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October Getting/Staying Clean/Sober Thread v Cool Nights and Falling Leaves

simco

Bluelight Crew
Joined
Aug 20, 2014
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This thread is for anyone interested in improving their life this month.

Quitting drugs? Cutting back? Limiting harmful thoughts and behaviors?
Write it all down!


:D :D :D :D :D :D :D :D :D :D


September's thread is archived here.​
 
Greetings all :D

Wow, I'm the first one here? Okay, well let me start by wishing you all the best in your recovery and everything else.

A lightbulb just went off in my head and I just realized that this was the thread I was looking for! Well, actually the July one, and of course the reason I couldn't find it was because it's a monthly thing. I obviously don't have the balls to start my own addiction/detox/recovery (depending on what day it is) journal yet since I've started two and deleted them, and I don't want to hijack somebody else's thread to babble about myself!

Anyway, I remember July 8th vividly... I had just about tapered off of everything and I was feeling the best I had in years. The weather was perfect and I went for a long walk on the beach, which is literally a two-minute walk from my house. I realized that in my addiction I couldn't even remember the last time that I had been there, and I posted in the July thread how good it felt to breathe the fresh air. (I think I deleted it on a bad day as usual) I was really coming back to life for the first time in years...

I haven't been back to the beach since.

It's almost two months later, and I've just been caught up in that same cycle of addiction all summer. I start to abuse one substance, which then leads to either needing something else to "take the edge off", or running out of the first one and needing something else for the withdrawal. I'm a broken friggin' record and I feel like I've been living in "Groundhog Day" forever. I'm really disgusted with myself right now.

This is going to be depressing, but I need to go back through my handwritten journals from July on, and see exactly when, where, why and how this keeps happening.

I mean, I know why it happens (besides the fact that I'm just an addict in general); I start coming back to life and really feeling things again and it's awesome, then it starts to become completely overwhelming for me and I feel like I need something to take my brain back down a few notches. It happens every single time. Every. Single. Time.

I'll try to wrap this up before I get too depressed.

The good news is that I really haven't been abusing any one substance all that much. I really try to mention the specifics as little as possible for anti-triggering purposes, but basically it's been alcohol, Ativan, Vyvanse and opioids like Percocet.

I am prescribed 4mg of Ativan and 60mg of Vyvanse a day, along with 10mg Lexapro and 45mg Remeron. The Ativan and Vyvanse never last me the entire month. Sometimes I run out in a week or two, and that's where the cycle begins.

Of course, I never tell my therapist because I do need some medication and can't be cut off completely. It's a shame because I've always been 100% honest with him about everything else. He knows things about me I've never shared with anyone. (nothing creepy LOL, just personal stuff) He's a brilliant, caring therapist and I can't afford to lose his trust, so this is my one big secret.

Individually, these substances wouldn't be all that much. Most of what I use is actually in therapeutic range... albeit on the high end. Of course, just because it's prescribed doesn't necessarily make it right or good. (I have a friend who's getting Fentanyl, Opana, Ativan, Seroquel, Trazadone and a couple other things all from the same doctor!)

Okay, let me go before I put you all to sleep 8(

Peace, Love and Faith,
Dreamflyer
 
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Hey, Dreamflyer...I used these monthly threads as a de facto journal for quite a while before I decided to start a thread of my own. Feel free to use the monthly threads as much as you like :D
 
Thanks everyone :D It always makes me feel better to know I'm not alone, even though I hate seeing anyone else going through this same hell :(

It always works out that by the end of each month I'm running out of everything and forced to taper off. I always seem to have one really good week at the start of each month (like I mentioned before about July 8th), before the cycle begins all over again. I'm just going into that "good week" now, which is why I feel alive and able to connect with people better.

I'm really worried about this month though.

I mentioned on another thread last month that my mom's stomach problems (extreme pain, nausea, etc.) got so severe that she finally started seeing doctors, which is something that she never does. She's already had a couple things checked (gallbladder and pancreas, I think) and they were fine. On October 12th she's seeing a gastroenterologist, who will probably then schedule an endoscopy or whatever.

Right around that time is when I get my prescriptions filled.

Now more than ever, I need to take care of myself to be there for her and the rest of my family. At the same time of course, I'm going to be an absolute bundle of nerves and wanting to self-medicate in the worst possible way.

Also, I stress out more each day about finding a job. I left my last one because my addiction got to the point where I was using just to make it through each day of work... to make enough money for more drugs... so I could use enough to make it through another day of work... etc. My plan was to quit everything cold turkey (or on a very fast taper), be back to 100% within a few months and get back to work ASAP.

That was two years ago.

I have cut down tremendously on everything. I've also done intensive work with my therapist to get a handle on the demons that have been haunting me my entire life (growing up with a violent alcoholic father, getting bullied, suffering panic attacks, etc.). Sometimes I need to stop beating myself up and realize just how far I've come in the past two years. My entire outlook on everything is a thousand times better than it was back then.

Anyway, I didn't plan on turning this into another novel so I'll wrap it up. Hope you all have a great night (or day, depending on where you are).

Peace, Love and Faith,
Dreamflyer
 
We love your posts Dreamflyer. :) <3 Post away. You help so many people by sharing.

The cycle is vicious. Nauseating. Devastating. But-I agree w you We may be messing up right now but we've still come a long way from where we were. I mean very long. I was using 21 bags a day IV when I was posting 3yrs ago. Plus, I never posted in SL. My attitude and mental health has drastically changed for the better. It's a process. A very long one!

I haven't used in over a month. Yesterday, the guy that's going to pick me up at the airport when I go home called to ask me how much I want so he has everything ready in advance. :\ And I'm going through a lot of depression as of late, so I almost burst out crying when he asked me. I left it at "I don't know man. I'm trying to avoid all that." It's so difficult. :(

Hope everyone one is in a good place today. <3
 
Hey all :D

Well, yesterday turned out to be a really good day. I got to hang out with some great old friends that I hadn't seen in a long time due to their hectic schedules. I made it through the day with just my antidepressants and two tiny little puffs of cannabis. I felt so good that I was up until dawn reading, writing, eating and watching TV.

Unfortunately, I made the mistake of trying to force my mind and body to sleep when they didn't really want to go. I should know from experience that I'm better off staying up in a situation like that. I started to doze off for about 20 minutes before getting startled awake by a night terror/panic attack, which left me feeling unnerved for a couple hours. (I just learned online that it's extremely common in people with anxiety for that to happen. Basically, your brain perceives falling asleep as a threat and releases a buttload of adrenaline and cortisol.) I feel okay now though.

10yrs: Thanks so much!!! If my withdrawal-induced ramblings actually help anyone then it's all worth it :D Congratulations on not using for over a month. That's awesome! Just remain positive and I know you'll be fine.

Peace, Love and Faith,
Dreamflyer
 
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this is my first time ever entering this subforum after being on bluelight for a long time. I am looking for a change. Its very hard to reconcile the idea that i would never use drugs again, especially psychedelics since they mean so much to me on a personal level even though I only use them a few times a year. I guess thats why they say take it day by day? Because thinking about never touching drugs again is just unreal to me right now. Are group meetings worthwhile? They seem kind of kookie to me with all the higher power stuff, and I'm worried about meeting other users, because i don't have access to a street dealer anymore...for the better. But having a real life support network that knows what i feel like seems like it could help

I know that I must not do alcohol and MJ and opiates anymore. The havoc on my mental heatlh, my marriage and professional life that these drugs bring is what I really want to escape. I am down to about 0.01 mg of suboxon per day (don't laugh...i cannot sleep unless i do this at night).
 
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this is my first time ever entering this subforum after being on bluelight for a long time. I am looking for a change. Its very hard to reconcile the idea that i would never use drugs again, especially psychedelics since they mean so much to me on a personal level even though I only use them a few times a year. I guess thats why they say take it day by day? Because thinking about never touching drugs again is just unreal to me right now. Are group meetings worthwhile? They seem kind of kookie to me with all the higher power stuff, and I'm worried about meeting other users, because i don't have access to a street dealer anymore...for the better. But having a real life support network that knows what i feel like seems like it could help

I know that I must not do alcohol and MJ and opiates anymore. The havoc on my mental heatlh, my marriage and professional life that these drugs bring is what I really want to escape. I am down to about 0.01 mg of suboxon per day (don't laugh...i cannot sleep unless i do this at night).

Hey LucidSDreamer welcome to Sober Living. It is my favorite forum on bluelight. Sobriety is definitely worth it and with the drugs that you are having problems with it only gets worse. I have been working hard on my sobriety over the last 2.5yrs with some relapses and struggles here and there but I have put together significant clean time before and taking it one day at a time is very important. I find recovery groups to be awesome simply because I get bored and lonely so easily and don't know what to do with myself. I crave interaction and if you find the right group than the people really are great.. They are friendly, open and they really want to help. I just started going back to groups again after a relapse and after 2 groups I have already gone out to Uno's after a group with some guys and gals where they bought me pizza because I am broke at the moment, got invited to game night on Friday, found a work out partner and have a new sponsor that I am going to start going through the steps again with.

If you feel you need support than 12step meetings are awesome. Don't just do the meetings but get involved with the extracurricular activities because that is where the bonding, friendship and fun takes place. It truly does help to have like minded people with the same goals to surround yourself with. I wouldn't get too hung up on the higher power thing. You can always replace God or higher power with something like positive vibrational energy or really anything you want such as the power of the group.

Good luck and keep posting... Nice to run into you in SL as I usually run into you in Drug Culture:)

I don't know how to post two different quotes from separate people...... 10Yearsafter.... That is rough and I am sorry you are having to go through all that with your husband, mother in law and the dreaded having the drugs offered to be waiting on your arrival. I have been through that so many times and certainly understand the mental struggle. Hang in there girl. You know it gets better. Do what ever you have to do to squash that reservation. Don't wait to long to close that option or the anticipation/cravings will only increase as the time gets closer and closer to them becoming a reality because you are giving your addictive brain a window of hope and possibility. By the time arrives your mind will have already snowballed making the decision a lot harder. Keeping you in my prayers.

<3Somni
 
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this is my first time ever entering this subforum after being on bluelight for a long time. I am looking for a change. Its very hard to reconcile the idea that i would never use drugs again, especially psychedelics since they mean so much to me on a personal level even though I only use them a few times a year. I guess thats why they say take it day by day? Because thinking about never touching drugs again is just unreal to me right now. Are group meetings worthwhile? They seem kind of kookie to me with all the higher power stuff, and I'm worried about meeting other users, because i don't have access to a street dealer anymore...for the better. But having a real life support network that knows what i feel like seems like it could help

I know that I must not do alcohol and MJ and opiates anymore. The havoc on my mental heatlh, my marriage and professional life that these drugs bring is what I really want to escape. I am down to about 0.01 mg of suboxon per day (don't laugh...i cannot sleep unless i do this at night).

10 micrograms per day? Time to quit that, most likely. I couldn't taper that low.

Do you smoke marijuana daily?
 
^i have 2 mg strips and cut them with a razor into pieces so small they are less than 1mm wide and about 1 or 2mm long...havn't done the math. but trust me I can tell that a piece that small has an effect as soon as it kicks in an hour later and i can finally sleep. Havn't smoked in many months, but have been doing edibles on weekends for about the last month. and it destroyed my progress as far as mental stability, along with very heavy drinking to blackout sessions.

ive been totally off of opioids twice before in the last 7 yyears, both were not as good of a taper and from heavy habits (one time from a 5 year IV career, so I know this time is much easier as my tolerance was never that high to begin with this time since it was just kratom abuse mainly this time with some hard opioids here and there.

Hey LucidSDreamer welcome to Sober Living. It is my favorite forum on the bluelight. Sobriety is definitely worth it and with the drugs that you are having problems with it only gets worse. I have been working hard on my sobriety over the last 2.5yrs with some relapses and struggles here and there but I have put together significant clean time before and taking it one day at a time is very important. I find recovery groups to be awesome simply because I get bored and lonely so easily and don't know what to do with myself. I crave interaction and if you find the right group than the people really are great.. They are friendly, open and they really want to help. I just started going back to groups again after a relapse and after 2 groups I have already gone out to Uno's after a group with some guys and gals where they bought me pizza because I am broke at the moment, got invited to game night on Friday, found a work out partner and have a new sponsor that I am going to start going through the steps again with.

If you feel you need support than 12step meetings are awesome but don't just do the meetings but get involved with the extracurricular activities because that is where the bonding, friendship and fun takes place. It truly does help to have like minded people with the same goals to surround yourself with. I wouldn't get to hung up on the higher power thing. You can always replace God or higher power with something like positive vibrational energy or really anything you want such as the power of the group.

Good luck and keep posting... Nice to run into you in SL as I usually run into you in Drug Culture:)

I don't know how to post two different quotes from separate people...... 10Yearsafter.... That is rough and I am sorry you are having to go through all that with your husband, mother in law and the dreaded having the drugs offered to be waiting on your arrival. I have been through that so many times and certainly understand the mental struggle. Hang in there girl. You know it gets better. Do what ever you have to do to squash that reservation. Don't wait to long to close that option open or the anticipation/cravings will only increase as the time gets closer and closer to them becoming a reality because you are giving your addictive brain a window of hope and possibility. By the time arrives your mind will have already snowballed making the decision a lot harder. Keeping you in my prayers.

<3Somni

Thanks, yea I havn't been posting in DC as much as I used to, posting every night about what drugs i was on can't really happen when I'm not on drugs everynight anymore. I thought it might be better for motivation to post about how I didn't do drugs for X many days....which I'm happy to say I have not abused drugs on a weeknight for 2 weeks and hopefully I can widdle that down even further.

The problem is that I know as soon as I have a bad day, something shitty happens, my back hurts it will all go to hell again...thats what I'm worried about.
 
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^i have 2 mg strips and cut them with a razor into pieces so small they are less than 1mm wide and about 1 or 2mm long...havn't done the math. but trust me I can tell that a piece that small has an effect as soon as it kicks in an hour later and i can finally sleep. Havn't smoked in many months, but have been doing edibles on weekends for about the last month. and it destroyed my progress as far as mental stability, along with very heavy drinking to blackout sessions.

ive been totally off of opioids twice before in the last 7 yyears, both were not as good of a taper and from heavy habits (one time from a 5 year IV career, so I know this time is much easier as my tolerance was never that high to begin with this time since it was just kratom abuse mainly this time with some hard opioids here and there.



Thanks, yea I havn't been posting in DC as much as I used to, posting every night about what drugs i was on can't really happen when I'm not on drugs everynight anymore. I thought it might be better for motivation to post about how I didn't do drugs for X many days....which I'm happy to say I have not abused drugs on a weeknight for 2 weeks and hopefully I can widdle that down even further.

The problem is that I know as soon as I have a bad day, something shitty happens, my back hurts it will all go to hell again...that's what I'm worried about.

I highly suggest meetings. What you mentioned is exactly what they are there for. If we don't take proactive steps and have a support network in place for when the shit hits the fan or we run into a problem then we will be defenseless against a drug or drink. Hang in there. It sounds like you are doing great. Try out a few meetings until you find one where you feel like you fit in and have found your people. Much love to my brothers and sisters in the struggle.

<3Somni
 
If you feel you need support than 12step meetings are awesome. Don't just do the meetings but get involved with the extracurricular activities because that is where the bonding, friendship and fun takes place. It truly does help to have like minded people with the same goals to surround yourself with. I wouldn't get too hung up on the higher power thing. You can always replace God or higher power with something like positive vibrational energy or really anything you want such as the power of the group.

People always say this but I really don't understand how that could possibly work with steps 3,6, and 7 especially. For example, Step 3:" Made a decision to turn our will and our lives over to the care of God as we understood God". I'm an agnostic atheist(Can't say that I know for sure there is no god, but don't believe when there's absolutely no evidence and also find it super highly unlikely that such a thing exists), how can I make a decision the turn my life over to god? lol And even if I replace it with some other random thing, how would that do any good when I don't believe that thing has any effect on my life?

And then step 6: "Were entirely ready to have God remove all these defects of character", and step 7:Humbly asked God to remove our shortcomings.How can I reconcile that when I don't believe there's anything outside myself that can magically remove supposed"defects of character"?(nor do I think that it's healthy for people to think that way, honestly.) That's why I don't feel I could ever work the steps without lying to myself which I won't do(nor do I think would be right or helpful.) And if I'm not going to work the steps I find it pointless to go to the meetings.

Problem is I do realize I need a support network, but feel I don't have any options. So I just struggle on alone. And I live by myself for the first time ever and I get pretty lonely at times. I get my daughter, but not as much as I would like because I work the stupid afternoon shift, which I am desperately trying to change. I have been doing much better this last year than in years past, but I still have been relapsing pretty often. Not for long, usually only a couple days and get right back on the wagon, but I just can't seem to get any significant consecutive clean time. 35 days has been my longest in this stretch(57 days was my longest EVER, but that was also with 30 days in rehab at the start), but most times it's right around the 10-14 day mark that I end up giving in. I now have one day clean/sober and trying to really make a good run at it this time. Anyway, sorry for the long rambling post, hope everyone is doing well.
 
this is my first time ever entering this subforum after being on bluelight for a long time. I am looking for a change. Its very hard to reconcile the idea that i would never use drugs again, especially psychedelics since they mean so much to me on a personal level even though I only use them a few times a year. I guess thats why they say take it day by day? Because thinking about never touching drugs again is just unreal to me right now. Are group meetings worthwhile? They seem kind of kookie to me with all the higher power stuff, and I'm worried about meeting other users, because i don't have access to a street dealer anymore...for the better. But having a real life support network that knows what i feel like seems like it could help

I know that I must not do alcohol and MJ and opiates anymore. The havoc on my mental heatlh, my marriage and professional life that these drugs bring is what I really want to escape. I am down to about 0.01 mg of suboxon per day (don't laugh...i cannot sleep unless i do this at night).

My fellow dreamer :D Welcome to Sober Living!!!

The God part doesn't bother me personally because I've always just naturally believed in one, but I know a lot of people who have found good alternatives that work for them. My therapist has actually been in AA for years, and he considers nature to be his higher power because nobody can control the elements. Other people use the universe, or time, or anything that they consider to be a power greater than them.

Suboxone is no joke. I took 8mg a couple of times and got violently ill from it, and I've always had a naturally high tolerance to everything. You've gotten your dosage down so low though, that you should be able to quit when you feel ready without any major withdrawal symptoms.

Insomnia sucks, and believe me I know from experience. Our friend Somnilicious can attest to that as well. There are a lot of things that can help with that depending on the person, from melatonin to meditation. I never recommend anything because I don't know what somebody else's brain chemistry is like, but do some research and you'll be surprised how many different options you have.

I know a lot of people who swear by the meetings, and say that they could never stay clean & sober without them. They don't seem to work for me personally, for two reasons: 1) I live in a very small town where nothing is "anonymous", and 2) I have found a lot of people in recovery locally to be somewhat judgmental and hypocritical (and again, that's just my personal experience).

For instance, I had a friend who took 200+mg of methadone daily at the clinic but said that I was a bad person for taking an occasional puff of cannabis to settle my stomach. I've known people from AA who said that I can't take 1mg of Ativan for a panic attack, but they smoke three packs of cigarettes and drink ten pots of coffee a day! I just don't understand that way of thinking. Everybody has something different that works for them personally. I never try to tell anybody else what they should do. I just wish that they would show me the same respect. (That's why I've finally found a "home" here, because people here seem to be a lot more open-minded than a lot of the folks in my local community.)

Anyway, I'm glad that you've joined us and I will keep you in my thoughts and prayers. It sounds as though you've already made a great deal of progress. Just take your time, be mindful of everything and I know that you'll figure out whatever works best for you.

Peace, Love and Faith,
Dreamflyer
 
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I am an atheist. Just wanted to add that in. Not trying to be confrontational, but there's no higher power for me.
 
There are atheist/agnostic AA groups in larger cities along with literature on how to reconcile agnostic/atheist beliefs with the Big Book and 12 steps. I didn't go to a 12 step meeting for the better part of a year and managed to stay sober without meetings so it's possible but I will say it's a lot easier when you have a support network you see on a regular basis.
 
I've always wanted to go to a meeting but I worry it would just be uncomfortable for me. I'm like the most anti-social person in the world. I enjoy being alone and that was before drugs. My interactions usually deal with people online from games and even then I'm really not a talker. I did it at my jobs and faked the smiles and conversation but really was just thinking how I was looking forward to them going away and leaving me be.

I don't have any friends anymore. I had one for years but we stopped talking. He went his way with a career, gf, and life while I kinda just stayed where I was. Wallowing in my own self-absorbed bull.

Would a meeting even be suitable for me?
 
I've always wanted to go to a meeting but I worry it would just be uncomfortable for me. I'm like the most anti-social person in the world. I enjoy being alone and that was before drugs. My interactions usually deal with people online from games and even then I'm really not a talker. I did it at my jobs and faked the smiles and conversation but really was just thinking how I was looking forward to them going away and leaving me be.

I don't have any friends anymore. I had one for years but we stopped talking. He went his way with a career, gf, and life while I kinda just stayed where I was. Wallowing in my own self-absorbed bull.

Would a meeting even be suitable for me?

I hate being around other people too. That's why I've stayed away from twelve step meetings. That, and potentially the people there would be infuriating and triggering. :\

You can do it without meetings. Never give up hope man. You can always PM me if talking to a room full of strangers seems impossible.
 
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