want to fucking kill myself

[washingtonbound]

I've been diagnosed bipolar which I really see as a catch all phrase for any kind of mood disorder, and over the past few years the symptoms have gotten worse and worse. People can see in in my face that I am struggling with something and therefore makes it impossible for me to hold jobs or make long term friendships. I am almost 23 and still live with my mom but I am trying to get out and move with my dad because she reminds me of my illness all the time. I don't get any joy waking up in the day, it rather a struggle to see if I can get through out with out smacking the shit out of myself (my form of self harm). Its clearly a neurobiological thing like all these illnesses are and I have zero relief from it. Been on all the pill mill drugs and been to facilities and it is like a revolving door. I really would just like to put some earmuffs on, and blow my fuckin off with no trace of survival. I am no longer able to live with intrusive thoughts all day every day and I hate how the world is going enough already that I really wanna call it quits already.

 

[SebastianSkip]

I imagine you’ve heard everything already that usually gets said. There may still be some treatment that helps bring you relief but as contrary as it sounds, it may just get better because it has to. I had relentless anxiety, bouts of depression and suicidal thoughts (with some attempts) and went through the pill-go-round (& the bi-polar diagnosis, i don’t have bi-polar not that there’s anything wrong with having it some of the best people do) and the psych facility revolving door...

Most psych meds made me worse not better or at least the side effects trade off didn’t seem worth it. Gabapentin ended up helping but it was originally prescribed for pain. Other than propranolol for panic, it’s the only psych med I’ve ever done well on and gotten relief from. I also got some relief from acupuncture (I didn’t believe in it and Idk how/why it helps but it did), vit D, b12 and magnesium. I’m not saying you should try these just, it took a long time before I found these treatments and only the propranolol was prescribed by a pdoc (even then it was after I asked about a different similar med).

But beyond a medication that didn’t suck and was helpful I really think I just burned out. It sounds weird and it’s not the full version of things but it’s part of it. I think I was trying so hard to be better that when I sort of gave up and accepted myself more things got a little easier and then easier... I stopped caring that I’m a f*ck up and that my life would never be even 1/2 what I thought it’d be. After years of hiding mental illness I couldn’t hide any more. I had self harm scars and kinda like you mentioned, what felt like too much visible evidence of my f*ckedupedness.

I’m not good at inspirational pep talks, wish I could give you more but I do believe it’ll get better for you. I’m in my 40s and most people I know had their most difficult years around your age. If you can get exercise that’s what helps my intrusive thoughts most, I count my steps or repeat a mantra and it gives me a break.

 

[SebastianSkip]

p.s. idk how your mom always reminds you of illness but if you haven’t tried this already consider trying to do something enjoyable with her like go to a movie (I go to movies with my dad sometimes) or cook dinner/desert. She could be trying to hard to help and not realize she’s treating you like a problem or a diagnosis (if that’s what’s happening)

 

[JessFR]

One of the reasons I ran away from home a long time ago was my mom was always hurting me without meaning too. The shit she'd say would really upset me. What you're saying reminds me a lot of it.

I tried once for a while to explain to her how she was hurting me. Took me a while to work it out, but eventually I realized that she's emotionally screwed up too. And she can't emotionally handle me telling her how she was hurting me. She'd always over react and tell me I was the one with the problem and I just needed to stop being "so sensitive" to what she said.

She doesn't want to hurt me, she doesn't mean too, but she's screwed up too. She can't handle the criticism of me saying how she hurt me. Eventually I ran away cause I knew living with her would kill me.

How feasible is you leaving? Not just to your dad but away from your parents entirely? For me living with my mom was a big part of why I was having so much trouble coping. And I don't know about you but for me I'd find it mentally tough living with a parent at all in general principle. I need the freedom of being away from my family. Even if they didn't hurt me so much.

 

[Mafioso]

30 minutes of aerobic exercise has been shown to increase dopamine and serotonin levels as well as trigger the release of endorphins, all of which should help improve your mood. Having a healthy diet can really help with being balanced as well, your body can't make neurotransmitters if it doesn't have the right building blocks. Supplements can help ensure your body and brain are getting the proper nutrients if you are struggling to reach all your dietary needs with food. Starting the day with a run has helped me with depression, it's not a cure but it does help. I find playing music to be very therapeutic as well, I feel like I can express emotions that I'm not able to express otherwise. A lot of troubled people find art to be a good escape.

Beyond that, it sounds like it would be good for you to find a new living situation.

The world is one big mad house right now, I try to avoid watching news and things like that because it is just maddening. Is there anything that you are passionate about? Something that keeps you interested day after day and continually progress in?

 

[washingtonbound]

Thanks for the response, Jess. I actually did the leaving home thing a year and a half ago now. I had had a particularly bad night and just said: I've had it, packed a backpack and left. It would have been fine but I was too young to know what I was doing and as a result had all my stuff stolen and ended up making my way back. In all honesty every day is difficult. I know it's not because my mom intends to do it but she has emotional upswings because of the divorce she recently had and I'd really just rather not be around for it. She is very flighty and doesn't know how to communicate without pissing me off. She is also very sensitive about me smoking weed because of past episodes, and would rather shove the psychiatric approach down my throat than be tolerant of weed. This is is just a small example but today after driving me to meet a friend in charlotte (I went with her to Greensboro for high point), she started to criticize me/herself to "enable me to go get lit." Everything she says makes me uncomfortable and I am just looking to take myself the fuck out of my situation. I just need a good job where I can pay for whatever I want to do and just don't have to be around her all the time anymore. Sorry to rant but this is just an example of what I deal with living with her 24/7. My dad is probably worse. Just because of an unfortunate bout I had with some research chemicals a couple years ago my life has not been the same since; I've failed to move out on my own and am left with parents who piss me off.

 

[SebastianSkip]

Rant away! Seriously, if it helps. Plus, I don’t see you as ranting at all. I read everything you’re saying as just ‘this is how I feel and what I’m dealing with’.

I ran away from home as a teen and I ended up in some bad situations. I really believe our society’s way of setting up family is f*cked. My parents were screwed up and dumped their sh*t on me, they still do to a certain extent but now I just insist they help me if I help them and over time they got better (my mom got therapy and my dad worked out a lot of his anger issues).

Do you have a thrift store in your area? It can be pretty easy to get a job at one even if you’re screwed up. In fact, Goodwill makes a point of hiring people that need a first job or a job to get references after having issues. Also, of all the jobs I’ve had thrift stores were my favorite. The people I worked with were usually cool and the customers are less often sh*theads. If not that maybe look into a volunteer gig. It’s a no pressure way to get a job reference and maybe even a job. You never have to mention it on an application if things go south. When it comes to feeling stuck/trapped and having to rely on screwed up people that are actively making life more difficult for your basics, I relate. It’s an incredibly stressful situation to add to managing mental health.

I’m rooting for you. Keep sharing if it helps (or maybe even if it doesn’t seem to, who knows...)

 

[herbavore]

Having a diagnosis is a double edged sword. On the one hand it can lead to a greater understanding of yourself but on the other hand it can be a way to shrink down your entire glorious reality into one word (stigmatized in your own mind as well as other's). Try to forget the word bipolar and focus instead on behaviors or struggles that you have and develop strategies to deal with them. That's really all any of us are doing--trying to learn our own minds and how to create lives that support them.

 

[ShroomySatori]

You arr still young, there is plenty of hope for you. Perhaps try and realize that the negative emotions are not perpetual. What if you turned your life around. I am 29 and 2 weeks off a 5 year heroin addiction. The first week of cold turkey withdrawal I had perpetual suicidal thoughts. I'm doing better now, but I don't have anything left but my fiery spirit and my education and my life totally sucks right now. Things can get better over time and it would be a shame if you didn't give yourself the chance to find out. I think having structure in life and a plan for the future is very important. I can relate as I have borderline disorder. I'm trying to manage my emotions better and not sabotage my potential with drugs. I wish you the best and don't forget that there are definitely people who care about you. I deal with crushing loneliness a lot and it is hell sometimes. Besides, what if you are reincarnated as a sewer rat on a planet a a few million light years away. I personally think that suicide is no escape from the cycle of death and rebirth. Focus on yourself and not what other people in your life think of you. I have suicidal thoughts all the time but I just would not do that to myself, I got in way over my head with the drugs but so long as there is a smidgen ifmhope I'll be sticking around. I hate thr modern day world too and it's hard to find the incentive to participate in a society that I sometimes view as a plague upon our beautiful planet.