• TDS Moderators: AlphaMethylPhenyl | Eligiu | deficiT

Mental Health Weed induced anxiety but kept using for 11 yrs - What can I do?

weedheid

Greenlighter
Joined
Sep 21, 2017
Messages
2
I started smoking at 14. Before that I was shy and got nervous but was able to cope with it and control my thoughts and reactions rationally. I was flourishing socially and began binge drinking then moved onto weed. It made my anxiety and depression become physically and mentally uncontrollable. Not like where you hear people smoke for years and then suddenly can't because it's starting to make them paranoid and panicky. That was my reaction from the first time and every time after but I didn't take it seriously. Why didn't I stop? Wanting to be cool, thinking weed couldn't have that much of an effect long-term. Enjoying feeling fucked up and playing with my brain. Most people who try weed and it makes them paranoid realise it's not for them.

At 15 I started struggling to read aloud when it was my turn in English class. Voice tremors and unable to breathe properly.

At 16 I had a panic attack when fooling around with a girl.

Went to uni and developed physical tremors and social anxiety.

Panic attacks when smoking or sober, when getting a haircut, ordering a drink, unable to make new friends or get a girlfriend.

Kept smoking though, plus MDMA and mushies. Too stupid and addicted to stop.

Had a full on breakdown at 23 when I convinced myself I had a fatal illness. Got to the point I went on ADs. Came off them. Yep, started smoking again. 25 now and just getting out of another 6 month depression/panic episode triggered by a skunk freak out and ending in more ADs, which just made me worse in the end.

Not a single toke in 5 months and all my anxiety and depression symptoms are still here. Mental and physical. I started a new job hoping I could have a fresh start but I'm already clearly the weirdo there and I can tell my manager is wondering why he hired someone so socially inept.

What have I done to myself? That's the worse part. I'm furious with myself. What chance have I got to be normal? How could I have turned out if I never touched such an insidious drug? I'd have been better off getting hooked on something heavier so that I bottomed out quicker and could have begun recovering instead of taking 11 years of cumulative damage.

I understand my issues were probably already there, or were latent, or I was more predisposed to them but I wish I'd heeded the signs when they first started appearing.

What do I do? I've tried medicine, therapy, exercise... if this is my life for the long run then I may as well go back to drink and drugs.
 
My guess is that you just prolonged the inevitable by getting high and dismissing your feelings of discomfort/anxiety for a long time. At least that was me. I did a lot of different drugs and looking back I never really enjoyed them as much as I told myself and others I did. Like you, I got stoned many times socially even tho I was having an anxiety attack the entire time. It’s probably why I dropped drugs and alcohol pretty easily (tho not cigarettes, ugh) tho.

Lots of people are socially awkward and I wouldn’t assume what your boss thinks/feels, you could be projecting your own fears onto them. I don’t say this to downplay your discomfort or dismiss your self evaluation, I truly think you could be very socially awkward and still do well and have a boss like you even if you’re working with the public. It takes all kinds. Addressing your discomfort is what’s most important...

Some form of therapy would help. Personally, I don’t like the one on one seeing a therapist thing, it doesn’t work well for me tho others swear by it. I have found peer support helpful (like you’re doing here, asking others what they’ve done, talking, seeing you’re not alone) and yoga classes (they helped me slow down and become more aware of my body so I knew sooner when I needed a break). It’s also possible a different medication could help. I sometimes take propranolol for panic. Fortunately I don’t get panic attacks often now but it’s a big relief to have it around. It’s way better than benzos imo because no real side effects or tolerance issues.

I hope this makes sense and comes across ok, I’m a little off/scattered today. Rooting for you! Staying sober will make things a lot easier if not today for absolutely sure in the long run (even a few months from now but especially years...)
 
Thanks for the advice. I empathise with doing drugs sort of for the sake of it and convincing yourself you enjoyed them. Maybe that's why now when I've seriously wanted to quit I've not had many cravings. That's true that I'm projecting, I tend to do that a lot. I agree it's time I address these problems directly with therapy instead of blaming weed and whatever else I've done. These kind of interactions definitely help but I might look into counselling. Beta blockers helped before so I might see if I can get them again as a quick fix/short term aid. This all made sense, thanks again. I'm trying to learn to look at problems in this more mature and constructive way rather than my usual moping and defeatism. Hope I can reflect in a few years from a better place.
 
I have the same story man. IF you use drugs real young like I did (14) you don't end up growing up mentally/spiritually. You don't go through the normal growth stages.
 
I also continued smoking weed for a long time even though it was worsening my pre-existing anxiety and generally fucking me up mentally, having zero good effects on my life, just out of a desire to alter myself in some way and also paradoxically a desire to fit in with the people around me who smoked a lot more than I did and seemed to be fine... that was just the social group I most identified with so it was either that (I felt) or be totally alone in my youth. So I do identify with your experience here, I think this is something that a lot of people do, unfortunately.

My recommendation would be to take up a martial art, or, failing that, at least a sport of some kind that gives you a reason to look after yourself, as well as potentially some kind of social outlet even if it's literally just a few times a week and you barely talk to anyone, at first anyway. Exercise really is the best medicine psychologically (at least, for most anxiety/depression related disorders, obviously there are some things exercise can't help). You do need to commit to it though, and the easiest way to do this is to try a few different sports or types of exercise, and find something that you genuinely enjoy, or at least, can convince yourself is worth forcing yourself to pursue. This is the reason also that I suggest sports rather than just the more generic "exercise", although you may well find that something generic like running or lifting is your sport, in which case, great. Not to downplay your own efforts so far here either, but I hear a lot of the time that people "tried" exercise, it didn't work, didn't have an immediate effect, and they pretty much gave up on it, or just half-assed it and then gave up on it... sometimes it will have an immediate benefit but more likely you will need to commit for a good 6 months or so before you can look back and see the impact it has had on your life.

I understand of course that in the depths of depression induced apathy it can be hard to consistently motivate yourself to do anything, so ideally exercise would be part of a multi-pronged approach. The second thing I would suggest is forcing yourself to partake in social events around you - the easiest way to do this is to lean on the support structures that already (hopefully) exist in your own life, but potentially be a little more selective and a little more pro-active about them. By this I mean, hang out more with any friends who will make you push yourself and engage in positive activities, new experiences, etc, and start filtering out any influences in your life that are not doing you good. You may have already done this, but if you have friends who still smoke weed a lot you should hang out with them less, or ask that they don't smoke in your presence. If you have family that you are on reasonably good terms with, make more of an effort to spend time with them.

Once you've maxed out your existing support structures you can start thinking about building new ones. To do this the best thing to do is look for stuff going on in your local area - a good website you can use for this is meetup.com, for example, but there may be others - just pick a couple of things that look vaguely interesting and try to go to at least one new event a week... then later, maybe try to go to 2 new events a week. Even if you go, think fuck this, immediately turn around and leave, chalk that up as a win (I have done this, it happens). But eventually chances are if you stick at it you will get more and more comfortable in yourself and less and less anxious. The main point I am trying to get across here is that the best cure for social ineptitude and anxiety related issues is persistent exposure therapy, and even if you don't make any new friends doing this it will still have a good effect on your own self-worth.

Finally, just speaking from my own experience, therapy really does help although you might need to try a few different types of therapy if the first one you try doesn't work. You say you've tried therapy already, although you don't say what kind of therapy or for how long you kept it up. I recognise that I may have been fairly lucky in my own experiences because, in the 2 times in my life I've sought out therapy, both times have been pretty helpful, but by the sounds of it I also started out with slightly less severe symptoms. However in 2018 there are a lot of tools in the human psychotherapeutic arsenal, so if the first therapist you speak to is not helpful, or the first form of therapy you try doesn't work out, don't be afraid to ask to see a different therapist and/or to try something else! At the end of the day, these people are mental health professionals and no matter how uniquely terrible you may believe your own situation to be, chances are that you will have a lot more success getting yourself out of it with the help of someone who has actually studied human psychology than just trying to muddle through the same old patterns on your own.


So, in summary, my advice:

1) Exercise, ideally a sport that you enjoy

2) Persistent social exposure (make more of an effort to see positive people you have in your life already, and seek out new and unfamiliar social settings on a regular basis)
3) Therapy (just keep at it, if at first it's not helpful, try something else!)

Good luck! :)



EDIT:
Oops just realised this thread is almost 3 months old 8)... oh well, hopefully the OP or someone else can still benefit from my advice.
 
Top