What destroying something beautiful looks like is me

[Legally High]

I was the smartest and most innocent kid, all the teachers loved me. But I've always been horribly anxious socially and in general, and after graduating high school I tried weed for the first real time. It was magical.....like living in a dream. I used it and felt panicky when I ran out. I felt like I really had a mental problem before this though. I had OCD habits since about puberty. Real.....hardcore......OCD in a way that people may act as if they have it for keeping things a certain way. For me it was much more powerful than this. It was about all aspects of my life. From religion, to numbers, to writing a t and and becoming anxious because it was like a cross and it needed to be a certain way, to writing scribbles by my bed from the thoughts and anxiety. Anxiety became my being. I wanted to retreat, I never felt right. I've been addicted to things since puberty and even before with video games and then masterbation then caffiene stimulant body building supplements, then grass then that was the tipping point, the grass, it's when I first was dependent on a drug I felt was powerful enough to and get seriously messed up on a daily basis.
I have used every drug, all the prescription non prescription highs, illicit, obscure, I've used it. I once was a kid who vowed never to say "shut up" that was the kind of person I was. So pure. And believing in good. I was like a hero. The strongest morals you can imagine. Little did I know one day I would be stealing pills from family members and friends, using until I was in torture from withdrawals. So sick I would beg my mother not to leave me. She did to go somewhere and I was full of betrayment as if my mother didn't care. When logically that makes no sense looking back. Drugs put me to shame. I damaged my organs. My gifted brain. I still have not overcome this disease. I take prescription medications daily and go through phases of abuse. Even though I've been to jail withdrawing from 5 drugs at the same time, opiates, benzos, weed, max dose Zoloft, long term phenibut addiction. The withdrawal in jail, I've never had a nightmare that even came close to

 

[Mafioso]

We all are capable of unimaginable things. Drugs take away our ability to think clearly and sort of highjack the brain through stimulation of the pleasure centers. The same part of the brain that is designed to reinforce behavior for survival is the same part of the brain that most drugs stimulate. After time, we can start craving drugs with the same parts of the brain that we crave food or sex. In the mind of someone suffering addiction, drugs are essential for survival. Especially when you are dependent on drugs like opioids, benzos or alcohol, getting high might really be potentially life or death.

I'm a poly drug addict as well, with my DOCs being primarily weed, opiods, and benzos about in that order. I've been forced to go cold turkey after getting locked up and suffered a psychotic episode while in jail. It's no fun and jail has to be one of the worst places to withdrawal.

Unfortunately, we will probably never get the brain we once had back, but we can at least stop the damage and begin the healing process. If you are young there is more hope, the brain doesn't stop developing until your mid 20s, but that doesn't mean it is hopeless for the older crowd. Things like proper nutrition and exercise can help stimulate the healing process. Your brain can at least start to function normally. Aerobic exercise is even believed to stimulate neurogenesis.

I'm not familiar with OCD, but I would think that things like art, writing, or building things might help you get some control.. something that requires a lot of attention and that striving for perfection isn't a bad thing.

 

[chompy]

I'm not sure what to tell you but the mind is very powerful. You sound young so your brain could be very plastic and recover easily. I am currently diagnosed with ptsd and the only thing that helps to relieve my problems is to lift weights or go on long walks/jogs and to eat healthy and try to form positive relationships or try to pass the time in a positive manner. I wish you the best.

 

[herbavore]

Be very wary of fatalism. Thinking that you are no longer the person you were is a false narrative and a dangerous one. The former you was not "good" and the present "you"is not bad. You are a person with struggles. You are trying to navigate and overcome behaviors and compulsions. Be proud of yourself for the struggle! You can emerge from addiction as a strong, compassionate and wise person. Sometimes our worst experiences really are the best teachers.