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Dealing with PTSD without drugs

tbh i think if you just played video games that you enjoy and process those emotions its probably the same thing as edmr. as for now ill just smoke weed like my doctors have told me.
 
Mafioso said:
I was recently diagnosed with PTSD related to abuse in my childhood and my lifestyle later in life. I'm in my late 20s. I'm not totally convinced that I have PTSD, but am still curious to hear how others cope with it and their stories relating to it. I know it may be possible and I have noticed that I seem to react differently to stressful situations. I'm a bit of an adrenaline junkie.. things like skydiving or driving fast does not scare me just gives me a great deal of excitement and thrill. I actually feel very content and usually am pretty calm.

I'd love to hear your story and how/if you are able to cope with it.
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Yes anytime I deal with stressful situations and anytime I feel threatened I'm very calm about everything that's going on. I think it's part of with what you've had to go through and you're body is going into safe mode. Sometimes it takes a long time before I can react to certain things going on.

I'm still in therapy and I meditate a lot daily and now I've been getting deeply into art and I listen to a lot of ambient music which helps me out a lot. Think it's pretty common that your doing risky things with everything that you've been through as a child. I was abused to when I was a child and many people could tell by my eyes that I wasn't entirely happy inside. Now I'm pretty happy and I still have a hard time smiling a lot. So sometimes I practice in the mirror or I think of something that makes me happy and I'll start smiling. Trust me, you're not a damaged person. Something just happened to you that was beyond your control. If you'd ever like to talk, pm me. :)
 
BlueWeepingRose said:
Yes anytime I deal with stressful situations and anytime I feel threatened I'm very calm about everything that's going on. I think it's part of with what you've had to go through and you're body is going into safe mode. Sometimes it takes a long time before I can react to certain things going on.

I'm still in therapy and I meditate a lot daily and now I've been getting deeply into art and I listen to a lot of ambient music which helps me out a lot. Think it's pretty common that your doing risky things with everything that you've been through as a child. I was abused to when I was a child and many people could tell by my eyes that I wasn't entirely happy inside. Now I'm pretty happy and I still have a hard time smiling a lot. So sometimes I practice in the mirror or I think of something that makes me happy and I'll start smiling. Trust me, you're not a damaged person. Something just happened to you that was beyond your control. If you'd ever like to talk, pm me. :)
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Thanks for the encouragement. I've been told that I have sad eyes as well. Expressing emotion is really difficult for me, even when I'm asked how I feel I often say "I don't know". For most people it is a simple question and has simple answers, but not for me. I'm always perplexed by the question and then frustrated that I don't have a simple answer.

I've been thinking about this a lot and am really trying to find alternatives to putting my life at risk to feel normal. I forgot how I used to play in a band and when we would play shows I would get the same type of rush. The idea of expressing myself in front of a crowd is almost just as frightening as life threatening things for me. I think this is something that would really help me work through this in a healthy way.

Thanks to everyone for sharing. It's easy to feel like I am the only one because trauma isn't really something that is every talked about. It's highly personal, can even be embarrassing and definitely not very socially acceptable.

I'd still love to hear about others' experiences with things like EDMR therapy and other means of treatment, as well as just general experience in living/dealing with PTSD or trauma if anyone else is wanting to share.
 
Its a reaction to fear and things that make you feel threatened. This happens a lot of me too as I have difficulty expressing what i'm feeling at the moment. I really recommend weight lifting if you dont already do so, and not just bodybuilding, do some powerlifting. That shit saved my life as I was able to see physical progress on my body. I was told before to "Beat the Body with the Mind, Beat the Mind with the Body".

I used to see a therapist but she claimed to not know anything but don't give up on looking for a good doctor. I was lucky recently and my doctor actually has PTSD and whatnot so hes very understanding and knows about the condition quite well for a regular doctor. Plus I think i have group therapy today! Actually looking foward to that.

Just like you I used to be a risk taker. Made a lot of bad choices when I was younger and rolled with the kind of people you shouldn't hand out with and hung out in bad places. I played all kinds of sports, I was a state champion once but never done skydiving, that shit is too hardcore lol.

Yea they really can see it in the eyes. I have to fake it to make it these days. I wish I had some words of encouragement but If you want to talk I'm here. We need support for this type of thing.
 
I also had the childhood from the depths of hell. Took me years to process it and figure it out. I came very very close to killing the person (s) responsible. Oh so close. PTSD for me was constantly being in the negative. My childhood was all negative... Thats where the trap was and the thing I was oh so wrong about. My childhood was bad but it was also good and full of wonder. I had stopped thinking about the good and wonder and fiercely clung to the negative. Thats PTSD... Clinging and hanging on to the negative.

It took me a while to re-balance things in my mind. The person did abuse me yes... But the person also put food on the table, cloths on my back, a roof over my head. Took me many places. I started to reconnect with all the good times I had. I balanced the evil with the good and ended up with gray... Gray I can live with.

Balance it and let it go...

R13
 
Hi there Mafioso. I can relate very much to your story and I thank you for sharing. I didn't start experiencing symptoms of PTSD until I began my journey of recovery from addiction. The less chemically dependent I became it seemed that the more access I had to memories of traumatic events, difficult emotions as well as traumatic vivid dreams and flashbacks which would often effect me to a considerable extent throughout the day. Perhaps I was self-medicating to avoid re-experienceing traumatic memories and difficult emotions related to past trauma.

I am currently on MMT and have been for about three years and have not used illicit opiates for about two. It was not until I decided to also detox myself from benzodiazepines that difficult memories had come flooding back with a disturbing furacity! Withdrawing from benzos was traumatic enough and I have had many episodes of lapses and relapse of benzo use particularly when my mental health had become debilitating and I felt haunted by traumatic memories. I know I still have a way to go by reducing my dose of methadone and that may uncover even more painful emotions but I firmly believe that my benzo use had caused more damage to my mental health than when I was using heroin and crack cocaine. It has been the most difficult drug for me to let go off because it had the greatest effect for me of blocking out past trauma as well as some recent trauma that occurred during active addiction.

I can understand that the occasional and infrequent use of benzos can be helpful in times of extreme distress but I was unable to use the drugs in this controlled manner - I am an addict so I abused them. The particular problem that I had with benzos is that it did not allow me to process these traumatic events and memories, and to be honest that is what I wanted at the time. Detoxing from benzos, with some infrequent lapses when my mental health had been particularly bad, is what I needed to do as attempting to suppress my difficult memories often lead to these memories to emerge in other ways, through other addictive behaviours, traumatic vivid dreams and flashbacks.

I found counselling useful when I was detoxing from benzo's but a part of me did not want to re-live and deconstruct every single painful and traumatic event or memory and I did not feel like that was helpful to me. I found CBT particularly helpful as it gave me the tools to develop my own healthy coping strategies and I began to learn to see a different perspective on my past events and trying to change my response to difficult thoughts and memories. It did take some considerable time to get to where a I am as well as a lot of introspection and self-development, and I still have a long way to go as my next challenge is to get off of methadone which I know is going to be tough feat.

Your story resonated with me and I admire your openness and honesty. You CAN regain your life and recover, and there are tools out there that you may find helpful such as various types of therapy, medication (but approach some medication with caution and make sure you are able to make an informed decision on your treatment). Mindfulness activities can help to ground you and help bring you back to the present moment and is particularly helpful if you are experiencing flashbacks as well as anxiety. And do what you are doing now, talking and sharing your experiences with others as this is often a very cathartic process that can also help other individuals as well as yourself. I wish you the best of luck!
 
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Medications are basically off the table for me. I'm a poly drug addict and will abuse basically any drug that will get me high and attempt to abuse most any drug that might.

I've been having a lot of intense dreams this past week, waking up frequently. It's strange, it's been almost 4 months since I quit using drugs and am just recently starting to have a lot of dreams about using. I was obsessed with the idea of being in altered states and I guess part of me still is, or at least misses being so wrecked that I don't feel anything. My emotions seem to be all or nothing.

Going to start physical training this week. Hopefully that helps. I'm doing well in school although I've been procrastinating until the last minute, I still managed to get very high marks.
 
I recommend powerlifting and accessory work aka 'bodybuilding'. Squat heavy, deadlift heavy, eat clean. My 45 pound barbell and garage gym is the only thing that keeps me sane when I'm in a bad mood.

I was abused as a child for any small mistake. Got my ass beat a lot by my dad, both parents would gaslight me and publicly humiliate me, I remember my dad taking away my first $1000 when I started working at 16. Apparently getting good grades in school should be my priority instead of socializing with friends.

Been in a few car accidents but luckily I survived all 3. Almost got knocked out by the airbags but that's about it. To this day I have a phobia driving on the freeway but I still do it but then my adrenaline is just running like i'm on meth.

I've been shot at and held up at gunpoint and robbed, and just recently my house was burglarized and my car stolen. The city's finest found my car so props to them.

People have thrown eggs at me and called me racist things while I was waiting for the bus when my car was in the repair shop. And other racist things. So I beat them up.

I would say my PTSD is from a bunch of unfortunate experiences that constantly occurred during my life. My dad passed away last year and I had to pull the plug on him. I've had many friends OD and seen things that most people shouldn't see.

Now I'm having flashbacks but I just had to
 
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You have seen so much of terror in life, and I feel like anyone who has experienced what you have makes for some of the most amazing oppertunities for wisdom, an ability to understand and help others, and many other outstanding character traits. Yeah violent tendencies aren’t a good things, but it is far from unusual as a survivor of abuse.

Your workout sounds pretty good too. I can’t wait till my foot heals so I can start getting real exercise again. I’d really like to get more into lifting myself, as I never really developed my upper body.

What, if you don’t mind my asking, do you do for a living? You could do some amazing good in the world once you feel more settled with what you’re going through. Or at least gain the insight necessary to become successful in your own life.

I hope you start getting the chance to experience more of the beauty also available in life. The terror without the beauty is a pretty shitty place to find oneself.
 
I used to work in a print shop. I also collect dividends on my stocks. I also collect recycles for the fun of it to keep my community clean. Recently I've been going out more. I have great neighbors in the community I live in to talk to about things.

My friends list has gotten shorter and shorter over the years as people pass away or move out of state or just move on. They can't deal with me when my PTSD acts up and I can understand why since I act like my dad these days.

I'm a fighter not a runner. I don't have many friends that live in the area and with my trust issues it's hard for me to make friends. But I've made some friends and am learning to trust again.

I am a warrior tho, I will not give up that easily. There's good days and bad days. I pray for more good days. I have been thinking of going to church and getting into some volunteer work, but sometimes I just can't be in a crowd of people without tripping out and thinking of ways to exit the premises and fight whoever I need to fight.
 
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Have you ever thought of volunteering at a hospice care center?

Basically lots of older people towards the end of life. It would definitely help you put life in perspective, and I imagine it would be difficult to act on anger even if it comes out around the difficulties clients are facing. Basically, a lot of people in hospice care, especially disconnect from family, just are happy (genuinely happy) to get the chance to spend some time with someone, pretty much without condition. I mention this just cause you mentioned church, and often many churches have parishioners and clergy who work or volunteer at such centers. Might be a nice way to connect with your local religious community via service, but I’m sure you’ll have other options too for that.

It’s tough aging and losing friends. Honestly I find it a little more challenging the older I get to find meaningful new relationships like I was when I was in my teens and early 20s. And loneliness is such a hard thing sometimes. Getting connected within a group of people via volunteering is still a really nice way to connect though. It doesn’t often lead to the mutually intimate kind of personal friendship I really crave, but it goes a long way to helping me feel more connected with other people.

That is awesome about the recycling btw. Do you happen to live near the ocean? There are some really cool groups that help clean up the beaches, and hanging around the beach is sooooo soothing for me. The ocean can be a very spiritual place. Much like forests, but different.

Is doing the stock dividend thing stressful? I have no experience with this, I’m just curious. I need to wrap my head around that stuff sooner or later. Lest I rely on my parents and an old friend who’s gone into business for that stuff, as certainly the former isn’t very sustainable.
 
Since my dad was in hospice and he passed right as the plug was pulled so I couldn't really volunteer without having flashbacks. I was in the hospital recently in a room quite similar to the one my dad was brought to after he fell and hit his head and I went into full flashback mode. I thought they were going to shut me off/lethal injection. 8 nurses had to restrain me, i broke thru my restraints twice, managed to headbutt one of them while restrained until they brought out the heavy duty stuff. I think i ripped some IV's out.
They had to hit me with mogodon twice and some other antipsychotic twice and give me 10mg ativan IM. And even then I was still waking up periodically trying to break out. I look back and laugh lol.

I'm thinking of volunteering on the HOA I live in to help out with our community. I get things done/take matters into my own hand. Me and a few other neighbors that are brave enough to walk outside after midnight are basically the unofficial community patrol. I catch trespassers all the time (private community) and chase them out. They like to hop over the fence and stuff to break into cars to get the garage openers, and then they come back in a few days to clean your house out. I'm thinking of starting an official one up so its official with the city.

I'm in my late 20's atm and yea it is a challenge to find meaningful relationships. I do happen to live near the ocean but driving my car without a friend with me is really stressful due to the past car accidents so I'm already in fight mode as soon as I get to my destination. Takes me like an hour to calm down.

The stocks, I was just lucky I bought the right ones and that my dad taught me how to invest and they went up quite a bit. Buy low, sell high etc

I am blessed to have what I have and the experiences that I've had. I just don't like the ptsd part where I can go from perfectly nice into rage mode. I am going to therapy tomorrow.
 
Damn, that sounds incredibly shitty about your experience with hospice. With that experience and everything else, you really have been through a lot. Your perspective about it is really amazing. Being able to laugh at one’s own insanity sometimes is definitely a sign of recovery. As opposed to just getting stuck in shame/self hatred/etc.

I wonder, maybe exploring trauma therapy might be a useful thing to pursue? It can be really challenging, but it was extremely therapeutic and helped me wrap my head around my own experience of PTSD. Bio-feedback stuff and another therapy (it is a reprocessing thing) I forget the name of are really helpful for some people. Maybe others with experience will chime in.

Your plans with the volunteering sound really good though. Maybe you can get certified as a security guard and find employment through that work down the road. Who knows, as you continue getting a hold on your challenges with PTSD, you’d make a great officer. It’s always good to have dreams.

And any excuse for Krav Maga is a good excuse for me :)
 
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Thanks for the words of encouragement. I have to get my record cleared from things I did when I was younger and dumber in order to get a guard card and just be security for the community or some place. I keep my head on a swivel all the time. I've been getting out of my shell by meeting all the neighbors I haven't met whenever I see them. I am trying to change but sometimes my old behaviors come out. Sharing my story is a bit stressful for me.

Luckily my doctor who leads the therapy group also has PTSD from his life experiences as well so he knows quite a bit on this stuff. Can't wait to see him tomorrow at group therapy.

I used to practice a lot of martial arts when I was younger and I am still good with my hands on the street. Had to 'tune' a few people up the last few weeks. They started acting aggressive so I just react.

Anyways I'm glad I shared a lot of my story but it is making me tired so I need a beer or 2. Thanks for your support.
 
I just went about my civic duty to clean up the park at night when the bums go out and collect cans and trash at midnight. SOOOOOO DIRTY. I must have got like over 20 plastic bottles and beer cans. I don't bother to pick up the glass cuz its too heavy to carry. So much trash everywhere at the park its just disgusting; a true eyesore. I did the best I could by myself picking up candy wrappers, foam take out trays, leftover fast food. I destroy their canned food as a signature.

I ain't scared of them bums I had to tune up one of the fakers the other day for pretending to be a Vietnam vet. When I asked him who his drill instructor was, his platoon, his corporal, his sgt, his staff sgt, they had no answer to say but "vietnam was 30 years ago I don't remember yada yada yada". That right there is a bunch of BS since the war happened in the 60's. Lets do the math, 30 years ago we were in the middle east.

Whenever I catch bums dumpster diving or drinking/camping in the park I say "sir ill take that trash for you" and i'll just snatch it up. If they get belligerent or start verbally assaulting me, I can legally defend myself and say I was scared for my life. This is the way I solve the homeless problem in my city. Take away their livelihood, eradicate their stashes of food and stolen goods and whatnot and sooner or later they will get the idea that the community cannot guarantee their safety if they stay there.

I have taken many bums beers away and dumped it out in front of them and take their cans. It's been working. There are less bums sleeping in our park now. My community also thanks me for tuning up trespassers

The city has been removing benches from bus stops to prevent the homeless from sleeping. However this sucks for the older and disabled citizens that rely on the bus for transport. The city has been reinforcing the fences and making them higher to prevent 'tent cities' from popping up. Unfortunately there are many encampments with populations of 500+ in each.

I have no love for the homeless that drink/drug. Those that are clearly in need I will give them water and offer to buy them a meal.

Sorry for the rant, just had to get that off my chest.
 
chompy said:
I just went about my civic duty to clean up the park at night when the bums go out and collect cans and trash at midnight. SOOOOOO DIRTY. I must have got like over 20 plastic bottles and beer cans. I don't bother to pick up the glass cuz its too heavy to carry. So much trash everywhere at the park its just disgusting; a true eyesore. I did the best I could by myself picking up candy wrappers, foam take out trays, leftover fast food. I destroy their canned food as a signature.

I ain't scared of them bums I had to tune up one of the fakers the other day for pretending to be a Vietnam vet. When I asked him who his drill instructor was, his platoon, his corporal, his sgt, his staff sgt, they had no answer to say but "vietnam was 30 years ago I don't remember yada yada yada". That right there is a bunch of BS since the war happened in the 60's. Lets do the math, 30 years ago we were in the middle east.

Whenever I catch bums dumpster diving or drinking/camping in the park I say "sir ill take that trash for you" and i'll just snatch it up. If they get belligerent or start verbally assaulting me, I can legally defend myself and say I was scared for my life. This is the way I solve the homeless problem in my city. Take away their livelihood, eradicate their stashes of food and stolen goods and whatnot and sooner or later they will get the idea that the community cannot guarantee their safety if they stay there.

I have taken many bums beers away and dumped it out in front of them and take their cans. It's been working. There are less bums sleeping in our park now. My community also thanks me for tuning up trespassers

The city has been removing benches from bus stops to prevent the homeless from sleeping. However this sucks for the older and disabled citizens that rely on the bus for transport. The city has been reinforcing the fences and making them higher to prevent 'tent cities' from popping up. Unfortunately there are many encampments with populations of 500+ in each.

I have no love for the homeless that drink/drug. Those that are clearly in need I will give them water and offer to buy them a meal.

Sorry for the rant, just had to get that off my chest.
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Wow I don't even know how to respond to that. I really hope you don't ever end up in a position of authority that's for damn sure.
 
Thanks cj. I also found that post rather disturbing. And also had no idea how to respond, but your response helped me process me, at first, extreme reaction to reading that.

I hope chompy is able to continue working on their anger. They’d make such a better authority figure if there wasn’t that kind of bias keeping them from doing their job. It’s okay to dislike people who are homeless and use drugs, but it’s abother matter to actively engage in antagonizing them.

Chompy, why do you have the aversive relationship you seem to with these kind of people? Have you been homeless yourself? It is odd that a drug user/former drug user would be so cold towards others struggling, but I guess this kind of thing is pretty common.
 
Especially so if you're in a security field such as a guard or patrol officer for a private security company. Your job there isn't to pursue or engage the problem or suspect. You are there to observe, report, and interfere if it's a life threatening situation only. I've worked at too many of the big private security companies and that's how you're supposed to proceed. If there is a situation you call the cops who have legal authority to fix the situation. If you try to confront it, 9 out of 10 times you will have changes pressed on you for assault, kidnapping, etc. You'd think you have the authority to do things on private property while working security. You don't. You'll get thrown under the bus as well and the company will not take your side. Easier to fire you then pay on a lawsuit.

Put it this way. I saved a inmates life with CPR while I was working at the prison. A week went by and I got served papers for a lawsuit against me for assaulting said inmate. He claimed I did not have his permission and was not a qualified health care provider (I had my CPR card and it basic first aid as it was required for the job). It got dismissed but that's just one of the many lawsuits I got from similar incidents.

Just my two cents.
 
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