Mental Health Need a safe place to write

[FecklessFreckle]

I have nowhere safe to write on pen and paper without my spouse snooping so I am writing here. Wish I had a blog. I don't know how exactly, but I've overcome my long term depression in the last few years. I was a depressed kid, attempting suicide at 12 with about 25 of my my mom's Trazadone, and staying in a dark room until about 16. Then I used weed and alcohol from 16-19, tried suicide again at 19 and started opiates at 19, too. I'm currently in an MMT program, have tapered down to 14mg and am doing pretty good.

I think I know what's caused my severe depression to go away for the most part... Being in an abusive relationship I've had to just shut up, smile and keep the peace. I've basically forced myself to be happy and shut down negative thoughts over the last four years. Otherwise I would have likely killed myself by now. It's like my mind knew that forcing positivy was the only possible way to survive.

It's really quite weird and almost unbelievable. That saying, "Fake it til you make it" is what I have been doing and it seems to have worked. I distinctly remember saying to myself, "MaryLou, if you allow him to get to you it will ruin you. You've got to just fake it and be happy for your son." I love my son with all my heart and I don't know what I'd do without him, he brings me so much joy. The first year of his life I was in a horrible depression, using opiates and alcohol to numb myself, feeling like I was stuck with his father (my current spouse). Finally I decided to get help at an MMT program and once I was stable things just clicked.

I get upset and low some days but not nearly like I used to. If I do get upset or moody it just makes my spouse more angry, so I've learned to just stop the negative thoughts in their tracks. I mean sometimes I can't help it, of course, and I will just be really distant and have a hard time talking to him, mainly after one of his rages.

I've learned not to let his words, or anybody's words really, effect me. I can let things roll off me like I've never been able to before. I mean, yes it hurts, but it doesn't effect me deeply/sink in...

The problem I have nowadays is keeping eye contact with people and getting nervous and over thinking when I'm talking. I'm always over thinking, worried I'll offend or upset whoever I talk to, so I stammer and take awhile to get my words out sometimes. Which is embarrassing as a 30 year old woman... I used to be quite a well spoken person, not to toot my own horn, but toot toot. Now I have glimpses of that eloquence (correct word?), but it comes and goes. Like I really have to plan ahead what I'm going to say, which means I'm not actively listening and miss what people say. A lot. It's rather embarassing. I thought I was going deaf or something, but just realized it's that I'm just not listening like I used to. Ugh. Need to work on that.

Since I've gotten lower on the Methadone my feelings have been coming back stronger than ever. I had the biggest belly laugh in years the other night and find movies so hilarious nowadays! My sense of humor is definitely coming back. I'm positive it upsets my boyfriend that I'm happy, so he intentionally says or does things to hurt/upset me. Like I said, it doesn't really effect me anymore, so neener neener!

Anyways, I just needed to have a safe place to get my thoughts out. Sorry if this is the wrong place. Please feel free to move it where it best fits.

Love, peace and chicken grease

 

[NewJerseyChill]

I have nowhere safe to write on pen and paper without my spouse snooping so I am writing here. Wish I had a blog. I don't know how exactly, but I've overcome my long term depression in the last few years. I was a depressed kid, attempting suicide at 12 with about 25 of my my mom's Trazadone, and staying in a dark room until about 16. Then I used weed and alcohol from 16-19, tried suicide again at 19 and started opiates at 19, too. I'm currently in an MMT program, have tapered down to 14mg and am doing pretty good.

I think I know what's caused my severe depression to go away for the most part... Being in an abusive relationship I've had to just shut up, smile and keep the peace. I've basically forced myself to be happy and shut down negative thoughts over the last four years. Otherwise I would have likely killed myself by now. It's like my mind knew that forcing positivy was the only possible way to survive.

It's really quite weird and almost unbelievable. That saying, "Fake it til you make it" is what I have been doing and it seems to have worked. I distinctly remember saying to myself, "MaryLou, if you allow him to get to you it will ruin you. You've got to just fake it and be happy for your son." I love my son with all my heart and I don't know what I'd do without him, he brings me so much joy. The first year of his life I was in a horrible depression, using opiates and alcohol to numb myself, feeling like I was stuck with his father (my current spouse). Finally I decided to get help at an MMT program and once I was stable things just clicked.

I get upset and low some days but not nearly like I used to. If I do get upset or moody it just makes my spouse more angry, so I've learned to just stop the negative thoughts in their tracks. I mean sometimes I can't help it, of course, and I will just be really distant and have a hard time talking to him, mainly after one of his rages.

I've learned not to let his words, or anybody's words really, effect me. I can let things roll off me like I've never been able to before. I mean, yes it hurts, but it doesn't effect me deeply/sink in...

The problem I have nowadays is keeping eye contact with people and getting nervous and over thinking when I'm talking. I'm always over thinking, worried I'll offend or upset whoever I talk to, so I stammer and take awhile to get my words out sometimes. Which is embarrassing as a 30 year old woman... I used to be quite a well spoken person, not to toot my own horn, but toot toot. Now I have glimpses of that eloquence (correct word?), but it comes and goes. Like I really have to plan ahead what I'm going to say, which means I'm not actively listening and miss what people say. A lot. It's rather embarassing. I thought I was going deaf or something, but just realized it's that I'm just not listening like I used to. Ugh. Need to work on that.

Since I've gotten lower on the Methadone my feelings have been coming back stronger than ever. I had the biggest belly laugh in years the other night and find movies so hilarious nowadays! My sense of humor is definitely coming back. I'm positive it upsets my boyfriend that I'm happy, so he intentionally says or does things to hurt/upset me. Like I said, it doesn't really effect me anymore, so neener neener!

Anyways, I just needed to have a safe place to get my thoughts out. Sorry if this is the wrong place. Please feel free to move it where it best fits.

Love, peace and chicken grease

If I were you I would drop the spouse. 2 dead batteries don't start a car. You got over the hill which is your depression and addiction. you are tapering down the methadone, Now that's how you fight.
Trust me if you make space in your life for another person, within time they will show up. Their are good men out there who won't have emotional rages, complain all the time, peck and bicker at you.
If you let him continue to suck the life out of you, it will happen. It's up to him if he wants to put in the long term effort for the long term change within himself.(you stay out of it, that a battle he has to face himself, or maybe you recover 100% and he will see how amazing your life is and do the same) Or the temporary releases by blowing up on his family members.

I was going out with a girl who dumped her abusive ex and made space for someone else.
She was living with her abusive ex in the ghetto with other subhumans. the ex was an abusive manlet. she is Bipolar, chronic depression, alcoholic and cocaine addict, mother suicide at 4. She couldn't make eye contact with anyone, a big yes yes and YES person. Always trying to be extra nice and please others type people even though the people that were around were just fucking scumbags and offered nothing positive...not even a decent friendship or conversation. Needless to say I really disliked that she was a yes person, cause I am the opposite. You can say I am intense. No one is perfect. I let clear that before this relationship starts, we only move forward not backward. Were at an age were everyone we know is dying from this lifestyle, no time to fuck around.

She dumped him and went to live on her own. 3 months later She met yours truely at a restaurant, within half a year we were going out.
After 2 years we are in the burbs and she is going back to school.
2 more years and she has a 6 figure job that is not related to her school degree. She doesn't use any meds for her ailment's anymore and was the type that had to change meds every 3-6 months. She has outstanding confidence and is completely different, lost some weight too. Has a wide network of positive and successful people, once again in her life. cause she combated those thoughts the same way you are doing. Stop that shit in it's tracks and keep it moving. Make space for ONLY positive people, NO exceptions. If you emphasize on the NO exceptions, then prepare for exceptional people to enter your life. As it did with mine.
She went from alcoholic, no job, with abusive mate. To 6 figures job, suburb, and a significant other who is on the same page.

Thing is, She did what she needed to do and got what she wanted in life in return.
Your kid is on the line here. Don't let unstable cancerous tumors who spew shit fill his sponge like brain with negativity.

The confidence will come within time as you make all the necessary changes in your life, Go to clubs or meetups with your son so you both gets accustomed to normal or leveled out people. Their are also many more activities and things you can do like volunteer work for animals, book clubs (knowledge is underrated, It's The ultimate weapon). Practice saying whatever is on your mind except to the husband just let him be in his own world he sounds like a nut. By saying whatever is on your mind is will improve your flow of attention and conversation without thinking.

Even if what you think is mean, say it. say whatever is on your mind. Our decisions, thoughts, and feelings form our path and who we run into. They even affect how we look physically.

try to include positive people who bring you up in your life, people who want you to smile, people who want to spend time with you. you can find people who have love for you. Like you their were others who have been starved of love, suppressed, and used as an emotional punching bag. Just know that you must seize the opportunity while you are strong and empowered, we both know our feelings can be quite fickle, but good thing we are mentally trained to turn down those thoughts. Still... some sinister mother fuckers through out life who will do anything to bring you down and some will succeed in pressing your buttons, Must handle those situations with fire and fury. Goosebumps and boiling blood as I type this. Phew.

Those who recognize you building strength and happiness will try to tear it down. They will check if you have holes in your defense, say and do things to rattle your cage. If you muster up the courage to leave him, just know that he may use the child to get you to stay or some stupid shit.

Don't fall for that. Take him to court and you fight for your life and for your sons life... you want this pathetic man showing your kid how to treat a woman first hand on you?! Start taking pictures and recordings of his tantrums.
The courts will side with you. Try to always present yourself as just and reasonable.

Fuck it. Start with this. Write down on a piece of paper what you want in a man, be reasonable, lol.
Don't label it. Just label traits, fold it. tuck it somewhere.
Stare yourself in the mirror and tell yourself you deserve to be happy, You will be happy & that you will surrounded you and your son's life with happiness at ANY COST. It works. Do it everyday.
It's up to you to pave this road for your son and his future family. One day he will understand and appreciate the walk you had to walk. He will watch and respect your courage, He will observe and
continue to carry the fire you started. Then pass it down to his children.

I really do admire the fact that you can just ignore him AND combat addiction at the same time. You should be able to do the rest standing on your head!

 

[simco]

Hey, Feckless.

I agree with NewJerseyChill that it's important to stop the abuse you're going through. But it didn't really sound from your OP that you're looking for advice...I totally understand wanting to have a safe place to articulate your thoughts and feelings. And this is a good spot to do it (have you checked out the other BL forum called 'The Dark Side'? It might also be a good spot).

Please keep the writing coming. Lots of us here will read your entries carefully, and if you decide you do want help on how to handle your relationship, I'm sure you'll get great advice.

Meanwhile, please do be careful. Domestic abuse is so insidious, and you deserve better.

Sim