Cudi
Bluelighter
- Joined
- Jan 25, 2015
- Messages
- 186
Lately I have been rather depressed. My thoughts control my life entirely and it keeps me in an endless cycle. At times I will feel extremely motivated, but mostly I'm just always tired and don't want to put in any effort into anything I do. I constantly live in guilt from my thoughts and impulses, and am ashamed of myself and the thoughts that go through my head. Thoughts of suicide, murder, pedophilia, incest, rage, everything. And before anyone says some stupid shit about how messed up I am and that I should be in jail, I have a completely clean record with no criminal charges. I do not act upon these thoughts, but they come up constantly and give me overwhelming anxiety all day.
I don't want to be like this, but I don't see any way out. I feel like these thoughts are going to run through my head for the rest of my life and I will always feel angry and depressed. I self-medicate heavily with alcohol and marijuana frequently. I attend a university and have an overall great GPA, but I'm losing focus and feel like everything I've worked for is about to collapse. I lack motivation and procrastinate everything. Most of the time I wake up very depressed and want to go back to bed, so I usually do and miss important classes. I hate the world I live in, I hate politics, I hate this game we all live in, and I hate myself. I can barely even hang out with family or friends anymore without being exhausted emotionally and how much I'm faking my emotions when I'm around them. The only thing stopping me from killing myself is the attachments I've formed in my life. Friends, family, everyone I've ever met. I feel extreme guilt if I killed myself and let everyone down and left them here shocked and confused.
I just want to know if there's a fix for what's going on inside my head. It's depressing and exhausting. I'm so self conscious I don't even want to leave my bed room to get food, because I don't want to see anyone and I don't want them seeing me.
I don't want to be like this, but I don't see any way out. I feel like these thoughts are going to run through my head for the rest of my life and I will always feel angry and depressed. I self-medicate heavily with alcohol and marijuana frequently. I attend a university and have an overall great GPA, but I'm losing focus and feel like everything I've worked for is about to collapse. I lack motivation and procrastinate everything. Most of the time I wake up very depressed and want to go back to bed, so I usually do and miss important classes. I hate the world I live in, I hate politics, I hate this game we all live in, and I hate myself. I can barely even hang out with family or friends anymore without being exhausted emotionally and how much I'm faking my emotions when I'm around them. The only thing stopping me from killing myself is the attachments I've formed in my life. Friends, family, everyone I've ever met. I feel extreme guilt if I killed myself and let everyone down and left them here shocked and confused.
I just want to know if there's a fix for what's going on inside my head. It's depressing and exhausting. I'm so self conscious I don't even want to leave my bed room to get food, because I don't want to see anyone and I don't want them seeing me.
