Recovery Back On the Sober Wagon...

[Stargazer]

- I read here on BL that you have to taper off if you've taken it for a little bit. I'm not sure of the length of time you'd have to take it in order to need to taper. Maybe the rebound is blood pressure gets out of wack? Not sure. It's just been my experience that the w/d syndrome of a drug is the opposite of what it does that's good. i.e. Rebound anxiety from benzos after stopping, etc. I'm sure you can find info on it Somni.

Just like twang, some people swear by it.

 

[aihfl]

I have been on clonidine for years for blood pressure. My doc prescribes the patches for me because it has a really short half life and it will cause issues with rebound hypertension. When I was in rehab and couldn't have the patch I was having to take it 3x day. It was a godsend for sleep when inpatient detoxing.

 

[twang]

I just assumed it wasn't an issue because I was taking it for over a year and after I stopped seeing my doctor a couple years ago I stopped getting prescriptions for it and had no trouble once I stopped taking it. However, I was still doing dope at the time so maybe that was why I didn't have any issues when I stopped taking it. My prescription for 30 of the .2mg is only $15 without insurance. Obviously seeing a doctor to get the prescription is another story.

 

[simco]

It is recommended that after extended using of clonidine, patients should taper off in order to avoid unpleasant (and possibly hazardous) side effects. However, my understanding is that clonidine is rarely addictive in its own right.

 

[somnilicious]

Not going to lie... I ended up doing about half a bag of heroin, 15mgs of methadone and 1mg of Xanax yesterday. Ended up having a noticeable mood lift but I wouldn't really call it a high. I don't even know if I would call it a mood lift now that I look back on it. I was a bit more content with sitting there doing nothing but I wouldn't say I was happy at all.

It was a pain in the ass getting to my friends house and it was a total let down because my friend was sleeping/nodding out on the couch the whole time. The whole way over there all I could think about is that I would rather be working out or making progress towards a job. Over the last few yrs. I have slowly been getting addicted to getting my shit together. Wound up running into another friend who lives by my friend that I helped do the storm clean up for and I might have a pretty good paying job in the works. I have to get my car straightened out. My parents are going to let me use a minivan they have because mine is running so rough but I have to transfer tags.

I got home and got tired of looking at my skinny arms so I did 100 pushups. Going to go running today either before or after making my dad take me to an NA meeting. I was actually pretty muscular a few months ago but unfortunately I don't eat or sleep at all during withdrawal so my body completely ate my muscles away...lol

That one time use made me realize how much more I would rather be doing other stuff to better my life and unfortunately that is never going to happen with me using any of the above substances at all.

Going to make my dad take me to an NA meeting tonight.

 

[Stargazer]

Somni . And a hug. Its a process for sure.

You did good. Acknowledged it for what it was. And nothing more. I'm glad you're not giving it too much power.

I like what you said about getting addicted to getting your shit together. I'd love to join you in that.

 

[simco]

Well said, 10years...it's a good goal not to let our slips exert much power over us. Just keep on doing what you've been doing, somni!

 

[somnilicious]

Thanks guys... Another great and productive day. I got to drive to Tallahassee today to pick up my sisters car, who is doing travel nursing for emergency Irma victims and it felt great to get out of the house. It is a 3.5-4hr drive one way so the trip basically ate the whole day and I got to bond with my dad and the brother and law that I had the spat over the weed roaches with. I was straight cracking them up the whole way and I was amazed at how smoothly the humor and laughter rolled off the tongue.

I have been through this so many times that I already knew what time it was concerning the day at my friends house. Beating my self up would be self defeating and only perpetuate the cycle. That lapse rolled off like water on a seals back. Live and Learn...

It felt great to be out and living the future really does look bright. Sometimes I get a little impatient but I just have to remember that it is life on life's terms and that there is a lesson to be learned from everything. Everything will happen in its own time.

Love U guys.. Somni

 

[Stargazer]

I'm really glad you had a great day. You deserve it. .

Half of my day was really horrible. I had horrible cravings today. I felt deeply depressed and hopeless.I'm happy there's only 15 more minutes left of today.

My mood improved in the past couple hours fortunately. A good friend -3 actually- called me tonight. I only spoke to one. We ended up laughing our asses off about all of it. I really needed that today. It was just one of those difficult days.

Thanks for listening to me. xoxo.

 

[somnilicious]

What's up 10yrs... Sorry you had a rough first half.. It's always a good thing to know that people are out there rooting for us. Maybe the rough beginning was only to remind you that your not alone. I have a hard time reaching out when I'm feeling rough. I usually don't want to see anybody. Are you back at the house? Power on? When do you actually go back to Philly? I def. feel ya on the missing autumn part. I am all about winter in Florida, which is our autumn..lol... The summer is alright in Florida for the beach but otherwise I could do without it. Hope you have a good day tomorrow.

and P.S I'll listen anytime you wanna drop a line Somni

 

[somnilicious]

I have had an extremely difficult time as of late because I only have slept 3hrs in the last 3 days. My thoughts have begun to race in a very negative cyclical fashion. Most of them are related to the girl who was my best friend in Daytona that I was deeply in love with. She reciprocated and was very flirty but said she didn't want to get involved with anybody romantically what so ever because of the situation she was in, living at a women's halfway house, trying to get her son back and because all her past relapses began when she got involved in a relationship with somebody.

She is a very intelligent, funny, witty, sweet and beautiful woman with a lot of class, which is rare in the recovery world of Daytona. I did not intend on falling in love with her and actually was not even necessarily attracted to her in the beginning as at the time she was a bit heavier than most women I have gone for and I really wasn't looking(was actually trying to avoid like her) but once I got to know her I fell deeply in love with her beautiful soul.
All of a sudden her stunning beauty came into focus and I found her to be the sexiest woman I had every met. Her beautiful smiling eyes, laugh and heart warming smile still cross my mind several times a day. Her voice is my constant companion as I can hear her caring, loving assurances driving me forward to stay sober and make something out of myself. I have never been so attracted to or had such a deep soul connection to someone in my entire life.

Our relationship was very strange and complicated as I was obviously situationally friendzoned from day one but she always implied that she saw a future together and was very jealous of my other women friends. I even caught her looking through my phone once and she was always extremely flirty but at the same time she would go back and forth a lot with the way she tried to define our relationship and her flirtations. I was constantly kept off balance and I allowed my emotions to yoyo back and forth along with her oscillating behavior. I was totally codependent at the time.

Well I don't want to bore you with the particulars of the relationship but a lot of things were unintentionally done that wound up really hurting me. She stills calls and texts and it is obvious that she still deeply cares about me and will end each message telling me she loves me but it is not in the same way that I love her. I am in Orlando and don't get to see her but she is supposed to go with me to Medellin. I am still madly in love with her but I really need to work on myself and build a life worthy of a beautiful woman like her and to do this I have to detach myself from her until I am stable and secure with my place in the world. It sounds strange to say it but I plan on pursuing her no matter how long it takes as I feel drawn to her by a power beyond my control(a greater force) and I truly feel a soulmate connection to her and the romantic in me believes we are meant to be together.

I have to stay off Facebook because I find myself doing a bit of Facebook stalking sometimes..lol.. to see what she is doing. Well I checked up on her again due to lack of sleep and because of my current situation my anxieties flared up. My thoughts have been constantly on her and events of the past. I have actually become a little bitter and angry about some of the things that occurred during the relationship but that I believe is due to my current, overall negative and self defeating mindset.

I have found that a lot of my thoughts have become negative and racing as of late and that I have little control over them nor my ability to accurately and objectively evaluate them to determine their veracity. All of my emotions have all become overwhelming and exaggerated. It has been driving me crazy and exacerbates my insomnia, which then also reinforces the fore mentioned thought patterns.

With all this going on I wound up using again today with the same friend from before who wanted me to help him with his fence. I told him not to offer me drugs or allow me to persuade him into getting me drugs ever again and I plan on cutting off contact. I don't know what to do. I have been getting extreme cabin fever. My sister has been out of town and my extremely misbehaved and out of control 6yr old niece, who has no boundaries(actually kind of abusive) has been consuming my parents, who also have been being drug around by this same sister, who has been draining them financially and seems to need something from them several times a day everyday even though her boyfriend(baby daddy) lives with her and has no job so should have plenty of time to help but seems to never be home. It is really angering me because she has a career as a nurse and I am destitute right now and desperately in need of their help and ear, while she has been monopolizing all of their time and resources leaving me totally bereft and alone.

My car isn't running and because I live in the middle of nowhere I am totally dependent on them to help to get me off the ground and on my feet so I can help myself but between her, the bum baby daddy and their daughter my parents neither have the time or money to help me what so ever. I feel like I am wasting away with no hope. I have gotten myself in the worst possible spot and because I am unable to do much of anything positive or productive to help my situation I find myself constantly in my own head, which has become a very scary place to be lately.

Sorry about the long self absorbed pity party... I just desperately need an ear and am really struggling.

Somni

 

[Stargazer]

Somni! I love ya . You are always awesome to me.

I wrote you a long PM. I was interrupted repeatedly-I came back to it. Finished it. But I timed out (?) Something like that.

I will PM you -

 

[simco]

How are you doing now, Somni? Sorry to hear you got all that going on.

 

[somnilicious]

What's up Simco? 10years? I'm doing well. Haven't used since that mistake the other day. I feel a million times better at the moment than I did that day. As a matter of fact I was reading back over what I wrote and it almost feels like it was written by an entirely different person. I am cool, calm and collected as of now. I had made arrangements to go with the same friend to the welfare office so he can get his benefits fixed and I can get signed up for foodstamps until I can get the car fixed. Kind of apprehensive because even though I don't feel like using at all and feel as if I could easily turn down a fix last time I went over to his house I was greeted with several free speedballs and we all know how that goes.

 

[twang]

Damn man, I would assume you know what you have to do...it’s just a matter of doing it which is easier said than done. For your own sake, you need to get this friend out of your life. Your own life could depend on it...

 

[somnilicious]

Yeah... I knew what to do. Unfortunately I didn't do it. It was either sit at the house staring at the wall, thinking about my shitty situation or go hangout with my friend at the only place I could go. I wound up going over there and doing a bag. This is so much more than the using. I could really care less about the drugs but my mindset is slowly deteriorating under the current circumstances. I am stuck out in the middle of nowhere without anyway of going out and getting a job at the moment. I have nowhere to go and no friends. My phone is cut off and I had just gotten a new phone so I have no phone numbers programmed in to contact all my sober friends in Daytona. I can't even get on messenger because I don't know my facebook password as it was only accessible through my phone.

My mom is a horribly difficult person to get a long with because everything is doom and gloom with her. She is probably one of the most negative people I know and I am slowly taking on her personality. As much as I try not to being around someone who is like that 24/7 is really starting to affect me and with everything I am facing right now it is only starting to make things worse. On top of that my dad seems to be rather indifferent to my pleas for help. He says he will help but it doesn't seem to be happening as anything and everything else seems to fill his day and mind, which is usually a bunch of inane and rather unimportant details that matter little in the overall scheme of life. I am usually an extremely positive person but I am finding little positive about my current situation anymore. I can only dream about the future and fill my time with mundane timewasting endeavors in isolation so much before I start to get stir crazy. Then my horrible self defeating thoughts take over and my life begins to take on a sense of pointlessness.

Despite my reservations about the programs if I don't get out to a meeting soon I am doomed. I am slowly decaying and my usually positive mindset is being highly influenced by my environment and my moms overpowering negative personality. Forget slowly.. I am already there as evidenced by all my recent posts. This truly has reached a tipping point. Change is paramount.

My father is an extremely calm and industriously positive person but he is making little effort to include me in any activities other than the walks we take every now and then. He has always been a very solitary person who seems content to run off by himself to do his own things, while I am left to waste away with my mother. I am becoming desperate for change. I miss Daytona but I don't have the resources to go back and financially this is a much better place to start to fix my problems. I need to get the tags switched to the van more than ever. I don't know if I can do this anymore under the current circumstances. Something has to change and my prayers and pleas seem to be falling on deaf ears. I just wish somebody would see the urgency and importance of my situation and help me to start taking action.

I definitely need to start pushing the issue and start advocating for myself by making my needs clearly known and by letting them know that this is in no uncertain terms less than a matter of life and death.

I know I have no one to blame for my situation but myself but with a few simple steps things could begin to change in ways that would save and change the outcome of my life and sometimes the things that have been taking precedence over helping me blows my mind. My dad seems so lackadaisical about doing anything. I could literally pay them back by the end of my first week of working and I would have enough for a new car by the end of the year. They have hundreds of thousands of dollars tied up in 401k that they refuse to touch. I feel like a total piece of shit for asking them to dip into it or any of their limited liquidable funds but desperately need a small amount of help and I know that they will be paid immediately and ten fold in the future not just by seeing their son make something of his life but by being able to bring food into the house and having money to treat my parents to things that they would not otherwise be able to do on their fixed income. I want to be able to take them out to eat. Enjoy recreation, parks, beach excursions.. There is the most beautiful natural springs literally surrounding my house and all it takes is a small entrance fee to enter. We are unable to take advantage of any of this.....

I know this sounds like a bunch of bullshit coming from an addict that hasn't even stayed clean for more than a month and has used 3x's in the last 9 days but this is beyond just wishful good intentions. I truly believe that with a little positive momentum that I would be able to take a lot more control over my life, addiction and future. I am fed up with the cycle. I want this more than ever. I am willing to put in the footwork and I have a proven track record of being able to string together substantial clean time. I have actually borrowed money from my parents in similar circumstances, such as the first time I got clean they paid for me to get into a halfway house, which I paid back. Everyone's lives improved exponentially each time as our family relationships blossomed each time. I am just ashamed that I have put them in this situation again but I have gained traction each time and grown substantially over the last few years. Before my journey began 2.5yrs ago my life and the idea of me ever getting sober seemed hopeless.

This time I am going to live life. Something has to change. Right now I feel helpless and totally at the mercy of their charity. Never again will I let myself get in this situation. I hate having to depend on other people.

This friend is definitely gone but if I can't replace using with something positive nothing is going to change. Unfortunately I wanted to get out of the house and do something more than I wanted to use but it just so happens that with this one and only friend I have here using comes with the territory but of course that all ends today. I can longer neglect the void. I feel healthy enough to take proactive steps and tomorrow is the day. I am getting to a meeting come hell or high water... Hopefully neither as we have had enough high water here in Fl.... lol

Could somebody please explain meditation to me as I have basically no clue and have always kind of looked at it as a joke. I have sat in silence before doing some deep diaphragm breathing trying to focus solely on each breath, while bringing my thoughts back to the act if they started to wonder but I really didn't see the point or benifit in this. I have also done the same thing, while letting my thoughts flow, while taking notice of my thoughts but trying to not attach feelings to them or get involved but this almost seems impossible as deep emotional waves wash over me with each thought and I am usually just left with the same heart sinking, heart break feeling that I get when I am just sitting there analyzing my life like I do on a regular basis.

I just seem to be unable to detach myself from these thoughts as I take many things personally and it usually ends in an existential crisis that drives deep to the core of how I see myself in relation to the world. The steps didn't seem to help many of these deep wounds as my sponsors seemed to want to focus on the things I did or what my part in the matter was, which was often nothing more than taking the things others did to me too personally or being deeply hurt or so scarred that it eventually became part of my self identity.

I really don't see myself as being able to do guided meditations as it was described to me. I have a short attention span when it comes to such silly calming attempts at forcing myself to explore guided imaginary vistas. I usually day dream beautiful scenarios in my head as it is on my, while concocting elaborate stories or places I would like to be on the daily as it seems to be the only thing that helps me feel better about my current situation. I just don't get meditation and seem to glean any benefit from it what so ever.

I try to practice mindfulness by really focusing on the moment and the sensations involved with simple ordinary tasks but my mind always wonders back to the inner conflict and turmoil that often consumes my attention. I find it difficult to be present in any given situation unless it is highly physically demanding or something new and highly engaging that demands my full attention. I am generally the type of person, who always has to be busy and gets easily bored. Unfortunately in early recovery, especially with my insomnia, I find that I often don't have the energy to stay on the move as I usually do and with my current situation my options highly limit my ability to stay busy outside of computer, walking the neighborhood and yardwork.

I am in dire need of help. I already know from past experience with sobriety that I am one of those people who experiences extreme PAWS.. Confusion, racing thoughts, unable to stem the tide of overwhelming emotions and I would often have periods where I just felt completely brain dead, detached and highly anhedonic. This always came in cycles and was definitely PAWS and not just boredom or learning to deal with everyday life as it would be so dramatic and outside of my normal stable mindsets that it would appear to be rapidly cycling bipolar, which I may or may not have. I believe it is drug induced and will clear up in time with my brains neuroplasticity and ability to rewire and adapt. I do notice that it flairs up the most during stressful situations e.g. the intense relationship issues of my last recovery attempt.

I really must avoid unnecessary emotional entanglements for at least a year this time in sobriety to give myself the time to work on myself. It is going to be extremely difficult because I am already in love but I must detach and build my life or I won't be able to sustain a relationship anyways and then I will just be left alone without any growth... only to find myself right where I was before it began.

Any tips or things I could checkout from those who use meditation as a tool in their recovery would by highly appreciated.

 

[aihfl]

I'm not getting entangled in a relationship anytime soon. My ex wife would not have sex for almost the last two years we lived together. After I moved out I started aggressively pursuing sex to make up for lost time. I'm glad I got it out of my system because I am a profoundly fucked up person and need to unfuck myself before I can have a fulfilling life with someone else.

Before my last binge started I was going to yoga regularly. The final resting pose savanthana is an opportunity to meditate. After a strenuous yoga workout it's so relaxing to just lay there and think about nothing.

 

[somnilicious]

Guess who got a vehicle? That's right.. This guy. Now if I could only get some sleep so I have the energy to actually get something done tomorrow. Zero hours last night as well aihfl and it's all my own fault because of that bag I used 4 days ago. The two days that I drank immediately proceeding that probably didn't help either and wouldn't you know it that just as I was typing this my dad played devils advocate by coming up to tell me there was a bottle on the shelf and I could have it if I needed it to help with sleep. Haven't had anything to drink in 2 days but now the debate as to whether it would actually be helpful or detrimental is raging in my beleaguered mind.

 

[somnilicious]

What's up guys and gals? Wound up drinking that night and woke up with the some of the most extreme anxiety I have ever had(almost on par with benzo withdrawal). I couldn't take it and the cumulative wear of this whole ordeal led me to drive over to my friends to get 20mg of methadone and 1mg of Xanax yesterday. Not to concerned with the usage, though I know I can no longer take anything mind altering.. whatsoever..... I feel like a broken record at this point anyways. I know I am just setting myself back over and over again but I was in a very bad state yesterday and I don't know if I could have made it through the day. What concerns me the most is my mental health. I had the repetitive thoughts again yesterday and woke up with them this morning.

Wrote my friend a long love letter basically breaking down everything but haven't sent it off yet. I want to sit on it and not let an emotional state dictate my actions. I just haven't been able to really talk to her and there are some things that need to be said. I want her to know that I have still been thinking about her even though I seem to have disappeared off the face of the earth. I feel so alone right now. I don't even know if I have the motivation to pull myself out anymore but I know I will. I am totally disconnected from everything. No one in my life really seems to care and I don't know if I do either but in the end I know I do. This time trying to stay clean has been a very difficult experience. I have been negative a lot and have struggled to keep a positive mindset. I don't even know if anybody has really been reading this. Seems my virtual life parallels the way things are IRL. I have been trying not to chase everyone off with my whining.... Please... Somebody say something. I need to feel like somebody cares because I'm desperately trying to convince myself that I do.

Really at a loss for words right now but the way I feel is fairly typical for the 1st day after any opiate use for me. It is always the most difficult emotionally. I get what I have always called the opiate bends. Everything is amplified and the despair colors everything I see, turning my mind into a black vista of dead end futures that mirror the failures of the past. It's difficult to see something other than what you have always known and with 20yrs of heroin usage and heartbreak after loss, after heartbreak, well lets just say that have been left a bit jaded and bereft. Sorry for the negative post.

The only thing that has been keeping me going is this overpowering dream to write a book detailing my addiction and attempts at recovery. I know that every addict thinks they can write a classic drug novel but I feel driven by a power greater than myself. I have some pretty harrowing and unique experiences and I already know the style that I am going to use and have a ton of writing in various journals. I don't want it to be just a drugalog but also deal with the death of my girlfriend and my subsequent spiral into a loveless, sexless life of drugs and self loathing, culminating with my experiences in recovery and I plan on trying to wrap it up with my next trip to Columbia and ayahuasca.

I want to make a broader statement about love and loneliness in the 21st century. The anxieties of sleepwalking for 20yrs only to awake in a world that seems to be on the brink of apocalyptic ruin, the contradictions of the recovery world and finally finding the strength to believe in ones self despite overwhelming odds. I have a strong sardonic wit but also an overwhelming love for those, who have touched my soul over the years. Despite my grammatical mistakes I am quite adept at writing in a very poetic style of prose. I am well versed in the classics. My dad is going to help me edit it and I truly do have some tragically hilarious stories involving my drug usage and attempts at scattered sexual encounters over the years. The book would probably be highly embarrassing but I know it would be a bold statement about life, love, loss and redemption.

I'm a fighter and I'm still in the ring. I'm not unlacing my gloves yet. My lifeless, bloody corpse will have to be drug off the mat before I ever tap out.

Somni

 

[aihfl]

Hey man, of course you have people that care. I'm pretty lucky that I'm still at my friend's and I can't drink. I'm going to have to go home sometime though. Also I'm glad I have the full range of comfort meds I would have gotten in detox now (clonidine, propranolol and Ativan in worst case scenario). We went to an AA meeting last night though and they are just fucking depressing. I leave AA meetings feeling worse than when I walked in. I'm reminded why I started going to NA over AA. Anyway I PM'd you my psychiatrist from detox who has a private practice in Winter Garden. I really encourage you to call him. He can really help you.