion for someone going through addiction. Getting clean in a relationship where you both were using is complicated and can present a lot of unnecessary problems.

I think the most important thing to consider, for the sake of your own health and sobriety, is how you will handle it if your partner relapses and brings drugs around you. What will you do if your partner is not able to get clean on the same schedule as you, or if your partner gives up?
 
You need to focus on YOU first. One step at a time. When you get well...then work on mending you and her. Gotta be you first. Love how much you love her. One day, one step at a time. You can do this. If you can love someone like this, with such strength and determination - then recovery & healthy will be easier. Good luck & lotsa love.
 
I want to know this question too. I am like 633 days clean from our drug of choice. I'm not addicted to it anymore and don't even think about it. Been like 3 years since I saw her but we still talk. I think she is clean too as she is living with her parents again. I used opiates to combat my drinking problem, which I still have because I lack discipline (in cartmans voice).

Even during wd's we would still be best buddies and do things to pass the time/pain of wd's. I sort of 'left' her when I decided to go to rehab and she kept using. Iono man, I think I just want to be with someone familiar.
 
Regardless of the odds man, anything is possible. It's all what you tell yourselves. If you're both truly on the same page, there is no reason why you can't do it together
 
Just be care if you are noticing you a codependent on each other and getting high and caving cuz the other is, that's not good. Someone needs to be the one to stay strong, and the other needs to follow the program with very few mistakes/ relapses.. wish you best of luck bud
 
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