Recovery Back On the Sober Wagon...

[somnilicious]

Hey man, of course you have people that care. I'm pretty lucky that I'm still at my friend's and I can't drink. I'm going to have to go home sometime though. Also I'm glad I have the full range of comfort meds I would have gotten in detox now (clonidine, propranolol and Ativan in worst case scenario). We went to an AA meeting last night though and they are just fucking depressing. I leave AA meetings feeling worse than when I walked in. I'm reminded why I started going to NA over AA. Anyway I PM'd you my psychiatrist from detox who has a private practice in Winter Garden. I really encourage you to call him. He can really help you.

Thanks aihfl... I have to get a job first and then find insurance. My friend is supposed to call me this evening about work. I have so many health concerns. I desperately want to go to the endocrinologist because I absolutely know I have low-T. Also I need to go get another hep-c test so I can get harvoni before Trump and the republicans destroy my chances of ever doing that and of course then there is the psych. I really need to go to a meeting but I have a hard time dragging myself out on my own to go by myself. I usually leave all the meetings disappointed. What I want more than anything is to find somebody to invite me out afterwards because that little allotted hour and the content usually does nothing for my problems. I am usually left feeling a bit like the lines from The Smiths "How Soon Is Now".

I am the son
And the heir
Of a shyness that is criminally vulgar
I am the son and heir
Of nothing in particular
You shut your mouth
How can you say
I go about things the wrong way?
I am human and I need to be loved
Just like everybody else does
There's a club if you'd like to go
You could meet somebody who really loves you
So you go and you stand on your own
And you leave on your own
And you go home and you cry
And you want to die

I hate to say it but I am probably going to take the Testosterone thing into my own hands. I lift and I actually did half a cycle of test when I did my first round of recovery and even though I ran into money problems before I could see any real results in the muscle development department I was absolutely blown away by how it made me feel. I had energy, my depression cleared up and the nagging emptiness that always haunts me like a ghoulish specter disappeared. I was more confident than I had ever been in my life. If it does that to me again than it would be my DOC. It was everything I ever wanted in a drug.

On a brighter note. I just went to put on a pair of my jeans and had a hard time buttoning them so I weighed myself and was surprised to see that I weighed 172lbs, which is more than I have weighed since me early 20's and 10lbs heavier than the height of my working out this last time in recovery, when a female friend commented on how ripped I was one day at the beach. Saying I looked like someone out of a Men's health magazine.

This really is one of the most difficult self image problems I have about myself. I weighed 130lbs when I went to detox for my first round of recovery and I am 6'1 so I truly was on the verge of death from malnourishment. A lot of my body dsymorphia stems from experiences I had in highschool and because my aunt and older sister used to call me anorexic poster child and would call me Jack skeleton and try to make me sing and do a little dance from the movie Nightmare before Christmas all the time. I have since realized that this was probably a reflection of their own insecurities on the other end of the weight spectrum.

 

[Jabberwocky]

I have flirted with the idea of starting one of these recovery journals for yrs. but because I am a chronic relapser I didn't want to be one of those people who started a thread only to disappear over and over again with no success...

Oh, that is so me 8(

I've started several threads, then felt like a failure and deleted them a day or two later! (the moderators and administrators must love me)

Why, oh why, do we punish ourselves like this?

I've realized that this is part of my addiction pattern: Start to feel human again, share my feelings, then get completely embarrassed and regret everything I said!

I'll probably delete this tomorrow...

 

[Stargazer]

Hey there Somni . Don't be insane-people care about you. Eh hem. You are doing fine. We all have insecurities. Many of which only we can see. Feeling insecure isn't pleasant. These are things that need to be actively worked on-through a good psychiatrist/therapist, working on the things we can actually improve-be it weight gain, weight loss, etc.

Making a realistic plan of action and executing it will go far in helping us gain self-confidence. Boredom is our enemy too. I'm going through all the same shit Somni-I just haven't had the courage you have to publicly journal it.

 

[somnilicious]

10years and Dreamflyer...... I sent my lady friend a message and she responded back asking me to call her and the conversation was heavenly... It was intense, as we were cracking each other up for hrs. She shared some highly personal stuff and it was very intimate. I actually felt the need to end the convo because it had been going nonstop for 2.5hrs and I wanted to leave a little bit for later and I never do that. I'm usually not the one to end it. She wants me to come to Daytona in a couple of weeks to a month when she has her son so we can all go out to fish and spend the day about town.

I however feel like an idiot because I lied about my job situation. It happened so fast and it was out before I even realized what I was doing. I feel like such an ass...lol... I am now highly energized to start pushing my situation so I spent the day following job leads, working out and networking. I am highly pleased with this new found drive and resolve but I am also worried that I am setting myself up again to make her my higher power..lol... Try as I might I don't seem to be able to be very self driven. I tell myself over and over to slow down and concentrate on myself and I honestly don't know why I am so enamored with this girl. I have been pursuing her for almost a yr. now, while stiff arming other girls like a tailback running for a touchdown. I have had so many other girls that other guys find more attractive pursue me and I have straight turned them away and she knows this. I only have eyes for her and I can't seem to help it.

She is absolutely my best friend and I have never been so head over heals for a girl and I have been in 2 relationships that lasted almost 5yrs a piece. I really need to be taking the time to work on myself and the distance will insure that I do to some extent but I can't completely base my sobriety on this girl. Can I both casually pursue her and stay clean for myself? My mind says yes but what if I get too emotionally torn up again. Have I learned my lesson and will I be able to reasonably approach this situation or am I dooming myself. I just can't let her completely go because I know I would probably be kicking myself later on in life. To me she is once in a lifetime love to be fought for.

I am not good at this God's will stuff, especially in a relationship where the situation involves so much free will on the part of both parties involved. It is frustrating because there is so much attraction, hesitation and confusion on her part. She doesn't seem to be able to properly gauge where she is at and I know if I was in a better place that her view would change. I am almost 100% sure of that. This life thing is so difficult. I would literally do anything for this woman. I would move the earth and sky to make her life better.

I need to start working a program because I probably would not have lied about the job if I was. Who knows maybe I would have. Well now I have to go make it not a lie. This is so crazy. I am way more strung out on this girl than I am on drugs...lol.. Some of my old program friends even tried to stage an intervention once as they were a little worried about me. What do I do? Damn... Doesn't matter because I'm not gonna follow any advice probably anyways. Still open to suggestions..... Please slap some sense into me.... or not... cosign my bullshit...lol.. What's going on people.

I know I absolutely have to work on myself. I can't put any craziness on her. I have to put myself in the situation to be the man she deserves but can I do that, while casually talking to dating her. I have already decided Facebook is a no-no. I already know from the past that it is not a healthy thing for me. I feel that being so far away will allow me to live my life over here, while seeing her every now and then without having to deal with having to hear anything about what she is doing in the small little recovery world over in Daytona, which is what really drove me crazy before. Can I separate the two, while working on myself over here. She is a lot better than me at setting boundaries because she has more experience in this matter but I am learning fast. Do you guys have experience with this?

Opinions? I know this is all over the place and poorly written but I just have so much on my mind...

I almost feel like I should almost be moving this over to Sex Love and Relationships..

 

[somnilicious]

Haha... I already feel like an idiot.... Jesus.. I definitely sound manic as hell in that post. Took some time calmed the F#*k down and sought some perspective. I'm just going to sit back and relax on this one. Love the girl but actually really starting to question some of her actions. I have to remember where my values lie. Rejection doesn't mean I'm the party that something is wrong with and their is no need for me to run for approval at a beckon call......Lol... I'm definitely an addict. Give me anything that can change the way I feel about myself and I'll prostate myself before the alter.

Well the good thing is that I'm not drinking or drugging and haven't for a bit.... Now I just need my mind to slow down a bit. My worth doesn't depend on the whims of another. Even wrote this nifty little reminder.

When ones true value rests in God then they can no longer be sculpted for they then become the sculptor.

If one allows themselves to be molded by the opinions of others then they will never find inner peace and their world will be fraught with turmoil and anxiety as their identity continuously changes to impress upon the group.

They then become a shapeless, shifting form and know not what they truly want because they don't even know themselves.

 

[Jabberwocky]

Hey Somni :D

How's it going?

My emotions have always been all over the place, and my drug use/withdrawal have made it a hundred times worse. In 40+ years and countless therapists I have been diagnosed with depression, anxiety, mania, bipolar I, bipolar II, OCD, ADHD, PTSD and probably a few others that I've forgotten!

I have always wondered if I have a touch of autism as well, because as a child I was so socially awkward that all the neighborhood kids called me "retard" (I hate that word so much that I can barely type it!), but I was actually two grades ahead of them and diagnosed with an IQ of 152, which is apparently pretty high. I was also extremely small (only 72 lbs. at the age of 13) and spoke with a bad stutter.

In any case, I've learned to not worry so much about labels and just try to do the best I can with whatever God gave me.

By my mid to late teens I really came out of my shell and worked hard on my image. By my early 20's I was known as the weightlifting, guitar-playing, party dude with the nice car and hot girlfriend, but inside I was still extremely insecure and self-conscious.

At 5'9" I weighed 170 lbs. and was ripped beyond belief, but I still thought I looked absolutely terrible! That's one of the main things that lead to my drinking ("liquid courage") and subsequent drug abuse. It was the only time that I ever felt comfortable in my own skin.

Anyway, back to the mood swings for a minute...

I find that when I'm switching between depression/mania/etc., not only does my mood change but my entire outlook on everything changes! It's very unnerving, because I feel like I can never fully trust my own instincts. (hence my posting/deleting/re-posting/re-deleting syndrome!)

Then I throw a bunch of drugs and alcohol into the mix, and I really can't trust my instincts.

It seems like you've going through a bit of that yourself lately, so please be very careful when it comes to matters of the heart. I'm sure that you're sick to death of hearing this, but you really need to take care of "you" right now.

I cannot even begin to imagine trying to get sober, find a job and start a relationship all at the same time. No friggin' way, dude! That's just me though. Some people thrive under pressure; I fall apart under it.

Anyway, I'm really not in any position whatsoever to give advice, only support. I've been unemployed 2 years, single for 12 years, using for 12 years and drinking for 20 years! (God, I'm depressed now...)

Hope you have a great day!!!
Dreamflyer

 

[aihfl]

Somni, I have to agree with Dreamflyer. It's not my place to tell you not to get romantically involved with someone but please just be cautious. We all know what an emotional roller coaster early sobriety is. I think I mentioned earlier in this thread that my ex wife did not put out for close to the last two years we lived together. I never cheated on her (I'm pretty sure she did though), but once I moved out, I kind of went apeshit with sex. I'm glad I have it out of my system because right now I don't even have that much to offer myself, let alone another partner. I really have to do some serious work on myself before I'm ready to be in a relationship again. And the way I currently feel, if I'm never ready again, that's ok too. Because while I miss the idea of sex, I don't miss what I had to go through to get it.

 

[somnilicious]

I couldn't agree more. Thanks for the replies guys. I am going to continue to just be there as a friend for her and who knows where the future goes. Maybe I will become the man she needs or maybe she is meant to be a cherished friend, who knows... All I know is that I am not the former at this moment and I love myself and her enough to know that "now" would do more harm than good. It hurts to know that this might be a case of right person... wrong time.

I am still able to love and appreciate her in the moment as a friend.

 

[simco]

...
I am still able to love and appreciate her in the moment as a friend.

This is such a great sentence. It really crystallizes the progress you're making in your recovery...maintaining a complex personal relationship, showing great patience, embracing ambiguity...these are really hard things to do. But here you are, doing them brilliantly. I'm super impressed, somni!

 

[somnilicious]

^^ Thanks Simco... Prayer, meditation, revelation and acceptance. Sometimes it takes the heart a moment to align with what the mind knows.

I just noticed a typo in my post and I find that I do this all the time in PAWS.. late withdrawal... I seem to always have a problem with homonyms e.g. no, Know, there, their, plane, plain, here, hear etc... lol... I don't know why I find this amusing but it is a malfunction in my brain that happens every time.

 

[somnilicious]

Hey err'body.. Went to 2 AA meetings. The groups are awesome. Already went out to Uno's with everybody, got invited to game night on Friday, found a workout partner and I have a sponsor that I know I have met before and he says the same thing but anyways.. I will be starting the steps with him tomorrow.

....and I am almost positive that I got a job... so glad I went back to meetings. I don't know why I waited so long.. Well I do know. The car... but glad I found some good groups and met some awesome of people.

 

[aihfl]

Somni, let me know which meetings you go to and I will join you when I can. The atheist/agnostic meeting I go to is a cool bunch of people. They meet at First Alliance Church on Lake Underhill Rd. Fridays and Sundays at 7pm. Dinner after on Fridays.

 

[somnilicious]

I went to the 3 legacies group in Winter Garden... I am supposed to go to an Na meeting today with my sponsor but I don't know the name of it...

 

[aihfl]

Somni, there is a Refuge Recovery meeting here in Orlando now if you want to come check it out with me. It's at the Buddhist Temple on Dean Rd. in E. Orlando. If you drive down to me in Rosemont, I can drive us over there. Some people I know from OMAGOD (the agnostic/atheist meeting) go to it.

 

[somnilicious]

I'll get with you aihfl... been real busy getting a job and cultivating my friendships at my new group. We hangout every night. Things couldn't be going better and I am overflowing with optimism... I love life..... Jammin' to Foo Fighters Everlong. Need I say more

 

[aihfl]

That's great man. It's nice to have a relationship with a sponsor. We talk or do something together every day. Also excited to be starting my IOP tonight. Glad things are going well for you and are feeling positive about life!

 

[Jabberwocky]

What is it like working with your sponsors? As in, how do you spend your time with them, what kind of direction (or lack there of) do they give you, what is their personal style in their own recovery that attracts you to them, all those kind of specifics.

I've worked with a number of sponsors over the years, particularly when I was really early in recovery, and the relationship was always rather hollow and lacking. I have yet to met a sponsor who understands anything about harm reduction, which is really a shame given the importance of abstinence itself within that paradigm.

I'd be curious to hear how you guys benefit from working with a sponsor, and what draws you to them. It seems like some personality types work better with sponsors under the AA/NA/etc paradigm. Whereas others (such as myself) work better with other kinds of spiritual teachers and mentors more generally. But I don't feel like I've ever really connected with a sponsor, so I can only comment to a degree.

 

[aihfl]

TPD it took a long time for me to find someone I was comfortable enough to sponsor me. It probably makes me sound like a snob to say this but I settled on this person because I consider him an intellectual equal who's had a high flying business career. He's not going to ask me to blindly ask God to solve my problems for me. And he is a genuinely good person allowing me to detox at his home (he tapered me off the old fashioned way). As far as how we spend our time together most of the time it's just talking and really communicating and not just talking at me.

 

[Jabberwocky]

Not at all, that sounds like you went about things intelligently. Sounds a lot more like the old school NA/AA relationships that have really helped people accomplish their goals without being judgemental or stobbish about it themselves. That kind of thing, regardless of in or out if recovery communities, is hard to find.

I’m still curious to learn more though. I’m a rather curious bastard generally speaking

 

[somnilicious]

Hey ToothPastedog....I've done the whole sitting back and waiting to choose the right sponsor by listening to what they say thing a million times and it always turned out bad either they were completely full of shit or their personality just didn't really mesh with mine. The guy who would become my sponsor was the only one there when I arrived and we struck up a conversation. He simply started asking me a little bit about myself. He listened and I didn't get the feeling that he was judging me or just waiting to shove the standard AA lines down my throat. I was immediately impressed by his cool, calm and collected down to earth demeanor and I felt very at ease talking to him. He was very unassuming and not patronizing at all like my experience with a lot of people in the rooms. He just seemed like a regular fucking dude.

He spoke at the meeting and I honestly can't even recall exactly what he said but he had an easy going air of humble confidence that really spoke to me as I can get a little high strung, hyper and grandiose sometimes. When they asked people to raise their hand to show if they are available for sponsorship I found myself looking over to see if he had his hand raised without even knowing why as I hadn't come with the intention of getting a sponsor and really hadn't given it much forethought. It suddenly occurred to me that he was going to be my sponsor and so I simply went with my intuition.

When I got to know him I was absolutely surprised to hear all of the challenges and issues he had going on in his life and throughout his recovery because by his outside appearance you would never know that he had that many struggles and issues going on. His path in recovery had not been an easy one and that really resonated with me because I have brought a lot of the same issues into my journey to recovery and had been struggling immensely for years. I was a lot more impressed when I found out he had gone through everything that he had but still had managed to stay clean for 11yrs.

I have had a lot of other sponsors and I never really thought any of them really understood how deep my issues were because I could never find one that was truly on my level. Most were junkies for a very short time and generally had gotten clean at the point that I was at in my mid 20's with addiction and just simply did not have my psychological baggage or life acclimation problems so they always down played and dismissed the importance of my issues, while also being very condescending.

So far I am extremely pleased with my sponsor. When we met up it was simple and down to the business of working the steps without any pretensions but when I talk to him on the phone it simply feels like I am having a conversation with a friend. He provides practical life advice without all the AA clichés and a lot of times we are simply shooting the shit and talking about what is going on in each others lives. With that being said he highly believes in getting involved in everything the program has to offer and working the steps.

I know a lot of people won't believe me when I say this because there are a lot of people on this site who are just as closed minded about spirituality as the AA zealots are about other recovery resources but I truly believe that I was led to that group and him by God. I already know that I am inviting a fair amount of incredulity by making that statement. I had been praying in the days prior for God to put the right people in my life and to guide me where he wanted me to go. I basically got down on my knees and poured my heart out to God.

I woke up Sunday, the next day, in a panic and desperately wanted to use. I looked online for a meeting within a 10 mile radius of my house and found none so I wound up over at my using buddies house 35-40mins from mine. He gave me a 10mg methadone and for some reason this sent me into one of the deepest darkest single moments I have ever felt. Nothing particularly life shattering was going on in my life but that's just it... nothing absolutely nothing was going on in my life and it felt like it had been that way for an eternity. I felt completely empty and hopeless. I cried like a little bitch in front of my friend for the next 2hrs, while praying in my mind for anything.... anything but the lost hallow shell of an existence that had come to define my entire life.... and so it was that I looked up meetings and found one just down the street that started in an hr. As soon as I arrived I suddenly felt a sense of calm and peace. I was home....

Since then everything has changed. My entire outlook and perspective on life has made a complete 180. The world has opened up like an oyster before my eyes and I have not thought about using once. I have to give all the thanks to God and the awesome people who he helped to place in my life, I believe this to be true with all my heart for I prayed again because neither I nor my parents even had enough money for gas to allow me to look for work and go to the meetings. The answer came the next day in the form of a $700 check from FEMA, that I had totally not expected to receive because they had referred my assistance case to a small loans office.

I can't believe the blessings that have come my way in such a short amount of time.. To anybody out there struggling, who is about to give up. Just keep going because you never know the dramatic difference that just a single day can make. Move a muscle and change your mind. Change takes action and sometimes pain is the motivator. It's always darkest just before the dawn but the feeling of the first rays of light appearing over that horizon are that of pure bliss and freedom. My eager eyes behold wide open vistas and I beckon the world with open arms.... I can't wait to see what's next and I pray that everyone out there fighting this dark plague of addiction finds the door to recovery..... Wherever or whatever that door is for them. Though I highly suggest to be open minded because you never know what the key to that door may be.

Somni