bigzip44
Bluelighter
- Joined
- Aug 29, 2009
- Messages
- 94
Hello. I've been addicted to opiates for what seems like forever but is actually about a decade. I've been to 30 rehabs, been to jail, overdosed a few times, and through it all, the best I've been able to achieve is something like stability on maintenance (maintenance subutex, maintenance morphine).
Recently I have regressed to the point of almost suicidal drug-use, something I haven't done to myself in many years. I just went through a bad break up and some other small tragedies and it seems like all the self control and maturity I thought I had went right the fuck out the window like it never existed. I'm even using needles again, something I thought I had put away permanently 6 or so years ago.
So, I'm at an obvious crossroads. I've been on this morphine maintenance thing for awhile but I can no longer afford to pay this doctor (he's extorting me for <snip> a month in cash) and either way the morphine isn't doing the trick because I'm using dope on top of it, now.
I guess what I've been trying to say is this, I know that if I was looking at somebody else with my history and my issues I would tell them this: get back on subutex. The thing is, I almost killed myself getting off subs and I have this horrible complex regarding bupe now. I feel ashamed that I have to take it and that if I do, I'll never have "true" sobriety, but I know that getting back on subutex is the right move, maybe the only move. I'm just curious as to what anyone may have to offer on what I'm going through right now and if anyone has found a way to accept being on subs (or methadone) and how they've done that. I'm past the point of wanting perfect sobriety, whatever that is. I just want enough stability to work, go to school, have a life. I can't take much more of this shit, the way things are, and I just want to know if anyone has gone through anything similar, feeling trapped by their own unfortunate biological imperatives. No one wants to need subs, and I know I've been conditioned to believe that I am somehow cheating or wrong for taking them in all these 12-step rehabs I've been to, but seriously, I have to make peace with them because it's beginning to feel like I'm going to end up dead unless I get a hold of this opiate addiction of mine, and quick.
Thanks in advance for reading and for any advice.
Peace.
Recently I have regressed to the point of almost suicidal drug-use, something I haven't done to myself in many years. I just went through a bad break up and some other small tragedies and it seems like all the self control and maturity I thought I had went right the fuck out the window like it never existed. I'm even using needles again, something I thought I had put away permanently 6 or so years ago.
So, I'm at an obvious crossroads. I've been on this morphine maintenance thing for awhile but I can no longer afford to pay this doctor (he's extorting me for <snip> a month in cash) and either way the morphine isn't doing the trick because I'm using dope on top of it, now.
I guess what I've been trying to say is this, I know that if I was looking at somebody else with my history and my issues I would tell them this: get back on subutex. The thing is, I almost killed myself getting off subs and I have this horrible complex regarding bupe now. I feel ashamed that I have to take it and that if I do, I'll never have "true" sobriety, but I know that getting back on subutex is the right move, maybe the only move. I'm just curious as to what anyone may have to offer on what I'm going through right now and if anyone has found a way to accept being on subs (or methadone) and how they've done that. I'm past the point of wanting perfect sobriety, whatever that is. I just want enough stability to work, go to school, have a life. I can't take much more of this shit, the way things are, and I just want to know if anyone has gone through anything similar, feeling trapped by their own unfortunate biological imperatives. No one wants to need subs, and I know I've been conditioned to believe that I am somehow cheating or wrong for taking them in all these 12-step rehabs I've been to, but seriously, I have to make peace with them because it's beginning to feel like I'm going to end up dead unless I get a hold of this opiate addiction of mine, and quick.
Thanks in advance for reading and for any advice.
Peace.
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