Issues with my family around my recovery...

[lman_15]

I just want to say thank you for reading this, I know it might be long, but I really think the background details are necessary to put everything into perspective. Also, thanks for the input, I have a bad temper and am really trying to evaluate things from multiple perspectives and get input from as many people as possible to get a balanced perspective before making decisions.

So I've had a drug problem since about 13 years old, everything from weed, ecstacy, blo, #4, oxys, benzo's, etc. by the time I was 16 I was homeless for 3 months for refusing to go to treatment, at 21 I went to treatment for close to a year (when you include halfway houses, etc.). I had a pretty good stint of sobriety around 3 years clean and sober from everything and then relapsed. I'm currently on an outpatient suboxone program, I started around 80mg of methadone and switched to suboxone and my current daily dose is 12mg of suboxone and I have all my carries, so I think personally I'm doing pretty well. Rest of my life is pretty good too, got a girlfriend of 2.5 years, 2 classes away from graduating university and have a big bank interview tomorrow morning. Regardless I've had recurring issues with my step mother.... and why is this important? well I don't live with my dad and since my parents divorced when I was 12 I haven't seen him much, my mom got custody and I kinda just fucked off and did my own thing. Since I've got sober for the first time at 21 I've tried to rebuild my father and I's relationship.. However, the drama around my stepmom is a huge reason why I don't want to be around his house/him. I love my dad, I just can't stand all the drama with my stepmom. I also, just don't like feeling shitty about myself and my stepmom does a really good job of making me feel like shit lol...

So we're at my Dad's b-day dinner and I met my family downtown because I had to go see my suboxone doctor before the dinner (I see my doc every Tuesday), I arrive and everything's going great, my stepmom brought up some hot button topics around politics and other things we don't necessarily agree on, yet we were able to navigate that terrain without incident. I bring up how an old friend of mine (one of my best friends from when I was 15-21) was back in town. Now this is when things start getting derailed. Both my stepmom and dad start talking about how this friend was "a bad influence". I defend my friend and say when he was younger he made a lot of mistakes as have I but now he's doing great, he moved to Vancouver (originally from Ontario) to get sober and is only smoking weed and doesn't even drink anymore. So this is when my father steps out of the conversation (he's still at the table just not engaging in the convo, he's strictly listening at this point, the only people talking are me and my stepmom). So my stepmom brings up the influence of my friends on my drug addiction. Now this is kind of a catch 22, because majority of my friends back then are my friends now and half are doing well and half aren't (i.e. half are in active addiction and half are in recovery). On the one end if I say yea they were bad influences it looks like I have and do still have a poor judge of character and shitty friends or I say they didn't and basically own that my addiction was 100% my own fault. Well I didn't like how that question was positioned and the potential implications of how I answer (see above analysis) so I explain what I think caused my addiction and said "There are a large number of factors that influence addiction and can cause you to be predisposed and more likely to engage in addictive behaviours ranging from: gender, age, genetics, environmental, cultural, friend group, availability, etc." (So I'm a 28 year old male, living in the city, have a family history of addiction (grandparents and great grandparents), parents divorced at a young age, not a lot of parental supervision growing up, etc. etc. so I would be more likely to develop an addiction than say a 28 year old female, living in the country, with a family that has no history of addiction, with an intact family) So I believe my friends were an influence but really only a small part of the bigger picture which really "creates" addiction. Other influences, would be my self/the individual, my parents divorce, my genetics and the fact that my grandparents and great grandparents were alcoholics and chain smokers, the lack of supervision I had when I was a teenager, my friend group, the availability of drugs in the area I live, etc. So this would be a great place to end this conversation, my stepmom brought up a relatively sensitive topic, asked some questions that were tricky to navigate but with some careful manuvouring I got out unscathed. And the original question did your friends influence you addiction got answered in a very thought out reply.

So this is where things get REALLY derailed. My stepmom continues the conversation and basically inserts herself within the life framework I've just described (see above paragraph) and says I grew up the exact same way you did but I never did drugs and never got addicted so I don't get how you did? I further emphasize our difference's she's female I'm male, I was born in 1990 and she was born in 1970's, she grew up in a suburb 30 min outside of the city, I grew up in the city, her parents were together, mine were divorced, she had a lot of parental supervision I had none. Anyways, she basically just ignores all of this and says no, those factors don't influence it. She says that she grew up the same way I did yet she never did drugs and never even drank before the age of 19. She goes on and on about how available drugs were where she grew up, how her best friend dated some guy who used drugs, how drugs were always around them, yet they chose to never indulge because that wasn't something her friends were ok with. At this point I'm pretty frustrated. She is continually inserting herself within my life frame work pretending as if everything was being held constant and the same for her and saying that she never did drugs. To a person who is in recovery, I really don't know how else to take this, that you're being an asshole? What she's implying is that all the other things are being held constant, yet she never did drugs, so what variable is left? The individual...

I'm still in recovery and still trying to stay sober, so this is all pretty touchy for me... So some further background, when I went to rehab everyone visited me except for her. Then this previous summer, she handed me an article about safe injection sites opening up, I'm a huge advocate for harm reduction so I was like "sweet finally things moving in the right direction" she responds with "I don't see the point, all you're doing is prolonging the inevitable (i.e. prolonging the addicts unpreventable death)".. Also, when she said she hasn't drank before the age of 19, my brother after the dinner reminded me that she has on several occasions brought up how easy it was for her to drink underage, buy booze underage and go to bars and clubs underage because ID's back then didn't have photos. So she's not necessarily someone who's very empathic to those with addiction issues... Also, she's notorious for causing drama between us kids and her. Essentially my real mom said "I don't get what she's trying to do? She wants to cause drama with Mark (our father's) kids so she can have him all to herself? I just don't understand why she's motivated to pit you guys against your dad, she must want him all to herself" Anyways that statement summarizes what she does, she's constantly causing drama between me and her, my sister and her, etc. and then my dad gets stuck in the middle. So much so, that my sister is "banned" from my dad's house because of my stepmom, they are all also going to therapy (my dad, sister and stepmom), so this isn't an isolated incident or something that's occurred once, its a recurring problem..

So lets just assume for 2 second that she isn't trying to cause drama, if that was the case then she wouldn't have inserted herself within the context of the question for comparison reasons, she would've acknowledged the differences between us (i.e. man vs woman, Toronto vs Brampton, 44 vs 28, divorced family vs intact, etc. etc.) and she wouldn't have lied to give the impression that she'd never done or used drugs under the age of 19.

To me, it came off as incredibly rude and insensitive to my issues and personal struggle. It came off as though she was trying to paint herself in a positive light for not engaging in drug use and portraying me in a negative light for using drugs. I duno, I'm really overwhelmed with negative emotions so I'd love some perspective and input, how would you deal with this situation? Do you think I have a right to be upset or am I blowing this out of proportion? How can I navigate this fucked up relationship? I love my dad and want him to be happy and not stressed all the time, it's just hard for me be to nice to someone when I feel as though they are personally attacking me every time I visit and also to someone who is super unempathic to my situation..

Was she being a cunt?

Do I have a right to be pissed?

She also tried to apologize at the very end and was like "I'm so sorry I didn't mean to offend you, blah, blah, blah" in my opinion she's either socially retarded/illiterate or blatantly trying to be rude and cause drama... would love some input, thanks guys!

 

[Vastness]

So for some reason I read all of that so I'll give you my input. Obviously your step-mom sees the fact that she didn't become addicted to drugs as some kind of great moral victory rather than, as you observed, likely to be largely a result of circumstance. Ultimately we are all products of our genetics and our environment and it's impossible to say how anyone would have ended up had they lived a different life. For this reason I also find it infuriating when people try to pull the whole "I've had a hard life but I turned out great, why can't everyone else just do the same?!" thing, or something similar which it sounds like is basically what your step-mom is doing. I would say she isn't being deliberately rude however, she's just ignorant. On the flipside though, as long as free will is a concept that humans subscribe to, individual choices do play a role, and I don't really see an issue with you owning your addiction because despite your life circumstances, it was still, to some extent, a result of your choices. Everyone makes mistakes and there's nothing wrong with admitting to making one, and perhaps your step-mom also thought you were trying to sidestep any responsibility for your choices by putting everything down to the cards you were dealt in life that were out of your control.

It's good to be aware of the role that your genetics and your environment play in your life because it keeps you humble, but on the other hand you don't want to lose sight of the role that your choices play in shaping your life because it will affect your will to enact change in the future. Not saying your step-mom was in the right here, it does sound like she is just ignorant and probably quite sheltered and drug-naive, which is a recipe for judgemental attitudes when it comes to substances... but the development of this attitude is not something that will have been entirely under he conscious control either.

I'm not entirely sure I have any real advice for you except to try to present an alternative perspective, that neither of you is 100% right in your convictions but there is a middle ground where you acknowledge that yes your choices played a role in your addiction, and yes, perhaps even if you had different friends you would have gone down a different road, but you stand by your reasons for choosing your friends, who are flawed and imperfect people with their own struggles just like everyone else, and just remind her that even if your upbringing was similar (in her view, not saying it actually was), the differences matter and who can really say how she would have reacted had she lived your life instead of her's... and if she doesn't want to accept this then really that's her loss. But people generally find it quite disarming when you acknowledge the truth in what they are saying rather than just flat our disagreeing with them, and if it is unavoidable that you are going to have to spend time with her to have a relationship with your dad then you are going to have to find some way mentally to deal with being around her, and in a way that doesn't just create festering resentments for both of you which will chip away at your psychological well-being.

You don't have to keep going over the same ground either, you can present your case and if you feel she is not being rational just refuse to discuss it any further. On the other hand, being around someone who you find stressful to be around is at some point just not going to be good for you, and given that this is a recurring problem you have to weigh up if it is even worth the effort. Your dad bears some responsibility for this as well in not standing up to his current partner if he disagrees with them, and if he is unwilling to do this and it affects your relationship despite your best efforts then that is on him, not you, as sad as it might be.

 

[BeachBum4u]

I'll try to make this as succinct as I can. It sounds like you're doing pretty darn well, first off. There's no point in trying to figure out if she's socially retarded, a cunt (as you so eloquently stated) or whatever. The deal is that to you she is damaged goods and you spending time around her serves you nothing positive whatsoever. So, continue the good work you're doing and seriously limit, if not eliminate, the time you spend in her company. If you want to spend time with your father, try to meet him when she's not at the house with him or meet him outside the house with it just being the two of you. I'm sorry you have such an ass in your life but knowing that, it's now up to you to look out for number one. Best of luck!

 

[SamanthaB]

I am really sorry that you are having these issues with your father and step-mother. That being said, I wholeheartedly agree with BeachBum4u above. In addition, you seem to be trying really hard to do what is right for you in your recovery and she is sabbatoging that for some reason and is incredibly unsupportive and judgemental. And, her apology is really hollow after all the things she said before that. It does not really matter why she is like she is at this point. She is what she is and you have to deal with it and do what is best for you. There is no reason you cannot have a relationship with your father on your own without her. If he asks at some point why you do not want to be around her, all you have to say is she is not a positive person for you to be around at this time in your life and what is really important to you is to build a good close relationship with him. There is no law that says you ever have to have a relationship with her. Hopefully, your father will not push for that at your expense. At some point in the future, your step-mother may realize the error of her ways, but do not count on it. But, hey, she just might. She obviously has some insight into her deplorable behavior. If she approaches you later and she wants to know why you do not want to be around her, all you have to say is she is not supportive, which is not good for YOU. I know you would like to say a lot more, but being judgmental like her will not serve you well. I do not think you would do this, but whatever you do, do not try to drive a wedge between your father and step-mother, cause you will most likely lose. Say as little to your father about her as possible. Good luck and keep up the great work with your recovery

 

[pofacedhoe]

OP

you sound like an intelligent young man

this woman is comparing her partners son to her in a battle of moral superiority

its a paper thin competition she is inventing between her partners son and herself. She is jealous of the attention you are getting. its what a 4 year old would do

why do you care what she thinks? she sounds like a fucking idiot


yes she is trying to paint you in a bad light but by doing that she is painting herself in a bad light too by lowering herself to some next level of childish fool tactics.

yes i too would be annoyed BUT put all of that to one side and forget about it. she wants you to not come back, the ultimate win is for you to not be put off and develop your relationship with your dad in spite of her childish attacks. also invite him out for lunches where she is not present if possible just for some father son bonding time. it will sound like a normal thing to do because it is and she really doesn't need to be there during a boys time activity. find out when she is at work and he is not. obvious

at that point where she started talking shit about living the same life as you i would have said lets agree to disagree and then have caused a distraction topic with something you know gets her automatically riled up

this is how to control a conversation with idiots who like drama- find their trigger subject where they cannot control their own anger (trust me- someone as judgemental as her will have other judgmental trigger subjects that boil her blood) and when they push things bring up the trigger subject. know your idiots

you will have to interact with her again or have a limited relationship with your dad, be diplomatic dont take it personally- look at how she is mentally weak and jealous and see it for what it is. In fact while you could say "why are you trying to compete with me" it would be so fucking pointless because she is an idiot. the best thing is agree to end topic, distract with something flamable and set her off and then keep throwing in the odd bit of firewood to keep it going. When she is angry no-one will find it attractive.

 

[JessFR]

Yes you have a right to be pissed. She's both wrong and in the wrong.

But as for what you should do? Well, what I would do is not even try and argue with her. Either ignore or, or tell her to shut it. But you can't win an argument with someone like that. Trying is a waste of energy.

Really in your position I would want to leave. But that's what I do, I run away from my problems. But since I am my problem the running never stops, so maybe that's not a real solution.

Really I'm not sure what you can do. In the long term I think you should find a way to get away from negative influences in your life. She's not helping your sobriety doing this shit. In the meantime, like I said, you can't win with people like her. You can tolerate it and ignore her. Or you can confront her and tell her you don't want to hear it. You'd have a better idea which would be the better way to go than I would.

You could try arguing with her, but as you've seen, she won't listen. You're right of course, even if you two did have a similar upbringing, you aren't the same people. It's a stupid argument. And as for your friends. The bad influence argument is crap. And it's disrespectful to you. You're not a child. Regardless. It's not random who we become friends with. Part of the reason I wound up on drugs was cause all my friends did drugs. But the reason I wound up with those friends was because those were the kind of people I felt more accepted by. I felt rejected by everyone else. And I suspect most of them felt that way too. And that's why most of us got on drugs, to cope with that shit. It's a chicken and egg situation.

Regardless, it's irrelivent. You're an adult and you can hang out with who ever you want.

My mom isn't perfect, shes hurt me pretty bad over the years. But I can't credit her enough for this, even if I didn't always like when she expected me to grow up pretty quickly, she's always expected me to act like an adult and treated me like one, from 18 onwards and maybe even a little while before, she's always expected me to take care of my own life and make my own choices as an adult. She's never been one to believe in treating your children like children much beyond 18. And that's the way I wanted it. I mention this because growing up with her, it sometimes shocks me how different it was to some other people. The idea that my mom would suggest any of my friends are bad influences, like I'm 13 years old and not fit to be responsible for my choices, is totally foreign to me.

To her, after 18 you're an adult. You bare full and total responsibility for your choices, nobody else. But from what I've seen, that's unusual. In my generation it's increasingly the case that both others of my age and their parents both expect them to still be big children. This isn't so much true of my friends, cause all of them like me had pretty rough childhoods and had to grow up and get away pretty young. But that doesn't seem to be the norm. Point is, way I was raised. Nobody has any buisness commenting that anyone you hang out with is a "bad influence" today. And as for when you were a kid, it's still stupid. Cause like I said, it's not random the kind of people you gravitate towards. And you and her are different people, her comparison is obviously BS.

Good luck man. I think in the long term you should consider leaving. Until then, I wouldn't bother trying to argue. It's enormously frustratingly, pointless and exhausting.

 

[Ravr]

lol