Thanks for sharing Totbot. Sounds like you have the desire to get clean, which is huge as many people don?t even get to that point. I know how you feel about wanting that sober clean life back after having it for several years. I had 4 years of sobriety at one point and I want it back desperately. Those were, by far, the best 4 years of my life. It all fell apart when I went to the Dr to get relief from an anxiety disorder and ended up on Benzos for 6 weeks. I was abusing them within 2 weeks and by the end of 6 weeks I was taking 6-8 mg of Klonopin a day. I was so looped out on the Klonopin that I ended up drinking one day after 4 years of not drinking. Alcohol was my original addiction. That scared the shit outta me, so I threw out the Klonopin. Big mistake. The withdrawals from the Klonopin were the single most painful and traumatic experience of my entire life, and that?s saying something because Ive been through my fair share of shit. It gave me mild PTSD it was so bad. Benzo withdrawals are the absolute worst. I?ve read many accounts of people saying it?s worse than heroin withdrawal. I?ve never done heroin so I can?t independentky verify that claim, but I believe it. I spent 2 weeks in fetal position on the couch unable to sleep. It was a combination of the worst anxiety I?ve ever experienced, worst depression I?ve ever experienced, worst insomnia I?ve ever experienced, and worst nausea/dysphoria I?ve ever experienced. 6 months later I was still having symptoms. The anxiety was severe. Anyway, that sent me on a 3 year nightmare of relapses on various substances. I kept trying to self medicate to get relief from withdrawals. Then I?d end up in withdrawals from the substance I used to self medicate with. It was a chain reaction that has ruined the last 3 years of my life. Now Im determined to get off the Kratom to put a stop to this madness. I take Lexapro for anxiety and it works like a charm. I?ve been busting my ass in my Outpatient program, AA, NA, and therapy, as well as meditating, getting excersize, and trying to be helpful to others. I feel like the life I had during those 4 years of sobriety is at my fingertips and will be here as soon as I get through these Kratom withdrawals. I almost lost everything over the last 3 years, including my wife and my business. Im very lucky to have some very supportive and understanding friends and family, so that?s been incredibly helpful. My wife and I are on good terms again and my business is doing alright. Im so close, yet so far. But im determined and don?t know how to give up, so im very hopeful and excited for the future. Much love and respect to all battling this disease.