1 year after I jumped off a bridge, still need help!!!!

[Lcarrol98]

Hi I'm 19 years old last year I jumped off a bridge during a psychotic experience due to substance abuse(MDMA, cocaine,alcohol) Im on the road to recovery doing all the right things like good diet excercise, meditation read a lot on mindfulness and I'm currently doing cognitive behavioural therapy once a week with my psychiatrist.

I still feel like I have a lot of stuff that are dragging me down and questions that have not been answered.

During my first psychotic break I had the full works extremely delusional thinking paranoia. It was like this whole other reality took form in my head and I was now seeing the 'real' world. My whole perception if reality, visually and psychologically changed in the worst way imaginable. I was drifting in and out of consciousness rambling about extremely irrational things, talking to walls and I basically blanked out and can't remember anything.

The worst day of my life was the morning after this I was still in a very bad way and I'm very lucky I have such a supportive family as my mum spent all day comforting me. I recovered about 50% and felt a lot more like myself and Gained control of my thoughts but for some extremely strange and ridiculous reason I had this irrational thought that in order to 'get back' to myself and stay in the realm of reality I need to take more drugs and stay in control in order to gain control of my sanity. This went on for 4 months I would isolate myself all week in the depths of paranoia and madness and every 1-2 weeks I would take more drugs and have another psychotic break. Basically it's like having a broken leg and every time it was getting better I was just getting a hammer and breaking it again.

Overall I'd say I've had these psychotic experiences about 4-5 times and the last one I had was by far the worst. Usually whenever this happens I blank out and have little to no memory of what happened and would get the occasional flashback. This time though I was much more aware of what was going on it was like I was possessed. I completely lost control of my body and it was like someone else was putting thoughts into my head and words into my mouth. Every time I would try to speak the same words would come out. It was like the thought loops in my head were projecting to my mouth so basically I was saying the same 4 or 5 words over and over again on repeat. I couldn't stop. It was the most terrifying thing I have ever experienced.

I thought I was going to be trapped like this for the rest of my life unable to escape this loop. My mind was completely blank I was incapable of absorbing any other information other than these 4 words completely unaware of my surroundings. My friends managed to get me home although I felt like they hated me and wanted me dead and that I was the butt of all jokes. I can remember those terrible thoughts. Lucky enough my parents weren't home so I got in bed and I don't know how but I somehow managed to sleep.

I woke up the next day and actually felt a bit better I felt like myself I had slightly more control over my head although the my memory was very hazy. I stuck on a movie but I thought the actors were trying to send me subliminal messages I became extremely paranoid and then all of a sudden the memory if last night came back and the thought loop returned.
My mum came in to check on me but I was just repeating the same 4 or 5 words over and over again. I couldn't stop. Occasionally I could say something simple but my mum told me that I would then say the complete opposite of what I had just said but she told me I'll be fine I just need a good rest.

This went on for 8 hours straight. It was the worst hell imaginable. Eventually I couldn't take it anymore I ran out of the house Trying to escape my mind. It sounds pretty stupid but that's what I thought was the best option. Everywhere I went I heard my friends voices coming from behind trees and bushes saying negative things about me and poking fun at me. I thought they were following me. I tried to outrun them and then I thought I was getting chased by dogs so I ran even faster and I reached a bridge. In a split second decision I jumped off it thinking the only way to escape this was to end it all. I survived, obviously lol.

I instinctively put on my arms to break my fall and completely shattered my wrists. I spent 2 weeks in hospital and suffered 2 broken wrists, broken pelvis and fractured 2 vertebrates in my back. I underwent intensive reconstruction surgery on my wrists which I still suffer abit from but apart from that I'm pretty much fully recovered physically.

During my time in the hospital I spoke to many psych doctors who assured my that it was just the drugs and I don't have anything underlying and I recovered naturally after a few days without any meds but I have abs no memory of the first few days in hospital.

What I'm seeking help for today is I want more understanding. During these psychotic breaks where I blank out its like another person takes control over my body. My friend took a video of me in this state just to show me a few days later and it absolutely terrified me. I looked like my brains had turned to mush and I actually looked like a 4 year old and was talking like a child. I felt so embarrassed and ashamed of what I had done to myself. I looked like a completely different person.

What I want to know is has anyone ever experienced anything like this?
Have I pushed my brain to a point that I can never recover from by continuing to do drugs when I should have stopped?
How did I start experiencing the psychotic symptoms again the next day despite having a good sleep when that had never happened before?
Has anyone else ever seen other people in similar states where they looked like completely different people and seemed like they had the learning capacity of a very young child?
I'm 100% commited to staying off drugs and alcohol as the thought of becoming that other person again absolutely terrifies me and if I stick to that will I recover fully?

Thanks so much for taking the time to read this post. I can't even begin to explain how much this means to me as all this stuff going on has affected me on such a profound level and I just wanna be able to get back to the person I was and live a life that I can be proud of.

Thanks again!!!!

 

[DogLover123757]

Hello, I have some of the same thoughts and feelings as you do but unfortunately I am not very educated in this area. I am sorry that I won't be very helpful but this is something I wish I could explain or understand better. I get extremely paranoid at times and have delusions to the point where it seems like I get pulled into a separate reality. I haven't tried the cognitive behavioral route, do you feel that is helping you? What all does it consist of? I just feel like I am so fucked up at times that getting better won't be happening at all. I was adopted at a young age and I know nothing about my birth parents, only that they weren't married (not even together) so I don't know if this is something I have inherited. I did abuse a time of drugs for about 20 years but I don't know if that is the cause of my problems. Do your thoughts have different strengths? Sorry if that's a dumb question it just seems that my delusions seem to vary from time to time and I have tried to think if my environment has any effect or if it is just a roller coaster ride of varying degrees. So how do you feel now? I hope you are doing okay and you can pull through this and overcome it. Again I apologize for not being of great help but I wish you the best as you navigate this journey we are on.

 

[herbavore]

I think sometimes extremely scary experiences from drugs can simply get lodged in the mind--the way any other trauma does. One of the ways I have concocted for myself when I get sucked into a panic-syndrome in my head is to visualize really big ocean waves. If you are right in front of one of those waves it will surely crush you, roll you around on the ocean floor like a ragdoll and possibly even drown you. But, there are many ways to either avoid the wave altogether or ride it. You can dive under and let all the power of the surge just go over your back or you can come into it from the side and let the power become your power as you ride it back to shore. It's just a visual image but having experience with the ocean makes it real for me. Maybe it could help you or maybe you could come up with an image that comes from your life--some physical kind of danger that you have experience with and know how to control. Using this method when I had actual panic attacks was often too hard. For those I was taught to simply start verbally naming the manifestations of the fear in my body (my heart is racing, my sweat glands are producing sweat, etc). That has a way of focusing your mind, not on the self-manufactured fear based thoughts but on the actual present where in fact you are not in danger.

Most importantly, I would try to see these episodes as just part of a healing process. Do not get stuck in fatalistic thinking that you have caused permanent damage or been thrown into something from which you cannot recover. You are very wise to avoid mind altering substances. Try going further than that even and research the healthiest diet for you. Nurture faith in yourself. You might do this through meditation, through therapy, through spending time in nature. In other words, take care of yourself. You have been through an extreme trauma (jumping off a bridge!) and now you are healing both physically and mentally. Trust time. Trust your own body and mind.

 

[Thick_as_a_Planck]

That sounds like an absolutely fucking horrible experience. I've had phychosis a handful of times - but very mild compared to yours - and there is simply nothing more terrifying. But the (sort of) good news is that you do know exactly what caused it - drugs. You're 19 years old and you've already had your moment of clarity. You have an absolute cast-iron reason not to take any kinds of drugs. OK, that kind of sucks because drugs can be fun and at your age I imagine everyone you know is doing them. But it kind of doesn't suck because drugs fuck up your life massively and quite often also your health, finances, career, family and friends. Most people take many, many years to learn that, including myself. But you know it already. If you can use that knowledge and keep living a healthy lifestyle then yes, I don't see why you shouldn't make a full recovery. You might even end up being healthier than people who use casually over many years. Just keep livin'. It does get easier.