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Recovery The Twiary

T

twang

Bluelighter
Joined
May 12, 2012
Messages
105
Seeing so many of these has made me want to start one of my own. Hopefully I can look back on this digital diary one day and smile and be proud of the success I make from here on out. My basic story is out there in other posts but to sum up: Started eating hydrocodone at age 15, snorting Oxycodone at age 16, and was shooting heroin by age 18. I'm 25 years old now. During those 10 years I was able to stop using once for a short time. I made it about 4-5 months on suboxone when I was (I think) 21 years old. The last 10 years are pretty hard to remember for obvious reasons. Remembering dates of events, even memorable ones, is nearly impossible. So after getting on suboxone for 4-5 months, I relapsed and was on heroin again until sometime in April 2017. Never did see the reasoning in keeping a clean date. Feels like that would set me up for failure. I had been wanting to get clean for awhile but I work and go to school and it just felt like there was never a good time. So finally I realized no matter what was going on there was never going to be an opportune time to quit heroin, so I said fuck it and called into work for a week and stopped going to school.

When I initially quit using this most recent time I wasn't planning on getting on bupe, but after a week had passed of using no opiates at all, I was still feeling like shit and unable to attend school or go to work, so I ended up getting on bupe. The school semester was almost done and I was doing good up to the point I stopped going and didn't want the whole semester to be a waste. Would have been a lot of time and money down the drain. And I didn't want to tell my boss what I was going through so I didn't want to keep calling in to work and end up losing my job. I've been on subutex for around 5 months now, so this is the longest I've ever been clean since I started using opiates 10 years ago. I have no desire to get high on opiates or use heroin again, but the needle addiction is still going strong, so all of my bupe use has been IV. When I'm bored I use it compulsively and will use around 12mg a day. This ends up fucking me because I don't have a script and usually spend 2 weeks of the month using 12mg a day then I have to ration what I have left and can only use 3-4mg the rest of the month. So my current goal is to start using my bupe regularly instead of shooting it compulsively just to satisfy my desire of poking myself with a needle and shooting something into my vein. There's no real "first step" though, it's something I just have to do.

Since quitting dope I've started smoking cigarettes like crazy. I wake up every couple hours in the middle of the night and have a cigarette. At this point I'm not sure if I'm waking up because that's just my inability to sleep for consecutive hours, or if its because I need a cigarette. I used to hate cigarettes and talked shit on all my friends that smoked and asked why they would do something you get no gratification from that's killing you. You only get the gratification from smoking AFTER you're addicted. Starting smoking makes less sense than starting heroin. At least you get a high off heroin. Starting smoking is so pointless but when I was coming off opiates and my nerves were a wreck, they did help. I need to cut down on those too but one thing at a time I guess. The girl I'm seeing just quit smoking like a month ago and I thought when she quit that it would be easy for me to quit too, but that wasn't the case..
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I used to be a major pothead and for awhile I was a terrible alcoholic, but I was only drinking so much to escape the situation I was in living with a crazy girlfriend. I never started using opiates to escape any problems. I just started using them because I liked the way they made me feel. Now I'm searching for other things to make me feel good. Good music, good food, good people, etc. My goal is to be off the needle and be weening down on my bupe use by the end of 2017. That's really all I have for now... Hopefully I'll have some progress to report in the near future
 
That is an awesome way to look at it! Become your own hero :)

A few suggestion:

An antidepressant can be really helpful in maintain ones health, particularly in early recovery from opioid use disorder. Likewise, working with a psychiatrist (who do you get your buprenorphine from btw, a private psych or a clinic? It's worth getting your own individual psych outside a clinic setting), as they can help give you added support and perspective.

A non-naroctic sleep aid can also be so incredibly useful, particularly with buprenorphine. IME on it it seemed to exacerbate my already existent insomnia. Have you ever taken anything like trazadone?

Have you ever experimented with mindfulness or stress reduction techniques? If you're currently in school many colleges and universities now have free mindfulness and wellness programs for students. If your school doesn't offer these, or they are infrequent, or even if they have them regularly, I highly recommend looking into a mindfulness based stress reduction program. There is a lot of this type of material in our MBHR sticky (see the link below), but an actual MBSR program is incredibly helpful and supportive when it comes to learning more effective ways of managing stress. They can be expensive, running from $400 to $1500 for a full 8 week course, but it is definitely money well spent.

Injecting medications, particularly buprenorphine, is problematic for a whole host of reasons. How optomisic do you feel about working on transitioning to non-injection use? Rectal use may be helpful, although I'd suggest just going straight to sublingual use. Using Listerine or another ethanol based solution to raise the BA of buprenorphine is really helpful with this. Just swish your mouth for a minute with something like Listerine and then pop the buprenorphine right under your tongue. The strips will absorb almost instantly, like butter on a hot fry pan.

In you are taking buprenorphine in pill form you can insulfate it to increase the BA as well, though this is NOT a long term solution. Just to help you transition away from injecting them and making your lessened supply go further until you get more. If you're using the strips, just go the Listerine route.

You can also use cimetidine to potentiate buprenorphine. It turns it into something more of an agonist than an antagonist. The issue with this is that if it become a daily long term habit, it can lead to some uncomfortable side effects (like an increase in your bust size). However, if you only used it occasionally it can do a lot to help reduce cravings and would make transitioning away from injection use easier. That said, it can become its own habit given how much more pleasurable it makes buprenorphine, which can lead to high dose regular use, which can lead to side effects.

If you continue to struggle with cravings on buprenorphine or find you can't stop using it without injecting, I'd highly recommend switching to something like methadone or adding another medication to help reduce cravings. When I was on buprenorphine for a year and a half I ended up potentiating it far too regularly with cimetidine and it didn't turn out too great. I found methadone far superior to buprenorphine, and when used properly it isn't any more difficult to get off than buprenorphine. You sound like you said are struggling with cravings and using your meds as prescribed, and that is much less problematic or even possible (methadone clinics are highly regulated, and it sounds like you'd benefit from the added structure) with methadone. That said, the methadone conversation is something we can have when/if you choose.

Other than drug use, what do you most enjoy? Historically as well as now? How are you've doing in school, and what are you studying? I'd love to hear more about what you feel your strengths are, as that can help us give you better suggestions :)

Thanks for being a part of SL! We are glad to have you <3
 
Glad you started the journal, man. You're doing really, really well!
 
Yeah Twang.... Doing great Mayne. You seem to be really level headed for a 25yr old. I really like your simple natural approach to nutrition, exercise and appreciating doing the little things like cooking your food. You always have something good to say. I am rooting for you to overcome that IV habit and the cigarettes. I was able to quit cigarettes a couple of months ago, though I switched to vaping I have been barely doing that and I just ran out of juice, so I will be quitting that tomorrow.

Look forward to reading more. BTW.. Love the thread name.. lol
 
toothpastedog said:
That is an awesome way to look at it! Become your own hero :)

A few suggestion:

An antidepressant can be really helpful in maintain ones health, particularly in early recovery from opioid use disorder. Likewise, working with a psychiatrist (who do you get your buprenorphine from btw, a private psych or a clinic? It's worth getting your own individual psych outside a clinic setting), as they can help give you added support and perspective.

A non-naroctic sleep aid can also be so incredibly useful, particularly with buprenorphine. IME on it it seemed to exacerbate my already existent insomnia. Have you ever taken anything like trazadone?

Have you ever experimented with mindfulness or stress reduction techniques? If you're currently in school many colleges and universities now have free mindfulness and wellness programs for students. If your school doesn't offer these, or they are infrequent, or even if they have them regularly, I highly recommend looking into a mindfulness based stress reduction program. There is a lot of this type of material in our MBHR sticky (see the link below), but an actual MBSR program is incredibly helpful and supportive when it comes to learning more effective ways of managing stress. They can be expensive, running from $400 to $1500 for a full 8 week course, but it is definitely money well spent.

Injecting medications, particularly buprenorphine, is problematic for a whole host of reasons. How optomisic do you feel about working on transitioning to non-injection use? Rectal use may be helpful, although I'd suggest just going straight to sublingual use. Using Listerine or another ethanol based solution to raise the BA of buprenorphine is really helpful with this. Just swish your mouth for a minute with something like Listerine and then pop the buprenorphine right under your tongue. The strips will absorb almost instantly, like butter on a hot fry pan.

In you are taking buprenorphine in pill form you can insulfate it to increase the BA as well, though this is NOT a long term solution. Just to help you transition away from injecting them and making your lessened supply go further until you get more. If you're using the strips, just go the Listerine route.

You can also use cimetidine to potentiate buprenorphine. It turns it into something more of an agonist than an antagonist. The issue with this is that if it become a daily long term habit, it can lead to some uncomfortable side effects (like an increase in your bust size). However, if you only used it occasionally it can do a lot to help reduce cravings and would make transitioning away from injection use easier. That said, it can become its own habit given how much more pleasurable it makes buprenorphine, which can lead to high dose regular use, which can lead to side effects.

If you continue to struggle with cravings on buprenorphine or find you can't stop using it without injecting, I'd highly recommend switching to something like methadone or adding another medication to help reduce cravings. When I was on buprenorphine for a year and a half I ended up potentiating it far too regularly with cimetidine and it didn't turn out too great. I found methadone far superior to buprenorphine, and when used properly it isn't any more difficult to get off than buprenorphine. You sound like you said are struggling with cravings and using your meds as prescribed, and that is much less problematic or even possible (methadone clinics are highly regulated, and it sounds like you'd benefit from the added structure) with methadone. That said, the methadone conversation is something we can have when/if you choose.

Other than drug use, what do you most enjoy? Historically as well as now? How are you've doing in school, and what are you studying? I'd love to hear more about what you feel your strengths are, as that can help us give you better suggestions :)

Thanks for being a part of SL! We are glad to have you <3
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Anti depressants like SSRIs scare me, and I personally think they're over prescribed. Depression isn't a big issue of mine, never really struggled with it. I've never been diagnosed with depression nor thought I needed to get treatment for depression. The only thing that kind of gets me down right now is how I lost touch with good friends over the past years because I was living in isolation, and my financial situation. There's clear steps to take for dealing with those problems, introducing more pills into my life isn't the way I want to go about it. I'm not seeing a professional, doing this all on my own. I get my subs from a couple friends who are able to spare some of their monthly supply.

As far as sleep aids, I used to get a prescription for ambien from my addiction specialist, but I rarely used it. I've done stupid shit like leaving the stove/oven on all night when I've used it. My problem right now is staying asleep, not getting to sleep. I saw an addiction specialist from the time I was 18 until I was 22, but I used heroin the whole time I was seeing him (besides the 4-5 month stint I actually got on bupe when I was 21) and just sold my suboxone. When I told him about my sleep problems, trazodone was the first thing he prescribed me and it didn't work for me. I actually still have a bottle of 20-30 of them. When he finally prescribed me clonidine, that was the best thing he ever gave me. It worked really well for me as a sleep aid. I got the best sleep I've ever gotten in my life when I was taking clonidine. I think I'm going to go see my regular doctor and see if he will prescribe me that again. Really though, I should go get back to an addiction specialist and get my own prescription for bupe so I'm not relying on other people to stay well every month.

I'm attending a community college right now for Graphic Design. I'm poor, like really poor, I have a year left to complete their graphic design program and after I do I'm not even sure how I'm going to transfer to a 4-year program to get my degree because loans scare me to death. I'm doing well in the program, in the spring semester when I quit using heroin and started missing school I dropped my super early morning class, got a C in Printmaking, and still got an A in Drawing. Aside from that though, pretty much all As with a few Bs in there in all my previous classes.

I'm optimistic about switching to sublingual use with my bupe. I've done it once before and for some reason it was easy that time I did it. So once I finally do it, I know it will become easy, I just get off my ass and DO IT. I don't struggle with cravings on bupe, besides the craving to inject something. I'm not going to snort it or use it rectally. I'd prefer to just do sublingual use.

I don't need anything to potentiate it either, I get enough every month to get through every day comfortably. And I don't want the bupe to be pleasurable, once I do start using it sublingually I plan to start the weening process right away. Assuming I'm prescribed clonidine by that time. I've done methadone before, recreationally, because it always provided that "warm" feeling that opiates give. I don't want that in my life.

Other than drugs, I enjoy quite a few things. From the time I was 8 until I was 16 I played roller hockey (No ice rinks were around here back then). Was on a team for years that traveled around the midwest going to tournaments. I still love watching hockey and every once in awhile I'll go up to the outdoor rink near my house and put on my skates around and fuck around with a stick/puck. I'd like to start hitting up some pick up games but I need to get in better shape first. Football season just started. Fucking love American Football. I like listening to and finding new music. I'll do that in spurts and spend hours looking for new music to put on my phone. I love cooking. Making a meal that is super healthy as well and super tasty is really gratifying for me. About a month after I quit heroin I started seeing a girl that I really like, and this is after almost 4 years of being single, voluntarily, because for a lot of that time I considered myself asexual because my ex-girlfriend was so terrible it made me want nothing to do with women. So I'm excited and optimistic about this new girl. She's been a huge asset to my sobriety, not necessarily on a mental level, but physically so I've really been enjoying spending time with her.

My strengths...being happy. I don't let much get me down. My goal in life is happiness so I'm really easy-going and don't let stupid problems become a problem at all. There's a solution to everything so when most people would get upset over some stupid shit, I'm able to stop and think "okay, that happened, what's a solution to alleviate this problem and what's the first step in doing that?" and I can go about getting over a problem without ever blowing a gasket. Because it's almost never worth getting upset over. I'd much rather remain happy and I'm fairly good at it.
Another strength, my desire to stay clean. I REALLY want to never use dope again. I'm really motivated to get my life back in order, and I'm confident if someone handed me a bag of heroin right now I would take it and flush it down the toilet.
 
I'm just curious...are you getting your subs from friends for financial reasons or because you don't want to be tied to a clinic/doc? I ask just because some of the structure associated with a well-run suboxone program (alas many are *not* well-run) can be pretty helpful.
 
I started getting them from friends because I initially planned on getting on them and doing a quick taper. Since that's not happening I really should just go and see my old sub doctor
 
How are things going twang? Did you talk you your doctor yet?

I personally am afraid of SSRIs and antidepressants too. I was given an antipsychotic while in jail and as soon as I got out I quit taking them and have been fine. My alcohol and drug counselor suggested seeing a doctor about possibly getting on an SSRI or antidepressant but I really wasn't open to the idea. I told him that I really just want to be completely sober and drug free, prescription or not. I want to feel the highs and lows, even if I don't feel good I want to feel like myself. He noticed that some days my mood was real low, usually not for any particular reason either. There usually isn't something that triggers it, for me it sort of just happens. Sometimes something will cause it, but not always. Do you find that there are triggers that cause you to feel low or do you feel like you sort of cycle through moods of feeling good then bad?
 
Mafioso said:
How are things going twang? Did you talk you your doctor yet?

I personally am afraid of SSRIs and antidepressants too. I was given an antipsychotic while in jail and as soon as I got out I quit taking them and have been fine. My alcohol and drug counselor suggested seeing a doctor about possibly getting on an SSRI or antidepressant but I really wasn't open to the idea. I told him that I really just want to be completely sober and drug free, prescription or not. I want to feel the highs and lows, even if I don't feel good I want to feel like myself. He noticed that some days my mood was real low, usually not for any particular reason either. There usually isn't something that triggers it, for me it sort of just happens. Sometimes something will cause it, but not always. Do you find that there are triggers that cause you to feel low or do you feel like you sort of cycle through moods of feeling good then bad?
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Like I said, depression has never really been an issue of mine. I rarely ever feel depressed about anything. Especially right now. I was much more depressed on dope because I knew I needed to get off it and that it was ruining my life, now that I'm off it I really don't have anything to be depressed about. The only thing that triggers any depression is the fact that I'm living with my parents because I can't afford not to right now. Those days when I'm super annoyed by the parents/sister I live with are just a temporary problem because I know I'm not going to live with them forever and it's not s problem that's going to be solved with a pill, it's going to be solved by making enough money to get back out on my own again. That's how I feel about anything that will depress me, there's an obvious solution to the problem and taking pills isn't the solution, at least in my eyes. It's doing something about the problem and making the change necessary to combat that problem. I don't ever get depressed for no reason. I'm of a pretty sound mind and I think taking some pill altering my brain chemistry itself would actually be a cause of depression.
I think I'll go ahead and call my old suboxone doctor this week. I've actually managed to accumulate a good amount of suboxone strips and subutex this month through various dealers and have a bigger stockpile right now than I've had since I initially got clean, but I know it won't be like that every month and with the amount of sub I'm taking it will def be cheaper to just go see my old doctor and get a script. My doctor isn't covered by insurance but the prescription is. But right now I'm spending <snip> a month on black market subs, if I were to go back to my doctor it would only be <snip> a month and after I see him a few times my visits will only be once every two months which would take the cost down to <snip> a month, and those costs include the price of my prescriptions. It'll be a huge money saver I just need to do it. I think I'll make that call tomorrow. Honestly I've just been nervous to call him and tell him I relapsed because when I stopped seeing him 2-3 years ago he was under the impression I was sober and doing great.
 
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Sorry mods for the prices I mentioned above. Didn't think it mattered since I wasn't saying what kind of quantity I was getting for the price I was paying. Won't happen again.

I called my old doctor today. He said he didn't have his schedule with him but to text him and he would get back to me later. He mentioned since I've relapsed and would be coming BACK to see him for a second time he would require I go to NA meetings which I REALLY don't want to do...When I see him in person I'm going to request I go to AA meetings because they don't bug me as much as NA meetings do. I've found there to be a lot more sobriety between the members of AA meetings and therefore less sob stories. The AA meetings seemed to always be more focused on how well everyone was doing as opposed to the NA meetings where everyone was either still using or had just very recently quit and their life was still in shambles with very few people clean for an extended period of time with their life back on track.
But we'll see. At least I made the call and I'm back on track to start seeing him instead of buying all my shit on the street and worrying about running out

EDIT: Got my appointment to see my old sub doctor this thursday
 
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It's interesting, some folks really bristle at NA while others can't stand AA (and of course every other permutation, but those poles stand out).

I'm sure you know this, but different groups tend to attract very different populations. When I was going to NA a lot, some meetings in my town were largely newcomers while others attracted people with lots of time. It was always important for me to choose my meetings carefully.
 
I'll have to talk to him during my appt on Thursday and see about the meetings. He said over the phone I'll need to attend 2-3 meetings a week in order for him to accept me as a patient again. Hopefully the fact that I've been clean since April will bring that down to 2 meetings maximum. I'm also hoping he will have some meetings he can recommend So I'm not surrounded my people im early recovery, because that's really not what I need right now. Hopefully he will also accept AA meetings instead of NA because that's where I've had the most luck before as far as members with more clean time. Hearing about people's struggle with heroin just brings me down and doesn't benefit me, imo.

I'm just happy at the prospect of getting clonidine again because that makes it tremendously easier for me to use less bupe. Overall though knowing that I'm going to be seeing him again has made it a fantastic day. On top of that, Back when I was using heroin I was able to afford my habit without stealing/cheating/lying by selling Molly because I had a prime connection that fronted me weight at a stupid cheap price and I had a good market for it at the time. Today I was digging through my cluttered dresser drawers and I happened to find a substantial amount of MD that I thought I had lost like 6-7 months ago. I've been stressing about my finances more than anything since getting clean, and along with setting an appt with my old addiction specialist, finding that MD has made this day one of the best days I've had in a long, long, looong time and I'm more hopeful for the future than I've ever been since initially getting clean. I have such high hopes for where I'm going to be in life after the next couple months. Thinking about the good things I can do for my lady, the exceptional food I'm going to be able to put in my body, the money saved by not getting bupe on the black market...i can't believe how well this day has turned out. I've been really sick the past few days with sinus/chest congestion and sore throat, and in spite of that this has been the best day I've had all year including the day I initially hooked up with my current lady. Hard work and dedication are paying off.
 
So I saw my doctor today, I wasn't completely honest with him because when I last saw him he thought I was getting off suboxone for good when really I was using heroin. So I told him I relapsed a year ago and then started taking suboxone again in April (that part is true) from buying it on the street. I told him I've been taking 8-16mg a day so he prescribed me 12mg/day. He also prescribed me clonidine again. he used to give me 45 of the .1mg clonidine a month, this time he gave me 30 of the .2mg....hopefully they work as good as they used to. Just took my first one. I have it in my head that they were miraculous in a very subtle way, providing me the ability to sleep better than any sleep aid I've tried. REally hope that still holds true because I wake up every night 3-4 times and have to smoke a cigarette and eat some food.

Anyways, until very recently I had it in my head that I was going to start tapering my bupe use "tomorrow" or "next week" but my use only stayed the same or increased. It took me actually going to see him to realize this is going to be a longer road to recovery than I anticipated. My initial plan when I got off heroin in April was to cold turkey and get opiate free right away so I could give my brain a fresh start and let it start getting back to it's normal, non-medicated state. Gonna have to wait awhile longer for that, but that's okay...

My doctor is requiring I attend at least 1 NA/AA meeting a week. I told him I preferred AA because in my experience there was always more sobriety/clean time among the group in the AA meetings compared to NA and I want to be surrounded by clean people. He had a list of NA meetings only and recommended a couple of them to me but said I was free to attend AA meetings instead if I wanted to. Probably gonna check out the ones he recommended

Side note, I think the clonidine is working, I've passed out while writing this post. Woke up to like 500 "a"s after the 2nd paragraph. And I'm close to passing out again.
 
Sounds like a good plan.

I'll be curious to hear how AA/NA strikes you this time. I've found that if I leave for a while, it often 'feels' different when I come back.
 
Hey Twang (your username makes me laugh every time I see it)

I've read all your posts in sober living. I want to thank you because I found them comforting.

I only wish I was mentally where you are in sobriety. Im still going through cravings. I also share the needle love aspect. I have no rigs w me. I had to take a flight a couple weeks ago. The last time I used was at Phila International Airport in the bathroom before my flight. Obviously I didn't take anything through airport security.

I just wanted to say hi and your heads in a great place.
 
Well thank you 10years, I'm sure the bupe has something to do with the complete lack of cravings. I'd like to think though that even if I were off bupe, my cravings would be very minimal. I'm very driven by money and at my age I should have some by now...but I don't. The part about my addiction I think bugs me most is all the money I spent on heroin that I could have saved and the extreme risks I took by selling drugs that could have landed me many years in prison for nothing but a temporary high. I did the math awhile back when I first got off H in April... Ive broken the rules a few times already in my short time here on posting prices and I'm not sure where the rules land on that, so to err on the side of caution let's just say I would be rich...and that fucking kills me because here I am in my parents basement and don't even have enough money to open a bank account.
I think that thought alone would be enough to keep me off heroin even without the bupe. I just can't afford the physical problems that come with getting off opiates right now with a job I love and school to get through.
 
The money aspect goes up my ass too. I torture myself doing the math. I blew through 150k in a year--abour 3yrs ago. I still have bad days sometimes thinking about it. If only.... I get it.

The only thing we can do is go from right where we are You will be ok.Your head is in the right place. The rest is gonna follow.
 
Anyone still using opiates or on ORT, I highly recommend taking Triphala. I've been using it for about 5 days now and it's helped a lot with opiate induced constipation. The brand I'm using is Banyan Botanicals, never heard of them before, never used triphala before, so I can't speak as to how it compares to other brands but im a fan and would urge anyone still dealing with opiate induced constipation to give it a try. It has plenty of other benefits too, but digestive regularity is the one I've noticed most.
I wouldn't compare it to a laxative either, it just helps cleanse/detoxify the digestive tract and improves digestion which results in easier bm's and also better absorption of nutrients
 
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When I detoxed the 2nd time and was locked up for 6.5 months- it took that entire time for my body to cleanse itself (sorry about TMI)

For tbe first time in my life my evacuation is healthy. That's been another first during sobriety.

I took senna when on ORT (was on methadone for a long time) and also took it while on prescribed pain meds.

Sorry for strange post. I'm unexpectedly feeling amazing Lyrica. Phew. I needed this. I've been really struggling.

Twang it's very wise of you to be proactive w your health. I better stop now. Be well. You're doing great.
 
Not TMI, it's an uncomfortable subject but one that needs to be addressed with opiate users.
I don't even want to imagine how much toxicity I've accumulated in my gut over 10 years of opiate abuse since I've never given myself a chance to get off opiates for more than a week, and when I did that I was taking Imodium. Taking something like senna with opiates always seemed to me like it would be a combination that would have disastrous results, combining a strong laxative with something that constipates you for some reason just doesn't sound like it would be good for you. I have no scientific reason for thinking this, it just sounds bad to me.
Triphala is just a mild laxative and doesn't work like senna, which irritates the bowel for its laxative effect, Whereas triphala, unlike most laxatives, doesn't induce dependence nor does it take away nutrients from the body but rather the opposite, basically just makes the body work likes it's supposed to, but better. I've also been eating high fiber cereals and the effects have been great.
 
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