• TDS Moderators: AlphaMethylPhenyl | Eligiu | deficiT

Do you ever feel like drugs and/or alcohol have ruined your life?

I agree with you Jess, It is a complicated issue and opiods were invented for a good reason. For me they were a savior. I had back pain so severe I was unable to work well, socialize, etc. If they had not been available I can't say what might have happened to me. At the same time, after taking them for so long, now its a bad thing and causing me problems on the high end.

I guess that's why I try not to judge anyone. I'll be their cheerleader but I don't call anyone names. You know, it was funny because the first time someone called me an addict, I was indignant. I wasn't some meth or heroin user that you see depicted in the media. I've since learned that both live in my neighborhood. I was shocked, however it made me see that "addict" is not a bad word. It can and does happen to many people.

Any way, I hope you didn't think I was being a jerk, that wasn't my intent. I wish you an interesting and exciting life, no matter which path you choose.

LV
 
This is an interesting point of discussion. And it's why I don't simply state that it's NEVER a good idea to try heroin or other opioids even after all the destruction they have brought to my life. And also part of why I don't think about wishing I'd never started using them.

Some people had lives so terrible before starting opioids that if they hadn't found opioids as a coping mechanism they might have killed themselves. And I count myself as potentially one of those people. Obviously in the long run they often wind up taking even more than they brought. But the point is, the situation isn't a simple one. It's not black and white.

This is not to say I think heroin use is a good thing. What I'm saying is I think there are some situations where people are in so much emotional agony that they might have killed themselves if they hadn't found a coping mechanism. There's no way to know how things might have turned out had they not started using drugs. At the very least, the situation isn't a simple one.

Though it's probably a moot point to make on my part. Most people in such a situation don't so much want to die, as they are willing to die and would prefer to die than continue living in so much pain. And so will wind up trying drugs, and especially opioids, no matter how bad the potential consequences might be. That's how it happened for me anyway.

This i think is a very important point. Someone once explained it to me a bit like this:

The life of a heroin user is incredibly painful. People who experience let’s say a tolerable level of discomfort in their lives can’t understand why anyone would consider a lifestyle involving something like heroin use, as it to them is obviously just going to increase their suffering. But that is exactly why others find solice in opioids, as when they are working they provide a degree of comfort.

Even though that lifestyle involves an incredible amount of suffering, their former existence was even more pain, even more intolerable. From the point of mood regulation, using something like heroin makes their discomfort more tolerable. Even if it still involves a tremendous amount of suffering. It’s more tolerable than the alternative they have prior experience with.

This is essential why I firmly believe that the only effective way to deal with addiction is to focus on increasing QOL. For some this will involve learning other ways of mood regulation that involve less suffering. For some this will involve ongoing opioid use. But the point isn’t the drug use so much as the harm associated with it, and the harm associated with life’s various forms of suffering more generally. There are lots and lots of avenues one can take in improving QOL, from basics like physical safety, food and shelter to education, meaningful employment and self actualization, or integration and a healthy sense of self.

It’s a worthwhile conversation.
 
Indeed. One thing that massively frustrates me is when people just don’t seem to get that some of us don’t want to live forever.

Like, you see people’s shock that when someone overdoses on heroin,all the junkies wanna try their supply cause they figure it must be strong. To them that’s crazy. To a junkie it’s perfectly rational.

And part of the reason a lot of people don’t get it is a lot of people don’t get that a lot of us aren’t just wanting to get high and experiment. We want to stop being in so much emotional pain. It's not about wanting to die, it's about wanting to live. And for some people heroin lets us cope to the point where we can tolerate living. Being in that much pain does a great job reducing your fear of death. But people who've never been in that kinda pain don’t get that.

I used to panhandle for money, and I’d get lots of religious missionary types come and talk to me. And every time they’d say the same thing. “You know you can have eternal life?”

I rarely did it, but every time I wanted to tell them the same thing. I wanted to tell them, you think this is supposed to make me want to believe you? It doesnt. The idea that if your beliefs are correct means I’ll live forever makes me desperately want to NOT believe it.

They just take it as agiven that everyone would want to live forever. When a lot of us are utterly horrified by the thought. They just don’t get it. Heaven or hell, the idea of eternal existence is horrifying to me. It’s not making me want to believe it it’s making me want to NOT believe it.

Most people are like this. Desperately trying to be as healthy as possible. Terrified of death and the idea they could die at any time and can do nothing to stop it.mThe desire to desperately want not to live forever is as alien to them as the idea of wanting to live forever is to me.

And I’m not suicidal. I haven’t been for a long time now fortunately. But while I may not want to die now, I REALLY don’t want to live forever.

I don’t want an afterlife. I want to believe that one day I’ll simply not exist anymore like before I was born. And I take a fairly low view of people who refuse to believe not everyone shares their desire to live no matter what. It’s not just not wanting to live forever. Like with people who BASE jump or whatever. Some of us would rather have an interesting, fun, but probably shorter life. And there are assholes in this world who refuse to consider that philosophy legitimate and feel like they have to save us from ourselves.
 
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With all due respect to everyone who wrote here, I personally don't feel drugs or alcohol had a negative effect on my life or the life of others close to me per se, instead it were my own choices and their choices that ended fucking up lives. The power has always been in the hands of the user, just like it is when things need to be fixed. We are not helpless, unless we decide so on a conscious or subconscious level. I respect if someone has a differing opinion on this, I'm sure they have their reasons to think that way just like I have mine to think like this.
 
I’m not sure it really is that anyone has a different opinion, just a different perspective. Saying the drugs are the reason isn’t the same as saying it’s the drugs fault.

Way I see it, when I say drugs destroyed my life, I’m not saying it’s the drugs fault. It’s my fault. No matter how much duress I was under, I was still the only individual responsible for all the harm I’ve caused and people I’ve hurt using. Not the drugs, not my dealers, not people who enabled me.

The only time when anyone else was at all responsible for what I’ve done is when I’ve commited crimes with someone else I was using with. Just as I’m somewhat responsible when Ive aided friends of mine with their crimes.

That being said, while I’m responsible, and I’m the only one to blame for the things I’ve done, they were all done under the substantial threat of withdrawal. And while it’s fair to say I used drugs like almost everyone aware of the dangers, it’s also fair to say even that choice like so many others was made under the pressures of all the shit I used drugs to escape from. And much of that pressure wasn’t my fault.

So what I’m saying here is, the only one to blame for my choices and mistakes and crimes is me, but there is a lot of context that all those mistakes need to be kept in. For me and most all addicts I’ve known.

And the primary relevant context is drug addiction. And the causes of it. The part to understand is that I and so many others would not likely have done anything like the harm I’ve done had I not been addicted to drugs. I’ve done a hell of a lot I’d never thought I’d stoop too and likely never would have were I not so desperate to avoid being sick. And I’ve seen that be the case for so many people I’ve known. Otherwise good honest moral people who’ve completely silenced their conscience because they were so desperate.

There are other people who have done horrible crimes under no significant duress, out of self interest or benefit.

That is a very different context to someone who did it because they would have been dope sick if they hadn’t. It doesn’t excuse either, but it’s important context in understanding it.

And it’s no more fair and truthful to say in the case of the addict that it was their free choice where they could easily have chosen differently than it is fair and truthful to say it’s all the drugs fault and they made me do it.

So on one day I might say I did what I did because I was a heroin addict. On another I might say I am to blame for all the pain and harm I’ve caused.

Neither statement is untrue, neither is the whole truth, and neither is meant that way. Both statements are correct, saying my heroin habit cost me everything doesn’t mean I’m not to blame and not responsible.

But saying I’m to blame and am responsible isn’t accurately understood outside the context of being a heroin addict.

I don’t think anyone will disagree with what you’re saying. I don’t. I think it’s more that what you’re saying and what I might say reflect a different way of expressing the same realities. We probably agree on the same underlying points.

That I’m responsible, not the drugs.
And that the drugs are nevertheless an important context to keep in mind when considering why I did what I did.

It’s just we might express our thoughts on it differently. In my case I’ve said both that it’s my fault and that I did it because I was a heroin addict and don’t consider those statements in contradiction.
 
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To be honest, this government ruined my life. If they would de-criminalize drug use and make opioid maintenance or tapering more easy to get I wouldn't be so fucked now. Only drug I can say has lead me to this shitty situation are opioids, fuck them, but government making you're life worse because of them is even worse. Never had problems with amphetamines even after using them 1 month, for me they have always been easy to quit, I can use them for any wd's, because I dont get anxiety from amphetamines, some paranoia due the government yes, like looking out police, staying up more then one day well yes I start to find weird messages from internet and I start to investigate them for 12h, very crazy shit, but if I sleep eveyr night then I have no problems.
 
This is where depression and not caring what happens to you can be of some benefit.

I never worried too much about getting caught, cause I really felt like I'd deserve whatever happened to me and had no future regardless. The only part of the idea of getting caught that really ever scared me was having to go cold turkey withdrawal. But it's probably worth noting that I'm a female living in Australia. If I were a man living in the US I'd likely have been much more concerned about it.

And don't get me wrong I still made an effort not to get caught, I don't want to wind up in jail, it's just that it never scared me too much. I just took the precautions I could and hoped for the best. For the most part I've gotten off lightly, been arrested, been found guilty of a bunch of charges, but never served any time so far. My record is pretty minor.

All the big problems I've faced that result from the government are all the problems we all face from having to get our drugs illegally and having it be so expensive as a result. Never had too much anxiety over it.
 
I personally think that I ruined my own life, but drug prohibition and brainwashing made it really easy to do so.

-I was kicked out of my house at an early age, despite being a top engineering student, because I smoked weed to relax. I was thrown out at midnight on a cold winter night, I didn't even have a chance to grab my winter coat. I was torn from my bed by my mom and thrown out the door because she smelled weed in her room. If only she knew that I was just chilling out with my friends and avoiding alcohol, plus I have extreme social anxiety and couldn't deal with it. They never once thought something might be psychologically wrong with me (BPD, obviously, but 10 years too late) - it was the weed. If I quit weed, all my problems would go away. Well I did that for 3 years and nothing changed, everything got worse and to this day I am shunned from my family and my younger brother.

In my eyes, cannabis prohibition and hysteria tore my family apart. I was just a fuckin stoner, I'm a benzo and heroin addict now and there really isn't very much hope for me left.

-I developed excruciating pain in my spine from a sports injury in my early 20's. It has been 7 years, and the pain is the exact same. It took two years to even get into a pain management clinic and no doctor would prescribe me anything that worked. I tried every pseudo-treatment imaginable over those two years, before deciding to hit up some heroin. I knew I was going to be addicted from day 1, but was in too much physical agony to stand on my feet for more than a few minutes. I couldn't even lay in bed comfortably, it was absolute hell. By the time I got into the pain clinic, I was sniffing H daily, smoking opium, sniffing dilaudid 8mg's, and getting OC 80's.

-During those two years in which I suffered non-stop, excruciating pain despite going to literally 50 doctors for advice, I eventually snapped. I triggered an extreme panic disorder, essentially my whole entire life was a panic attack for an entire year. I was put on seroquel, a fucking antipsychotic, since my GP had lost their licence to prescribe "narcotics" - eventually I kept showing up at the ER claiming I was having a heart attack, since my panic attack always feel like my heart is being squeezed in a vice grip. The psychologist told me to stop taking the fucking seroquel (I was taking a gram a day for a condition that it doesn't treat) and she told me to start taking xanax .5 mg twice a day.

-Well, that wasn't enough and when I got into a psychologist he immediately cut me off the benzos despite how I was too anxious to drive to the appointment. He wrote down the name of two books to read, which I read, and which were bullshit. I ended up getting 10 grams of etizolam powder and making my own 1 or 2mg doses for a while. It's the fucking benzo powders that really got me because I couldn't just be honest with a doctor and say you know this isn't the right dose for me, I'm still having panic attacks all the time. Alcohol was going to kill me, and I haven't had a drink ever since I got on benzos. I just hate how I can't get a legit script for 4mg klonopin daily, so instead I alternate through klonopin, ativan, xanax, bromazepam, etizolam, whatever the fuck I can get. It's horse shit. I wouldn't even have a panic disorder if I hadn't suffered chronic pain like that for 2 years. I know why I snapped.

-All this wasted time trying to medicate myself has resulted in the ruination and total destruction of my life for the past 7 years. I am only off heroin for one week as of today, it is the 8th day, and I still feel like complete shit, I am still mentally ill as fuck, I've been unemployed for a year because I was so caught up in heroin by the end of it I was willing to shoot it without anyone to show me how. Good thing I have good veins from working out before I hurt my back, and playing guitar.

-Presently, I have lost interest in everything. I have a lot of ideas, but my body is too weak and my brain is too fried to follow through with them. These problems ruined my 2 very special relationships I had in my 20's and I have a lot of regrets. I am constantly in tears and feel like a total failure. I do feel better a week off heroin, but my back hurts like hell. I couldn't handle the pain before, how will I know? How will I find employment despite my education if I have too low self esteem it makes it hard to be interviewed or apply for tons of jobs like I need to.

-My health is absolute shit. Sure, heroin doesn't harm the body very much until you try and quit and chronically relapse. I have been in and out of relapses and dope sickness all year this year and I have lost a quarter of my body. I used to weigh a healthy 200lbs and I am presently around 150. I expect to lose more weight because even with smoking 20 joints a day, I still can't eat a week later.

-All the wasted time, the lies and manipulation. Even if I quit, I have SO many issues at this point that it would pretty much be a suicide risk. Why the fuck couldn't I have or presently use dope until I am ready to quit. The chronic pain is hard to live with, and the cost of all these drugs has probably amounted to at least $100,000. It was 15 grand on heroin just this year alone and I wasn't even well more often than not. I am financially ruined and not only that, I'm too sick to hold a job to make up for it.

-I feel completely abandoned by my fellow man, I am reclusive, and misanthropic. I hate everyone. I used to be chill and growing up all I did was pretty much weed.

-It's like a fucking prison sentence. I wish I never touched ANY of this garbage.
 
Yes, but it was pretty seriously fucked up to start with.

It's a bit complicated, before opioids ruined my life they helped me cope to the point that it helped me repair my life. It often feels like it gave me so much only to take it all away with interest.

That's the metaphor for how I think of hardcore drugs, emotions on credit. You can have the emotion you want now, but eventually you gotta pay it back with interest. The longer you take the more the interest. The more you take the more to be repaid.
Emotions on credit , yup . That's exactly how I feel about it. You are going to pay for this , one way or the other. Hope it's worth it. Sometimes it is , for some people. Or maybe it's never worth it ... Idk .
I can say that I am still alive and I'm not in prison. So I wouldn't say my life is "ruined". But I will never be able to enjoy it like I could have. I'm pretty sure I have some permanent brain damage . My cognitive thought process is like mashed potatoes. And it takes me forever to get my thoughts out. When I am typing I have to go over it again and again.i dont bother trying to join in most conversations. By the time I have what I want to say sorted out , the moment has passed. Lol . Or my confidence is so low I'm too nervous.
I wasn't like this before. I remember I thought I was going crazy during paws.. my brain never snapped back. I'm an idiot . I hate myself sometimes. There's so much I don't remember. People places things, concerts I supposedly went to , people I knew.
It's frustrating .
 
It’s just we might express our thoughts on it differently. In my case I’ve said both that it’s my fault and that I did it because I was a heroin addict and don’t consider those statements in contradiction.

Yeah I think I get what you mean. Someone could easily say for example, that their heroin habit ruined their life financially and there would be no point arguing if that's a fact or not. Personally I would just be much more inclined to say "I became a heroin addict because/when/thanks to ... which also ruined me financially" than use the phrase "heroin ruined me financially", because I feel like the latter phrase is missing the bigger picture completely.

Personally, drugs have always been sort of like vehicles, that's all. Sure, I've caused great damage to myself with a needle and while drugs were indeed a pretty central thing in that, none of it would have occurred if I wasn't so damn depressed and sad in the first place. I found a convenient escape, but that wasn't the reason I wanted to escape. I didn't give a shit what I did to my body back then, not because the drugs were so good, but because I felt so terrible already. It wasn't drug addiction that made me not to care, instead the fact that I just didn't care let me become addicted to drugs, you know? I just place my emphasis on the why when talking about a drug addiction, wouldn't want to argue with anyone whether it's a disease, a symptom or both. Actually I think it's just how I think about addiction in general.

I don't know, maybe it's also got something to do with how I often hear "alcohol ruined the life of xxx" "they should ban alcohol and that wouldn't have happened!" together. Much less than I hear "he became an alcoholic and lost everything because xxx happened" "they should ban alcohol and none of that would have happened!"

It's a richness to have people expressing their thought differently though.
 
I ruined my life by starting to use poppies every day, after that poppies made sure that my life is around them. I quit for one time, but started again. For first time when I started to use the reason was my terrible anxiety also I had sever pain from relationship that made me feel terrible most of the time. Second time I started to use because I started new job and I really thought other people talked behind my bad and other shit, I know it's my social anxiety that can rise to the point of psychotic thinking. I have been diagnosed borderline personality disorder, so I think thats have lot to do why I ended up here. Also government didn't help much with my addiction, really drug habit centers here are terrible, and getting to opioid tappering or maintenance programs is very hard.

People tend to worked that there are many factors about drug addiction, yes there are people who's only factor is drugs that ruined one's life, but I think for most drug addicts there are many factors that made us end up to bad end. For me the reasons are emotional, psychological and the things that happened in that point of my life. Drugs made it better for start but in the end it ruined everything, so yes drugs have ruined my life, but not without cause.
 
Yeah, there is almost always an underlying reason. It's like many people are primed for addiction later in life when whatever is tormenting them becomes too much.
 
Yeah I think I get what you mean. Someone could easily say for example, that their heroin habit ruined their life financially and there would be no point arguing if that's a fact or not. Personally I would just be much more inclined to say "I became a heroin addict because/when/thanks to ... which also ruined me financially" than use the phrase "heroin ruined me financially", because I feel like the latter phrase is missing the bigger picture completely.

Personally, drugs have always been sort of like vehicles, that's all. Sure, I've caused great damage to myself with a needle and while drugs were indeed a pretty central thing in that, none of it would have occurred if I wasn't so damn depressed and sad in the first place. I found a convenient escape, but that wasn't the reason I wanted to escape. I didn't give a shit what I did to my body back then, not because the drugs were so good, but because I felt so terrible already. It wasn't drug addiction that made me not to care, instead the fact that I just didn't care let me become addicted to drugs, you know? I just place my emphasis on the why when talking about a drug addiction, wouldn't want to argue with anyone whether it's a disease, a symptom or both. Actually I think it's just how I think about addiction in general.

I don't know, maybe it's also got something to do with how I often hear "alcohol ruined the life of xxx" "they should ban alcohol and that wouldn't have happened!" together. Much less than I hear "he became an alcoholic and lost everything because xxx happened" "they should ban alcohol and none of that would have happened!"

It's a richness to have people expressing their thought differently though.

Indeed it is. And you’re right, way too many people refuse to take responsibility for their mistakes.

Addiction is such a complicated phenomenon full of complex emotional issues. People thinking in one way, acting another way. And actually BEING yet another one still.

It can be very challenging to put it all accurately into words.
 
Yes it ruined mine and almost of all my relationships were ruined due to drugs and alcohol. I know I can't go back and change what I did, I have no control over what happen. Now I just have to make better choices and chose not to do those things. It's a real struggle sometimes and I'll admit I'll cry when nobody is around me when I'm depressed on certain days. Thankfully good things are happening. I'm not proud of any of the things I did or how I acted towards my friends.
 
Heroin ruined many relationships and friendships. I don't do that stuff anymore. I've been clean off that shit for 618 days.

I wouldn't say that drugs ruined my life tho, it was more of the abuse I endured from growing up as a minority and getting beat by my dad on a daily basis. Until I 'fixed him' for trying to still hit me when i was 18 and going to college. RIP Dad. Now I understand why you were so hard on me because you were a Lt. in the Air Force during the wars that happened after WW2, and saw the atrocities committed by the Japanese against your country when you were growing up.

I grew up in a broken home but we were quite well off. But because of the way I was treated at home I tended to act out and take my anger out on others. I too have PTSD :(.
 
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Congrats chompy!! 618 is a long time. :)

It must be quite difficult to handle sobriety and dealing with PTSD. My hats off to you!!
 
Fucked up many different ways, just realized I've waste over 2k dollars on speed last 2 months, fuck nothing I can do now. Too many bad and stupid choices.
 
Me too. I had actually spent a 2 bedroom apartment in NYC current value for lower Manhattan location during 20+ years, and nobody noticed as I worked all the time and was always okay with others points of view. Nothing seemed to matter as long as I had a stash of 500+ ampules of Dilaudid, Morphine and boxes of Valium. Selected tested heroin for rainy days.

If it wasn’t for my coma due to a nearly lethal OD, I would have been dead by now. I wasted my life. It’s good that I am reconstructing it again but my nightmares are still after me. Better everyday! :)
 
If it were not for opiate/opioid pain medication, I would not be able to wash my own hair or shower or dress myself or move.
I live in severe chronic pain. I have major injuries and some kind of movement disorder.
I would literally be on the ground screaming, crying, and writhing in pain begging for death.
They allow me to sleep and eat. Those are some pretty big necessities there. Movement, sleep, eating.

I also suffer from cluster and migraine headaches that leave me unable to see and have left me stuck on the side of the road throwing up out my car door and waiting for my vision to come back so I could make it home.

It was Tylenol and NSAIDS that fucked up my health even worse. If I had been prescribed pure morphine right from the start my stomach would not be shredded and my liver and kidneys would not have failed.

This medication- MS Contin has allowed me to live.

I think it is very IMPORTANT that we do not demonize these medications! They are needed, necessary, life saving, and help with major suffering. Let's not forget this! Lest one day you find yourself NEEDING them!
 
Drugs, opiates in particular, at one point made me feel that my life was ruined. I mean, it was my fault ultimately, and also the result of covering up trauma from being in an emotionally abusive relationship for a long, long time. But the drugs made it much worse. I truly believed I was done, I'd be miserable and addicted my whole life. However, that all ended 4 years ago and my life is great again, I made some changes and then was able to quit opiates and never look back. My point is, never give up, no matter how bleak it seems. <3
 
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