Is it the alcohol

[yompf]

Ok so I'm here riding back in the company van , everyone is asleep we just went to "quarterlies" I work for a home improvement company. I'm a canvasser . Its mostly an award ceremony.
I'm wondering , looking at the freaking birds out the window, was it the fact I woke up drunk,and drank only half a 32...? We had to get up at 5 am. so I was pretty out of it.
It was horrible. I was mid anxiety attack /panicking . Owner of the company, the dudes from the scheduling Dept I call my leads into. All the higher up guys, all the other companies, everyone the whole company I work for.
My boss was like"pull yourself together" then he motioned with his eyes over to the big guys. Great.... You know how you can see someone with something wrong with them .? That was me, a really messed up look on my face, petrified, trying to hide my mouth with my hand.
During the break my boss told me he was going to fire me if I embarrassed him. Said what's with this weirdo shit.
So I told him I wasn't doing it on purpose , he said even on accident he didn't care.
Ha ha well I clapped for the people who got awards.
Really it was just embarrassing , to a couple people on my team for sure which makes me feel bad.... We had to get up in front of everyone and take a picture because our office is one of the best ones, anyway we were top office of the quarter. (Imagine the picture,i wasn't smiling )
I started having alcohol withdrawls in the middle of it, this was my first time there, I'm kinda new, I've been there since May but I missed a month due to a sprain. Twice ,so a little more then a month. The sprain happened, due to drinking on the job, don't tell my boss that...
So,I'm just thinking, would it of mattered if I woke up in a good mood , sober .... Would it really of mattered? I'm so screwed up, I'm a weirdo anyway out of all honesty. Ask anyone. Actually I think I should of drank more and I would of got through it. (I would of I ran out). I was really tired so my eyes looked bad and I would of been even more spacy looking... If I drank more... But that's it.
So on the lunch break, I googled a liquor store and overdrew my account for a half pint of vodka, (half of it is tucked in my sock atm)a red bull , and a thing of mouthwash...
(I overdrew my account the night before for a couple 32's) that's like a $70 charge.
So the alcohol equals this wreck of a person who wakes up drunk and drinks .
I'm a wreck anyway though. So really it's not the alcohol right? Course not.but whats the answer . Is there one? Like a way out of this? Some happiness I'll never obtain....? Is that the answer??

 

[Mafioso]

In all likelihood, alcohol is not the sole cause of your problems, but I really doubt that it is helping you in the long term. It is likely making your anxiety and fears worse once it wears off and you start to sober up. Using alcohol, or any substance for that matter, to handle or manage stress is not healthy and will likely make things worse. Not only do you have to deal with your intoxicated behavior and the following hangover, but you haven't addressed the root problem.

The way we think will define how we feel, whether we realize it or not. Alcohol or another substance might change how you feel and possibly how you think momentarily, but once it has left your body you will likely resort back to you initial way of thinking and managing stress.

 

[herbavore]

Yomf, that was a heartbreaking post. You are not a "weirdo". You need to get that fatalistic thought right out of your head. You are using alcohol, in dangerous amounts that are threatening your livelihood if not your life and you are in the spiral where it is so hard to see what is real and what isn't. The sad fact is that you cannot stop medicating with alcohol as long as you are running from these terrifying feelings of not fitting in, failure, etc. They are scary, those feelings, but they are generally made up by us subscribing to a reality that we needn't subscribe to. You've got to befriend yourself but first you have probably got to get away from alcohol (or any substitute for it). Any possibility at all you could go to detox/rehab? (It makes me furious to even have to write that question. Why should it not be possible for anyone that wants it??)

It does sound like your job may be hanging from a thread and I doubt the alcohol is going unnoticed, mouthwash or no mouthwash. Have you ever considered asking for help from someone on your team or even someone above you that you trust? Sometimes people can surprise you.

 

[Xorkoth]

Dependence on any substance tends to exacerbate emotional problems. It's my strong suspicion that your alcohol addiction is the result of your existing issues, rather than the cause of them, but it's making everything much worse. I should know, I was addicted to opiates for 10 years to deal with my abusive/controlling relationship/marriage I was in. I wasn't even aware that was why for a long time. The opiates made it temporarily easier to deny that something was wrong and make myself feel good/not care, but over time my addiction became another huge source of stress and feeling bad about myself, until it was even worse than my actual problems. Eventually I got to the point where I fully believed I'd never be able to stay off opiates, and I wanted to die every day, my life was one long episode of pain.

What I did eventually was finally split with my ex, and she moved away, far away, and she's no longer a part of my life at all. I got some counseling for the emotional issues that resulted from my relationship and addiction. I actually took ibogaine to get off opiates which was amazing and I'm glad I did it, basically once she left and I stabilized myself emotionally somewhat, I took a flood dose and it sort of reset my brain, and from there I worked really hard to eliminate the things from my life that were bad for me and causing me pain, and I filled those places with things that make me feel good about myself and happy; for me, it was playing music again, which is enough in itself to drastically improve my level of fulfillment in life without drugs, deepening my friendships, and spending a lot of time in nature. As time went on I felt better and better about myself and found I didn't need or even want opiates anymore because I felt SO much better than I ever did at any time while addicted to opiates. Even my highest highs were a hundred times worse than my low days are these days (that was 4 years ago that I quit). Eventually, because I was happy and content, I found a wonderful woman who complements my life. Today I'm happier than I've ever been.

Regardless of the specifics of how I did it, the key to being happy and fulfilled in life, and emotionally stable, is to take incremental steps. In general, there are underlying reasons why people become addicted to drugs/alcohol, or are miserable in general. Maybe it's that you can't stand where you live and can't connect with people there, or maybe it's because you're in an abusive relationship, or maybe it's because you feel aimless and don't know what to do with your time, or maybe it's because you have trauma in your past you haven't dealt with. Whatever it is, it's really important to identify those factors, and then begin taking steps to fixing them. Go to counseling, that's good advice regardless, get someone to talk through things with who can provide guidance and insight. If you are being oppressed by people, remove them from your life; you deserve better than that. If you hate where you live, try to find a place you don't hate. Whatever is wrong, there's something you can do to work towards fixing it. And just even making any progress will make you start to feel better about yourself, and it becomes easier and easier to make positive changes, and before you know it, your life will no longer feel so negative because the destructive influences are gone.

As you remove bad things from your life, try to think about what things would bring you happiness. Maybe you've always wanted to play music, or make art, or pursue a particular career that interests you. These are things you can do, and they will become things in your life that make you feel good about yourself and feel excited about waking up in the morning.

You're definitely drinking very problematically, and you won't really be able to feel better until you can curb that. But you can start making progress towards your goals and that should make it easier to stop. Talking to a drug counselor was helpful to me right after I quit, and it could be helpful to you whether you've quit or not. Rehab is an option too if it gets too overwhelming. Just like with anything else in life, take it one step at a time, and don't beat yourself up too much.

Good luck

 

[cdin]

man, this reminds me of my 20's. Yes. it's the booze, let me just say it plain. You need to quit. After the DT's, the first two weeks suck, then it's cake because you actually start feeling like a human. alcohol dts/the damage it does to your body is just too terrible. also it kills you so slowly. I got myself free and honestly - the money you'll save, how much better you'll feel... also, I am a grade-A genuine weirdO. Always, since a little kid. I'm not sure where you're at in life, bud i would guess early/mid twenties? If im right about that - just know it will get better. But not being drunk will help you to find/connect with actually cool people when you meet em. Cool dynamic people generally don't want to hang out with sad lushes. My life got way better once i changed that, I suspect yours will too.