Mental Health Not sure how long I can go on like this...

[raizanthelostone]

I am on sertraline 150mg for my anxiety/panic disorder and depression.

My life has reached the point where I feel like it is all crumbling around me. Ever since I was young I felt this really damning kind of pain everyday, that brought me really low, and made me wonder when it would end and when I'd feel 'whole' or happy... A bit of background, I was sexually abused as a kid, bullied a lot at school, had a lot of family problems and bad boyfriends who damaged my confidence.. I use to smoke a lot of weed from about 13-17 year olds, due to my cousin and my best mate being complete stoners. I remember the first time I smoked there was this voice in my head that said 'I don't like this, I wish I never done this', but nevertheless I kept smoking... Smoking... Smoking.. Don't ask me why I did it.. I don't quite understand myself tbh just that I'm an idiot. One day after I waited for my parents to go to bed, I rolled a joint and sat there smoking by myself in the garden. The house I lived in had really creepy vibes and we believed it was haunted, whatever it was I didn't like the feel to the house. My parents are also super strict, so if they caught me smoking weed booooy I'd be in for it.. But yeah, as I sat there smoking out of habit I looked behind me just to check if anyone had come downstairs, I saw what I thought was someone staring at me and close the blinds. And as soon as that happened I felt my heart racing and I descended into my first ever panic attack. From that experience onwards I suffered with really bad anxiety, and every time I smoked weed it would induce a panic attack. My life was made a misery after that every day I struggled with my anxiety and depressive thoughts.

So where does that leave me now ? Over the years I have taken LSD, nitrous, benzos, legal high (Cannaboids and bath salts), speed, ketamine, cocaine and weed. My journey with drugs started because I felt in pain constantly and I was trying to block it out. I feel like my mind is diseased and its slowly killing me, stripping me of everything that makes me me, feeding on my happiness. Truly I feel like since I tried drugs its been a vicious cycle... I take drugs to stop the anxiety and depressive thoughts, but the more I take drugs, the more I feel like I lose a piece of my mind and a piece of myself. I've suffered with very bad nightmares... I've died in my dreams in these nightmares. The most horrible one that I experienced was being in a room full of cryopods, and going into my cryopod, and as I went in the doors closed on me and it malfunctioned. I had some weird machine in my hand and I was trying to fix it, because the malfunction was that all the air was being sucked out of the pod, and I was going to be left with no oxygen. I frantically struggled to get it working, struggling to breathe with every movement, before I died and woke up in real life absolutely terrified. I've had dreams where I've been stabbed and woke up as the knife pierces my skin. I've had dreams where the guy from texas chainsaw massacre is out to murder me, and I'm in a gameshow like setting where there are multiple doors and he's behind one, and he tells me to run but that he's going to kill me, and he taunts me everytiem I try to go through a door leaving me terrified. I've been so anxious about sleeping, because I feel like its what death is like, that every time my eyes would go to close I'd forcefully open them, in an attempt to keep me awake, and as a result I actually ended up sleeping with my eyes open. I've had sleep paralysis where I've been strangled by demons. Even in my sleep I can't get peace, its like my life is made a misery and even when I sleep I can't escape these intrusive thoughts.

So where am I at now ? I feel like I'm at that point in my life where I have lost heart. I struggle with my own existence. In my mind drugs were what was keeping me happy, and for some reason, I had some weird belief that I'd just wake up one day and all my negative feelings would go, that one day I'd wake up and I'd be okay you know ? Well my recent trips with LSD were all making me panic and anxious (I have tripped soo many times and it never happened to me before I was always happy on acid and absolutely love it) and when I came out of my trips I felt more broken and anxious that usual. I did have the worst experience of my life recently as a result of LSD and sertraline, that is readable on my profile if you go look it up, as it is very long to write, but it felt like a near death experience and was a very embarrassing, terrifying and crushing experience for me. I feel like a broken person, I feel like I've lost a part of me I'll never get back. I feel like my mind is a prison, and I'm being held prisoner. I feel like i want to get out of my head. I feel trapped in my own skin. If I look at peoples faces for too long it starts morphing and I have the acid visuals. I feel like this isn't real life, and I'm in a dream. The anxiousness for me is the worse part I think.. I'm a very spaced out person, and my coaches at the gym (I'm very athletic) have noticed and always asked if I'm okay, sometimes I don't even know where I go in my head, but I feel like something is pulling me in or I'm getting lost within myself. I can't focus. I feel like whats the point in anything if I'm going to die one day. I feel like if I killed myself then I wouldn't have to watch all the people I love die of old age.My own thoughts which are unbearable, they tear me apart, and whatever I do to distract myself I can't get it out of my head. I feel like If I died then they'd be happy without me, and they wouldn't have to deal with my annoyingness. I try to be nice, but I come across as too nice and overlyclingy or weird to a lot of people. All my best friends I've ever had have decided how worthless I was and abandoned me because I'm that annoying to be around. I feel guilty all the time, I think over my past mistakes and they burn me. I feel so pathetic, weak, hopeless... I mean how could I be so pathetic,crying out for help when I've inflicted this upon my self with drug abuse? I don't deserve sympathy or people being nice to me... I don't deserve anything...

I sit there most days and just cry... Cry cry and cry... My boyfriend is loving and supportive, and tries to help me through it, but I feel so weird in my own head. I use to think his presence or touch would stop these feelings and they'd all go, but he hugs me tightly when I cry about how low I feel and I feel the anxiety burn strongly within my chest. I wish there was something that would take this pain away. I just want it to go.

I work at a warehouse, and we have this knife razor thing that we use to open boxes with, i'm not sure what its called.. But every time I use it, I feel a inclination to run that blade down my wrists, bleed out and just end my miserable life. The thing is for me, is that if this feeling never stops, is that a quality of life ? That is what I am struggling with right now.
People in my life see me as vulnerable right now, and I definitely feel that way. My only wish is for this feeling to go away, and stop haunting me, but my antidepressants aren't helping, and I've told the doctors and they're not very helpful. I'm meant to be put in touch with the community mental health team, but they haven't got back to me...

I'm not sure what to do anymore.

 

[wizardknight17]

This sounds exactly like my life with very few differences. I have not had LSD or nitrous, and was only physically abused as a child. Also I'm male so the little stuff like replace the word boyfriends with the word girlfriends. Also when smoking I was more worried about cops than the people in the house. (My parents) I'm currently a big fan of basically every pill that does something. everything else is spot on though. All the dreams. All the feelings. I just wanted to let you know there's someone out there who is very similar to you. I'm not going to sugar coat it and pretend life is amazing every day because obviously I'm still gobbling up pills like Pac man but I can tell you there was a time when things were better for a while. I changed my life. I ate better. I ran. I lifted weights. I had a healthy lifestyle and during that time the dreams seemed to go away. It seemed as if while I was living well things were better. I'm struggling very hard to get back there but with the pain I now have (bad back) I literally can't sleep at night without something helping me. It's hard to run Without being in pain. I can't lift Weights. Once again my life is stuck in a cycle. I'm back to the feeling of wondering when it all ends... not that this is what you want to hear but it's the truth. Sorry if I Made this out to sound like it was about me. I Just wanted you to know. I'm similar in a lot of ways. I've been there. I've been better. And now I'm back to trying to figure out how to get back to where I was. There is a way to feel better. You just have to figure out what it is. Find out how to deal with everything that drags you down. Or figure out what excercise/ activity can take your mind off all the bad shit that happened in your life.

 

[kgeisel98]

I am on sertraline 150mg for my anxiety/panic disorder and depression.

My life has reached the point where I feel like it is all crumbling around me. Ever since I was young I felt this really damning kind of pain everyday, that brought me really low, and made me wonder when it would end and when I'd feel 'whole' or happy... A bit of background, I was sexually abused as a kid, bullied a lot at school, had a lot of family problems and bad boyfriends who damaged my confidence.. I use to smoke a lot of weed from about 13-17 year olds, due to my cousin and my best mate being complete stoners. I remember the first time I smoked there was this voice in my head that said 'I don't like this, I wish I never done this', but nevertheless I kept smoking... Smoking... Smoking.. Don't ask me why I did it.. I don't quite understand myself tbh just that I'm an idiot. One day after I waited for my parents to go to bed, I rolled a joint and sat there smoking by myself in the garden. The house I lived in had really creepy vibes and we believed it was haunted, whatever it was I didn't like the feel to the house. My parents are also super strict, so if they caught me smoking weed booooy I'd be in for it.. But yeah, as I sat there smoking out of habit I looked behind me just to check if anyone had come downstairs, I saw what I thought was someone staring at me and close the blinds. And as soon as that happened I felt my heart racing and I descended into my first ever panic attack. From that experience onwards I suffered with really bad anxiety, and every time I smoked weed it would induce a panic attack. My life was made a misery after that every day I struggled with my anxiety and depressive thoughts.

So where does that leave me now ? Over the years I have taken LSD, nitrous, benzos, legal high (Cannaboids and bath salts), speed, ketamine, cocaine and weed. My journey with drugs started because I felt in pain constantly and I was trying to block it out.

I'm not sure what to do anymore.

I'm sorry for your pain! The thing I hate most in life is suffering and I too deal with depression.

This might sound weird but when I was younger (I'm 49 now) I felt so empty and I was bawling and I was fighting the feelings. Then I decided it couldn't feel any worse so I fully embraced the depths of my despair. Hot damn the feelings started lessening and I was kind of okay. I was still crying but I was able to think and my emotions weren't controlling me. My feelings became less scary.

Anyway that worked for me. I'm no psychiatrist but it sounds like you have PTSD to work with too. Dealing with your sexual abuse with a counselor would be helpful. I too was sexually assaulted and it really messed me up until I started dealing with it.

And holding on to this will cause depression. What you are feeling is common for people who have been sexually assaulted.

I can understand the appeal of no longer being here. No more shit to deal with. Peace. BUT you can find peace. But you have to go through the pain to get to the other side!

A positive attitude is a little thing that makes a big difference in a day. You have to be willing to be happy. A gratitude list can be helpful.

I understand the difficulty in being positive while depressed but if you try to find something (anything) positive. It will help. And the more you practice thinking positive thoughts the negativity will slip away.

This is not an easy fix but it is a lasting one. And working on yourself is never a waste of time. It is time well spent. You deserve to find happiness and to rediscover who you are.

Good luck. I hope you find meds that work for you.