Kicking again

[trip407]

So i have been using continuously again since last fall, when i was kicked out of rehab, because i relapsed. The last kick was incredibly stressful on my mind and body, almost traumatic, so i needed a good reason to kick again.

Well and there it is, last month my ex gf contacted me again, to tell me that i am actually the father of her young daughter, not her new partner. They have made a DNA test, and the result was negative for him. I knew i could be the father, when her mom told me the birth date. I calculated back and shivering's went down my spine. It was exactly the last day we both met and had a very fun night together. She had already moved into her own flat. We both drove to Hamburg, red light district and enjoyed ourselves in these countless pubs with heroin, amphetamines and a little drink here and there. We talked very openly about our whole relationship, something she had problems with, when sober. I was happy and hoped for a better future. Of course we ended the night in a drug fuelled intercourse.

One year later, after almost no contact. We talked again about the situation. She told me i can see the baby, if i am not using heroin or any drugs for that matter. It was amazing when i first met that little baby and she was sitting content in my arms smiling at me. That was all i ever hoped for, my own family. It was also clear from her body language, that she worried about me in an angry way. Even though i wanted to meet her as clear as my addiction allowed i failed and was in a bad shape. The implications were clear, i needed to quit(now).

Gladly my diazepam taper was almost through and i was left with my heroin addiction (severe) and amphetamine problem (minor). Its not difficult for me to stop amphetamines, when they are not within my reach. So I've got rid of whatever small stash that was left. Now three weeks ago i switched from heroin to my prescribed 800 mg morphine sulphate. It was a rough switch, but as i got used to it, i tapered every day as much as possible. Last week i checked into a detox center, where i received a quick methadone taper. Unfortunately i got into an argument there with another patient, that culminated into severe insults and threats. I concluded that this environment wouldn't have anything left i could profit from and left against medical advise on my first day without opiates. Now i am home the second day and kill the time with the help of lyrica and a little amphetamine in the morning. Time did fly by this day. I have to admit i don't feel as bad as expected. I get solid sleep every night like at least 6 hours straight. Yesterday i had some minor stomach cramps and the lack of appetite starts to annoy me a little, but this is attributed more to the amphetamine, then withdrawals. If it doesn't change for the worse, i think i can tolerate this kick very good.

Where will this lead now? Is this again a half-hearted try to get clean or will i have the energy, will power and motivation to get this done for good? Four years have gone by since my longest clean stretch of two years. My ex gf kicked her 1,5 year heroin/subutex affair cold turkey, when she knew she was pregnant, all while still working. Admittedly she didn't have a high dose i.v. poly drug addiction and is still in her early twenties, but she still has my full respect. I don't know anyone who has done it that easy and never looked back. Probably she only used because i did and she wanted to be close to me or cope with the situation. Its making me sad i didn't respect her more. It was only when she had moved, i realized what a burden i have put on her. I injected right in front of her eyes, all day, every day. Many evenings i was nothing more then an intoxicated mess from opiates, benzos, pregabalin and synthetic cannabinoids. Unable to even move to bed, barely breathing. My sex drive was severely impaired from opiates, which made her feel worthless and undesirable. I often times still miss her, but it has gotten better over time.

This week i still have holidays. I have put every obligations on hold for now. This week everything that helps, to kick this habit, except benzos and opiates is allowed. When i go back to work, i want to cut it down to a reasonable dose of lyrica and some weed to sleep. I have absolute no cravings now. But they usually tend to come back with full force, when i feel a little better and as someone has put it, " you realize what desaster zone you have left behind". Fortunately i have a job, a nice home and above all a healthy daughter to live for. I really don't see any need in blasting myself into oblivion with heroin.

I need to find a way to cope with emotions and also find new ways to occupy me, especially in the evening. But these are topics i will address when in paws.

 

[simco]

It sounds like you've got your priorities and desires in really good order. That going to help you a lot.

In terms of coping with emotions, my biggest advice is to try to sort through this with the help of some people you trust. It can be anyone--family, friends, counselors, doctors. But it's really helpful to keep ourselves from feeling isolated during this very intense period of time.

Do you have anyone you can talk to honestly about what you're going through?

 

[trip407]

Unfortunately i have told my family too often that i kick for good. But it never lasted long, so i want to safe the embarrassment.

One good friend of mine is kicking right now in another hospital. He will have his first clean day tomorrow. We chat and phone almost daily. Also im in good contact with the mum of my ex, she was addicted to alcohol and always helps me too see my daughter. She has become a good friend over time, i realise now.

I know i should do more, go out to meetings, or do counselling. But i don't feel i need that right now. Maybe i will reach out to my workmates, if i feel its appropriate. I am still new there with just 3 month under my belt. But i think there must have been rumours about me floating. First i wear t-shirts every day, and my arms are full of scars left and right, with fresh punctures in between. Second, many of the workers come from the small town i have grown up. Some have been even on the same school at the same time. So its totally in the realms of possibility, that someone have at least heard of my addiction. And third, one female college has been working with my ex gf, and even gave her some furniture, for her first flat. And i am sure she talked about our problems at that time with her (my relapse, and the subsequent conflict we had). Well after all, i did only hear one allusion to my addiction. But we have only been joking around, at that time, it could be coincidence. But as i feel my addiction to substances is still an integral part of my personality. I like to talk about my problems with the people around me that i value. So its easier for them to understand and maybe even support me to get clean again.

 

[trip407]

I am going to abstain from amphetamines, they do more harm then good. Yesterday i "found" a used needle in the cabinet and of course my brain was immediately wired up und i shoot up whatever was in reach, which was amphetamine sulphate (pretty pure at that). Couldn't' t sleep all night till seven o'clock in the morning. Was drinking a beer/lemon mix (2,5%), because i don't want to go the benzodiazepine route again. I'd really like to do my hobby's and clean up my home, but i am just way too unmotivated. Its scary to know the smallest amount of diamorphine like 30mg would bring me back to life and flying through these tasks in 2 hours. I have now to respect my natural limitations, and can't exceed them any more with cocktails of heroin and amphetamines. if i am tired or my legs hurt from excessive work load i need to respect that. I have always ask myself how bad it is to go much beyond what your body is telling you.

 

[trip407]

Had a rough night, pain all over, restless legs, etc. After i couldn't sleep for hours i took 4x5mg diazepam, the last pills i had left from my taper. Possibly the last traces of methadone has cleared from my system.
Have a very hard time eating. The Problem is the pregabalin has lost its power, i barely feel 300mg now. Hope i am able to get up leave the house today.

 

[Jabberwocky]

Having amps as part of the picture of early recovery tends to be more trouble than they are worth (there are some exceptions with some medical conditions of course, but as a general rule). Few things are worse than the crash or even just comedown's after effects while kicking or having just kicked. It suuucks. Like sucks the life out of my brain/body. I wouldn't be surprised if part of how you're feeling yesterday/today was also in part do to that.

How long has it been since you used any opioids/methadone now?

Even just stepping outside into the sun helps, although I prefer trees do you have any plans for today or the coming days?

 

[trip407]

I have finally cleaned my home from the worst of the worst when i left to hospital. I am still debating if i take a ride to the next city or not.

I have used for 4 years this time.(had another 7 year stint before, making it a total of 11 years on opiates) Starting with very low doses of heroin, soon after i got a sub script and was most of time ok with 2mg snorted during the day, with the occasional heroin here and there. After a year i used so much heroin on top of the subs, that i didn't take subs on some days and the switch back was getting more difficult each time. My life was mostly in control with subs, i was still training and working, was in a relationship. But after a year of subs i couldn't take them any more and switched to methadone. Methadone is evil like everybody knows, i now turned into a full junky fiend and injected methadone several times a day( up to 200mg), adding cannabinoids and benzos on top. Also i was using lyrica twice a day as prescribed. The situation was bad, my gf begged me to quit the methadone. In those two years of methadone i used regularly heroin on top, to get at least a small rush. At least i didn't take any cocaine, i have been on bad coke benders before. But i picked up a small amphetamine addiction too. Mostly injected together with something else. Last october when i was kicked out of rehab, i had a one month stint with heroin only, no job, gf left me i was in bad shape. Then i went on morphine replacement therapy and got on 800mg slow release oral morphine. I stabilized, kicked my diazepam habbit (again) and also kicked lyrica after almost 3 years. But when i got weekly take homes, i converted the morphine homebake style to acetylated morphine. This was much more potent and euphoric then the morphine, or any dope i ever bought for that matter. So i was another 6 month on 400-600mg diamorphine freebase (100-150mg per shot, scale was mandatory). And switched back almost a month ago to oral morphine and tapered with the occasional shot of 50mg M here and there, when i felt really bad.

Yes that's my story, i should add in the 7 yeas when i was really young i never even once tried to kick. In those 4 years now i was multiple times in a detox hospital and also tried to kick many times at home. It never worked, thats why i fear so much i'll relapse again....

 

[Jabberwocky]

Have you explored options outside pharmacotherapy? There is absolutely nothing wrong with being on buprenorphine, methadone or morphine, but it's generally just one piece of the puzzle. It's good to gain some stabaility in terms of mood and not having to constancy spend effort and resources sourcing drugs, but if time on maintaince isn't spent doing anything else in terms of personal development, and the effort is still put primarily into using whatever to fix, it can get messy as you mentioned.

So you're no long on morphine? How do you feel about being in your current situation compared to ORT, and is there anything you can identify as helping you avoid or better bounce back from a lapse before it turns into a full blown relapse?

 

[trip407]

I haven't slept at all the night before this. So i finally took 2mg clonazepam slept 4 hours maybe at best and woke up still very sedated. But i now seem to feel better. I don't have the need to take Lyrica , i reduced yesterday from 600 to 450. Now i skip as long i feel this fine. Yes of course still way off, but not feeling horribly. Yes i am of off all opiates now, i have to admit i used a small amount of morphine maybe 25mg i.v., as i still had this syringe i found. But that was 4 days ago. I personally cannot make personal developments at least no significant ones, be it on heroin or maintenance drugs. But maintainace drugs usually serve me only as back up option, or source of income for heroin.

I have to work for two hours the day after tomorrow, and following that day, my regular work will start again. And this can be quite physical at times. I still use amphetamine sulphate,now snorted (feels way less intense with less side effect). Will leave the house today, meet my friend and make some purchases. Yesterday almost the whole day i had visits from friends and that helped me tremendously from the psychological site. And time went much faster.

For now i just try to not meet anyone using heroin and steer clear from places where they usually can be found. Occupation i will have much faster then i want. And i want to sort out the problems regarding me ex gf and daughter. I have heard some promising words. good day everyone...

 

[trip407]

I gave in yesterday evening as a sudden and uncontrollable desire to use arise, for no particular reason.I searched my complete home again and found a syringe quite quick, below my microwave?!?!. But i didn't find a damn needle, by the time i finally found a very blunt needle in my cellar i had a total of three syringes found. I had never been this euphoric from M (40mg at max), not nodding but energetic and talkative , just what i like most about opiates, that i can socialise so well with them. Still i could not stomach down much food. And my mood became soon darker, not from Wds, but from fears, doubts and loss of hope. I never felt so lonely this damn kick, i cried like a baby, till i fell asleep.
I think it was a mistake to drop the whole pregablin dose at once yesterday. Yes the pain has severely lessened for the first day, but i didn't think about the psychological disaster it would put me in. Pain hasn't been all that bad this morning, had a very hard time not giving in again, and was fiending like a madman through my home, but no needle to be found. And i just wont bother with any other route. Now 225mg pregabalin is at work and its getting better. Tomorrow morning i have to work two hours. So i can test the waters if its actually physically possible. Anything is still a physical chore, and i am short of breath and exhausted by the absolute minimum workload.
Its just this long road i still have ahead that scares me. But i really need to stay strong. If i can't work next Monday, then i'll go to my doctor he knows my situation well, as he has given me subs and methadone for some years. I just switched because he is like 70 and will retire any day, and he didn't want to put me on morphine replacement therapy. If you know him long and are upfront with him that you are in deep shit, he will hand you some lyrica, diazepam, subs or methadone for free even if your not on maintenance(which is prohibited by law).I never exploited him, cause he genuinely wants to help the people who nobody would care about.

I hope to stay clean today.