Battling Shame & Heroin

[bigzip44]

Hello. I've been addicted to opiates for what seems like forever but is actually about a decade. I've been to 30 rehabs, been to jail, overdosed a few times, and through it all, the best I've been able to achieve is something like stability on maintenance (maintenance subutex, maintenance morphine).

Recently I have regressed to the point of almost suicidal drug-use, something I haven't done to myself in many years. I just went through a bad break up and some other small tragedies and it seems like all the self control and maturity I thought I had went right the fuck out the window like it never existed. I'm even using needles again, something I thought I had put away permanently 6 or so years ago.

So, I'm at an obvious crossroads. I've been on this morphine maintenance thing for awhile but I can no longer afford to pay this doctor (he's extorting me for <snip> a month in cash) and either way the morphine isn't doing the trick because I'm using dope on top of it, now.

I guess what I've been trying to say is this, I know that if I was looking at somebody else with my history and my issues I would tell them this: get back on subutex. The thing is, I almost killed myself getting off subs and I have this horrible complex regarding bupe now. I feel ashamed that I have to take it and that if I do, I'll never have "true" sobriety, but I know that getting back on subutex is the right move, maybe the only move. I'm just curious as to what anyone may have to offer on what I'm going through right now and if anyone has found a way to accept being on subs (or methadone) and how they've done that. I'm past the point of wanting perfect sobriety, whatever that is. I just want enough stability to work, go to school, have a life. I can't take much more of this shit, the way things are, and I just want to know if anyone has gone through anything similar, feeling trapped by their own unfortunate biological imperatives. No one wants to need subs, and I know I've been conditioned to believe that I am somehow cheating or wrong for taking them in all these 12-step rehabs I've been to, but seriously, I have to make peace with them because it's beginning to feel like I'm going to end up dead unless I get a hold of this opiate addiction of mine, and quick.

Thanks in advance for reading and for any advice.

Peace.

 

[cj]

First of all fuck what society says about sobriety. Most of them have no idea what it's like to be in our shoes. The real honest to God recovery rate for someone like me and you without maintenance is abysmal. Talking under 10 percent abysmal. We end up dead in prison or on maintenance. Out of those 3 options maintenance is pretty ok with me. Full disclosure I've been shilling methadone lately like I'm paid to do it (I wish). But truth is I'm tired of reading about people struggling trapped in a cycle when I know there is a way out.

Methadone changed everything for me. It didn't happen overnight and it takes work but I'm not nearly as bad off as I was. Morphine maintenance is a scam for that much money may as well do heroin. You could get methadone for what a 4th of that price? Cheaper? I'm sure you've realize d that maintenance is maintenance no matter the drug. When your getting set amounts there is no high.

What you got to lose? Oh and fuck the moralising this is your life you deserve freedom from the cravings and bullshit of keeping up a habit

 

[Stargazer]

Hey bigzip. I have basically been through all the same stuff as you. Even the shame. When I used to be on mmt-I cried everyday for 7 months to and from the clinic. I was mortified But I have gotten over giving a shit what anyone thinks. Only I have to experience my life.

I have been chipping w IV h for over a year now. Using about twice a month in 3,day cycles on average. Then the rest of the mont I'm miserable w cravings yBefore the inevitable -using everyday-happens - I'm planning to get on subs, build a strong recovery plan and do it. I'm so sick of all of it too.

You seem to insightful and know what you need to do. Good luck

 

[Jabberwocky]

Sobriety is a state of mind. Your mind is exactly what you make of it, as is your sobriety. I think the most transformative thing about my time on maintenance was coming to terms with the fact I love opioids - and that that is OKAY! Realizing that there was nothing inherently wrong with me just because I have such an affinity for opioid use was probably the only thing that made is possible to eventually stop using them.

I suggest you do some reading and educate yourself about substance use and addiction OP. Chasing the Scream, High Price, In the Realm of Hingry Ghosts and Unbroken Brain are great to start.

Your experience getting off buprenorphine is real, but the good news is that it isn't really applicable right now. The stability of maintenance is more pertinent. Plus, when managed properly there is no reason you should have to suffer so intensely if you were to decide to get off it down the road. For now, I'd focus more on how to get back on maintenance and stabilize as opposed to focusing on anything further down the road.

Keep your head up OP. The shame associated with addiction is far deadlier than the actual pharmacological side effects of opioid use.

 

[simco]

All of the comments you've gotten are on the money. I just want to amplify one point: there's nothing phony or bullshit about recovery that's supported by maintenance. It's hard, but try to distance yourself from any voices telling you that maintenance undercuts your recovery.

 

[Stargazer]

I really hate when people say you're not clean if on maintenance. You wanna make a bet? If I'm not shooting dope, stable on maintenance I have the ability to be present, dependable...unstoppable really. I've also witnessed amazing transformations of many on maintenance. It saves lives.

 

[Jabberwocky]

Well said 10years

All of the comments you've gotten are on the money. I just want to amplify one point: there's nothing phony or bullshit about recovery that's supported by maintenance. It's hard, but try to distance yourself from any voices telling you that maintenance undercuts your recovery.

This is such an important point. Given the climate surrounding maintenance within most common recovery circles, it really cannot be understated.

With opioids in particular, it isn't so much the drugs that are the problem but how they are used. Some of history's most significant figures (folks who have done more than most for their communities) have used opioids their entire lives. Nothing about opioids preclude living a good life. It's all in how they are used, legal issues and communicable disease. Good maintenance programs do away with these issues.

Anyways, simco's point cannot be overstated. And to be clear, my recovery didn't begin once I stopped using drugs. It began when I started trying to stop. Then I discovered how recovery can progress regardless of drug use, at least when it comes to maintenance. Probably one of the most significant things helping me really make progress with recovery was methadone as maintenance (that in conjenction with MBSR).

For a lot of people, ORT is their best option. And they're not less or more than others who do it differently in recovery, as all our paths in this are going to look a little different. As long as it gets you to a healthier, more fulfilling place, no path is worse or better than another. There is no one way for everyone! The message that there is does more harm than ORT ever could.

OP, have you thought about methadone as ORT?

I found it far more effective than buprenorphine. For one thing it does waaaaay more for cravings. For another, the highly structured nature of the clinic environment can be really supportive in moving one towards healthier habits more generally. Worth considering. I also found it easier to come off than buprenorphine, although this has more to do with the structure of how it is tapered in this environment.

 

[Stargazer]

Thankyou TPD .

It was intriguing to find out that many successful, trailblazing people in history used opiates.

 

[Jabberwocky]

Ben Franklin (the famous inventor-politician) and William Halstead (one of the founders of John Hopkins Medical School) are two notable opioid users. And they're just two examples of Americans. There are some caveats, such as their class, race and gender, and historical-cultural opinions of opioids at the times they lived, but still significant examples nonetheless, considering how distinguished both are. AND the fact they're basically both SMACK HEADS.

 

[motiv311]

I can relate to this too, I would say being on the lowest dose of bupe would help stabilize you

 

[bigzip44]

I just have this creeping fear that beyond regaining stability, control over my life, and the alleviation of having to worry about arrest, the health issues and everything else that comes with a habit, that in gaining all of those things, that being on maintenance I'll be missing some intangible thing you can only acquire once you've completely stopped using all chemicals, period.

I think there is probably some truth to this fear but also I am aware that it has been cultivated by people that are serving their own interests, often in 12 step based rehabs and I wonder how instead it is that I wasn't taught to value my life (literally, and its preservation) over that glorious feeling of freedom you hear so much about from people that have somehow gotten all the way clean. I mean, my survival is at stake and I feel trapped in some kafkaesque puzzle factory where the only worthwhile thing to do is figure out how to fully abstain, even at the cost of my stability, sanity, and even my own life. It sucks thinking I'm wrong somehow for doing what I know to be the right thing based on what I know about how my brain has changed from years and years of using opiates and the reality that I've never been able to feel like life was even worth living during those brief miserable intervals in treatment when I was forced to be abstinent.

I wish there was a more vocal, visible part of the recovery community that advocated for the realities of people like me: hardcore addicts that stand to gain so much from maintenance and lose everything trying to find that elusive shangri la of abstinence bliss that for so, so many just fails to ever materialize. It's my experience that many die chasing that dream. I just don't want to writhe and die for that anymore. Call me crazy.

 

[mrsnowygrainius]

i have been on and off suboxone for the past 6 years... these last 2 years though have been the best, 2 years ago i stopped trying to ween down and just went back up to a high dose (10mgs) and stayed there ever since. At first when i was on subs i still shot dope every single weekend.. it was fucking terrible wasting money like that having to do 30 bags on a friday night and feel maybe 20% of the high... just horrible

now I'm in the best place I've ever been in my life, i have a job, i just went on an interview for another job (rehab tech job) ever since i got clean i always wanted to work in a rehab... although i really do hope they still hire me because i am still medicated (he said he'd let me know lol)i doubt i will get the job... there is still a stigma associated with suboxone maintenance.. or any ORT

to get back to you OP, yes i have accepted and embraced ORT i love being on my subs but also hate them with a passion... i am and will be for some time a chemical prisoner. If i come off of subs i will go back to dope right away... even at 10mgs daily for years i still think about shooting dope every. single. day...the thoughts don't consume me like they used to... but take away the warm blanket that the subs provide and I'm dead... literally.

but seriously the suboxone keeps me alive, it allows to work, and most importantly it allows me to surf... something i could never do when i was strung out, I am a prisoner in my town yes, but FOR now its better then being strung out.... maybe some day i will try again to ween off- but i am terrified..

 

[Jabberwocky]

OP, perhaps a discussion relating sobriety, recovery and abstience would be helpful. While keeping in mind all these things mean different things to different people, and that NOBODY has a monopoly on any of them, what do they mean for you?

Anyone else can feel free to ponder this yourself. What does recover mean for you? Sobriety? Abstience? I’ll share my opinions when I have a bit more time to respond, but just keep in mind that no one can answer these questions except each of us, for ourselves.

 

[cj]

I just have this creeping fear that beyond regaining stability, control over my life, and the alleviation of having to worry about arrest, the health issues and everything else that comes with a habit, that in gaining all of those things, that being on maintenance I'll be missing some intangible thing you can only acquire once you've completely stopped using all chemicals, period.

I think there is probably some truth to this fear but also I am aware that it has been cultivated by people that are serving their own interests, often in 12 step based rehabs and I wonder how instead it is that I wasn't taught to value my life (literally, and its preservation) over that glorious feeling of freedom you hear so much about from people that have somehow gotten all the way clean. I mean, my survival is at stake and I feel trapped in some kafkaesque puzzle factory where the only worthwhile thing to do is figure out how to fully abstain, even at the cost of my stability, sanity, and even my own life. It sucks thinking I'm wrong somehow for doing what I know to be the right thing based on what I know about how my brain has changed from years and years of using opiates and the reality that I've never been able to feel like life was even worth living during those brief miserable intervals in treatment when I was forced to be abstinent.

I wish there was a more vocal, visible part of the recovery community that advocated for the realities of people like me: hardcore addicts that stand to gain so much from maintenance and lose everything trying to find that elusive shangri la of abstinence bliss that for so, so many just fails to ever materialize. It's my experience that many die chasing that dream. I just don't want to writhe and die for that anymore. Call me crazy.

Beautiful post. Far too many people fall into that trap and that's all it is a trap. Truthfully there is no Shangri la in abstinence the Shangri la is in gaining a working support system that values you as a person. That's the real thing those NA junkies are getting. That nagging guilt that you aren't worthy of respect or admiration because you take a medication is what keeps many of us from achieving that feeling of "hey I beat this shit I am ok." That's a failure on the treatment industry the community and frankly ourselves because recovery is an individual process that we have shoe horned into this collective experience that doesn't make much sense.

At the end of the day there is no right and wrong. We are all just trying to figure out how to survive our demons. I hope this place is becoming a safe space for those of us clawing for our very survival to feel validated regardless of the methods we choose

 

[Runningfox]

Please Lay Down that BURDEN of shame! You sound so intelligent, articulate... you've got NOTHIN in this world to be ashamed of!

Would you feel shame if you were diabetic n needed a few insulin shots a day? Sure, if the System made you line up at a clinic with your hand out begging for your daily vial of insulin, attaching some social / cultural stigma to Diabetic Persons as the dregs of our midst..... then sure anyone would wanna duck n cover. ..
But you're smart; you know Better than to buy that line, that those in Maintenance treatment are in any way lesser Human Beings than the ppl who dont happen to need that medication .
Come on now, it's live or die at this point. You said it yourself.
Hold your head high; talk to the others you meet in Maintenance (none of us is Better nor a more Valuable human being than the Next Guy. Keep reminding yourself of this FACT).... meet them, talk to them.... you may be the single friendly voice a fellow patient heard that day. Put some of your decency and intelligence to Work; as while you will be doing what Saves You, you'll be reaching out and acting as an Example to others who may feel the same 'shame ' as you've heldon your shoulders....or they may be carrying ten Fold that BURDEN; but by God they're there! They showed up. They're in line for their life saving medications just as you are.....
I have more respect for those folks IN LINE than I do for your everyday Joe on the street who just continues to say 'ahhhhh fuggit!' And they allow their lives to shatter.

Lay down that shame and do what needs done; helping others and allowing others to help you on the way. THIS may become more life-affirming than any other "step" you take.
Heck w programs that dont work for YOU; if maintenance saves ya.... go for it.

You can always keep 100% Substance Free as a goal....but push it to the baaaaaaack of the calendar as a "one day" goal.
One day I shall live substance free. Period ..... one day. Far in the future; and remove that damnimg pressure from yourself to achieve that goal anytime soon.

Lecture over ?
Praying for your strength n peace; we all got your back!
Keep posting!
----- Fox

 

[Jabberwocky]

Well said Runningfox. I'm looking forward to the lecture's encore

 

[Runningfox]

Well said Runningfox. I'm looking forward to the lecture's encore

Never know where I might pop up.
I skitter around all over these forums.

 

[herbavore]

Never know where I might pop up.
I skitter around all over these forums.

That's what foxes do!

OP, I hope that you can find the strength to swim upstream a bit in the IRL recovery community that is still dominated by these outdated ways of thinking about maintenance drugs (although I really believe that change is a'com'n!). You and only you can define your life, your strategies for healthful living, and your recovery from the ravages of addiction and shame. Get yourself to a stable place again, whatever that takes for right now (you have had some narrow misses it sounds). You will then have your whole life to continue to explore what you want and how to get it.